How to properly “pull back” while in a relationship to create, maintain or reignite attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is disabled from a catastrophic accident about twenty years ago. His cousin turned him on to my work after a bad breakup and being in a slump for six months. It took him a year, but eventually he met his dream woman and current girlfriend.
She is talking about getting engaged and living together, but he is scared that he won’t be able to pull back when they live together and she will get bored of him and lose interest. He asks how to maintain her attraction for him even when they live together. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This guy has a little bit more of a disadvantage than the average guy, because he was in a catastrophic accident about twenty years ago and it left him in a wheelchair. What’s great about him is that he hasn’t let it affect him to the point where he doesn’t participate in life, and he’s made a great life for himself.
I’ve got a podcast coming up that will be released in the members only part of my website with a buddy of mine. He got run over about five years ago. He had been drinking, he was pretty messed up, hopped on his motorcycle without a helmet and pulled out in front of a pickup truck, a Ford F-150 that was pulling a big trailer. And so, he got run over and paralyzed from the nipples down. After he recovered from that accident, he’s still the same cocky bastard that I’ve known for the last twelve, thirteen years. So, we did a podcast and had him on, and I just love his attitude. Like I said, he’s the same guy, he just can’t walk anymore.
So, what I like about this particular email is this guy has got a great attitude. He’s running into a challenge. He’s read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man. He says he’s read it twenty times, and his girlfriend now, they have been living together for years, and she’s talking about moving in together, she’s talking about getting engaged. From going through his email, I can tell he’s still a little too robotic in the way he interacts with her. And so, he’s kind of developed a crutch, if you will, to where every time she gets a little too familiar with him, he just kind of pulls back, pretends to be busy and then this reignites the attraction.
Because he’s using what he learned in the book as a technique and kind of acting like a robot, instead of being instinctual and natural, now he’s worried about “What happens when we move in together and I can’t do that? Then she’s going to lose interest.” Because this is what happened in his previous relationship. He was married, got divorced, and he’s worried about her losing attraction for him when they’re living together.
So, I thought it was a good email to go through, because obviously, if you’re going to be living with somebody, if you’re going to be in a long-term relationship, if you’re going to get married, and you’re using what you learned in How To Be A 3% Man, you’ve got to wonder how you keep that same vibe going.
The most important thing that guys have to do, because I do a lot of phone sessions with guys that are in a relationship or married, and once it’s going sideways, it’s always the same reasons. They either stop dating and courting the woman properly, or they didn’t know how to communicate with them properly. And what a lot of guys do, they get married, they move in together, they stop working out, they stop hanging out with their friends. She complains a little bit about their friends, or their hobbies or their interests, so they spend more time with her.
Then two or three years have gone by, their whole lives revolve around the woman, and the guy is no longer who she fell in love with. These guys often hear, “I don’t even know you anymore,” because they literally stopped being the guys that they were. And that’s the biggest problem. You get into a long-term relationship and you’re like, “I’ll go to the gym tomorrow. I’ll go next week. I’ll go on Monday.” And then the next thing you know, six months have gone by, and now all of your pants are tight and you’re having to get new clothes, because they don’t fit anymore. You’re like, “Eh, it’s just one belt size.” Two or three more years go by, two or three more belt size increases, and then at that point, you’re just kind of roommates, just kind of hanging out.
So, how do you avoid that? Well, discipline. You’ve got to have rituals. You’ve got to do things for you. And a lot of guys are like, “Oh, I’m going to go to the gym and work out because I want to get a girl.” And then they get the girl, they stop working out, they stop taking care of themselves. They get rid of their friends because she complained about some of their friends, so they figure, “Oh, I don’t want her to get her upset.” And two or three years have gone by, and they’re no longer the same dude.
And so, when I work with guys and I’m doing phone sessions with them that are in these situations, I get them to go back to being who they were, being the same guy they were that the woman fell in love with. You’ve got to maintain your friends. You’ve got to maintain your relationships. You’ve got to maintain your body. You’ve got to do all those little things, because the idea is you want her seeking your attention and validation. It’s like you want to be at the point where your life is so busy and full, and you have activities obviously with her, but with other people, and that you get so busy being you and living your life that sometimes she’s like, “Hey, pay attention to me. Pay more attention to me.” And that’s what you want.
And when guys get into a relationship, especially when they’re living with somebody — and it happens slowly, it doesn’t happen in a few weeks or even a few months, it usually takes many months and years — but then they get to the point where the woman becomes the leader of the household. She basically becomes the man in the relationship. And the guy is always waiting on her hand and foot, waiting for permission, waiting for her to tell them what they they want to do, coming up with where they’re going to go eat. And these things happen slowly. It’s a little bit here, a little bit there. And the next thing you know, you’re in a loveless, sexless relationship for many years. I see it all the time.
