Why it’s not a good idea to punish your lover if they reject your romantic advances by ignoring them or holding back when they don’t do what you expect or react the way you think they should.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been having some problems exercising emotional self control with a woman he has been dating for about three months. He says that everything seemed to be going well up until recently. She was doing 90% of the chasing and was always happy to hear from him. The last time they were together, he says she was testing him a lot. He became annoyed by this, but ignored the way she was behaving and just continued to be sweet to her. This caused her to test him even more.
He became frustrated and left without them hooking up like they usually did. She texted him a few days later. He punished her by taking two days to respond; she ignored his text. Eleven days later, he texted her again and asked her when she was free to get together. She told him that she was not free and did not think she would be. She basically blew him off for good. He asks my opinion.
I’d just like to say that I love your work, and it’s changed my outlook and approach on dating. I started following your work in December 2014, because I was trying to get a girl back. I’ve since walked away from that girl, and I’m finding myself in a pickle.
I’ve been dating a few new girls lately, and this one girl in particular, who I met in January. She has been doing 90% of the chasing, and was always happy to hear from me. (At this point, she should be doing 100% of the texting and pursuing.) The last time I saw her, she was testing me a lot, and I didn’t respond in the loving joking way I should have. I acted mildly annoyed, brushed it off and was extra sweet to her, because she was always showing me affection and being sweet to me in the past. (But she could sense you were annoyed. When they can sense that, they will test you, because they see weakness.) That caused her to test me even more. Every time we hang out, she rips my clothes off, is wanting sex and desiring me. This time, I was giving her a massage, and she tested me again. It annoyed me, so I rolled over, and starting watching TV. I tried to initiate kissing, and she told me I was annoying her. I was kind of pissed, and we didn’t hook up. (You totally came unglued.) Anyway, she texted me a few days later, and I took two days to reply to her message. (That’s not cool. You’re punishing her.) It’s been eleven days since, and she hasn’t replied.
I showed no self-control, was fearful and impatient. I texted her, and asked her when she was free to get together. Her response was, “I don’t think I will be, actually. Sorry.” I told her no worries, wished her a good week, and to get back to me when she is free. Needless to say, I’m going to read your book a few more times and need to follow it! I’m kicking myself. (That’s a painful lesson, but there were probably other things you were doing wrong.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Sometimes, when things are going really well in a relationship, women will screw things up and mess with a guy just to make things interesting, test his strength and see how he handles himself. If the man is centered and has emotional self-control, he will not be diminished by her testing and will be his usual playful and charming self. However, if he gets upset, annoyed, comes unglued and allows her testing to diminish and un-center him, she will back away and test him more as she no longer trusts his masculine core. That is why it is essential for men to have a strong sense of self, a purpose and a mission they are pursuing with a passion and fearlessness in life, and never be seeking anyone’s approval. Women test when they sense weakness. When a man is focused on giving instead of needing, he will easily pass a woman’s tests of his strength.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne