Needy Men, Maybe Dates & Women Who Are Confused

Why acting needy leads to women being confused and maybe dates, instead of “hell yeah” to dates.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who expressed a lack of confidence when setting the 2nd date and she ghosted him, and then later said he was a “hard maybe” instead of a “hell yeah” for a date when he double texted her.

The 2nd email is from a guy who hasn’t read 3% Man. He acted needy with a woman he was hooking up with a few years ago and got blown off. She got serious with another guy, but recently came back 2 years later after he cheated on her. Now he’s acting needy again, after a few more months of dating, hasn’t read the book, is cherry picking videos, but claims he usually doesn’t have a problem with women. However, he asks what he should do, because she doesn’t reach out and doesn’t show much interest in him. She admits that she is still hung up on her ex. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

Both of these guys are acting needy and they’re not putting their best foot forward. In other words, they’re not showing confidence and competence at being a man. And that’s what really attracts women to successful guys. And what a lot of the red pill guys and just butt-hurt unsuccessful men get upset about is, they just say, “Oh, it’s just the guys that have money, they’re going to do well.” But at the end of the day, if you’ve got money, you’ve got good looks, it gets your foot in the door, but if you don’t have the confidence and the competence as a man, women are going to quickly get turned off and lose respect for you. And once a woman loses respect for you, she’ll never love you.

So, both of these guys have got a little bit of that going on, and they kind of give it away in some of their responses and their interactions with these women. So, these are good emails to learn from, because we’re learning what not to do. Guys get pissed off. They say, “It’s always the guy’s fault.” It’s like, well, 95% of my audience is men. And so, the men are writing in going, “Hey, critique my game. Tell me what I did wrong. Tell me what I did right. Tell me what I need to do differently or better next time around, so I can get better results.”

And so, it’s not about sitting here and beating up on dudes. It’s that most of the audience is guys, and we’re all trying to learn here. And the best way to learn is from other people’s mistakes. Because if you can learn from somebody else’s mistake, what they did wrong and what they should have done differently, if you ever get yourself in that situation, guess what? You’ll know what to do without having to go through the pain of rejection that these guys are experiencing.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I appreciate your work. I’m a serious student who has the audiobook rumbling my headphones consistently while at work.

Well, the one thing I will say, it’s nice that you’re doing that, but you’re not completely 100% focused on the book. Ideally, the most serious students are going to follow along in a physical copy or a digital copy of “3% Man” while they listen to the audio book on 2x-speed. That will force you to really focus your brain on what’s being said and help commit it to memory. When you’re just listening to the book as background noise, you’re going to get a fraction of the information into your brain.

The idea is, if you’re going to spend the time to go through the book, you want to be efficient at it, so you can go through 10 to 15 times and get it, and then maybe once a year or twice a year, you go through it once just to refresh your memory. When you’re working out, when you’re driving in your car, when you’re mowing your lawn, when you’re doing things around the house and you’re listening to it as background noise, you’re just not going to pick up as much, because you’re not really focused on it. You’ll feel good about yourself, “Hey, I listened to it,” but you weren’t really listening and focused as intently as you could be if you were a serious student.

If you just spent 3 1/2 or 4 hours listening to the book on 2x-speed while you follow along in a physical or digital copy, you’ll learn more quickly and you’ll get better results. You’ll have more confidence, and you’ll be more competent. And that’s what women are attracted to, is the guys that get it. And that’s often what most younger guys don’t get, and they get upset about guys like me that date women their age. It’s like, when a guy gets to be my age, we’ve got a lot of success, we’ve got a lot of confidence, and we have a lot of competence.

Especially when women are the age where having sex can potentially turn into a baby that you have to raise for 20, 25 years, they typically are going to be attracted to guys who know what they’re doing and can stick around and help raise a great kid together. That’s why they oftentimes don’t date guys their own age, because guys their own age, they’ve got another 10, 15, 20 years before they really get to the point where they figure themselves out. And that’s assuming that they do, because quite frankly, most guys major in minor things.

