Needy Vibes Ruin Attraction & Push Women Away

Why needy vibes ruin attraction and push women away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 51 year old viewer who just got dumped by his 43 year old girlfriend. He said while the sex was kinky and great, he often got rejected because she wasn’t in the mood. She is a business owner and is often stressed about her business. She typically went to bed early. She has 2 young boys from a previous relationship. It’s clear he was over-pursing for the duration of the relationship, but doesn’t realize how his needy behavior turned her off and made him feel more like another obligation and child that she had to take care of instead of a teammate. She said she needed someone who was stronger and more self reliant. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Needy Vibes, Ruin Attraction & Push Women Away.”

Well this particular email is from a viewer. He’s 51, and he just got dumped by his 43 year old girlfriend. And he said the sex is really kinky and great, but he often got rejected because she wasn’t in the mood. And she’s got two young kids, I think an eight and nine year old boys from a previous relationship. She has a business, so she’s often very tired. And so, he said oftentimes they’re having sex in the morning because she’s too tired at night.

He kind of gets the hint, and realizes that he was very needy throughout the relationship, and especially some things that when we get to the very end of the email, she reveals what it is that really turned her off. And totally gives away that he was pursuing too much. He’s smothering her. He’s trying to seduce her when she’s not open to being kissed or seduced. And it’s pretty clear that she often felt like she, in essence, was his parent.

He was another one of her children, basically. So he’s obviously wondering what the hell happened. What could I have done differently? What can I do now? And just goes to show, even if you’re older, if you act needy, if you act unworthy, when you’re around a woman, she’s going to find reasons to agree with you and boot you out of her life. Which is what happened to this poor guy. So let’s see what we can do to try to help him turn his frown upside down.

Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

I’d like your advice. You’ve answered one question for me in the past. My girlfriend of more than one year just broke up with me. I told her I did not want the breakup, but if that is her decision, I will accept it.

Well, at that point, there’s not much you can do. You could say, “I’m not interested in breaking up, but if you’re adamant and then you don’t want to stay together, then well, I’m not going to try to keep you.” Because the idea is you never want to try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. And women don’t dumb men that they’re in love with, they only dump men that they’ve lost respect in. They’ve lost respect and attraction for.

I’ve walked away and will not contact her unless she contacts me.

Well, she ended the relationship just like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back talks about. If she ended it, it’s her job to fix it. Because if you continue chasing, all it’s going to do is piss her off and reconfirm that she made the right decision.

We had a very good relationship. I am 51, she is 43, we are both divorced. I met her 8- and 9-year old boys and have a good relationship with them. We were loyal to each other, no cheating, and no abusive behavior.  We’d have disagreements occasionally but usually resolved them within a day or two. It’s the best relationship I’ve had since my divorce over 5 years ago. While we had great and kinky sex pretty often, her biggest concern was feeling pressured at times, especially at night when she was tired.

Well, if you’re trying to seduce your girl and she’s feeling pressured, that tells me that you are missing a lot of social cues. And your ability to judge her openness to being touched, being ready to be kissed, and seduced is lacking. In other words, you’re trying to have sex with her when she’s not ready, willing, able, and open to it.

Morning sex tended to work better for us. But, I would still try to set things up at night so we could have sex if the mood was right. I’d ask her about her day, listen, and try to make her feel heard and understood. Still, she goes to bed early and would sometimes just want to sleep after we talked. I’d say something like “it’s okay baby, let’s get some rest” but despite my reassurances, she’d still feel like I was disappointed, and she would feel guilty. I must have been giving off needy nonverbal vibes.

Well, one of the important concepts from The Book is matching and mirroring her level of interest and especially her effort. And if you’re spending time and staying the night at your girlfriend’s place and she’s not down to see you, she’s not open for sexy time. When you want to get a little frisky, that tells me you’re probably spending too much time with her. That means that you need to go back to your place and do things on your own. Because you are the gift, you’re the prize. And if a woman is excited to have you there, well, she gets more of you.

