How passing her tests of your strength leads to her willingly submitting to you and giving you what you want.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy who has been displaying weakness with a woman he really likes, failing her tests, and who unfortunately has lots of other men in her life. He thought things were progressing and she was going to be his “queen” but she is now exclusive with another man. He’s gotten better, but he still has the wrong mindset and approach to the situation. He’s still stuck in friend zone after many years.
The second email is a success story from a guy who displayed similar weakness in the past, but eventually got it right, and she is now his girlfriend. These are two good contrasting emails, so you can see the right and wrong approach to getting the woman you really want. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I have been watching your videos for several months and recently purchased the Kindle version of your book, (on my 2nd read now, only 8 to go!)
He’s talking about, “How To Be A 3% Man,” which is my first book. You can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you have to do is subscribe the the email newsletter. I would say, read the book 10-15 times ideally, so you know the information in the book backwards and forwards, and it becomes instinctual. When you only read it a handful of times, then you’re trying to game out everything a woman says or does, you end up coming off like a robot, and you’re just not going to be very effective.
The whole book teaches you a mindset, and that’s what you’re going to see here in this email. This guy’s old mindset is still creeping in, but he’s still relatively new to the material.
I need help with a woman who I want to spend my life with.
Easy. Slow your roll dude. This is the thing a lot of guys do. They see a girl, and they project their fantasy onto her, “This is my dream woman.” And you’re going to see some red flags, for those of you who have been following me for awhile. You’re gonna go, “Dude, what are you thinking?”
We met on Bumble about a year ago and have dated on and off.
Why would you want the dream woman that you’re dating on and off? It should be easy and effortless. But then again, he’s trying to improve his game.
Our chemistry is off the charts, but we have not been in the right place to make a long-term relationship happen.
Now he’s rationalizing for her, making all of these excuses. He’s going to be a white knight, ‘Captain Save-A-Hoe.’
From the age of 19, she was trapped in a bad marriage with a lying, cheating husband. She divorced him 5 years ago and has been dating all kinds of guys.
Typically, what you see in these situations is that women, or men for that matter, that are with people that lie and cheat , like attracts like. Birds of a feather tend to flock together, so look for some of these patterns coming up.
She’s been engaged to 3 different men but has broken it off every time, because she’s afraid of being trapped.
I’d say it’s more than likely because she lost attraction and respect for these guys, because they didn’t have the balls to stand up to her.
Most men don’t know the rules, and as an alpha female she easily finds their weaknesses and discards them. I was guilty of over-pursuing her in the beginning, but with your help I have found the right pace to generally stay connected with her, but let her feel comfortable and free to come and go.
So, he believes he’s doing everything right. And if he was doing everything right, he wouldn’t be writing me this email in the first place. He’d be sending me a success story. But he’s still new. He’s only been through the book twice, so I won’t break his balls too hard.
About a month after we met, I fell in love. I couldn’t believe I had met my queen; she is everything I want in a life partner.
Dude, you just don’t know her well enough to make that kind of decision. Slow your roll man.
However, I was not ready; I was recovering from my divorce emotionally and financially. She hasn’t been ready either; she’s afraid to commit to any one guy.
This is the story he’s telling himself to rationalize her behavior. Engaged to three different dudes in less than five years? After being with a guy for who knows how long? She’d been single for five years, and her ex-husband was cheating on her, so you see some of the same kind of patterns.
Women who have their shit together that come from a good family, they’re not going to be engaged to three different dudes in just a few years. It just doesn’t happen. They’re selective, they take their time, and they’re happy to be single until they find the right guy.
Girls that are insecure, who had bad relationships or nonexistent relationships with their fathers, they tend to behave like this. They just never learn which men to trust, which men are good, which men are men to stay away from.
I have always loved her freely; whenever she’s left, I let her go, and don’t contact her. She has always come back; the last time, I asked her why, and she said ‘I don’t know; you are always centered, and I am drawn to you’.
Obviously, you’re letting her go, you’re moving on with your life and you’re dating other people. You don’t keep pursuing to the point where you smother her, she sticks you in friend zone, and then you keep drooling all over her like a lot of guys tend to do that don’t know any better.
Over the past year, I have regained my emotional strength, accepted a great job, and have stabilized my life. I am now working my way out of debt and overall starting to live the life I should be living. At the same time, she has grown tired of not meeting men who meet her standards, and she is now ready to find a life partner.
She’s been engaged to three different dudes in the last five years. It sounds like she’s been looking all along. But again, these are probably the excuses that she’s giving him, and he goes, “Sounds logical. Makes total sense. Now she’s really ready.” What he really wants is her to be his ‘queen,’ as he says.
We reconnected again in early July after not contacting each other for 3 months. We had a beautiful weekend where we hung out, had fun and fooled around, (no sex). However, she was headed to California the following week to see her on-again, off-again boyfriend of 4 years. She left and did not make contact for a month. Last week, she reached out and we agreed to meet. She wouldn’t commit to dinner with me but agreed to go on a hike.
Notice what she did there? He’s trying to set a date, even though she’s seeing some other dude, and then he agrees to go on a hike. You’re probably not going to have sex or hook up on a hike. You’re doing something during the day. So, you failed that test dude. You want sex and romance, and she’s got another guy in her life — the guy she’s actually fucking — and you’re agreeing to go do a platonic type of thing. The activity, in essence, cock-blocks you from anything romantic happening.
If you followed “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” a video and article I did several years ago, she would be coming to your house to make dinner together, or you wouldn’t be making dates. But, you were scared to stand up for yourself, or maybe you didn’t know any better because you’re still new, and so you agreed to do something that was a platonic type of get-together. That way, whatever she’s not getting from the guy she’s fucking, she can get with you, because you’re being her pal. You’ll notice that she uses the F-word a lot referring to him, the ‘friendship’ word.
During our hike she told me she had decided to commit to one man; not the guy in California, but someone I didn’t even know she had been dating for the past few months.
Come on man.
She says he and I are very similar, but he’s Mormon, as is she (I’m not); he’s also more financially stable than I am right now.
So, these are the excuses. They sound legit, but at the end of the day, he hasn’t had the balls to stand up for himself and politely say, “Nah, I’m not interested in that.” It’s like he’s sending two different signals. On one hand, he’s interested in sex and romance, but he agrees to do platonic things, just so he can spend time with her.
A lot of guys think, “If I could just get around her, I’ll convince her.” But a man who values himself, who loves himself and knows what he brings to the table would be like, “No. If you want to get together, I’d love to. It’s been a long couple of weeks, I’m really tired and not in the mood for a hike, but I would love to get together and maybe make dinner, maybe have some wine and catch up.”
Women know, if you’re making a date in the evening to make dinner together, that’s a romantic type of thing. But that’s why she refused to go to dinner with you and instead went on a hike. That’s where you failed the test. She sold you on why you needed to do a platonic activity, instead of you selling her on why you should do a romantic activity. That’s how you get blue balls.
She gets butterflies with him, and that’s new for her. I told her that I was glad she was in a place to try to have one committed relationship, but that I wanted it to be with me.
Yeah, she really sounds like she’s in a place to have a committed relationship.
However, I didn’t push her to define our relationship.
Well, she didn’t have to, because you agreed to being a friend by going on the ‘hike.’
Although she kept bringing up friends.
See, you go on a hike, and she keeps referring to you as her ‘friend.’ She’s got to come to you. If she wants a chance with you, she’s got to come to you. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she’s not really ready to entertain anything romantic, and that’s why you politely decline the offer. Tell her you’ve been busy or you’re tired. You’re not up for anything strenuous.
You don’t meet them out for drinks, you don’t go to coffee, you don’t go to lunch. Don’t do any of that crap with her, especially when she refers to you as ‘friend.’ That’s her way of saying, ‘this is how I look at you, as platonic,’ and you’re going ‘no, I’m interested in something romantic, but yeah, let’s go on a hike or have some coffee together.’ Your actions communicate that you’re okay with friendship.
We ended our hike, then she stayed for dinner and a movie, and spent the night in a separate bedroom.
Oh boy, I bet that was a lot of fun.
The next day we snuggled, talked and took another long hike. We ate, hung out and rubbed coconut oil on each other’s sunburns until 6:30 pm, at which time I basically kicked her out, so I could get ready for a date I had planned before she reached out.
Well, it’s good that you had a date lined up, but you shouldn’t have agreed to do anything platonic. She should come over to your house. You should have said, “Let’s just do dinner.” But instead, you agreed to do the friendship type stuff, and she sleeps in another bedroom. That’s not a successful negotiation my friend.
We talked and touched each other the whole time; she admitted she was more her authentic self with me than with anyone else, and that I know her better than even the guy in California she had seen for 4 years.
So, you’re her emotional tampon, her gay male girlfriend, however you want to put it, and she’s fucking the other guy in California and not you. That’s why she’s sleeping in a separate bedroom.
We tell each other everything.
Well, there’s part of your problem. You’re treating her like your buddy and your pal and your friend. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Not, hang out, tell each other everything and sleep in separate bedrooms.
She has said she doesn’t even know why she shares everything, good or bad, with me.
Well, obviously you do a good job of opening her up, and she likes talking to you, but you’re still allowing her to keep you in friend zone. That’s why you politely decline to do anything platonic if you’re interested in sex and romance.
I told her it’s because she wants me to trust her completely, which she agreed with. We have earned each other’s highest trust.
Really? You just found out about another guy and a guy she says she wants to be committed to after she went with yet another guy out in California that she’s sleeping with.
