No Contact, Restraining Orders & Child Custody Issues

Some things to consider while in no-contact with a restraining order & child custody issues.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s in no-contact with his ex. She has a restraining order against him that’s in effect for another six months. They only text regarding their child. He wonders if he should go 50/50 in the child custody case.

Despite all of this he wants her back and to get his family back together. They were together for almost 10 years. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

That’s a crazy title!

So in this particular email, this guy is obviously in no-contact with his ex. They were together about 9 1/2 years and I think a 2 1/2-year-old kid. They’re both 32. I guess something happened and she ended up getting a restraining order against him that was, I guess, in effect for a year. I don’t know what country he’s in, but he’s got about six months left on that. So the only time he and her talk is through text, and that’s pretty much always exclusively having to do with arranging them and switching the kid or whatever. Other than that, if he starts to talk about anything else, she just stops replying, but he still wants her back. He wants to put his family back together even though he knows he screwed up.

So obviously if you’re in a situation like this, you need legal counsel because in most cases you’re not allowed to contact them, but again, I’m dealing with guys globally, so I don’t know what the laws are in your state, your country. That’s why you need legal counsel to advise you of what to do in those situations, so you don’t get yourself in more trouble. Just as a side note, I mean, if a girl’s got a restraining order against you, especially in this case because they have a kid together, she only wants to talk about things to do with the kid, then his attitude should be, “You know what? It’s over. We’re never going to get back together again.” Therefore, he should be reading the book, applying it and becoming a better man, becoming a more attractive man, more optimizing his life, his body and taking care of himself. I guess he’s had some chronic health issues and he’s forced to take off work, and he often ends up just not being able to physically work. Therefore, he loses his job. That stressed him out. It stressed his girl out. It was just kind of like back and forth over the years that they were together.

So the one thing he has control over is how he takes care of himself. So he’s got chronic health issues, the number one goal in his life when he’s organizing his life goals should be to take exceptional care of his body, weight training, eating healthy, cardio, all of those things. Obviously, I don’t know what his health issues are. He’s going to have to work with his doctor, but physical fitness and eating really super clean should be a way of life for this guy. Should be something that he just commits to, because having a chronic illness where you’re getting sick, you’re incapacitated and you can’t work, it really is going to screw with your quality of life. So you got to be able to take care of your body, Take care of the controllable.

In the meantime, again, if you’re assuming it’s over, then you should be wanting to master what’s in 3% Man and get some experience dating and applying that, because if at the end of this restraining order, if she doesn’t renew it or get it as a permanent one, then there’s a possibility that if you’re dating and you’re hooking up with other women, you’re going to be totally indifferent to her. As a matter of fact, if you apply what’s in the book, you’re probably going to be dating women that are younger and hotter than her anyways that you better click with and you probably won’t even want her back by that point. If you got other choices, other options and you’ve mastered what’s in the book, because you really take it seriously to learn and master what’s in there and practice it, most importantly with women, when you got choices and you got options, you’re going to tend to do more things right than wrong. Therefore, that’ll put you in the best frame of mind and mindset, and it’ll give you enough practice, wisdom and knowledge over the next six months.

Let’s just assume, just hypothetical, that the restraining order is not permanent, then you guys can talk later. If you’re dating, you’re kind of indifferent to her and you just keep things cordial having to do with your kid, have all of your plans arranged ahead of time so there’s no reason for you to reach out and text her or call her or anything, if all the arrangements are made ahead of time, if she continues reaching out after that, then it’s clear she’s reaching out because she wants to talk. So you put yourself in the conditions where all the arrangements are made ahead of time. You got no reason to reach out at all for any reason, and quite frankly, neither is she. You stick to your schedule and that’s it, because in these instances, especially if she sees the change in him, how he’s physically different, how he’s mentally different, and how he carries himself, he’s got a little bit of swagger, a little cockiness, a little confidence, he’s calm, unlike probably the way she’s used to seeing him, she might start doing things to get his attention and interest. Then he can kind of re-engage and start to apply the things that are in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, invite her to do things together.

As long as it’s protection order, the restraining order is in effect, just keep it to do with the kid and again, you need to have legal counsel advising you on this that’s licensed to practice law in your city and in your country, because you don’t want to get jacked up with the po-po in the courts.

So with that in mind, let’s go through his email and see what’s going on here.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

Hope all is well!

Thanks for taking the time to read this email. I greatly appreciate it. Could really use your help and insight. Don’t mind any critique to help educate other men.

Started getting into your work over the last few months. Mainly watching and listening to videos so far. Started reading 3% Man this week. 

Well, if you’re new here, it’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter, put your email your name, create a password for yourself, and then the book will open up right in your web browser and you can start reading it. All these videos are based on the assumption that you’ve read the book and you kind of know the baseline fundamentals and these video newsletters to help you fine tune and apply what’s in the book to this particular type of a situation.

My ex-fiancee and I were together for 9 1/2 years. Both 32. We share a 2 1/2-year-old child. Her and I had a few short break ups here and there, and one longer break up for around 3-4 months, but always ended up back together. 

To give you a little background, throughout our relationship, I’ve dealt with chronic health issues that have forced me to take off of work multiple times for extended periods. Obviously, this contributed to financial and emotional stress in the relationship at times. As a note, she also grew up moving around a lot, in an unstable family environment, and unfortunately lost her father to suicide as a teenager.

So she obviously comes from a broken home.

So for her, these instances of financial and emotional stress I’m sure were magnified.

Well, I’m sure it would probably trigger her because she grew up in an unstable environment. Like attracts like. People who like the same things, happen to like each other. Water seeks its own level. So she attracted a man into her life that had stability issues just like her father, because that’s what’s natural. That’s how it works.

I would also say that throughout the relationship, at times, I grew complacent, wasn’t taking her out and was courting her less.

That’s usually what most guys do. They’re trying to save money, they get caught up in life or business or whatever, and they cut out the dating and the courtship. You always got a date and court your girlfriend or your wife, or eventually somebody else will come along and some other guy will do it for you. I mean, just look at Tom Brady. The jiu-jitsu guy stepped in to date and court her because he didn’t.

I would look to other outlets such as going out with friends or other hobbies over doing things with her.

Not good. Women want to be in a love story.

I would also say that over the last 2 1/2 years since the birth of our child, we put more effort into doing things as a family and slowly started doing things less as a couple.

You can’t do that. You got to have the two of you, even when you have kids, you got family, you got other commitments, the two you got to find time for each other. You have to date. The family that plays together, stays together. The couple that plays together, stays together. So you have your family time, but you also got to have couple time.

Less dates, less time together just us, less sex. One thing I will say about her, there were times were she put me down due to health issues and didn’t take responsibility for her fault in our issues. This may have been out of her frustrations.

In fall 2023, we separated for that period of 3-4 months. She felt that I wasn’t contributing enough to the household duties and was also out of work too much due to health. She called it bare minimum.

Well, any woman in this situation where she’s leaning on you, you’re supposed to be the head of the household, and because of the health challenges, you can’t physically do it. So that’s not going to make a woman feel safe. It’s going to make her basically become a man, because she’s got to move into the masculine and basically be the breadwinner for the both of you. It’s like you, in essence, become like one of her children instead of her teammate and the leader of the household, and she’s going to resent that. She’s not going to feel safe and the legs are going to close, especially if you’re not dating and courting her like you said you were.

During that time apart, we lived separately, splitting custody. I refocused on prioritizing how I could be better and better contribute to our needs. We got back together in early 2024 and I started a new job during this time. 

After being back to work for eight months, I unfortunately had a setback and had to take an extended leave in September of last year. During this time, my physical and therefore mental health worsened, again contributing to financial, emotional and physical issues. As the time went on, it was incredibly frustrating and anxiety provoking for me. During this time, with everything going on, I grew complacent again, stopped taking her out, etc. I fell back into old patterns I thought I had worked out. We still did smaller and shorter activities as a family on days when I felt up to it but as for her and I, we didn’t prioritize our relationship together.

Yeah, if you don’t take care of your garden, if you don’t pull the weeds out, if you don’t water it and make sure it gets enough sunlight, it’s going to die and wither.

Fast forward to December, we got into a blow out argument. The straw that broke the camels back. Yelling, screaming. I myself, as you would say, was acting like the monkey in the cage. Like a child throwing a tantrum. Lost emotional control. I scared her. I was not masculine. I deeply regret and have incredible remorse for how I handled things. She did put me down again multiple times during this period and although I contributed, she would never take responsibility for her actions. It was always my fault.

Well, if you’re supposed to be the leader and you’re not leading, at the end of the day, the buck stops with the leader.

She ended breaking up with me and filing an restraining order for one year. Our child is not on the restraining order. However, we are now engaged in a contentious custody battle. The restraining order still has another six months left.

During this time, due to the custody situation, I have only seen our child in a limited capacity. My ex and I did not have contact for the first three months of the year. In March, she reopened communication regarding our child. From March to early June, we communicated every couple of days thru text about our child. However, these texts exchanges were always short and to the point, nothing else.

Well again, you got a restraining order, so you got to focus on only what you’re allowed to talk about and discuss with her.

She would stop responding at times as well. In the beginning of June, after finding your work, I decided to go no-contact.

Well, you should be at no-contact because you got a restraining order. I mean, I don’t know what the terms of it are, I don’t know I’m not an attorney. I don’t know the laws in your city, state or country. I don’t know how it handles with kids in the mix, but again, every place is going to be different based on their laws. That’s why you need legal counsel to advise you.

From June to August, I stayed in no-contact. She messaged me multiple times during that period, only about our child. I did not respond as the messages were just updates.

Last week, I broke no-contact to message about our child. We exchanged a few messages but she eventually stopped responding. As a note, she is on a dating app. Not sure if or how often she has gone on dates but I could assume that she probably has a little bit or at the very minimum is talking to other guys. 

Well, it’s clear if she’s on dating app, she’s trying to move on with her life, and you should be doing the same thing. You should be developing a practice squad, developing what’s in the book, because just sitting around waiting on the restraining order to expire so you potentially can re-engage with her is a bad way to go, because you won’t get any better. You’ll still be the same guy when you reach out.

Like I said, if you really take to heart the message that’s in the book, learn it, commit to reading it 10 to 15 times and put the audio-book on two-speed, then follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through each read in about four hours. So the more you do that, the more the information gets in your brain, the more you start applying it, you start to get success, you get results, you get wins, you start seducing other ladies.

Like I said, as you improve, your game gets sharper. You attract better quality women. When the restraining order is expired, you probably won’t even want her back. It would behoove you to do the things I just talked about, so you can put yourself in the best possible chance to have other choices and other options so you have an abundance mentality. Then if she does come back, you’re going to be giving off a completely different vibe. Especially if you’re taking exceptional care of your body and you’re getting the best shape of your life, she’ll see you differently, she’ll be the one coming onto you, chasing you and pursuing you.

You should be fluent in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She clearly broke it up with you. I don’t know what happened that led to the restraining order, but obviously you gotta remain calm at all times. You can’t lose your shit.

Because of the restraining order, I really can’t communicate with her other than about our child even at pick ups/drop offs. 

What is my next move? Back into no-contact?

Yeah, you should assume it’s over and that’s it. You co-parent and that’s all you do because legally, as you said and you put in your email, that’s all you’re allowed to do anyways.

Not sure how to best do that with our child.

What gives me the best chance of attracting her back under these circumstances? Just time?

You improving yourself, you mastering what’s in the book so you can clean up your unattractive behavior that turned her off in the past and get some other choices and other options because like I said, more than likely if you really apply what’s in the book and you get better, there’s a really good chance you’re not even going to want her back. Once the restraining order expires, you will have moved on with somebody better, hotter and younger and who jives with you better. If you get in shape and you really take it seriously, maybe you attract a woman who also is in a physical fitness, and then both of you can push each other.

It’s been 7-8 months. I want out of this custody situation. I love her. I just want her and our family back, but I know it only matters how she feels. I’ve taken this time to work on myself again and truly, for once, understand how I need to handle things differently. Not just listening to videos like yours but really putting things into a daily practice.

Well, repetition is the mother of skill. Excellence is not a singular act. It’s a habit. You are what you do repeatedly. What you do often, you do best.

I’ve gotten my health to a stronger place physically and mentally. More than anything, I feel like I at least need to somehow apologize and take responsibility, but due to the situation I can’t really do that.

Well again, the only way you can do that is if the restraining order is gone. So right now it’s enforced. You can’t do a damn thing. Again, you have to move on with your life. Assume it’s over. You’re never going to get back together again. She’s dating other people, you got to do the same thing because that’s going to help you get better and put you in the best possible position that you’re potentially able to not only potentially re-attract her, but attract women who are better. If you got two or three women that are better, hot, younger and a better attitude, there’s a good chance you’re not going to want to go back to her. You just want to be friends with her and co-parent, and that’ll be it.

In regards to custody, should I continue fighting for 50/50 or try to work something out to work on reconciliation in some way?

Well, at the end of the day, the court, I assume, going to decide. So it’s your kid, man. How how much or how little are you OK with spending with your child? How involved do you want to be, or are you OK with not being involved? So that’s something for you and your legal counsel to figure out, but if it’s my kid, I’m going to want to be able to spend as much time and with them as possible because it goes by really fast. Have you ever been a stepdad or a dad? You know what I’m talking about. It’s just boom! Just like that and it’s over.

Corey, thank you so much for your time and for reading and listening. I truly appreciate it. Any help is appreciated. 

Bob

Well, familiarize yourself also with the article and video that I did, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, so when you’re able to correspond with her in a more open way, you’ll know what to do, but the most important thing is reading the book, applying it, and getting good at the stuff that’s in there. So if you do start interacting with her in the future, she sees a completely different, new and improved version of you that’s way more attractive, way more confident, more disciplined, has their life together better than you’ve ever had it in the past. That’ll stack the deck and the cards in your favor to give you the best possible chance to give you what it is that you want.

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