How to properly use the no contact rule to get your ex back or to re-attract a woman you pushed away and turned off by over-pursuing.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped and blown off by his ex-girlfriend of two years by acting like a woman, losing his center and as he puts it, by acting like a “needy lovey-dovey mangina.” In the beginning of the relationship he was doing everything right and acting like an alpha male, but slowly over time he says he became the woman in the relationship. He finally told her he was not interested in being friends and only wanted to see her romantically.
After four months of no contact, she reached out and basically told him she could not live without him. However, she has been hot and cold and sometimes ignores his attempts to set a date. She is also vacillating back and forth between him and another guy and is often confused. He asks what he can do to fully re-attract her and cause her to completely disengage from the other guy and choose him for good. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’m Bob from Canada, and I like many of your clients, found your work after my relationship went bad. I met Jessica 2 years ago when we both were 33 years old. We met online, we hooked up instantly and we connected like crazy. Everything was there, massive chemistry, passion and the best sex ever for both of us. After learning about your work, I understood how I destroyed this relationship by my woman-like behavior. In short, I was the dominant alpha in the start of the relationship. She did almost all of the initiating, and in 3 months said the I love you words first. After that, I slowly started to deteriorate into a needy, lovey-dovey mangina whose feelings were everything but unclear. This woman knocked my socks off in every way, and I loved her more than any woman ever, so of course I ended up chasing her out of my life. In the end, I initiated most of the time, and it was around 50/50 if we count all 2 years. (Any time a guy pursues a woman more than 20 or 30% of the time, it’s just simply a matter of time before he gets friend zoned, rejected or starts hearing things like, “I need space,” “I’m confused,” “I’m unsure,” or “I’m not sure where I’m able to be at this point in my life.” If you follow what I teach, in the beginning the man is supposed to pursue. Once the woman starts to feel safe and comfortable, and as her attraction grows, she will start to pursue more and more. Once she starts reaching out to you, you can back off, wait to hear from her and then make the next date. As she becomes more attracted, more interested and feels more chemistry, she’s going to want to bond and connect more, and she’ll actually facilitate that, because that aligns with her feminine essence. Feminine energy is about bonding, connecting and opening up to receive love, so what was happening here is you were basically in your feminine, calling her to bond, connect, open up to receive love and acting like a woman, and that turned her off. It is totally predictable.) While reading your book, I cringed afterwards at how I screwed up so badly and lost the love of my life. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced, (That’s the rub, because when you’re really emotionally anchored to somebody, your whole identity becomes totally associated with being with them and in a relationship. Then when she starts pulling away, you start fearing losing her. Because you’re in a fearful state, you start trying to do things, because as men, masculine energy is all about purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing and breaking through barriers, so you think you have to do something to fix it. What happened is, you became needy and insecure — basically a big mangina. Then it’s just a matter of time before you get blown off), but on the bright side, it pushed me to find your work. (What happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. You hit the wall metaphorically.)
After screwing things up by making her my life, hanging out too much and acting all needy and dopey, things weren’t the same anymore. She wasn’t in love anymore. She wanted space. I feared the final break up, and I had fucked up so badly already that it was hard to turn the tables, even though I started reading your book and watching your videos. (The other thing to consider is, you’ve lived your whole life this way. You’ve lived your whole life with a certain type of belief system that has driven your actions. Remember, people will act consistently with how they view themselves to be, whether the view is accurate or not.) I did the usual movie cringe where the guy brings a gift to his distant wife and confesses love to her, thinking that it changes her into wanting him again, just to see her shrug it off and say thanks, but I need space. (In other words, you figured buying a gift would, in essence, fix the relationship. It was a bribe for her to stay with you.) I found your work way before the final break up, so I had studied your “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” almost 10 times. I correctly stated what I wanted and walked away. She had lost attraction and didn’t want to be with me anymore. She REALLY, REALLY wanted to stay friends, but I wanted her back romantically, so I had to walk away, even though it was HARD. (It’s not easy.)