And in many ways we have become best friends.
But not lovers.
But she is still highly attracted to me and she constantly wants my touch when we’re together. At various times, we have had awesome sex, but when she has been committed to other people, I have made sure to respect her boundaries. But we always end up fooling around.
Yeah, but she’s not going all the way with you.
On this last visit, she said it was obvious I have become more confident and more myself, and she could tell from the moment I greeted her.
That’s a good sign, but you’re not doing it completely, because you’re still agreeing to do platonic things. That’s why she’s fucking somebody else, and now apparently, going to be in a committed relationship with another dude.
She said her dad, (who is a great guy, and who she has a strong relationship with), told her that I am a great guy, which I take as a strong complement, especially given that I am not Mormon like they are.
All of that sounds nice, but at the end of the day, she ain’t fucking you bro. She’s fucking somebody else.
Despite all of these positive signs for us, she wants to be with this other guy.
So, she can keep you as the emotional tampon, as a backup plan in case things don’t go well with the other guy, and at least up until this point, you’ve always been compliant with it.
The day after she left, I sent her a message saying that although I had one of the best weekends of my life with her, I had told her before that I would not be second to any man in her life, and that I could not compromise on that.
Well, it’s nice that you say that, but then you go out and do hikes and things. Your words and your actions are not congruent. That’s part of your problem. A man is always consistent. You’re either in or you’re out. You either want to go and do something romantic, or you can call somebody else. Which obviously, she’s got a lot of other dudes on speed dial.
I said that although I want her to be with me, I think it is a big step forward for her healing and growth that she wants to be in one committed relationship, that I loved her freely, and that I understand attraction is not a choice.
Come on man. You don’t say things out of the book like that.
In order to help her focus on one relationship, I was cutting off all contact with her. I encouraged her to reach out if things didn’t work out and she wanted to see me again, and that I felt at least a couple of months needed to go by before she should contact me. I then stopped sharing my Apple watch fitness data, (we had been tracking each other and competing on fitness goals for the past 8 months), along with a playlist and photo album we shared, with the idea of showing her how to really cut people off; it’s been a problem for her, as she attracts so many men and doesn’t want to hurt them, so she ends up trying to stay in touch with everyone.
She just likes the attention and validation from all of the guys, because she’s too insecure to go it alone until she finds the right guy.
For her to grow and focus on a single relationship, she has to value her time and energy more, which was something we had discussed.
Again, he’s rationalizing all of these excuses. And oh, they sounds legitimate, but at the end of the day dude, she’s not fucking you. She’s fucking somebody else.
She replied to my message by saying ‘A million thanks for being you! I truly appreciate our beautiful friendship and your intuitiveness. Some time apart is exactly what we need,’ and we wished each other the best.
Two days later, it was my 50th birthday, (she’s 9 years younger than me, and her boyfriend is her age). Even though we had agreed to no contact, I was a bit disappointed that she hadn’t texted to say ‘Happy Birthday’. About 5pm she sent a message saying she was at my building,
You’ve got this girl on a pedestal dude. You told her not to contact you unless she was interested in something romantic. So again, her test is… let’s see.
(I live 30 miles from her) to drop off a present, but she had forgotten the door code. I replied with the code and said I was at the gym, so she could just stick it inside my apartment. (I had just left for the gym, but knew to not turn around and chase her.)
Well, you did right there. So good job with that.
She replied, ‘I don’t want you to be upset because we agreed to not contact each other, but I couldn’t help myself and wanted to get you something for your birthday’.
“Well, you naked in my bed would have been perfect. But thanks for the gift.”
I had been a bit worried about how completely I had cut her off.
See, that’s your problem — ‘What if I never hear from her again?’ You’re either in or you’re out. This is a negotiation. You didn’t walk away from the negotiating table saying, “Give me a call if you change your mind or you want to up your offer.” Instead, you’re going, “Oh, I hope she comes back.” That’s your problem. You’re not willing to let her go forever.
You’re interested in sex and romance, whether it’s with her or somebody else. You’re thinking this is your soulmate, and in reality you’re just her gay male girlfriend, her emotional tampon and the guy that validates her any time she has doubts about herself.
And I wanted her to know it was out of love, not spite, so my reply showed I was excited she had thought of me. A couple hours later, I was back home and texted her that I truly appreciated her thoughtful gifts and that I was blessed to know her. (I know, a bit of putting her on a pedestal, but I wanted her to know I was not upset with her for anything.) She replied ‘Good! I thought you’d be mad at me for contacting you when we agreed not to.’
Again, the gift is really, ‘let me keep you in friends zone and kind of stroke your ego a little bit, dangle the carrot in front of your face a little.’
