Proper Use Of The No Contact Rule

Aug 29, 2016 by Coach Corey Wayne
iStock.com/gpointstudio
Photo by iStock.com/gpointstudio

How to properly use the no contact rule to get your ex back or to re-attract a woman you pushed away and turned off by over-pursuing.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped and blown off by his ex-girlfriend of two years by acting like a woman, losing his center and as he puts it, by acting like a “needy lovey-dovey mangina.” In the beginning of the relationship he was doing everything right and acting like an alpha male, but slowly over time he says he became the woman in the relationship. He finally told her he was not interested in being friends and only wanted to see her romantically.

After four months of no contact, she reached out and basically told him she could not live without him. However, she has been hot and cold and sometimes ignores his attempts to set a date. She is also vacillating back and forth between him and another guy and is often confused. He asks what he can do to fully re-attract her and cause her to completely disengage from the other guy and choose him for good. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Coach,

iStock.com/Ridofranz
iStock.com/Ridofranz

I’m Bob from Canada, and I like many of your clients, found your work after my relationship went bad. I met Jessica 2 years ago when we both were 33 years old. We met online, we hooked up instantly and we connected like crazy. Everything was there, massive chemistry, passion and the best sex ever for both of us. After learning about your work, I understood how I destroyed this relationship by my woman-like behavior. In short, I was the dominant alpha in the start of the relationship. She did almost all of the initiating, and in 3 months said the I love you words first. After that, I slowly started to deteriorate into a needy, lovey-dovey mangina whose feelings were everything but unclear. This woman knocked my socks off in every way, and I loved her more than any woman ever, so of course I ended up chasing her out of my life. In the end, I initiated most of the time, and it was around 50/50 if we count all 2 years. (Any time a guy pursues a woman more than 20 or 30% of the time, it’s just simply a matter of time before he gets friend zoned, rejected or starts hearing things like, “I need space,” “I’m confused,” “I’m unsure,” or “I’m not sure where I’m able to be at this point in my life.” If you follow what I teach, in the beginning the man is supposed to pursue. Once the woman starts to feel safe and comfortable, and as her attraction grows, she will start to pursue more and more. Once she starts reaching out to you, you can back off, wait to hear from her and then make the next date. As she becomes more attracted, more interested and feels more chemistry, she’s going to want to bond and connect more, and she’ll actually facilitate that, because that aligns with her feminine essence. Feminine energy is about bonding, connecting and opening up to receive love, so what was happening here is you were basically in your feminine, calling her to bond, connect, open up to receive love and acting like a woman, and that turned her off. It is totally predictable.) While reading your book, I cringed afterwards at how I screwed up so badly and lost the love of my life. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced, (That’s the rub, because when you’re really emotionally anchored to somebody, your whole identity becomes totally associated with being with them and in a relationship. Then when she starts pulling away, you start fearing losing her. Because you’re in a fearful state, you start trying to do things, because as men, masculine energy is all about purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing and breaking through barriers, so you think you have to do something to fix it. What happened is, you became needy and insecure — basically a big mangina. Then it’s just a matter of time before you get blown off), but on the bright side, it pushed me to find your work. (What happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. You hit the wall metaphorically.)

iStock.com/skarau
iStock.com/skarau

After screwing things up by making her my life, hanging out too much and acting all needy and dopey, things weren’t the same anymore. She wasn’t in love anymore. She wanted space. I feared the final break up, and I had fucked up so badly already that it was hard to turn the tables, even though I started reading your book and watching your videos. (The other thing to consider is, you’ve lived your whole life this way. You’ve lived your whole life with a certain type of belief system that has driven your actions. Remember, people will act consistently with how they view themselves to be, whether the view is accurate or not.) I did the usual movie cringe where the guy brings a gift to his distant wife and confesses love to her, thinking that it changes her into wanting him again, just to see her shrug it off and say thanks, but I need space. (In other words, you figured buying a gift would, in essence, fix the relationship. It was a bribe for her to stay with you.) I found your work way before the final break up, so I had studied your “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” almost 10 times. I correctly stated what I wanted and walked away. She had lost attraction and didn’t want to be with me anymore. She REALLY, REALLY wanted to stay friends, but I wanted her back romantically, so I had to walk away, even though it was HARD. (It’s not easy.)

iStock.com/dolgachov
iStock.com/dolgachov

After 4 months of walking away, she came back saying she cant live without me. (Scarcity creates value.) She had an amazing attitude change. I set a date and instantly we had sex and did it the whole evening. This would never have happened if I had stayed as friends. (That’s absolutely correct.) But after that, she’s been cold. Usually, she texts the next day after our hang out, have fun, hook up evenings, but after that, nothing for few weeks. Then she sent a few pictures and something about how intense and busy her life is now. (The only reason a woman is saying that is because she’s trying to create space and distance. When somebody gets rid of you, they’re the one ending the relationship, and they have to be the one to rekindle things. You have to flip the script and look at it as, she needs to earn you back. You were the one willing to work things out, and she wasn’t. Therefore, she has to come to you.) I tried to set a date, but basically got ignored. Yeah, there is another guy in the picture, (That’s another reason for her vacillating back and forth. That’s why it’s so critically important, when you’re in a situation like this, to know the book backwards and forwards. You’re also going against your emotional conditioning, your programming and your belief systems. In other words, your beliefs are in conflict with your goals, which are obviously that you want to be with her. Plus, she’s got two years of being with you, so you’ve emotionally conditioned her to expect you to be a certain way. By pursuing her, instead of letting her do 100% of it, you just erased those 2 or 3 weeks of attraction you had built. She goes back to feeling neutral and not sexually attracted to you, and on top of this, you’ve got another other guy in the picture who she doesn’t have a long history with. But obviously he’s still not doing everything right, because she’s still vacillating and bouncing back and forth between you and him. That’s really a direct reflection of how you’re showing up. She’s testing for strength. When she senses that strength, she pursues and has more attraction for you. When she senses weakness, she withdraws and goes to the other guy to test his strength), and she said she’s unsure about him, but she still came back to me and had sex with me, even though the other guy is still in the picture. That should tell a lot. She’s unsure about him, and no matter what she said about me, she’s unsure of me too. (That’s a reflection of you. You’re unsure and not in your masculine 100% of the time. You have to stick to your truth and what you want. In my article and video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” and with the communication techniques in the back my book, I talk about how to open up a woman. Focus on the three H’s: hang out, have fun and hook up. Don’t complicate things. If you’re unsure when you’re trying to seduce her, and then you start apologizing for it, she will be pissed off because you’re not centered. A woman is going to feel safe and comfortable when you’re 100% in your masculine. That makes her feel safe and comfortable to be 100% in her feminine. You want this woman back more than anything, but your fear of losing her causes you to do things that are the polar opposite of your natural, masculine essence. When you do the right thing, she’s attracted to you. When you’re willing to lose it completely and let it go forever, even if you never hear from her again, she’s all over you again. It’s a non-attachment to your outcome.)