After 4 months of walking away, she came back saying she cant live without me. (Scarcity creates value.) She had an amazing attitude change. I set a date and instantly we had sex and did it the whole evening. This would never have happened if I had stayed as friends. (That’s absolutely correct.) But after that, she’s been cold. Usually, she texts the next day after our hang out, have fun, hook up evenings, but after that, nothing for few weeks. Then she sent a few pictures and something about how intense and busy her life is now. (The only reason a woman is saying that is because she’s trying to create space and distance. When somebody gets rid of you, they’re the one ending the relationship, and they have to be the one to rekindle things. You have to flip the script and look at it as, she needs to earn you back. You were the one willing to work things out, and she wasn’t. Therefore, she has to come to you.) I tried to set a date, but basically got ignored. Yeah, there is another guy in the picture, (That’s another reason for her vacillating back and forth. That’s why it’s so critically important, when you’re in a situation like this, to know the book backwards and forwards. You’re also going against your emotional conditioning, your programming and your belief systems. In other words, your beliefs are in conflict with your goals, which are obviously that you want to be with her. Plus, she’s got two years of being with you, so you’ve emotionally conditioned her to expect you to be a certain way. By pursuing her, instead of letting her do 100% of it, you just erased those 2 or 3 weeks of attraction you had built. She goes back to feeling neutral and not sexually attracted to you, and on top of this, you’ve got another other guy in the picture who she doesn’t have a long history with. But obviously he’s still not doing everything right, because she’s still vacillating and bouncing back and forth between you and him. That’s really a direct reflection of how you’re showing up. She’s testing for strength. When she senses that strength, she pursues and has more attraction for you. When she senses weakness, she withdraws and goes to the other guy to test his strength), and she said she’s unsure about him, but she still came back to me and had sex with me, even though the other guy is still in the picture. That should tell a lot. She’s unsure about him, and no matter what she said about me, she’s unsure of me too. (That’s a reflection of you. You’re unsure and not in your masculine 100% of the time. You have to stick to your truth and what you want. In my article and video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” and with the communication techniques in the back my book, I talk about how to open up a woman. Focus on the three H’s: hang out, have fun and hook up. Don’t complicate things. If you’re unsure when you’re trying to seduce her, and then you start apologizing for it, she will be pissed off because you’re not centered. A woman is going to feel safe and comfortable when you’re 100% in your masculine. That makes her feel safe and comfortable to be 100% in her feminine. You want this woman back more than anything, but your fear of losing her causes you to do things that are the polar opposite of your natural, masculine essence. When you do the right thing, she’s attracted to you. When you’re willing to lose it completely and let it go forever, even if you never hear from her again, she’s all over you again. It’s a non-attachment to your outcome.)
So did this ex just come back for a one-night stand? (No, you’re still vacillating back and forth, and there’s another guy in the picture. When you’re pursuing her or saying something you shouldn’t be saying, you drive her into the other guy’s arms. She’s just looking for the strength.) She did talk a lot about how much she missed me after I walked away for good, and in the end, she just couldn’t be without me, saying I brought so much to her life and praising our unbelievable connection and sex. She basically said that we are soul mates, but after that night, she’s been cold. I know she’s sometimes legit busy, (The fact you’re talking about her being busy tells me you’re focused on not spending enough time with her. You’re still attached and trying to force it. You still haven’t let go. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. No contact means no contact forever. That means, unless she reaches out, you’re never going to speak again), but it seems like her attraction towards me isn’t good after all, even though her words told me a completely different story. (Look at her actions. Women will respond to you as a direct reflection of how you show up as a man.) So, she might be really busy and have hard times, and it’s not a good moment to see me, or the other guy is back on, and that’s why she ignores my trying to set a date when she contacts. (There’s something else going on. It’s something you’re doing, something you’re saying, a vibe that you’re giving off, being upset that you’re not spending enough time together, that it’s not happening faster and that the other guy is still in the picture. You should also be dating other women. If you’ve lost your attachment to getting her back, you should be exploring other options. But because she’s got two guys, she’s in the strongest position. She has two choices, and you have no choice.)