And so, if you’re a successful guy, if you have a good career, if you’re making six figures, if you’re fit and you’re in shape, you’re already in the top 1 to 3% of dudes. And learning the material in the book just separates you from pretty much everybody that you’re going to encounter that could potentially be your competition, and you’ll just absolutely smoke them, because attraction is not a choice. And if you’ve got a woman that’s already predisposed to be attracted to you, and then you continually act attractive in ways that I talk about in the book, no other dude’s going to be able to take your girl or get her attention. It’s just not going to happen, because there’s just nobody that’s going to compare to you.

I mean, if you’ve been watching some of the videos with Katie and myself and the rest of the girls, I mean, Katie is somebody I was with 17 years ago. And even all these years later, she still has a really high opinion of me and says good things. And you can see that on video. It comes from confidence and competence, because I know how to treat women right, as long as they’re normal and healthy and not a fruit loop. And she was pretty amazing woman, as you guys can see. And you’ve been commenting, and I appreciate all of the kind words. And so does she. It’s very nice.

Way over the 15 times threshold, so I don’t cherry pick info.

Yeah, but also, it doesn’t really sound like you were really totally focused on listening to the book when you’re doing it. It’s kind of background noise. So, the 10 to 15 times that you listened to it, did you really pick up everything you should have? I would say, no.

But hey, I’m flawed and human. I’m 53, but look much younger, (pic of myself and the girl in question attached.)

He sent a picture of himself and the girl in question, and he does look pretty young for his age. He looks like a dude in his 30s.

I play in a successful band, have a good job, race motocross, stay in shape, etc. I’m no slug. I met Jessica through friends at a show we were playing, and we seemed to have hit it off. We exchanged numbers, and a couple of days later she messaged me. After a couple of messages, I got right to the point and said, “We should get together and do something. When are you free?” She responded, “sounds good” and told me what days she was free.

So, he’s direct, he’s decisive, he gets right to the point. He doesn’t dither, he doesn’t hesitate. He knows what he wants. And so, at least at this point in our story, he is communicating confidence and competence. Plus, she saw him playing in a band up on stage, which is a risky thing to do. It’s courageous, because if you really sucked, the crowd would let you know that you sucked. And if you’re good, obviously, the people will see you are good. So, they see you’re confident, and most importantly, that you’re competent. And that’s what’s attracting her to this guy; he’s a competent man.

I did all of the planning, and I think I knocked it out of the park. Or maybe a ground rule double, Lol. I took her to a Detroit Tigers game, and afterwards, we stayed downtown and hit some venues for dinner and live entertainment. Do the planning and the feeling of multiple dates. Check. Great time, good conversation, and we ended the night with making out before she left my house. The 3 H’s, check!

Well, with “hang out, have fun and hook up,” hook up means you had sex. Hook up doesn’t mean you just kissed. I know some of the younger guys think that hooking up is kissing, but no, it’s actually having sex. Because they try to make themselves look like they got a little further than they really did. They try to make themselves look a little more successful than they actually were. So, a kiss is just a kiss.

After that, she messaged me thanking me for a great night and for doing the planning.

So, obviously, he did well on the first date. Remember, everything you say, everything you do, your vibe, the tone of your voice communicates your level of confidence and competence. And so, the interesting thing is, the higher her interest in you, the more mistakes you can make, the lower her interest in you, the fewer mistakes you can make, and you’ll see that in a second.

Over the next couple of days, she would message telling me what she’s up to and how she wasn’t sure what the rest of her weekend had in store. I responded with, “Hope you’re having a great Memorial Day weekend. If you’re free next Saturday, let’s get together again. I’d love to see you.” GHOSTED!

Well, if she’s reaching out a day or two after your last date, as it discusses in the book, I’d be saying, “Hey, I had an awesome time too. I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule like? When are you available?” That should have been the appropriate response, instead of, “Hey, let’s get together next Saturday.” Maybe she wasn’t free, maybe she was, but the bottom line is, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and you wait for her to hit it back.

