What to do if you get dumped and your ex says you never cared about her at all.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer who just got dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years. He stopped dating and courting her properly and never made her feel heard and understood. He has tried several times to talk to her and work things out, but she is having none of it saying that they have already talked about everything. He is unsure about no contact since it was his lack of effort to make her feel like he cared that drove her to dump him. I explain what to do next. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, No Contact: She Said I Never Cared About Her, Then Dumped Me.
Well, what’s interesting about this particular email and the fact that this guy got dumped by his girlfriend of three years. He’s brand new, literally just found me a couple of days ago. So I’m not even sure if he’s been through 3% Man yet. But if he is a serious student, he will at least had read this once. At least read it once, I should say.
So, he’s gotten dumped by her, and he’s already realized because he’s starting to go through videos and a bit of the book and realize that he stopped dating and courting her properly, and he did not make her feel heard and understood. And so, he’s thinking, what he’s struggling with is that she told him that he never cared and he’s thinking, how can I go no contact and show her that I care when she’s saying that she broke up with me because I made her feel like I didn’t care.
So, it’s a good question. So, this guy, again, this is probably 80 to 85% of the people that show up, are trying to turn something around. And so, this guy’s gotten to the point where he’s like, hey, I want to get, he’s trying to get together with her and work things out.
Similar like what I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. And he’s like, “Hey, I want to get together and talk about things.” She’s like, “We’ve already talked about this a bunch of times. There’s nothing else to say. I’ve already said my piece.” It’s over, basically. And so, at this point, it’s like she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore. She doesn’t want to be together. She’s tapped out. And so what happens in these cases and the reason why you have to go no contact is the woman has basically said, I’m out.
She’s tapped out. I don’t want to hear from you. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to meet. I don’t want to get together. There’s nothing to talk about. I already told you umpteen times why I wasn’t happy and why I broke up with you. And so, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And so, in this case, she knows he’s tried to work it out, but she’s not having any of it.
And the worst thing you can do is keep calling and texting and showing up when a woman already doesn’t want to call and text you because you’ll end up with a restraining order or getting to the point where you get stuck in friend zone in like a backup position while she dates and interviews and sleeps with other guys. And then you’re thinking that you’re holding on and you’re going to get a chance.
Meanwhile, you’re just like a backup option at that point. And then she finds somebody else, she gets happy. You keep pursuing her. You constantly confirm to her she made the right decision by dipping out. Because any self-respecting man when a woman says, I don’t want to hear from you, I’ve already explained myself. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Man’s going to go, “Hey, I tried.” If you ever change your mind, get in touch, wish you all the best. And then no contact means that you’re never, ever going to speak again for as long as you live, unless she reaches out. Because she unilaterally ended it. She unilaterally said there’s no way we can work it out.
And so therefore you go, okay, I’m done. You don’t want to work it out. You don’t want to try. I’ve given the opportunity. I’m moving on with my life. And as far as I’m concerned, you’re in the rear view mirror. You’re not going to say this to her. This is just how you’re going to behave going forward.
You’re going to lick your wounds. You’re going to want to read the book 10 to 15 times and fill in your knowledge gap, because if she does come back, you need to be different. You need to be the better version of yourself. You need to eliminate all of the unattractive behavior that you’ve been displaying. Because if you don’t and you don’t read the book and she comes back, you’re the same guy she dumped before.
And then within a few weeks, you will turn her off and chase her right out of your life for exactly the same reasons. That’s why your behavior has to change. You have to learn how attraction works, what creates it, and what turns women off. And this guy has just been constantly turning her off.
Hi Coach Corey,
I’m 23 and just found your info yesterday. I bought your audio book and am now on my first listen though. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me about two weeks ago.
I realize now that I got complacent and wasn’t listening to her effectively.
Well, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open and when she doesn’t, the legs close.
The last few weeks she would bring things up about how I needed to be treating her better, more compliments, doing more things with her, etc.
In other words, spend time with me, romance me, wine me, dine me, buy me flowers kind of mentality, not that you’re going to buy her flowers all the time. But the point being is she’s trying to help this guy do the things that will make her feel like he cares.
Because if he’s not making her feel heard and understood, he’s not dating and courting her. Then they’re kind of like roommates, if they’re living together. I don’t know. I can’t remember if they were living together or not. But the point being is that she got to the point where she was so unattractive to this guy.