iStock.com/Tatiana Gladskikh
iStock.com/Tatiana Gladskikh

So did this ex just come back for a one-night stand? (No, you’re still vacillating back and forth, and there’s another guy in the picture. When you’re pursuing her or saying something you shouldn’t be saying, you drive her into the other guy’s arms. She’s just looking for the strength.) She did talk a lot about how much she missed me after I walked away for good, and in the end, she just couldn’t be without me, saying I brought so much to her life and praising our unbelievable connection and sex. She basically said that we are soul mates, but after that night, she’s been cold. I know she’s sometimes legit busy, (The fact you’re talking about her being busy tells me you’re focused on not spending enough time with her. You’re still attached and trying to force it. You still haven’t let go. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. No contact means no contact forever. That means, unless she reaches out, you’re never going to speak again), but it seems like her attraction towards me isn’t good after all, even though her words told me a completely different story. (Look at her actions. Women will respond to you as a direct reflection of how you show up as a man.) So, she might be really busy and have hard times, and it’s not a good moment to see me, or the other guy is back on, and that’s why she ignores my trying to set a date when she contacts. (There’s something else going on. It’s something you’re doing, something you’re saying, a vibe that you’re giving off, being upset that you’re not spending enough time together, that it’s not happening faster and that the other guy is still in the picture. You should also be dating other women. If you’ve lost your attachment to getting her back, you should be exploring other options. But because she’s got two guys, she’s in the strongest position. She has two choices, and you have no choice.)

iStock.com/KatarzynaBialasiewicz
iStock.com/KatarzynaBialasiewicz

What do I now? (Nothing. Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To live your life and to move towards the kind of relationship you want. You invite her to hang out. If she blows you off or is non-responsive, you do nothing.) I really, really love this woman. She was my best friend and lover. It pains me that she’s not like that anymore. (That’s the problem. You’re attached to her. You have no other options. You should have other people in your life that you’re dating.) Do I confront her about the ignoring the meet up question and the dissonance between her words and her actions? (The next time you’re together, tell her that was rude, disrespectful and you didn’t appreciate it. Tell her if she keeps doing that, it’s not going to work. You have to have mutual respect. It’s best to have those kinds of conversations in person, naked in bed, rather than on the phone or through text, because it’s going to come off as being needy.) The illusion of action creeps on to me all the time. I have to do something! But maybe what I should do now is NOTHING? (Exactly. You’re not following “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you’re not following what’s in the book. You just admitted the illusion of action is a problem.) Wait to hear from her, and set the date? (Yes, you have to let her come to you. Your pursuit of this woman is over forever. The only way you’re going to get back together is if it’s her idea, because it was her idea to dump you. If you had 2 or 3 other women in your life, your vibe would be different. You would be in an abundance mentality. Right now, you’re in a scarcity mentality and in a fearful state. You’re doing things that cause you to come off as needy and desperate.) I’ve read your book now 11 times and watched your best videos multiple times, but old habits are still so badly ingrained when it comes to a woman for whom I’m head over heels. (She’s dating another guy and you don’t know if it’s going to work out with her. You’re in a much better negotiating position when you have multiple offers.) I’m hooking up with other women currently, but they’re nothing compared to this woman. I’d love to get her back for real. Any advice? She really has proved that she loses interest when my feelings are clear, but she blows my phone up when they’re unclear. (It’s pretty obvious. Your biggest problem is you’re totally emotionally anchored to the way you’ve been your whole life, and it’s a struggle.) How should I proceed knowing this? (Let go of it. You have to look at it as if she’s just another potential girlfriend, even though you already have two years with her.) I think I know already what I need to do, but it feels like I need confirmation. I don’t want to confront her, but should I communicate about this situation with her? (Again, that’s more of the illusion of action, but you will fuck things up if you confront her.)

iStock.com/kieferpix
iStock.com/kieferpix

Anyway, one thing I learned from this is: the power of walking away for good and not staying as friends. It’s VERY POWERFUL. (It’s really negotiation, because you’re saying you love and value yourself enough to say, I’m not going to hang out and be your buddy, your friend, your backup while you date somebody else. Keep dating and hanging out with your friends.) The message is a bit long, but I think this is something many people deal with when exes are coming back. Expect a donation! (I always appreciate donations.) The relationship was romantically done, but “7 Principles Of Getting An Ex Back” REALLY WORKS. (It works when you employ it consistently. You have to read the book 10-15 times. Repetition is the mother of skill. Successful repetition builds confidence. Once you master this stuff, it’s not an issue.) Bob

