No Contact: If You Can’t Control Your Urge To Chase & Pursue, You’ll Never Get Her Back

Why you must let women come to you after no contact works or you’ll never get them back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email no contact success story from a guy who got away from the book after he got complacent and couldn’t exercise self control after his girlfriend of three years dumped him. After no-contact worked, he went right back to calling, texting and chasing his ex-girlfriend right back out of his life.

Now he’s in no-contact again and wonders if she will come back after she tried to friend-zone him. She told him he needs to move on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is kind of a partial success story because this guy went into no-contact with his girlfriend that dumped him.

So he was with his girlfriend for three years, but as he says, he got kind of complacent and lazy, got away from the book, got away from his mission and purpose, and got dumped out of the blue by his ex-girlfriend. So even though no-contact worked, he didn’t really follow, or I should say, he didn’t follow what was in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because what I discuss in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is if you got dumped, if she unilaterally ended and changed the terms of your relationship, she fucked it up. She’s got to fix it. That means she’s got to do all the calling, texting, pursuing and all the reaching out first, and then you simply make dates.

This is not a normal dating situation when somebody is coming back, because what has happened in 99% of the cases were guys have experienced this where they get dumped by their girlfriends because the girlfriends have lost interest and respect for the guys is that they have to let the women come to them at their pace. Usually what’s happened is they chased, they called and they texted their women right out of their lives. So what’s happened here is this woman came back, he made a date. They hung out, had fun and hooked up, but he went right back to 100% of the pursuing on his side. Then within a couple of weeks, even though he spent a bunch of time together, he thought he was progressing. She frien- zoned him and broke it off once again and said, “You should probably move on.” So now he’s devastated all over again, and he recognizes that he didn’t listen to me, he couldn’t control himself, and now he’s wrecked his chances, or at least, his second chance he wrecked because he basically chased her right out of his life. He did exactly what got him rejected the first time around.

You got to remember, rejection breeds obsession. Since he got dumped, didn’t want to be dumped. Like most guys, he didn’t see it coming because he wasn’t really paying attention until it was too late. Then when she re-engaged with him, he just went right back to the same smothering behavior. Then all it did was remind her of why she dumped him in the first place, because he just wasn’t acting masculine consistently. You have to be more masculine than the woman is. Women are attracted to confidence, and if you get dumped, on top of that, he begs and he pleads as well with her, which is for this guy to have followed me and know my work and then to think begging and pleading is the way to go, I mean, that’s just stupid, but that’s what shows what happens when you can’t or won’t exercise self-control. In other words, he got dumped because he wasn’t disciplined and he didn’t have his shit together.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I have been following your work for about five years now and have listened to How To Be A 3% Man about 12 times. About three weeks ago, my girlfriend of three years dumped me because she still loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. I had lost vision of my mission and purpose and she became the center of my life and focus. This probably put her in a masculine state and made her feel confused and unattracted to me in a sexual and romantic way.

Yeah, you made her your mommy and your therapist. Women don’t want to be your mommy and your therapist. They want to be your biggest cheerleader and fan. When you lose your way and you stop acting masculine, you stop focusing on your mission and your purpose, you get into a funk, you get depressed, you get off course, you lose your job, or you have a health problem or whatever, and you just stop dating and courting her properly, again you start treating her like your mommy and your therapist. Like that’s the quickest way to dry a woman up, and that’s exactly what he did, unfortunately.

After about a week of no-contact, she reached out asking, “Are you OK? I am worried about you.”

Bottom line is, she was surprised she didn’t hear from him, and she obviously was starting to miss him a little bit. So all he had to do, if you’re in a situation like this, you’re in no contact, your ex breaks it and you got rejected, probably because you smothered her and chased her out of your life, you have to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. She must earn another chance with you, not the other way around. As you’re going to see here, he was focused on how he could get another chance with her and everything he learned in the book, even though he says he went through it 12 times and went right out the fucking window.

I knew this was just her reaching out because she probably missed me, so I set a date for her to come over and we could make dinner together.

So as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back discusses, you invite her over. She’s got to do all the calling, texting, pursuing and reaching out and then you just make dates. So that means you’re not going to go out and pick her up. You’re not going to meet her out. You’re not going to do a group date. You’re not going to meet on neutral ground. You’re not going to go to lunch. You’re not going to go to coffee. If you’re going to give her a chance to potentially win you back, then she’s got to do it on your terms. That’s why she comes to your place to make dinner in the evening. The reason you do the dinner in the evening is because women know if they agree and make plans in the evening at your place and make dinner together, sex is on the table. That is a romantic date. That’s not, “Let’s sit, hang out and talk as pals.” That’s, “Let’s make dinner together and we’ll make love afterwards.”

Women know what that means when you invite them over. It’s a romantic date. If a woman is trying to friend-zone you, she’s going to do everything she can to avoid coming over for dinner. So you want to make sure that she’s going to submit to you and do things your way and allow you to lead. That’s why a 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says she’s got to come to your place three dates in a row. She reaches out all three times, you make dates at your place to make dinner together, and as long as you hang out, you have fun, you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up after that. You always have to let her initiate contact first, and you just simply make dates that can lead to sex. At least for the first three, when she does come back after no-contact, she must come to you, but this guy did it for the first one. Then after that, he just completely came apart again.

We hung out, had fun and hooked up. However, the next day I reached out instead of letting her do 100% of the pursuing.

So that’s exactly the behavior that got you dumped the first time.

I screwed that part up. We ended up hanging out almost everyday for a week, and I wasn’t letting her do 100% of the contacting and pursuing.

He just couldn’t control himself because he was too terrified and worried that he would never hear from her again, even though no-contact worked. He was able to do it once, and then after that, he was too scared to let her do all the pursuing.

This is what happens when you don’t really take the time to learn the book and practice the book. He probably read the book a bunch before he got into the relationship with her, but once he started dating and hooking up, it just went out the window. Over the years, he just completely got away from it, forgot everything he learned and then, in essence, reverted back to all the ways he used to be when he couldn’t get the pussy that he wanted.

About two weeks after the initial breakup, we had gone to a party together.

Again, now he’s doing group dates. He’s just acting like he’s back in a relationship with her. You don’t do that.

The next morning she told me that she still felt the same way as she did when she first ended things and said she thought we should break up again.

This is what happens. I went through this. I learned this in my 20s and early 30s. I’ve been teaching this shit for 20 years. Taught it to tens of thousands of people all over the world that I’ve had phone sessions with and email coaching with, and you just see the same patterns over and over. It becomes as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.

If you get dumped by a girl and she comes back and you hook up one time, then you start blowing her phone up and chasing her again, you’re going to get dumped again for exactly the same reasons. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. If you want to, if you want to try to reinvent the wheel on your own, like have at it, man. Go ahead, go over pursue her and see what happens. All he did was remind her of why she dumped him.

I was absolutely devastated by the news this time because I thought things were moving in the right direction.

Bro, you were doing the opposite of everything I teach. That shouldn’t be surprising.

I begged and pleaded for her to stay and make things work this time, but that obviously didn’t work.

Like yeah, come on, man. I mean, what do you think? You’re going to beg and plead with her?

I was in no-contact for about five days and then had the dumb-ass urge to reach out to ask for things I had left over there.

So he couldn’t handle it because he’s terrified he’s never going to hear from her again. He thinks, “Oh, I got to call her and get my stuff back. Yeah, that’s it. That’s the only reason I’m calling her, is just to get my stuff.” It’s like, that’s not it at all. He was looking for an excuse to contact her because it’s basically, “Are you interested yet? Do you want me back yet?”

It’s like the analogy that I talk about, like baking a cake. Sexual attraction and anticipation is like baking a cake in the oven. You got to put it in the oven and you got to let it bake. If you keep opening the door every couple of minutes, “When is it ready? Is it done yet? Are you ready to see me yet? Are you going to ruin the cake?” The cake is going to deflate. All the sexual anticipation you’d built up over those previous days completely evaporates.