She didn’t even want to get together and talk about why they broke up, or what would it take to fix things. Because in her mind, she’s already tried that countless times and he never listened to her anyways. So, she’s given up on him.
I would rationalize what she was saying and put my best effort into communicating back to her what I believe she wanted. She would reply quick with “Don’t change your perfect.”
Yeah, she wants you to be the man that you are. But the point being is that obviously he didn’t know at the time. He didn’t make her feel heard and understood, and he wasn’t dating and courting her properly. And so, what he was communicating to her and she was interpreting is, “Oh, I need to change myself to make you happy.” And she’s saying, “No, I don’t want you to change yourself.” But she couldn’t like most women explain what it is exactly she needed from him, in a way that it would click. And that’s where yours truly comes in.
Leading up to the breakup she would tell me how perfect I was, compliment my looks, and tell me that she would always want to be with me. She sent me a whole paragraph about it four days before she ended things.
Well, at the time she’s probably trying to talk herself into it, just like most people who are at the end of the relationship. It’s like, how many of you have friends like, “Oh, things are great, our marriage is great, our relationship is great. We’re so happy together. It’s awesome. It’s amazing. It’s better than ever.” And then a week later, you’re like, “Oh yeah, she left me,” or “She divorced me” or “She moved out.” I remember one of my friends who, he and his wife always portrayed that their relationship was awesome, and things are great.
And then next time I see him, he’s like, “Oh, I’m not with my wife anymore.” I was like, “What?” And then we go to dinner and he’s like, “Oh yeah, we haven’t had sex in three years. We were going to couples therapy and the therapist is begging her to have sex with me.” And it’s like, she wasn’t having any of it. I was like, “Dude, why didn’t you call me?” He’s like, “You think I’m going to call you and tell you I’m being a bitch with my wife?” I was like, it’s like, So now you’re divorced. Okay.
But it’s like, how many of us know that? How many of us know people that put on this image, everything’s great, and then they end up getting divorced or breaking up shortly after that. So you got to take things in a case by case basis. And at least by that point, if it was only four days before she broke up with you, she was saying that probably to make her, I mean, she knows you’re a great guy, but the bottom line is that she’s not feeling it.
She’s not feeling attracted. And women don’t care about what a great guy you are or how much you shouldn’t change. The only thing they care about is how they feel about you. And the bottom line is she broke up with you because she wasn’t feeling it anymore. And you look at her actions. Their actions are what matter. The words don’t matter. The words that she said, she meant that on that day. But again, more than likely, she was trying to talk herself into believing it.
I know now that I basically stopped courting her, and that she needed my affection to feel good about herself and confident that I still wanted to be in the relationship.
If you tell a girl that you love her all the time, but you never date her, never take her out, she’s going to eventually realize that you don’t give a shit.
Throughout the whole relationship she was the one who would reach out and ask to come over I almost never initiated. The weeks leading up to the breakup, we would just hang at my house, joke around, be intimate and then I would have work during the week, and she had her senior year of college to finish up.
Yeah. So, he’s treating it like a friends with benefits and typically friends with benefits. You like hooking up, you don’t want to spend money on them. You’re not you’re not going to really show them that you care.
She told me during the breakup that it felt like we were just friends during the week and would be intimate on the weekends. I do believe she still cares for me, and I know that I wasn’t receptive and didn’t court her in the last few weeks/ months of the relationship. Obviously, I want her back. I realize that I took her for granted and I want to be able to show her what I realize now.
Well, that’s the mentality of I’ve got to prove myself to her. I got to get her attention. I got to get her to give me another chance. And that’s the wrong mentality. She ended the relationship unilaterally. And what you should be focused on is learning the book and applying it and getting better with other women, practicing with them.
So, when she does, or if she does reach back out, she gets a new, improved, attractive version of you. And it’s not you’re trying to get her attention and validation. You’re giving her the chance to win you back over because it takes two to tango. Both people have to be willing to make their relationship work in order for it to work. And if only one person is willing to make it work, then it’s not fixable. It’s not salvageable.
And so, until she signals that she’s open to making an effort or open to trying to win you back, i.e. calls, you text you, I miss you. What are you up to? “Heyyy,” as the book says. If a woman reaches out, especially in this case, after she’s broken up with you, you should assume she wants to see you and you’re going to be following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.