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“When a man is unsure of himself and not centered in his masculine essence, this will cause his woman to become unsure of her feelings and attraction for him. This is because he is vacillating back and forth between acting masculine and acting feminine, or basically acting like a man and sometimes acting like a woman. Sexual polarity between masculine and feminine energy is what creates sexual attraction. Masculine and feminine energy are polar opposites energetically. This is also true for gay and lesbian relationships. Without the maintaining of sexual polarity, there will be inconsistent sexual attraction between lovers. When a man acts like a man on a part time and inconsistent basis, his woman will only be attracted and desire him on a part time and inconsistent basis. If a man is unsure of himself and what actions to take as a man, his woman will be unsure of being with him romantically. A man does what he must despite the consequences, and lives his truth without fear or remorse.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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Published on August 29, 2016

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. hello coach Wayne, my Case is a long distance relationship which we are planning to marry she was been introduced to me by a friend things was fine until 2 months now we had an argument and I stopped sending her now she don’t pick my calls and don’t text me back

    • Cory,

      My name is Damian Jelks. Literally this morning (1:20am after I had gotten home from work), I had came across your “Proper Use Of the No Contact Rule” by accident. I saw your video, and I must say I was really impressed by your video. I had woken up this morning and I just couldn’t not get some rest, and go through out my day without emailing you my situation. So here is my situation:

      I had just recently February 7, 2017 had broken up with my ex girlfriend, after a 4 1/2 year relationship. My ex and I are the same age; which is 44 years of age. We both have no kids, and have never been married. We both had broken up( had taken a 6 month break), from one another before in the past. This time around though, we both had made a mutual decision. To be quite honest with you, it was mostly on her part. Part of me (in my mind), had disagreed with us parting ways, however, I had went along with it.

      During our conversation (on February 7, 2014), we had agreed to be friends(even though she somewhat did not agree with). We both also agreed to stay FB friends as well. After February 7, I had spoken with her (via FT), for the next 2 days, and she had told me that she can no longer FT me again, and that she only wants to text me. February 9, 2017 was the last time I had communicated with her. 3 days after our decision to stay FB friends, I had “blocked” her from FB; as well as “blocked” her from Instagram. I had also put away all of my photos of her, and locked it away in a storage.

      I was contacted by one of her nephews(Jonathan), and he had told me that she was depressed, and was playing it off to her family members that she was content with breaking up with me, and made it seem like I was chasing after her(even though I was the one that had “blocked” her).

      For the past two weeks, I have been absolutely feeling miserable and wanting the desire to go back to my ex. I have been going to therapy(and counseling), for sessions on getting over my ex(since our break up), but it seems to just not be working. I find myself not being able to get over her. My gut feeling is NOT aligned with me being without her in my life. I want her back, but now that I had “Blocked” her from FB, I find myself not knowing what to do.

      I had saw your video “Proper Use Of The No Contact Rule”, and saw that he had mentioned “Scarcity with a woman, causes your value to go up”. However, if I had “blocked” her from FB, how to I make an entrance (slowly) back into to her life?

      Her birthday 45th birthday. is coming up (April 28, 2017) was going to mail her a birthday card, to try and break the ice. Until then, what other way should I do in order to slowly come back into her life? March 9th will be one month after our break up. Should I attempt to add her back as a FB friend after March 9th.

      I don’t know how to approach this, and any advice or suggestions would be great for me. Thank you for your time, and definitely looking forward to hearing back from you.

      With Respect,

      Damian Jelks

  2. Another great video… Thanks!
    Pertinent to me right now.
    It’s simple when you surrender to the outcome.. As per your war-time analogy!

    Let go. Drop the attachment to something already gone.. Find like-minded loving/lovable dates and let the universe take care of things.. 😉

    Thanks again..
    Kev

    @Joshua
    2 months in and you’ve learned she’s not the illusionary fantasy you created. Consider yourself lucky. This sometimes takes much, much longer. She isn’t your wife.. Get some other dates lined up and find someone who values your time.