So, this is good because it helps you to understand how this happened so you can avoid it. Because otherwise, if you don’t, you just eventually live together long enough that you become roommates, platonic roommates at that. And then, eventually, you find out your girl sleeping with somebody else, or she leaves you for somebody else.
You sir have changed my life. I’m a severely disabled man from a catastrophic accident around 20 years ago. I got married to the wrong woman in my late 20s.
Lots of people have had that experience, my man.
I knew in the back of my head it probably wasn’t right.
Everybody knows. Deep down, you know. Everybody has those feelings and they just ignore them, “Ah, it’ll be fine. I’ve just got cold feet. It’ll wear off.”
We fell in love quick, got married after two years and then divorced four years later. She used and abused, blah, blah, blah, the same old not 3% man that is the nice guy story. Oh, and she cheated on me.
So, the other thing is we know that you have nice guy tendencies, because you admit that. And so, the longer you’re with the woman and you start to feel comfortable, you get complacent. These things happen slowly over many months and years, and that’s why you don’t really notice it. The next thing you know, you wake up and your wife’s cheating on you and you haven’t had sex in a year or two.
Anyway, back to praise you. I was in a slump for about six months. My cousin turned me on to your book and the rest is history. I would listen to that thing over and over when driving. Still to this day, I plug it in probably once a month and listen to a section. I always pick up on something new. I’ve probably been all the way through the book about 20+ times.
I was single and mingling for about a year. Going on dates two to three times a week and I was getting decent at dating and being a 3% man. I had a few I was really into but fucked things up with, but every relationship or dating experience was a time to grow. I was able to look back and see where I fucked up and remind myself to not do that shit again.
Yeah, you experienced pain, and pain is life’s way of letting you know that you’re not doing it right, or the way you’re approaching it is not optimal.
Then I met a complete babe that checked off almost every box. Game on. I definitely have had the “why did you say that” points in the relationship but always work shit out.
It’s going to happen. You’re going to say something that hurts her feelings and you’re going to have to be able to make sure that she feels heard and understood. There’s a video I did years ago called, “How to Communicate with Women Effectively.” And obviously, I also wrote about it in the book.
We have been together for a year. Happiest I have ever been and we are crazy about each other, except for about a week after her period every month. On these five days or so, there’s a drop. I believe it’s due to her cycle. I usually don’t really care one month then the second I pull back and it completely makes things fire back up in intensity.My question is this. When we get married (she’s giving me the signs) and live together, how will I pull back to reignite things?
Well, you’re not supposed to do it as a technique, and that’s part of the problem. It’s just supposed to be a natural thing. And what that tells me is you’re not busy enough. You’re still making this woman too much the center of your life. You’re still seeking her attention and validation, instead of the other way around. And if you set your life up properly as a man, you’re busy to the point where she sometimes feels like you’re not paying enough attention to her, and that’s what you want. You want her to be like, “Oh, all you do is spend time at the gym with your friends, and you don’t spend enough time with me.” You’re like, “Oh, I’m sorry, baby. You know what? I’m going to get dinner tonight.” So, that’s what you want.
You want that kind of a vibe where you’re just busy, you’ve got things happening. It’s not that you’re ignoring her on purpose. It’s just you’re totally focused on your purpose and your mission in life. That’s got to be the most important thing. Because what you’re doing right now is you’re pretending to be busy, and then it has a positive effect on her attraction. Well, when you’re living together, you have to really be busy doing something.
And so, there’s some part of your life that is not optimized. Maybe you need to work harder. Maybe you need to spend more time with friends and family. Maybe you need to go out with the boys and have some beers one night a week, or whatever it happens to be. You have to be busy living your life to the point where you’re not hovering over every single thing that your girl is doing. And that’s part of your problem is you’re completely focused on her, “Does she like me? Is she still really into me, or not?” instead of being an independent man running your own life, who’s sharing his completeness with his hopefully complete woman.
Right now, I just don’t go over to her house or go on a spontaneous trip or say I’m busy next week with work. When we don’t see each other, it reignites that fire. When we live together, I won’t be able to just not see her for a five-day period. How do I keep that “want to tear each other’s clothes off, never fighting, always having fun, can’t get enough of each other” fire alive when living with her?