The fact that she doesn’t even reply, that’s pretty rude. Plus, he was kind of vague in his response anyway. And so, what does that tell me? Another guy’s in the picture, or her interest really isn’t that high. After all, all he did was kiss her anyway, so it wasn’t like she was super into him. I think she was going out with the attitude of, “Hey, he’s kind of cute, and we’ll see what happens.” So, she goes out, it’s not like there’s fireworks going off, and you’ll see that in a minute here.

After 4 days, my intuition kicked in. Well, it kicked in pretty fast, but I waited.

So, in other words, his neediness was kicking in. Well, what you could do is like, say she doesn’t respond for two weeks, in my case, I would have never reached out again, because again, I want, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you!” I don’t want being ghosted, I don’t want be ignored.

Especially in this case where she’s part of a group of your friends, and she just blows you off like that. That’s kind of ratchet behavior. That shows maybe she’s not really that close to your group of friends and doesn’t mind going out on a date with one of the group of mutual friends and then just blowing the guy off with no explanation. But it doesn’t sound like he really waited very long. And he double texted.

I’m sure I was a little butthurt, but I didn’t overreact with a lousy message berating her.

There’s like no confidence in this message at all…

I did message with “Hey, is everything good with you? If you don’t want to go out again that’s fine. I’m no stalker.”

I would never say that.

Maybe a bad move, but so be it.

Yeah, I would have never said anything like that. So, now you just made her think you’re potentially a stalker, and you also made her think you’re like, “Why don’t you want to go out with me again?”, as if this is something that happens all the time. You’re supposed to be communicating confidence and competence. A confident guy is going to be like, “I want to go out with somebody that’s like, ‘I’d love to see you again. That’d be great.'”

But when you go out and you spend time with somebody that’s part of your mutual friend group, and then you text her to set up a second date after a little kissy-poo, and she doesn’t reply, your attitude should be, “Oh, well. Maybe she’s busy. Maybe something came up. If she’s really super interested, she’ll get back at some point. And if she doesn’t, then I’m going to delete the number.”

“Because, again, I only want to spend my time with women that are really super into me. And if she’s willing to blow me off after going out and having a good date, and we have all of these mutual friends in common, that tells me that it’s kind of rude. And who cares? It doesn’t matter. I’m not receiving enough effort from her to do anything else anyway.” But he couldn’t wait.

And these are the types of things that if a girl is kind of borderline, and then you send a response like that, “I’m no stalker. If you don’t want to go out again, that’s fine,” well, she obviously hadn’t replied in four days. So, it’s like you’re kind of whining. And the vibe is, “Please pay attention to me! Why won’t you pay attention to me?” That’s what he really wants to know. “I thought things went well. Why don’t you want to go out with me again?” That’s the tone. So, that doesn’t communicate that this guy is competent with women. It communicates the opposite. It communicates that this is the kind of thing that happens to him all the time, and he’s a frustrated dude.

She responded with, “Hey, I’m so sorry. I was gonna message you yesterday to tell you I’m not ghosting you. It’s not that I don’t want to go out with you again.” However, “I had great time with you, the conversation was good, and it was a fun night, but right now, I’m feeling a hard maybe with you, and I’m not sure if that will change. And the last thing I want to do is mess with your head.”

“…Because you’re such a little boy.” So, she’s old enough to know that this kind of behavior is a dude that’s communicating a lack of confidence, And guys like that typically get upset, so she’s like, “Eh, I’m out.” A younger girl would probably put up with it. Maybe. But an older, more experienced woman in her 30s, she’s going to be like, “Yeah, he’s a bitch.” That’s what it’s going to communicate. Because she wasn’t super into this guy to begin with.

I know it’s harsh, but when you’re trying to date somebody, you don’t send them something like that whiny ass response. “If you don’t want to go out again, that’s fine. I’m no stalker.” He’s like, “Maybe a bad move, but so be it.” It’s like, yeah, it’s terrible, dude. That response just basically says, “Hey, please don’t date me. I don’t have my shit together. Even though I’m 53. I act like a little boy.”