Invite her over to make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up. When she leaves, say, call me later. And since she ended it, she’s got to do all the calling, texting and pursuing. The difference is, is that when she comes over, you make sure she’s doing 80 to 90% of the talking. And you do most of the listening.
I reached out to her a couple of times to try to talk about it more, and she said, “We talked about everything already.”
Yeah, she’s had this conversation umpteen times and like, if I was doing a phone session with this guy, I would say, what would what did she complain about? What was her biggest complaint? And it’s usually the same 2 or 3, “You never listen. We never go anywhere.” It’s the same thing all the time.
In other words, you’ll hear the same complaints over and over again. And so, when the guy I’m coaching tells me what his girl was complaining about. Then I know right away what he’s been doing wrong because I understand what it means. And then I can help him take corrective action. But in this case, he should be focused on himself.
He should be learning the book and applying it and practicing it as much as possible with everybody he meets, whether it’s his mom, his sisters, the women he works with, women he meets in the street, wherever. You got to improve and practice what’s in the book. So, you see that it works, because that’s what builds your confidence over time.
And the more your confidence grows and the more you display attractive behavior, what that does is create the conditions where other women are finding you more attractive and signaling their romantic interest, and the ex potentially will become more attractive when she comes back and gets the new improved version.
But since she ended it, she’s got to be the one to fix it. She’s got to do the pursuing. And right now, she doesn’t even want to talk to you. So, it’s over. Unless you hear differently from her, that means you’re never going to contact her again for any reason. Birthdays, Holidays. Doesn’t matter.
She tossed you out like the trash, and she’s not willing to make the effort to reconcile. So, it’s, it’s DOA, there’s dead on arrival. Nothing’s going to happen until she reaches out. And if she doesn’t reach out, it’s donesies forever.
I wished her a happy birthday this past Tuesday which I now realize I probably shouldn’t have done that after watching some of your videos.
Yeah. Oh, that’s nice of you, but it’s like she didn’t care.
I’m just confused about the no contact rule. You state that I should be cutting off communication completely, but it was my failure of communication and listening effectively that drove her away.
That’s communicating when you’re in a relationship and making her feel heard and understood. But if you remember, what she told you is like, I don’t want to get together. There’s nothing to talk about. I already told you everything I had to say. So you know what you did wrong.
And right now, you should be doing everything you can to prepare yourself for either her to come back or for you to meet somebody ten times hotter and better and easier going easier to get along with than she was. You’ll either attract her back or you’ll find somebody better.
Would no contact still work in my situation, or would the best course of action be something else?
You should be following Exactly what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Yeah, you got dumped because you didn’t communicate with her properly and you didn’t make her feel heard and understood and you didn’t date her.
But once you realize the error of your ways, she’s not having it. She’s not interested in giving you another chance. So. There’s nothing that you can do at this point until she reaches out. And if she does, I assume she wants to see you.
Like you say in some of your videos “If you do what you’ve always done, you’re going to get what you always got.”
The other thing you got to keep in mind is rejection breeds obsession. And so every fiber of your being is communicating to you that you need to do something to fix this. It’s called the illusion of action. And I wrote about this in 3% Man.
I think she wanted me to reach out more during the relationship and if I’m not doing that for a long period of time after we broke up, she will say, “See he never cared about me.”
Again. She doesn’t want to talk to you. It’s just like when a woman says, I need space. And a woman says she needs space because you’re smothering her.
And then we won’t have the possibility of getting back together. What are your thoughts?
If a woman doesn’t want to see you, doesn’t want to get together with you, doesn’t want to give you the opportunity to fix things, right now, at the present time, fixing things is not possible. So, you have to let her be. You have to give her the space and time away from you to wonder about you, to think about you. And you’re not going to cry to your friends or whine to your friends about what you lost.
As far as everybody that you know, especially if you have any mutual contacts, is that you’re grateful for the relationship, you’re grateful for the experience, you’re sad that it ended, but you’re excited about what the future brings. And you wish her all the best. She was a great girlfriend, and then change the subject and then that’s what gets back to her, that you’re moving on. You’re living life. You’re enjoying it because you can’t fix it unless she’s willing to work with you to fix it. And right now she’s not willing to do anything.
Thank you for reading this,
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur