How feelings and self-perceptions of neediness, insecurity and scarcity mindsets negatively influence us to negotiate poorly on our behalf, tolerate behavior we should reject and generally cause us to settle for lives and relationships that are less than what we really want and deserve.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who shares how my work is helping her to change her life for the better. She goes into explicit detail of a recent experience she had dating a guy who displayed all kinds of red flags, that should have led to her deleting him from her life permanently, but she did just the opposite. She really does a good job of self-reflection, trouble-shooting and introspection to find the root causes of her limiting beliefs and self-perceptions that led to her dating a man she should have rejected quickly.
She also illustrates how this same pattern showed up in her previous relationships and her interactions with men she dated in the past. It’s a great email that details the process both men and women go through to understand themselves, other people, why people do what they do in relationships and how to take their personal power back, so they can become the person they were meant to be. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Your work is changing my life. I am on the second read of your book, and I watch your videos daily. I recently donated $10, all I can afford, (No matter what you can afford, it’s always appreciated), but will continue to donate when spare money comes my way. At the end of November, I started dating a guy I met on Bumble, a dating app, and even after following your work, I ignored the red flags. Yes, I know, 10 more reads of the book to go. He did everything wrong, spoke about ex-girlfriends frequently, rushed sex, talked about the future and texted me constantly. (If he’s not used to getting what he wants, he’s going to come off as being impatient and in a rush.) Three weeks in, he even suggested we jump right into a relationship when he got back from his winter break. (This is somebody who fears, if he doesn’t lock you down now, somebody else will come along and steal you away from him. He is not confident in his abilities.) Instead of pumping the breaks at date one, even though I knew I should, I just went along with all of his needy behavior without setting my own boundaries and telling him to pump the breaks, which was a needy and scarcity mindset in myself. (Remember, like attracts like. This is something you’re trying to overcome as well.) He even gave me a key to his apartment and suggested I move stuff in. (He’s trying to lock you down to a commitment. What’s helpful for women reading my book is to understand the process, so you can recognize a guy who’s got his shit together, as opposed to a guy who doesn’t.) All after 1 month. Two months in, things got even worse. I noticed that he would refer to me as a “friend” to his friends and his mother, even though he told me I was his girlfriend, he could see himself marrying me, being a good mother, etc. (This is when you look at what people do, not what they say.) When I asked him about this, he said a girlfriend was a person he considered himself to be in love with, and he wasn’t there with me yet, which is completely understandable after 1 month. (However, he was over-eager in the beginning. It sounds like he was BS’ing you.) Mind you, he had told me he loved me when he was drunk, even though I NEVER said the words. Along the way, he also jokingly mentioned he was narcissistic and even codependent. (There’s a lot of truth in jest. That’s not a joking matter. As Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” If you’ve read anything on narcissistic people, they’re really good at blowing sunshine up your ass in the beginning to get you hooked.)
We ended up having a very long conversation, over multiple days, and he ended up breaking down to me and crying when he talked about his ex girlfriend, a former drug addict and college dropout turned community college grad. Mind you, I am an ivy league grad who played a college sport, double majored, went abroad, and even had a job lined up right when I graduated college. He is underachieving and just “lets” success happen to him. Anyway, he described their relationship as, he was her father and she the child, classic codependency. (When you’re dating somebody, and they tell you they date people like this on a regular basis, you should head for the hills.) I later put two and two together and also realized he was only moving things so quickly with me, because his ex girlfriend had started dating someone, and he felt it was his time to move on, aka he was emotionally unavailable the whole time. When she broke up with that guy, he started backing away from me, (It sounds like he was using you for a crutch. And because you had the same kind of limiting beliefs, neediness, insecurity and scarcity mindset he had, like attracted like. When someone pokes at your weaknesses, you should recognize them as weaknesses and work on them, so you can become better. Hopefully, the next time somebody like this shows up in your life, you will recognize it’s not a healthy person to get involved with, and you’ll keep moving until you find somebody who is), and started calling me needy, picking fights, etc. (Narcissists will discard you. Your usefulness to him had run its course.) Had I been needy? Yes, but so was he. Like attracts like.
Long story short, there were major red flags from the beginning, but because I was needy, insecure, and in a scarcity mindset, I ignored the red flags and didn’t put my foot down, which is NOT okay with me. (It’s good you recognize that.) I’ve done this in the past, but never assessed my behavior to figure out WHY I acted this way. (Now you’re starting to see something is fucked up in your approach.) When I was a child, my parents were hardly around. We were always with babysitters, etc. My parents were hardly affectionate with each other and definitely not affectionate with me, no hugs, no I love you. (This causes you to look for validation. Since you grew up looking for love and attention, when someone comes along you’re attracted to, and they treat you the same way your family did, this feels normal to you, because you don’t know any better. You think, if you prove to them how awesome you are, they’ll love you, and you’ll have that great relationship you never had with your family growing up.) For that reason, I used to seek out men who act like my father — unavailable, deceitful, my father also has cheated and still cheats on my mom, because I think it’s the love I deserve, DEFINITELY changing my mindset. (When you’re used to that, you might think you can fix them and end his pattern of infidelity. However, that person just doesn’t share the same goals and values as you.) Once I understood all of this, I completely broke things off with him, and we haven’t spoken since. The power of walking away and never looking back really is amazing.
I recently interviewed for a job I didn’t think I could ever get and got it! Just received the offer tonight. (That’s awesome. If you apply the things I talk about in some of my articles on finding a job, like “How To Get Any Job You Want” and “How To Ensure Your Resume Gets You Hired,” and you get that job, that’s one of those little victories that un-does your negative programming. And when you finally get to experience true love and dating a person who feels the same way about you, you will see, it slowly chips away at your negative self-perception.)Keep at it, rockstar,
“Fear that we’re not good enough or we won’t be loved and accepted are the biggest self-created mental obstacles and barriers that prevent most of us from reaching our full potential and achieving our grandest goals and dreams. Fear causes us to try and force things that are not matching our expectations, or to completely avoid taking any action that will move our lives towards what we want. When you think, feel and know you are worthy and deserving of greatness, you will act consistently in ways that make that greatness a possibility. When you think, feel and believe you are unworthy and not deserving of greatness, you will act consistently in ways that consciously and unconsciously sabotage your success and take you further away from what you want. If you presently have a negative self-perception or limiting belief about yourself, the only way to overcome it is to take action towards what you want, in spite of your fears, on a permanent, consistent, daily basis. You must know what you want, why you want it, take action to make it happen, learn from your mistakes and continually refine and improve your approach over time. Successful people persevere no matter what obstacles, setbacks and challenges they encounter. Unsuccessful people give up and permanently quit as soon as things get difficult.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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