In life, and in your relationships, you should never settle for anything that is less than what you really want. When I was younger and less experienced, I got married in my mid-20s to a woman whom I loved, but who I was not in love with. One of my coaches years later, when I was trying to improve the quality of my relationships, said that I “married interest level” regarding my marriage to my first wife. I thought about that for a second, he was spot on.
The whole experience taught me to never ever settle for anything less than what I really wanted in a woman again. I never have looking back. When I am single, I have no problem holding out and waiting for what I really want to show up. The exact right person will show up exactly on time, but not before you are ready for them. You must become the person you want to attract. You must do the work on yourself first, and overcome your inner demons, fears, doubts, etc. so you can be at your best personally when you meet Mr. or Mrs. right.
If you’re not happy being single, you’re certainly not going to be happy once you find someone to have a great relationship with. If you’re miserable when you meet them, they definitely will pick you up and make you feel better for a period of time, but once that wears off, you’re still faced with the reality that you are still unhappy. It is erroneous to assume or believe that someone or something outside of yourself can make you happy for any period of time. I know because I’ve tried. At young age I had the world by the balls. I could buy anything I wanted to. Once I finally got “the girl” who was my dream girl, after about six months I realized I still wasn’t happy.
So my next relationship was even better than the last, but still I was not happy. So I spent the time working on myself to become the best man that I could be. I have really high standards for myself. You should too.
Over the years I have learned to listen to my heart when it comes to my relationships, business, life, etc. When I do not, I never feel good. We only do our best at things we truly enjoy. It’s hard to get excited about a lover you cannot stand. Most people stay in relationships way longer than they should, instead of becoming single and working to improve themselves so they can attract an even higher-quality mate and someone who is easy to get along with.
When I worked jobs for other companies where my heart was no longer in it, it really became a chore to motivate myself to do my daily tasks. Fortunately, at least as far as my career was concerned when I was younger, I moved on when it no longer felt right. It took me many years longer to become comfortable ending relationships that no longer served me. As I stated in my book, two people either grow together, or they grow apart. The whole purpose of all relationships is… you go there to give.
It’s people’s fear of loss, fear that they will never find anyone else, anyone better, etc. that usually keeps them from ending relationships and moving on when it’s time. Instead, they live lives of quiet desperation and mediocrity. It’s very sad. I used to be one of them. I got to a point and said to myself… “Enough of this, I am done with this shit!” and I took action to start changing my life. You don’t have to be great to start… but you have to start… to be great… someday!
Kids deserve to be raised in families and by parents who love and adore one another unconditionally. That becomes impossible when two people find ways to tolerate each other, instead of having the guts to find exactly what they are looking for. Parents who stay in it “for the kids” are just fucking their children up emotionally and sentencing them to a life of quiet desperation and mediocrity.
This is an e-mail I got from a woman from Zambia Africa. When it comes to finding the kind of man she wants, she does not want to settle. But it seems like she feels a little guilty for this. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of her e-mail:
Hey coach, am a girl aged 22 from Africa, Zambia. I just wanna ask, is it wrong to have certain standards and qualities put up of what you want in a man, thinks like he should be tall, alright looking, be able to support a family not that i want a rich man, athletic,etc??? (you should absolutely have high standards for yourself, you will never be truly happy unless you go for what you really want in life). Is it ok to have such standards or its cold being picky??? (You can’t fake love. Love is so amazing! Why settle for anything less than what makes your heart flutter?). Is it also ok to turn down a man who claims to truly love you, but you don’t feel the same because you don’t want to settle for less (ABSOLUTELY OK, its YOUR LIFE and YOUR BODY!!!), should we go for what we truly want (ALWAYS!!!) or settle (settling is for losers)??? what if we never find what we want??? (If you seek, you will find. Trust in your heart and intuition, eventually, and once you are ready, he will arrive. As a matter of fact, there’s another bus every 15 minutes if you screw up with one… another will be along shortly. Better always comes. Why? Because you are getting better and more experienced with age also. Therefore, the quality of man you are able to attract becomes better also Take your time and have fun. Life is a MARATHON, not a sprint to the finish line).
Miss Mwila bowa
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Chance favors only those minds which are prepared.”- Louis Pasteur