It’s harsh, but that’s reality. You’ve got to know what you’re communicating, because other guys will see this and go, “Ah, okay. Well, I’m not going to do that.” And it’ll save them from going through the pain that this guy is going through. She continues on with…

“I hope I’m wording this right, but I’m not ghosting you at all.” I responded with, “Thank you for responding and for your honesty. I appreciate it. Go ahead and do your thing, and if that “Hard Maybe” changes, by all means hit me up. I’m only interested in “Hell Yeah,” and you should be too. Take care and be good to yourself.”

Now, that was a better response. That’s basically, when you tell somebody to take care, especially a woman, it’s like, “Hey, have a nice life. I don’t expect to ever hear from you again. It was nice meeting you. Peace out.”

So, there you have it. I’m sure I made mistakes. Like I said, I’m a serious student, but flawed like most. I think I did a lot of things right and would love to hear what you have to say about it.

Thanks for all of your hard work.

Bob

Like I said, if this girl was super into you, it wouldn’t have been an issue. But these kinds of little things over several weeks chip away at her attraction towards you, and instead of it going up, it goes down. But I would say from the get go, she wasn’t really super into this guy anyway.

And he communicated a lot. If he had just been patient with her and just waited to hear from her, maybe the fifth or sixth day, or maybe a week, you know, maybe he would have heard from her after that following week. And she would have said, “Hey, I got your message. Sorry I didn’t get back to you. I already had plans this weekend. But, you know, it’d be great to see you again.” Or, “You know, if you’re available…” she’ll bring up something. But he didn’t wait. He couldn’t hold out.

And so, again, he communicated neediness, insecurity, and a lack of confidence in himself and competence as a man. And those are a big no no. If you slip one past the goalie, she’s got to feel like you’re man enough to be able to handle it. And when you say things like that, you, in essence, communicate you don’t think you’re worthy of being around her. She’s going to be like, “Well, I’m not risking it with that guy.” It just turns her off instinctively.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey!!

Big fan of your work.

This guy’s a cherry picker. He’s been following me, only paying attention to the YouTube videos, but not following the instructions. He hasn’t read the book, so he literally has no clue what to do. His game sucks, but he thinks, “I’m pretty good with women. I don’t really have problems.” And after reading this email, I was like, yeah, whatever, dude. Don’t bullshit me in an email. Just be honest, because I can tell anyway. But the things you do and the things you say, if you try to act like, “I’ve always been successful with women,” I see that a lot in the emails. And then I read their email and it’s like, no, you haven’t.

Always on YouTube watching your videos. I usually don’t have issues with women, so I haven’t read the book, but I might have to after this one, Lol. 

You didn’t listen, you didn’t follow instructions. I have no sympathy for you. So, I’m going to be harsh, probably. But, hey, you brought it on yourself. Maybe the harshness, because masculine energy does grow through challenge, maybe that’ll finally put him over the edge and go, “Okay, I’ve got a knowledge gap here. Obviously, I’ve tried it my way. I’ve been listening to Corey for years, and I’ve learned enough from him from his videos that there are things I don’t know and I’m screwing up on. So, I will read the book 10 to 15 times.”

But you’ve got to take it seriously, because both of these guys are making totally unnecessary mistakes. Especially the first guy, having been through it 15 times. But when you’re listening to the book as background noise, I mean, when you read him saying what he said to her, “I’m not a stalker,” it’s like, come on. That doesn’t sound like somebody that’s read the book 15 times would say something like that. Maybe 15 times is background noise and not really paying attention to it? Yeah, that would make sense. But not a guy that really took the time to learn the material, not a serious student.

So, I’ll try to keep it short. Met a girl about 3 1/2 years ago. We met at the gym, eventually started hooking up, only for her to pull away.

So, what happened is you chased her right out of your life because you acted needy. And because I’ve been through the email, she came back and he’s doing the same thing all over again, because he hasn’t learned. He’s cherry picking in videos. He thinks he’s special. He doesn’t need to take the time to learn the book. He’s all, “I’ve always been good with women. I’ve never really had problems with women.” Except the women you really like. They don’t really stick around very long, and we can see why.

