Why needy insecure men turn women off, and what you can do to avoid the common mistakes most men make that lead to rejection, ghosting and friend-zone.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started off strong out of the gate with a woman he met through an online dating website. He says he is extremely attracted to her. After their first date turned into spending three days together, things started to go sideways. He started acting weak, needy and insecure and failing one test of his masculinity after another.
After he was her chauffeur for a day and talked her out of liking him, she changed her mind and did not spend the night like they had planned. She even told him she did not want to see him for a month and blew him off. A few days later, she texted him, but he was unable to set a date. It’s driving him nuts and taking all the strength he can muster to not contact her and vomit his feelings all over her. He wants to know what he can do to turn things around and get another chance. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I recently started on match.com. I have gone on three first dates with women. The third woman I talked to, I find myself EXTREMELY attracted to.
(That’s part of the problem. You’re putting this woman on a pedestal, treating her like a celebrity and kissing her ass.)
I had watched some of your videos after losing one other woman, because I was too needy. I did great at first. I got her on the phone and set a date for the following Saturday. I must have been doing something right, because she kept calling during the week and eventually convinced me to move the date up to Friday. Our first date lasted from Friday evening until Sunday morning.
(So the girl was really into you. She had a high attraction level. I’d say on a scale of 1-10 her attraction level was a 7 or an 8, and that’s rare. Those don’t happen that often. Usually it takes a few weeks.)
Of course, I started getting all overzealous again.
(In other words, you were losing your shit, because deep down you didn’t feel you brought much to the table. Therefore, you tried to make up for it by trying to force yourself.)
Her next days off fell over the weekend, and I basically told her that she could come hang out at my place the whole time with no plan at the time. She had a doctor appointment on Wednesday at a place 5 hours away and needed someone to drive her. Being the nice guy that I am, I volunteered.
(So you decided to be her chauffeur.)
Not only was she not feeling well, because she had to stop her allergy medication, but I drove her car and I was basically forced to follow her lead all day, which put me in the girl role.
(Women like a man who knows how to lead.)
She also used her ninja woman talking skills to get all sorts of information from me during the long car ride.
(In other words, you were an open book and told her everything about your life. She knows your whole story, because you took away all the mystery.)
By the time we got back, she no longer wanted to spend the night with me as planned.
I couldn’t help but to continue pushing and being needy. She went from seeing me over the weekend to canceling all weekend. I texted one more time for a date over the weekend, something different. She called me up and told me that she didn’t want to see me for the month and totally blew me off.
That was Friday. I bought your book and read most of it this weekend. I realized what I did wrong and how bad I blew it. I spent the weekend working on myself.
(Well, it takes more than just a few hours reading a book. That’s why I say you should read my book 10-15 times. Remember, each time you read something, you hear it or watch it, you’re only going to retain about 8-10% of it.)
You are a “genius,” because I got a “What are u up to?” text Monday afternoon. After a couple of banter texts, I got her on the phone. After some talking, I managed to ask her on another date for Saturday. She said yes, but tried to qualify it with the whole “need to prepare for my kids” thing.
(My response to that would be, “Well, it sounds like you don’t know if you’re going to be available or not, so if you know you’re going to be available, why don’t you figure out your schedule and we’ll make plans for a day you definitely know we can get together.” You want a woman who’s like, “I’d love to see you!” Dude, you spent ten hours driving this woman around, and this is what you get?)
I took it as a warning not to get all girly and plan out the rest of her month again, and I pushed back some.
You “suck” because, I really want to talk to her more.
(Well, you suck dude, because you talked her out of it.)
This woman is best friend material which is important to me at 49 years old. Now, I am going nuts waiting for her to call or text again.
(You need to get a fucking hobby dude. Go hang out with your guy friends. Go find some other women to date. She’s just one chick. When somebody treats you properly, they get the greatest gift you can give anybody, the gift of your time. When they treat you like there’s something wrong with you, and they’ve got better things to do, they get the gift of missing you.)
I can’t stop thinking about just picking up the phone and texting or calling her.
(How has that worked out for you so far dude?)
Isn’t there anything I can do to talk with her, but still make her believe I am in my masculine energy, even though I clearly am not?
(Dude, you’re not in your masculine. That’s part of the problem. Calling her to try and convince her you’re masculine is placating, weak, beta male behavior. A man who values and respects himself is going to say, “I’m not going to waste a second of my fucking life with a woman who can’t seem to make the time to see me.” The reality is, if she really likes you and she really wants to see you, she’s going to clear her fucking schedule for you. If she’s not willing to do that, then you shouldn’t be willing to do that for her.
Dating is like a game of tennis. You’ve got to make sure the other person participates and hits the ball back over the net. An alpha male doesn’t have to prove anything to anybody. You should let her wonder what happened to you. She hasn’t done anything to earn any of your time. Have some fucking self respect. You don’t get what you deserve in life, you only get what you negotiate. And you’re negotiating like a guy who has nothing to offer, and that’s why she doesn’t want to hang out with you.
You should definitely review my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you should definitely read the book and be going out with other women. And remember, men and women can hide who they really are for the first ninety days of a courtship. You don’t know about this girl yet.
This girl can’t even get a babysitter? Have some self respect dude. You deserve better than that. The only way you’re going to get better treatment is if you start acting like you deserve it. Right now, you’re acting like you want to be treated like a doormat.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When people do not feel worthy of the love, attention and affection of their romantic interest, they try to force things in hopes of avoiding what they fear most from happening: rejection. Trying to force or interject yourself or your presence where it has not been invited causes the other person to feel like they are losing their freedom. This leads to predictable and inevitable rejection. Love is about two people sharing their completeness, not completing one another. Two people who love, value and respect themselves allow the other person to mutually choose them. When that doesn’t happen, a happy secure person would rather seek out someone new who does share mutual interest and makes a mutual effort.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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