What do I now? (Nothing. Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To live your life and to move towards the kind of relationship you want. You invite her to hang out. If she blows you off or is non-responsive, you do nothing.) I really, really love this woman. She was my best friend and lover. It pains me that she’s not like that anymore. (That’s the problem. You’re attached to her. You have no other options. You should have other people in your life that you’re dating.) Do I confront her about the ignoring the meet up question and the dissonance between her words and her actions? (The next time you’re together, tell her that was rude, disrespectful and you didn’t appreciate it. Tell her if she keeps doing that, it’s not going to work. You have to have mutual respect. It’s best to have those kinds of conversations in person, naked in bed, rather than on the phone or through text, because it’s going to come off as being needy.) The illusion of action creeps on to me all the time. I have to do something! But maybe what I should do now is NOTHING? (Exactly. You’re not following “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you’re not following what’s in the book. You just admitted the illusion of action is a problem.) Wait to hear from her, and set the date? (Yes, you have to let her come to you. Your pursuit of this woman is over forever. The only way you’re going to get back together is if it’s her idea, because it was her idea to dump you. If you had 2 or 3 other women in your life, your vibe would be different. You would be in an abundance mentality. Right now, you’re in a scarcity mentality and in a fearful state. You’re doing things that cause you to come off as needy and desperate.) I’ve read your book now 11 times and watched your best videos multiple times, but old habits are still so badly ingrained when it comes to a woman for whom I’m head over heels. (She’s dating another guy and you don’t know if it’s going to work out with her. You’re in a much better negotiating position when you have multiple offers.) I’m hooking up with other women currently, but they’re nothing compared to this woman. I’d love to get her back for real. Any advice? She really has proved that she loses interest when my feelings are clear, but she blows my phone up when they’re unclear. (It’s pretty obvious. Your biggest problem is you’re totally emotionally anchored to the way you’ve been your whole life, and it’s a struggle.) How should I proceed knowing this? (Let go of it. You have to look at it as if she’s just another potential girlfriend, even though you already have two years with her.) I think I know already what I need to do, but it feels like I need confirmation. I don’t want to confront her, but should I communicate about this situation with her? (Again, that’s more of the illusion of action, but you will fuck things up if you confront her.)
Anyway, one thing I learned from this is: the power of walking away for good and not staying as friends. It’s VERY POWERFUL. (It’s really negotiation, because you’re saying you love and value yourself enough to say, I’m not going to hang out and be your buddy, your friend, your backup while you date somebody else. Keep dating and hanging out with your friends.) The message is a bit long, but I think this is something many people deal with when exes are coming back. Expect a donation! (I always appreciate donations.) The relationship was romantically done, but “7 Principles Of Getting An Ex Back” REALLY WORKS. (It works when you employ it consistently. You have to read the book 10-15 times. Repetition is the mother of skill. Successful repetition builds confidence. Once you master this stuff, it’s not an issue.) Bob
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a man is unsure of himself and not centered in his masculine essence, this will cause his woman to become unsure of her feelings and attraction for him. This is because he is vacillating back and forth between acting masculine and acting feminine, or basically acting like a man and sometimes acting like a woman. Sexual polarity between masculine and feminine energy is what creates sexual attraction. Masculine and feminine energy are polar opposites energetically. This is also true for gay and lesbian relationships. Without the maintaining of sexual polarity, there will be inconsistent sexual attraction between lovers. When a man acts like a man on a part time and inconsistent basis, his woman will only be attracted and desire him on a part time and inconsistent basis. If a man is unsure of himself and what actions to take as a man, his woman will be unsure of being with him romantically. A man does what he must despite the consequences, and lives his truth without fear or remorse.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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