Then I saw the fucking test – I actually saw it the first time, but ignored it because I wanted her attention. The second time, she made it obvious. I replied, ‘We did, but I appreciate your effort’. I didn’t know how else to recover. I won’t be reaching out to her, and I know now I need to be strict with her about reaching out, but I could use some advice on how to navigate the next few months and how I should have handled this in the first place.
You’ve got to follow what I teach in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You’ve got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. I would not go anywhere to meet her out, or pick her up, or any of that bullshit if she reaches out in the future. And more than likely, considering all of the dudes in her life, at some point she’s going to reach back out.
The only thing that you’re going to have to offer and the only distance you’ll be willing to travel to see her is the distance that it takes to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in. Make a date in the evening to make dinner together if she reaches out. If she’s still with the other guy, you’ve got to withdraw the offer and don’t go on any hikes or any of that platonic bullshit.
You should be meeting and dating other women. As far as this chick being your dream girl, you don’t know that. You haven’t spent enough time with her.
I feel like I have a 50% chance of seeing her again, and there isn’t anything I can or should do about it.
That is correct. Good assessment.
It’s really up to her. We have a chance to be the kind of couple that does everything together seamlessly; work, home life and recreation, because we’re so aligned.
Again, you don’t know that yet. You’re pedestalizing this girl, and you’re projecting your fantasy onto her.
I am hopeful it works out, so I need to make sure I am presenting the best of myself at all times to her.
You’ve got to present the best of yourself to the world, and that includes her and all other women potentially. But she’s really a low quality prospect just looking at the fact she was married to a liar and a cheater, and obviously she’s deceiving the guys that she’s supposedly having a relationship with if she’s hanging out and fooling around with you.
So, if she’s happy, she’s probably loyal and faithful temporarily, but as soon as things don’t look like they’re going to work out, she’s hanging out with some other dude. Is that what you really want for your queen? I think not.
I appreciate any advice you can give on how to advance this relationship if and when I have the opportunity to do so, and how to keep things on track if she comes back again.
It’s not a relationship, dude. It’s just a potential dating prospect, and a low quality one at that. That’s the reality. You’ve got to read the book 10-15 times, but you should be, at this point, applying what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” She’s got to come over three times in a row.
And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times at your place, making dinner together in the evening, then you can go on regular dates, but she’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from here on out. Because the only way she’s going to make you her man is if you give her the space and time to choose you before all others. And you do that by not pursuing, because you tried your approach, and it has not worked for the last year or two.
Thanks for all you do! I am making a donation now.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I have chased women for years, and it has gotten me friend zoned and blue balled. Especially when I had real attraction for a girl. I thought your 20% – 80% ratio was bullshit until I realized how women I’m not into would pursue me.
There you go. I might not always be right, but I’m never wrong.
I met a girl on Tinder that knocked my socks off, but I was such a shy, beta male pussy. I never set dates, we just acted as pen pals. The pen palmenship ended, and I did not hear from her.
Four years later, after reading your book several times and meeting women, my purpose is paramount.
Good job dude.
I cannot be strayed from the path I walk. Every goal I achieve increases my confidence, and every failure increases my knowledge.
Now you’re thinking.
My beliefs and my purpose are firmly grounded into the person that I am. I can now help others achieve goals as a fitness trainer.
She contacted me after 4 years silent, and we got together. I went in for the kiss the first time we hung out. When she showed resistance, I’d gently back away, knowing all the while her desire for me inevitable based on her body language. Two steps forward, one step backward.
Right out of the book. Good job dude.
She seemed stoked about me but canceled last minute on our second date. I told her it’s all good, well hang out some other time.
Notice he didn’t try to reschedule. He mirrored right back her lack of enthusiasm and lack of interest.
The problem I experienced was due to the long period of being a big pussy to her.
True, because that caused her to form an opinion of you, which obviously wasn’t the one you wanted.
She tested me more than any woman ever has. I honestly liked her, but had to continue to date other women, and when she got in touch with me, I’d say “when are you free to get together. Come to my place. Okay, some other time” as a broken record. I had to walk away and mean it!
So, eventually he worked up the nerve to do what the first guy is almost on the verge of doing. He’s getting there, but he’s still got a ways to go.
We are currently in a relationship. She asked me to be her man, and she submits to my masculine core, but checks me when I show weakness. I am learning to break down her barriers and communicate. When I do that, her legs seem to open up. Your book has changed my life. I will read it repeatedly and also teach others the material.
Good job! So, the first guy is moving in the right direction. He’s getting there. He’s making progress, but he’s not quite there yet.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If you are not strong enough to stand up for yourself and what you want to the woman of your dreams, she’s never going to be comfortable and attracted enough to respect you and ask you to be her man. A weak man, who is too afraid to let a woman go when she is rude, disrespectful and takes him for granted, will never be able to get out of the friend zone. Relationships are a two-way street. Unfortunately, most men who don’t know any better get run over in both directions.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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