I ruined it by being needy and pushy, so we stopped talking and she eventually went on to get a boyfriend that she ended up dating for 2 years.

So, he chased her out of his life to the point where he dried her pussy up drier than the Sahara Desert. And she went on down the road and got serious with somebody else.

They broke up this past December because he cheated on her. She came around again and started showing very high interest, so we eventually connected again around February this year. We started hooking up in March…

It sounds like he was probably talking to her a lot on the phone. Probably had a hard time getting her to go out with him, but eventually he did.

…and all through April pretty much. Things started to move very fast. She told me from the beginning that she needs to heal, so I get it.

In other words, she’s saying, “Slow your roll. Don’t be needy. Don’t chase me out of your life again,” in essence, and “don’t smother me.” But do we think he did it? Probably not. And so, typically, what happens is that if she’s reaching out, because remember, she blew him off, so in that case, she’s got to do a 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. And when he does hear from her, he assumes that she wants to see him, and he makes the next date.

But more than likely, because he’s a cherry picker, once his interest started going back up again, he started calling and texting, trying to move things along quicker and spend more time with her, figuring “we’ll get serious faster,” because he doesn’t want to lose her. And then what ends up happening is she goes along with it at first, seems enthusiastic, but after 2 or 3 weeks of him overpursuing, she starts to back off, she’s noncommittal on dates, or won’t make dates.

Or, she’s taking longer to reply to his messages, which makes him come unglued even more. And then, he communicates this through his texting, or his phone calls, or his tone of voice. She senses that, she backs off even more. He pursues harder. I mean, it’s a predictable scenario, and I’ve been through it countless times over the years in all these emails, the thousands and thousands of emails.

But once May rolled around, she pulled wayyyy back. I didn’t say a word. I just let her be and continued to hang out with other women.

So, instead of her becoming more attracted over time, what happened was he tried to speed it up by pursuing her, and it blew up in his face, with her basically backing off. But the good news is he did have other women in his rotation in his life.

She saw me out with a girl a couple weeks ago and flipped out on me, so I told her we needed to have a talk if she’s going to act like that. During our conversation, she admitted to having feelings for me, and said she would date me under different circumstances, and that she was a little confused and hung up on her ex.

Again, this is why you do zero pursuing. When you got blown off, because you acted needy and desperate three years ago, and then she comes back, 100% of the pursuing has to be done by her, 100% of it. And at least for the first three dates, you’re inviting her over to your place to hang out, have fun, and hook up. But he didn’t do that. He’s going out, taking her on dates, being Mr. White Knight. Because, again, his game sucks and he doesn’t know the material.

So, instead of her interest going up and having her pussy wetter than Niagara Falls, instead, he’s drying it up all over again because he thinks he doesn’t need to learn the material. Whatever. How’s that rejection feel? How do the blue balls feel? If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will continue to get what you have always got.

She also said she wasn’t ready for what we had going on, because there were feelings there.

Whatever. She just doesn’t feel safe and comfortable because this guy is overpursuing her again instead of letting her come to him at her pace. Remember, she screwed it up. She ended things, therefore she’s got to fix things. But he just cherry picked some videos, so that’s why he’s stumbling and fumbling all over himself and has no clue what’s going on.

I’ve never once said the word “relationship” to her.

It doesn’t matter. You communicated that with your overpursuit. You’re trying to lock her down. You think just not mentioning the word “relationship” is going to have the same effect. This is why you’ve got to understand the philosophy. You got to understand what you’re communicating with your words, your tone of voice, and your body language.

Her idea. I told her I understood and everything was fine. Saw her out last weekend and we ended up hooking up again. Great, right? What bugs me is that she doesn’t show any interest hardly, and we don’t speak at all.

Who cares? If you read the book, you would know that your job in the courtship is to just simply create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed and ready to be touched when you’re on your date and ultimately seduce her and end up inside of her with the hot beef injection.

So, I guess I don’t know how to go about this at this point. We both know we like each other, but she has pulled way back.

Because you started pursuing. You didn’t follow instructions, because you never bothered to learn the instructions. You’re one of those guys that when you were growing up, you buy a model car or a model airplane or something and you’re like, “I’m not reading the instructions.” So you start gluing all these parts together and realized you glued some things together that you shouldn’t have. And now you’re trying to break apart the model, because you’ve got to put other parts on the inside that you had to glue after and, well, this is what happens. If you don’t follow the instructions, what do you expect?

Maybe she just wants to be free for while?

Well, she just broke up with somebody, and you’re just doing the same things, making the same mistakes you did three years ago because you never bothered to learn the book. You’re just cherry picking from videos and you’re looking for the right pickup line, the right action. So, every time something goes sideways or doesn’t happen the way you expect, you’re trying to find the perfect solution, the perfect sentence to use that will fix it and make it go away. But you don’t understand the philosophy. You’re coming from a lack of confidence and a lack of competence, so you’re continuously communicating you don’t feel like you deserve to be there.

And what happens is, now you’re chasing and you’re acting needy again, even though you probably don’t think you are. When I see that the woman is pulling way back, that means you’re chasing her out of your life. So, what happened was she started to come back into your life, and you went right back to pursuing like you did three years ago. And it worked for a couple of months, but as she started to pull away, you started to pursue more, and then it was all your idea instead of her idea.

If she’s earning another chance with you, like “7 Principles to Get an Back,” the article and video I did says, then she’s got to do all of the pursuing. But what happened was you didn’t bother learning the material, and you don’t know that. And so, you’re you’re basically doing the same exact thing you did three and a half years ago. Maybe you’re just chasing her out of your life a little bit slower, but at the end of the day, you’re still chasing her away, because she’s pulled way back, as you said.

You have to let women like this come to you at their pace and do all the calling, texting and pursuing. But you’re not doing that, because you’re still trying to force things. The only reason you’re trying to force things is because, deep down, you do not feel worthy of being with her or having her love you by choice. So, you feel like you have to force things, because you’re driven by fear. And whatever you fear, you attract, and typically that means if you’re driven by fear, you literally chased her out of your life. The thing you fear most, which is her blowing you off again, you’re actually making that happen.

I just need to somehow keep my distance but keep her attraction for me, high.

You don’t keep your her attraction for you high. You let her.

I don’t know how. 

Thanks, man! 

Bob

Read the fucking book, 10 to 15 times. Follow the instructions, or you might as well unsubscribe and go somewhere else. Because this stuff is not going to help you if you’re not going to take the time to learn the material. That book you don’t read, it won’t help you. Simple as that, dude. You’ve got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing, and when you hear from her, just make the next date. And that’s it.

It’s a really simple situation, but you’re completely fucking it up, because you haven’t taken the time to read the book, even though deep down you know you should. And so, how do you think you’re going to feel if in a few weeks or a few months you’re looking back on this, you’re now ghosted once again by this girl? You’ve had two chances with her, and both times you chased her out of your life and turned her off for exactly the same reasons. Because your ego got in the way and told you you didn’t need to read the book.

What did he say in the beginning of his email? “I usually don’t have issues with women, so I haven’t read the book. But I might need to after this one.” You usually don’t have issues with women, okay. So, if that was really a true statement that tells me you’re going out with women you don’t give a damn about and you’re not that into. So, yeah, more than likely, you’re probably doing everything right with those girls, but you don’t really care about them anyway. You’re not that into them. And that’s not an accomplishment, because that’s the experience of 97% of the dudes in this world.

The 3%ers, if they’re having problems, they’re figuring it out and they’re fixing it. And so, more than likely, what’s happening, because you really like this girl, you’re trying too hard, you’re calling too much, you’re texting too much. You shouldn’t be doing any of those things, because you did that three years ago and you turned her off to the point where she didn’t want anything to do with you and then got serious with some other guy. But she came back, because it’d been three years and she thought “maybe this guy’s changed.” And, of course, you’re basically proving to her, once again, that you haven’t grown up and nothing has changed in the three and a half years.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.