If she’s treating you like a second class citizen and going to bed at night, “oh, I’m tired. I’m not really in the mood.” Then you need to be spending more time away from her. And give her the gift of missing you. Because if you’re staying the night at her house every night and she’s kind of cranky, not in the mood, then go do things on your own. Go back to your place. Go hang out with your friends, your family. Go to the gym, be busy, read a book, do things without her so she can have the gift of missing you.

Because what’s happening is she’s treating you like a second class citizen and acting like she really doesn’t care that you’re there or not. Well, then you shouldn’t stay. You should only go where somebody is excited that you’re there. And it’s clear at this point that she’s taking you for granted. Probably because you’re in her face all the time and you’re not backing off when you see that she’s not really interested. It’s almost like you’re sticking around trying to convince her to like you more.

So again, go where you’re celebrated, not where you’re tolerated. And if a woman makes you feel like she’s just tolerating your presence, well, then spend most of the week at your place and don’t come over for a few days. Or if last week you stayed over at her house five out of the seven nights and half the time she acted like she didn’t want you there. Well, as soon as she gives that vibe, then go back to your place and do other things and then spend time with her once it seems like she misses you and wants you around.

Because that will be an attitude adjustment. Because when you just stay around and put up with her being cold or being distant or kind of treating you like she doesn’t really want you there, she’s disrespecting you. And it shows that you’re allowing her to take your time for granted. And you’ll see why I’m discussing this when we get to the end of the email and she reveals what was really the whole issue all along. I mean, we know that he’s been acting needy. He knows he was acting needy.

And the problem is, is that he was too worried about losing her or losing her approval or her attention. And so, he stuck around and stayed there when it was clear she didn’t really want him around, and didn’t want to make the effort to make him feel needed, wanted, loved and appreciated. If a woman doesn’t make you feel appreciated, then give her the gift of missing you. Because scarcity creates value. And you obviously made the mistake when you noticed her interest was low, is that you stuck around trying to change it.

Instead of just having the attitude of, “Okay. Well, I’m going to go do other things without her and let her miss me, and wonder about me and what I’m up to.” Instead of constantly going over to her house every night, hoping to change your mind, or hoping that tonight will be better than last night. Again, go where you’re celebrated, not where you’re tolerated. When you get the vibe that she’s just kind of tolerating you because she got her fill, it’s like you got to think of the cat analogy from The Book.

If you’re petting a cat and it’s purring for a while, and then the cat stops and you keep petting it, eventually the cat, even though you’re still petting it, will get up and jump out of your lap. And what you’re kind of doing is running after the cat, picking it up, put in your lap, and you figure if you just stroke it enough, it’ll be glad that you’re there. But women are like cats in that respect. And that if you notice that she doesn’t really want you around or she doesn’t make you feel appreciated, go do things without her and let her wonder about you.

Because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, this woman is way too sure of herself and way too sure of where she stands with you. And women like you more if they think that they’re more into you, than you are into them. And it’s pretty clear that throughout the relationship, he made it obvious to her that he was way more into her, than she was into him. And so, when women pick up on that, they test you.

Maybe they’re just kind of cranky or they’re condescending, or they raise their voice a little bit, or they’re a little bit insulting and act like you’re a second class citizen. Anytime a woman disrespects you, you got to check her on that. But also you take a step back and acknowledge the fact that she’s not really acting like she’s excited that you’re there. And if she’s not excited that you’re there, then go stay by yourself. Go back to your house. Go hang out with your friends. Go see your family, go see your parents, whatever happens to be.

Because when you just stick around, when somebody kind of mistreats you and acts you like acts like they don’t want you around, you’re just inviting more of that behavior. It shows that you don’t have any self-respect and that you don’t really value your time. Because the greatest gift you can give anybody is a gift of your time. And if you’re going over and staying at her house night after night and you’re trying to seduce her every night and she acts like she doesn’t want you there, well, then stop staying there. Go back to your place.

Let her wonder. Let her think about it. “Well, I haven’t seen him in 4 or 5 days. He hasn’t really called much. I mean, he responds to my messages, but he doesn’t really seem that interested to see me.” Because you want her to doubt herself and to question herself and where she stands with you. But when you make it too easy and obvious, they just take it for granted. It’s just the way us human beings are, especially women. And at the end of the day, women are only really care about how they feel about you, not what a great guy you are.

She recently had a big shift in her business that threatened her ability to make money. She is extremely stressed and has not been very available while she figures this out.

Again, that statement right there tells me that you’re chasing her. You’re trying to get her time and attention, and she’s putting you off. So you’re already acting like the girl in the relationship at that point. If she doesn’t want you there and she acts cold and distant, then just don’t ask her out. Don’t go spend time with her. Give her the gift of missing you until she seems more excited to talk to you or see you, and then invite her over to your place.

I have tried to be supportive and one night she called me very stressed and asked me to come help her with some urgent tasks. I gladly went and helped out. We had not had sex in over a week and I was about to leave town for a few days. Once the tasks were done she thanked me and needed to jump in the shower. I playfully said let’s get naked. She flipped out and asked if that was the only reason I came over.

I was like, that sounds like fun. You go over there and help her out. It’s like, first I would have said, “hold on a second. You called me and said you needed my help. I dropped what I was doing and I came over. And now you’re giving me a hard time. We haven’t had sex in a week. I’m going out of town for a couple of weeks, and you act like I’ve done this big infraction. It’s like, all right, well, have a good night. I’ll see you later.”

I would have hopped in my car and left. It’s like, because she has to learn that if she’s going to be an insufferable cunt to you, especially after you just did her a solid that you’re going to leave. You just I would have said to her, “It’s like, you need to apologize to me. It’s like, that’s unloving behavior. I came over and helped you out and this is what I get. I crack a joke and you act like I’m a horrible person. It’s like. I don’t think so. You just communicate like you don’t want me around. It’s like, I’ll see you later. I’m going home. And you can call me when you’re ready to apologize. But you need to knock this shit off.” But if you just let her brow beat you and be a. That’s abuse. That’s not loving behavior.

She felt like there was a cost to asking for help that included payment with sex. I tried to reassure her I was not there for that reason but it was too late and she was hurt and angry.

Yeah, I would have just left. I would have just said, “Your behavior, your reaction is totally inappropriate. I came over to help you out because you’re my girlfriend and I love you. And this is so unless you’re going to apologize, I’m out of here. I’m leaving. So.” And if she doesn’t and she wants to be angry, it’s like, “I’ll see you later.” And I’ll just leave. I hop in my car and go, no kiss goodbye, no nothing. And I wouldn’t call her, text her for any reason after that. Because she has to learn that if she expects you to come over and help her out and then abuse you like this in essence, “oh, you’re kind of a pervert. All you care about is sex.”

It’s like, I don’t think so. That just shows me that at this point in the relationship, she doesn’t respect you as a man. She’s treating you like a doormat. And usually what happens is you just stand there and take it instead of leaving. If she treats you great she gets your time. If she’s an asshole to you like she was there, you leave. Simple as that. She apologizes or you just walk out the door and leave. And then, you know, she can text, she can call all she wants. And you’ll call her back in the morning.

I left and gave her space, she went quiet, and I called to check on her every 2 days (we usually talked or texted several times a day and she usually initiated).

See, that’s your mistake. It’s like, you should have left and given her space, and I wouldn’t have called or texted for any reason. And if/ when she finally does reach out, it’s like, “Well, you have something to say to me?” She’s like, “What?” “You should apologize for the way you treated me the other. I came over to your house to help you out, and you were an asshole to me.” I was like, “you need to apologize for that.”

And if she gives you an attitude, just say, “well, when you’re ready to apologize and treat me like you value and appreciate me and what we have. Then I’ll talk to you later.” And then get off the phone. I wouldn’t put up with that. That’s the problem. You’re inviting abusive, unloving behavior. And again, this is because she doesn’t respect you as a man, that’s the real reason why she treats you this way.

This is part of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. The first time she treated you that way, you should have checked her on that behavior. And if she didn’t stop and didn’t apologize, you hop in your car and you leave. You don’t call her every two days to check on her. That’s needy behavior. That’s not what The Book teaches my man.

After a few days she told me she needed a partner she could trust to be stronger and more self-reliant.

There it is. So in other words, you made her your mommy and your therapist and your emotional support human instead of your girlfriend. In other words, you’ve given her the impression that you’re weak, emotionally and mentally, and you’re not self-reliant. In other words, you’re depending on her and treating her like a mommy. And she’s already got two kids and she’s stressed out about her business. So instead of being a masculine escape from her difficult life. You go over and you act like another one of her children.

She said she doesn’t like feeling like this, my needs stress her out, exhaust her, and she cannot maintain that right now. I said I understand, I will do all I can not to make her feel pressure, and I will be here for her no matter what.

Well, what she just basically said was, “leave me the hell alone.” And you should have done that. It’s like you, you should have left after she abused you and told her to call you when she’s ready to apologize and be sweet and loving again. And I wouldn’t have called or texted her. But you kept calling her every two days, because you’re driven by your fear that you’re going to lose her, and all you end up doing is chasing her out of your life.

She said she doesn’t believe me, and she wants it to be over between us. That’s when I told her I did not want that, but I will accept it. I’m not asking you how to get her back- if she contacts me I will follow your 7 steps, unless I’ve decided to move on. My question is this:

I’ve heard you mention many times guys being needy because they didn’t get enough strokes or love as a kid. That is probably true of me. At times I feel like I am weak and not being masculine if I don’t initiate sex, but even at 51, I must still be giving off needy vibes. How do I overcome this, and lead and initiate sex in the relationship without acting needy?

Thanks for your work,

Bob

Well, you need to learn “The Seduction Process” that’s in The Book because it doesn’t sound like you actually know The Book backwards and forwards. And if you’re not going to take the time to learn The Book then you shouldn’t be surprised that this is the end result of your relationship. Because you’re missing a lot of social cues here that she’s displaying, and it’s sailing right over your head. You’re projecting your high interest onto her, and you’re completely ignoring that her interest in you is low and you just have no concept or clue of game and attraction and how it works, just after reading this email.

So like I say all the time in my videos, if you’re cherry picking, it’s not going to give you sustainable success. You might get some short term attainable success, but when you behave this way, when you behave needy and neurotic, it’s like, if you’re following what’s in The Book, your girl should be head over heels in love with you and wanting sex from you more than you want it from her. But it was a complete opposite.

And when I see the way you’ve acted and you behave here, you act like a guy that has never read The Book and has no clue what’s even in it. And on top of that, you seem surprised that this was the end result that you got dumped. So it’s clear throughout the duration of your relationship she didn’t respect you and she didn’t value you, and she treated you like a doormat. For the most part, you put up with it. If you leave because she’s not treating you properly, then you don’t call her every two days after that to check on her.

Your attitude should be like, “I’m not going over that bitch’s house again unless I hear from her and she’s sweet and nice.” Not that you’re going to say that to her, but that should be your attitude. You went over there and you do her a solid, and she’s an asshole to you? I don’t think so. That just shows she doesn’t respect you. And her patience was already thin. Her attraction was really thin. And then she broke up with you because she was just tired of it.

She was tired of you being another, like her third child, basically. So what I would do if I were you, I’d never call or text her again for any reason. If she does reach out, let her do 100% of the pursuing. You should be barely doing any pursuing at all after a year of dating. And it sounds like you were doing 95% of the pursuing and she wasn’t doing any. So anytime it’s more than you pursue a woman more than 20 to 30%, especially when it’s 50% or more.

It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and set in the West that you’re going to get rejected for these reasons, because you act too girly, you act too needy, you act too neurotic. And it’s just completely unattractive behavior. So you got some work to do, my man. Because if you don’t get this fixed with her, if you don’t take the time to read The Book, then the next girl you get into a relationship with, she’s going to dump you for the same exact reasons, which are you’re just displaying way too much unattractive and needy unmasculine behavior.

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If you’d prefer to sign up for the Members Only Content on YouTube in the video description, there is a link to do that. Normally on the app on YouTube it should have a “join” button, but YouTube’s telling me they are slowly rolling that out. So it’s still, as of the time of filming this video, the join button is not going to be there. That’s why you need to use a link in the video description. You can also sign up to consume the Members Only Content on Spotify as well, and there is a link in the video description to do that.

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