  3. Does the no contact rule work on a long time female friend? I’ve been in the friend zone with her for years and we rekindled our friendship 3.5 years ago and I really had no interest in becoming anything more due to past history with her.

    The first 3 years I had that “I don’t care” attitude of whether I’d see her or not or if she was seeing some other guy because we were just friends. She has called me her best friend, her rock, she contacts me 70% of the time. She doesn’t have any female friends (red flag) and I know that is why we talk so much, in initially proclaiming I wanted nothing from her relationship wise, I’ve become her emotional tampon, but not with her complaining about relationships, and more about her life, things that friends talk about.

    Recently I started developing some feelings for again and pings of jealousy arose as I believed she had a new interest in her life. I told a mutual friend about these feelings and he added his own words that made it sound like I was saying she was sleeping around. It caused brief chaos, her and I talked late into the night and I just told her that I have developed some feelings for her, not sure exactly what they were but if I can’t control them or my emotions I would have to back off as I didn’t want to destroy what has been a good friendship.

    She calls me the next morning to talk about things but I wasn’t in the talkative mood so she let me go. I call her later that afternoon, all is forgiven, she invites me over for pizza, a movie and later takes me out for drinks and darts, all on her. (She has never done this before). She gets all dressed up, telling me she doesn’t want to be embarrassing looking to me at the bar. She complimented me on my new facial hair and noticed I lost some weight. We had a great time together, but we are still friends.

    Do I pull away for awhile? Do I ignore her when she calls and call her a few days later? I mean I really am not sure what I want with her but what things can I do to perhaps see me more than just a friend. We talk a lot on the phone as friends, how do I go about this???

  4. Does this work on long time female friends who you talk to all the time? If I pulled away from the friendship and stopped calling her, do I also ignore her when she calls? Do I wait a few days to return her call?

  5. Hi, I have been listening to your videos, and with no disrespect intended I would like to outline my story and how what you are avocating would never work on a woman like me. First I have my pick of men and yes I agree with you the needy ones do not keep my attention. Nor do the men who expect me to do all the work ( this only works for a particular type of woman). I will give you an example of this, I’ve meet a guy and had strong feelings for him (would have developed into love) but due to his lack of contact (but always organised a date if I contacted him) has killed all interest on my side. a pity really as we had a lot going between us, high compatibility, amazing chemistry, shared fun and laughter and connection and open conversation, I thought he was all I was looking for in a man, the one fatal flaw was his inability to contact me and make me feel he took time out of his schedule to touch base with me.

  6. Hi there!

    This is Melina and I am a certified illustrator.

    I was baffled, mildly speaking, when I saw my images at your website. If you use a copyrighted image without an owner’s permission, you must know that you could be sued by the creator.

    It’s unlawful to use stolen images and it’s so low!

    Check out this document with the links to my images you used at understandingrelationships.com and my earlier publications to get the evidence of my ownership.

    Download it now and check this out for yourself:

    https://sites.google.com/view/600687345763003/drive/folders/storage/shared/download?d=9682428077319076

    If you don’t get rid of the images mentioned in the file above within the next several days, I’ll file a complaint against you to your hosting provider letting them know that my copyrights have been severely infringed and I am trying to protect my intellectual property.

    And if it doesn’t work, trust me I am going to report and sue you! And you won’t receive the second notice from me.

    • Hello Melina,

      Please be assured, we never use images illegally as it is bad business practice. We contract the usage for all of our imagery through Getty Images/iStock.com. As you can see under each image, we credit the owners for each image.

      When I hover over the link you provided, it says the URL is “Not Found.” Please contact us at corey@understandingrelationships.com with a list of the images in question, (as the link you provided does not work for us), and we will have Getty’s Legal department reach out to you with proof of our contract with them.

      Jennifer White
      The Corey Wayne Companies, Inc.

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