You still want to be busy. Right now, you’re faking it. You’re faking being busy. And what you really need to do is look at your life. Maybe pick up “Mastering Yourself,” my second book, and read that because there’s obviously some part of your life where you’ve got too much time in your hands. Maybe you’re neglecting your family. Maybe you need to go see your parents, your mom or your dad. Go spend time with them, or reconnect with some friends you haven’t talked to in a while. That’s the important thing, because right now you’re presenting a false image to your girl, and it’s not really who you are.
And you’re right to recognize that when you move in together, she’s going to learn pretty quickly that you’re not as busy as you claimed or pretended to be. So, what’s missing from your life? What are you not doing that you could be doing? It could be something simple, like when you’re living together, just having to leave the house early in the morning because you’ve got appointments. You’ve got to get to the office, or you’ve got to drive all the way across town to meet a client, whatever it happens to be. You have to be busy living your life as a man, and you can’t create the impression that you’re a really busy guy when you’re not. Because then, she’s going to find out when you live together, and then you’re going to be there all the time.
Again, if you go back to these older movies sixty, seventy years ago, the men are always busy as fuck. They’ve always got tons of irons in the fire. And I use this analogy a lot, the “It’s a Wonderful Life” movie. George Bailey, he’s got so many things going on. His dad’s passed away, so now he’s running the family business. Everybody in town wants some of his time. They’re trying to get his attention and validation. They need something from him, typically they need money or they need advice. He knows everybody, and he is busy as hell.
And Donna Reed’s character, the whole movie, is trying to get his attention and validation. And eventually, he’s enchanted with her beauty and her looks, and then they live happily ever after. But the point being, he’s a man about town. He’s got tons of things going on. Not only is he running the business, but he’s going to meetings. He’s got “old man Potter,” who’s always trying to put him and his family business out of business, so he can run everything in the town. And so, there’s lots of things going on. He’s got big goals, he’s got big dreams.
Obviously, if you throw kids in the mix, you’ve got to take care of your kids. You’ve got to take them to school, you’ve got activities. Your life can be filled up with doing things independent of each other. And so, when you do get together and you do see each other, then you can really spend some good, quality time together. So looking at your email, it just tells me that you’re not focused on your mission and purpose as much as you could be. Therefore, you need to circle back to that and get back into that, really get into what it is that you do.
Are you spending time with your friends and your family? Have you let some of those relationships go? A lot of guys do that. They get into a relationship and they’re happy with their girlfriend, and they blow off all their friends and family and hardly ever see them. And then as the years roll by, those friendships just start to die and wilt, because it’s like a garden. You’ve got to water it, you’ve got to give it fertilizer, you’ve got to give it the proper sunlight. It’s just like a child. If a child doesn’t get attention from his parents, he’s going to misbehave. And it’s the same thing with your friendships. If you don’t spend time with people that you care about, eventually those relationships die.
When you look at me now, I’m fifty-one. And I look at all the people that I hung out with when I was in my early twenties, where are those people now? Only a handful of them are still in my life, and most of them have faded away. The good friends really stick around and really make the effort. But when you have good friends and you just don’t make the effort, the decades roll by, and the next thing you know, you’ve lost touch. And then you’ve got nothing going on in your life.
I use pullback as a tool now. I plan hot awesome dates, I lead interactions into the bedroom, keep the 70/30 rule, let her chase me, work my butt off in real estate. Man, that shit I do well, but it scares me to not have that pull-back tool to reignite things.
You’ve got to have a busy life, dude. There’s other things you could be doing, because right now you’re you’re presenting a fake image to her that’s not really real. So, what more could you give to your purpose and your mission in life, or to your friends, or to your family, or to your hobbies or the things that you do for fun? You have to have a really full life.
I never want to go back to the, oh we just kind of like each other, live together, have sex sometimes, no passion lifestyle my old relationship was.
Well, that’s part of being a well rounded man and having all areas of your life banging on all cylinders, because you’re putting in the effort and the time on them. So, you’ve obviously got way too much time in your hands, dude. So you’ve got to ask yourself, “What am I not doing that I could be doing? How can I be focused more on growing my business, enriching my friendships with the people that I care about, doing fun things for hobbies, and leisure time with other people besides your girlfriend?”
I’m not saying you should ignore her or exclude her. You just want to have such a busy, full life to the point where she’s trying to get your attention and your validation more, so you can include her more in your plans and more in your life. But if you’re just sitting at home acting like you’re busy when you’re not, you need to re-examine your life.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Men are supposed to be strong, fit, confident and certain of what they want to create for their personal and professional lives. The most attractive and desirable men have a purpose and mission that fills them with joy, passion and fun. Women are a great compliment to men who have their lives together, know what they want and why they want it. This causes women to feel safe and comfortable enough to follow their lead, submit to them and be their greatest cheerleaders, advocates and fans.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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