Why you should never compromise your values and principles to please other people or to keep the peace.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous success story I discussed in my video newsletter titled, “The Art Of Letting Women Chase You.” Since that time, he has had increasing problems and confrontations with his girlfriend’s mother. He says that her mother is used to bullying and intimidating everyone around her into submission, and to cater to her needs and apologize even when they are not wrong, just to keep the peace.
Recently, his girlfriend has insisted and demanded he apologize to her mother to keep the peace, or she will end their relationship. He does not want to, because it goes against everything he believes, but asks my opinion on what I would do. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
You did a video newsletter on my first email to you back in February. Well, things have been going great with her and I… or so I thought.
We’ve now been together for a year, and at the time I wrote you last, I had a confrontation with her mother.
(This is a progression of two alphas butting heads. Her mother is an alpha female and runs the family basically, and the father tends to be very passive. But somebody is going to always be the more dominant one. This girls mother is using everything she can because she is a master manipulator, and she’s not used to having people stand up to her.)
I was over there helping her one day, and I made a statement that she clearly misinterpreted. She took it as I “demeaned” her, and then later told my girlfriend to tell me she was “disappointed” at me.
(So instead of communicating like an adult and saying, “Hey that hurt my feelings,” she goes right to throwing a grenade into the relationship by telling her daughter that she’s not happy with her boyfriend. That’s manipulative. That’s not honest, it’s not authentic and it’s not something someone with healthy communication skills is going to do.)
My response to my girlfriend about it was, “Well, if it’s that big of a deal to your mom, she’ll come talk to me about it. She’s an adult,” and I let it go.
(Great response dude. Good job. You’ve been paying attention, and you’ve been a good student of my book.)
I didn’t even say anything directed at her or about her. I was talking about a tree. Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up.
(The reality is, as you go through life, no matter what you do, you’re going to offend people. You’ve got to be who you are in the world. Like Gary Halbert once said, “If you’re not pissing people off, you’re doing something wrong.” You can’t please everybody.)
Fast forward three to four weeks, I was over at my girlfriend’s house helping her do something, (for her mom AGAIN, mind you), and her mom proceeded to blow up at me, cursing, yelling, getting in my face, trying to intimidate and bully me.
(That sure doesn’t sound like something a feminine woman who is in control of her emotions would do. That sounds like a woman who’s pissed off at men, who’s totally in her masculine, because she’s surrounded by weak men.)
It didn’t work. I stood my ground as she got in my face yelling and cursing at me.
(Can you imagine future holidays with this woman? Imagine this woman around your kids.)
I puffed up my chest and looked down my nose at her, not saying a word to her.
(Obviously she’s in your personal space. She came into your personal space like a man would who’s threatening you.)
When I lifted my chest in a defensive posture, my chest just so happened to graze her chest, and she immediately claimed that I assaulted her. Her yelling, screaming, cussing continued onto the front porch, where I finally spoke up and addressed her negativity towards me and that I’m not going to tolerate her disrespect when I didn’t do anything wrong.
(When you look at police statistics, the most dangerous calls, the calls they hate going on the most, are domestic disturbances like this.)
My girlfriend was witness to everything stated EXCEPT the chest thing, so she saw and heard how wrong her mother acted and how disrespectful she was to me… when I was there to help her… TWICE.
(This is another reason why you should date for several years if you’re going to decide to get married, because not only would you be marrying her, you would be marrying her mother. Is this the kind of person you want raising or being around your kids?)
Not once did I get a thank you or any act of appreciation whatsoever from her mom. I didn’t expect anything, but usually when you get help from someone, you say “thank you” to them. I know I do. Instead, I got yelled at, cursed at, scolded, and belittled. Not once, but TWICE!
Anyway, fast forward 5-6 months, we finally had a “meeting” where my girlfriend and I sat down with her mom and her mom’s husband, (my girlfriend’s step-dad), to try and resolve the situation. I had to speak up to start, because no one would.
(Sounds like a family of great communicators. The silent treatment and stonewalling is how they roll.)
The meeting ended with her calling me a liar and still claiming that I assaulted her, and she would not accept the fact that what I said in the first place was not even directed at her at all. So that was her mistake. She refused to accept that. She kept calling me a liar and said I assaulted her.
(“No, you got in my face, in my personal space and bumped into me. You’re out of line. You can talk to me in a calm voice, in a kind voice, or I’m going to leave, and we can reconvene later when you’re ready to be mature.” That’s what I would have said, and I would have left. I wouldn’t put up with that shit.)
She also tried to throw the “man you’re just losing brownie points with me”, in my face. To which I laughed and said, “I don’t give a shit about your brownie points. You have nothing I want. You have no power over me. You know what you REALLY have a problem with me about? The fact that I won’t tolerate you bullying me like everyone else lets you get away with.”
(Oh, that’s some radical truth there.)
I left and told my girlfriend I would not tolerate the amount of disrespect that her mother has shown me.
(Good job dude. You’re being a fucking man. You’re in your masculine. You’ve got to speak and live your truth, because no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. To put up with it, to be a pleaser, you’re just communicating, “Hey, it’s okay to be a total cunt to me and abuse me in front of everybody.” No matter what your girlfriend says, on some level she’s going to lose respect for you, because she knows you’re not being a man and you’re letting her mom diminish and belittle you.)
Fast forward to this weekend, (a month and a half later), I said some negative things about her mom, which I shouldn’t have said, and I apologized for. I was totally at fault there, but now my girlfriend is insisting and threatening me to end our relationship if I don’t cater to and apologize to her mother… for her mother’s wrong-doing, not mine.
(I’ve done articles on this sort of thing in the past few years. There have been psychological studies that have been done, and they look at why certain couples can last decades and get along great, and others just completely blow apart? One of the things that ends a lot of relationships is when one or both people threaten to end the relationship constantly when they don’t get their way.)
I am completely and utterly fed up with this crap and know that I need to walk away from the relationship, but I wanted to hear your input and maybe save some other poor guy from a similar manipulative mother.
(I totally feel you dude.)
Never in all my life would I ever ask my girlfriend to put up with such bullshit from one of my family members.
(Yeah, and if she didn’t trust your masculine core, she’d be really upset with you.)
She claims she stands up for me to her mom,
(Obviously, it’s a true statement that she has defended you in the past, but in this one particular instance, she has gotten upset and she’s trying to test you and challenge you. It’s like she’s taking it a little too far. You apologized for saying something you shouldn’t have said, and now she wants to see if you’ll just go and wilt like a little lily and apologize for everything that you shouldn’t apologize for. I definitely wouldn’t agree with that. If you do something wrong, you apologize, but when you’re right, you’re fucking right),
but now that she’s insisting I “keep the peace” because her mom won’t change,
(That may be true, but her mom being an asshole is not your fault. And it’s not your job to change her, to save her, to fix her or to become a little bitch to please her),
I’m led to believe she was never on my side about it in the first place.
(I would say, that’s not fair. She was, but obviously whatever you said to her this recent time has really set her off. She’s got an emotional charge with it, because her mother’s a lunatic and she fucking knows it.)
I cannot submit to such evil, manipulative, controlling behavior. That is not love. Am I in the wrong here? Is my girlfriend in the wrong?
(Amen dude. I’d say yes, your girlfriend is in the wrong about threatening you with the end of the relationship. That is not loving. That is manipulative. And I wonder, who she could have possibly learned that manipulation from?)
Of course, there are three sides to every story, but the fact that my girlfriend is now insisting I sacrifice my self-respect and self-dignity just to “keep the peace” feels COMPLETELY wrong to me. I would never ask her to do that.
What are your thoughts?
(And you shouldn’t. Here’s what I would say to her, “I love you, I adore you, the sun rises and sets with you, my love. However, if being with you means I’m going to have to start being a people pleaser, catering to your mom and putting up with her abuse, that is just a bridge too far. You can’t ask or expect me to do that, and I’m not going to apologize for things I didn’t do right.
I also don’t appreciate you threatening the end of our relationship because I won’t jump through my butt to please your mother. That is not loving. That is manipulative, and I don’t appreciate that. You should apologize to me for threatening me with the end of our relationship. That is not acceptable. If you’ve got a problem, we can talk it out. Threats, intimidation, manipulation like your mother does, that doesn’t work for me. Maybe you want a guy who’s a bit of a pussy and will put up with that, but that’s just not how I roll.
Hopefully we can work it out, but if we can’t, it’s been a great fucking year, one of the best years of my life. I’ll love you forever and ever, but I’ll understand. This is where I am. This is my truth, and I’m not going to compromise my principles and my values, and I don’t appreciate you trying to get me to compromise my principles and values. You’ve known me for a year, and that shit just ain’t right.”
You’ve got to understand that she may follow through on that threat and say, “Fuck you, you unreasonable bastard. I never want to see or speak to you again.” But you have to say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s not appropriate. Give me a call if you change your mind, but I’m expecting you to apologize to me for behaving this way, threatening to end the relationship or walking out the door.”
You’ve got to let her go. This is one of those times when a woman has to know, if she pushes you too far, you will walk and never look back. But on some level, if you stick to your guns, your girlfriend may storm off, be mad and huff and puff for a few days, but there’s a good chance that she’ll come back as well. And if she does come back, she’ll be submissive to you and say, “You know what, you’re right.” And the next time her mother pulls her bullshit, guess whose side your girlfriend will be on. She’ll be on your side. And if not, you can easily replace her, because you’re a 3% man dude. You have to love yourself enough to not tolerate this kind of disrespect. You can’t go against your truth.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Being a people pleaser is weak and beta. Being alpha means standing up for yourself, what you believe in and being unwilling to compromise your values and principles just to please others. Being a people pleaser is the hallmark of the nice guy beta male women love as friends, but never as romantic partners and lovers. A woman cannot fully love and submit to a man whose masculine core she does not trust. She has to know that if she pushes you too far, that you will walk and never look back. Being a man is about doing what is right, even when doing what’s right is upsetting and offensive to others. Women don’t respect men who are too weak to stand up for themselves and what they believe in. If she doesn’t respect you, she can never love you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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