I also asked how she was and apologized for begging and being needy the second time she ended things.

God, he’s just digging a hole. It’s like being at the beach. Have you ever been to Daytona Beach in the sand? He’s like spinning his wheels, and the more you spin your wheels, the more you get stuck, or I should say, New Smyrna, Daytona Beach, where you can drive on the beach.

I told her I would like to take things slow and make things work…

Again, you’re just begging. “Please pay attention to me. Please give me another chance, mommy.” All you did was hold out for a week, and then you went right back to begging again.

…But she said she would like to just be friends and told me, “If it’s meant to be someday, it’ll be, but I think it’s best for you to try and move on.”

Yeah, because he acted like a big pussy. He’s still acting like a pussy. He’s still begging.

I know I probably need to move on and start talking to new girls, but it hurts like hell to move on from a three-year relationship…

Well, you didn’t listen, dude. All I can do is suggest if you want to do the opposite, well you’re going to experience the pain. You’re trying to reinvent the wheel. Everything was all laid out for you. All you had to do was follow it, but you didn’t want to listen. You chose not to exercise emotional self control. So now you get to enjoy being dumped for the second time, and for the same exact reasons that you got dumped the first time.

…Especially since she is so distant and non-forgiving.

While you’re chasing her, you’re chasing her attention and validation. You’re treating her like your mommy and your therapist. Once again, nothing in your behavior has changed. You are still acting extremely unattractive and beta male, and that’s exactly why you got dumped the first time around.

What are the chances you think she’ll reach out again if I keep maintaining no-contact?

Thank you for your wealth of wisdom and support, Coach.

Bob

Flip a coin. It could go either way. Again, you tried doing it your way multiple times. It’s not worked. You tried doing exactly the opposite of what I teach, and it didn’t work predictably. I mean, this is so obvious that this is going to happen, but it is a good email for other people that haven’t done the stupid things that you’ve done to go, “Wow, I don’t want to be like that guy and really ruin my chances.” So even though you’re in a lot of pain, it’s actually going to help a lot of other dudes and girls that won’t make the same mistakes that you did, hopefully.

Again, if you’re not willing to exercise self-control, you have to understand that you’re going to be dealing with the pain of rejection. So my suggestion is to actually take this seriously and read the book 10 to 15 times and be practicing it, because if she comes back in a few weeks or a month or so, you want her to find a more confident version of you, a guy who’s got more swagger, more confidence, more charm, more playful because again, if you’re in a state of fear and she comes back and you haven’t practiced this stuff with anybody else, it’s going to be really hard to appear attractive.

This is such an easy situation to fix. All you have to do is let her reach out, invite her over. She’s got to come to your house because it’s like the clock is reset. So if she does reach out, invite her over to make dinner, hang out, have fun, hook up. When she leaves say, “Call me later.” The next time she reaches out, assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to make dinner together and do the same thing. If she does this three times in a row, she reaches out three times in a row, she comes over and hangs out, has fun and hooks up, then the next time she reaches out, you can meet her out and pick her up and go on dates. I would suggest that you don’t do any group dates until she says she wants to be back together and she’s back in love with you because you made the mistake of thinking you’re right back in a relationship and you started doing group things.

Again, all that shit’s a no-no, but you didn’t listen. You wanted to try it your way, and now you got burned, and your girlfriend may or may not come back. It’s possible you totally cemented in her mind that she made the right decision by dumping you because again, when she came back, you hadn’t changed at all. You did exactly what got you rejected the first time.

Again, this is why when somebody reaches out and breaks no-contact, you have to let them do all the calling, texting and pursuing. Again, if they fucked it up, they got to fix it. Therefore, they’ve got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around, but this guy’s mindset is he’s begging and pleading. Again, he’s still treating her like his mommy and his therapist, and women are disgusted and repulsed by this. If he doesn’t fix it with this girl, the next girl that he does this with is going to dump him for exactly the same reasons.

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