How to properly re-attract an ex using the no contact rule.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy who started dating a woman who he has been a friend with for over ten years about six months ago. About a month ago she broke it off and told him she wanted to be friends only. He agreed at first, but now when she contacts him, he doesn’t know what to do or how to respond to her messages. He asks my opinion.
The second email is a success story from a guy who has been following my work for about two years. He shares how easy and effortless it has been since he met his dream woman a few months ago. These are two good contrast emails that show the right way and the wrong way to properly attract women you want to date. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Wayne,
I have been binge watching your videos about re-attracting an ex and relationships in general. Very helpful and appreciated! I hope it’s okay that I emailed you in this case and hope you can give me advice regarding this.
My ex and I have been friends for 10 years. After 6 or so years of mutual attraction, we finally started a romantic relationship about 6 months ago.
So he doesn’t really get into detail as the context, but for a decade they’ve been friends. Maybe they were in relationships with other people. But the point being is, if your interest is sex and romance, then that’s the only way you’re going to interact with that other person. If you want to be in friend-zone, are cool with being friends or want to give the vibe that you want to be friends, you’re going to give off a platonic vibe.
If you were dating somebody and you were having sex and romance — and most of the people who come to me get friend-zoned and it’s not what they wanted — it’s typically because the behavior changes or they started doing things that made themselves less attractive. As the woman lost attraction, she felt there was no chemistry, at the end of the day women care about their feelings towards you.
Your logic, your reason, your pedigree, your bank account, how good looking you are, what an awesome guy you are, how much you do things for other people, how much you care about her — none of that shit matters. The only thing that matters is how you make her feel about you. That is the important thing.
So obviously, he admits for six of the past ten years there was some kind of a romantic attraction for one another. But for whatever reason, they didn’t act upon it. So, if I’m a betting man, more than likely he was into her this whole period of time, and for whatever reason she wasn’t available. And they started dating, he probably smothered her a bit too much, and he started acting different than the way he had been acting when she became attracted.
What us guys all typically do, and if you’ve read my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” this is what I used to do, because you see it in movies and you see it on TV all the time. And if you don’t have anybody at home, a grandfather, a dad, an uncle or a strong male influence to teach you how to be a man and what attracts women, if all you see is movies and TV, you’re going to think you’ve got to be extra nice to the person that you like, and therefore they’ll like you more.
What typically happens in these cases, like when I was young, in my twenties, and I started to think “now I’ve got a chance with this girl,” I became extra nice, extra compliant, didn’t want to upset her, wanted her to know what a great guy I was, and then there was never any kind of a spark. I was doing all the things the movies say to do, and I was getting stuck in friendzone and I didn’t understand why at the time.
As I detail in my book, I changed my behavior. Instead of being a guy that had opinions and stuck to them, I started putting my whole life on hold to try to accommodate making it easier for this woman to be in my life. And the reality is, if somebody likes, values and appreciates you, they’re going to take a mutual interest.
If you grow up in a healthy, happy family, you know what that feels like. You know what that looks like. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family like mine was, your perceptions of these things are going to be fucked up. You’re not going to know what feels right. So if somebody’s mistreating you or ignoring you, that’s probably going to feel kind of natural and normal to you.
Whereas, if you grow up in a happy, healthy family, it just means that they don’t like you. And because you have a happy, health self-esteem and you feel good about yourself, you’re cool with letting that person go. You want someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.
If you were treated negatively, maybe you were ignored, you didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, you didn’t get any hugs, you didn’t get any “I love yous,” not getting what you want and not feeling loved feels normal. So when you grow up and become an adult, and you start interacting with other people, adults that ignore you and treat you like they don’t care, much like the people that you were raised by, that feels normal.
So you’re triggering attraction in yourself to people you shouldn’t really be attracted to, because they don’t deserve it and they’re not reciprocating properly. If you didn’t learn these things in childhood, like I didn’t, you have to learn them as you get older and change your approach.
She lives about an hour away and we only saw each other once a week, sometimes a couple of times a month. She broke up with me about a month ago and wanted to remain friends.
So here’s her excuse, which sounds nice, but you’ve got to remember women don’t want to hurt your feelings. They just hope that you’ll figure it out. But the reality is, her attraction is gone, so she gives this excuse. Which sounds logical, it sounds reasonable, but it’s really bullshit.
She said she had to get her life together with her new job and living situation and that she lost feelings for me.
So she gives a couple of things that sound normal, but the reality is that she lost feelings for you. In other words, she lost attraction. She thinks you’re a great guy, she has known you for ten years and you should be perfect together, but she’s not feeling it. There’s no spark. Here’s where you screwed up:
I told her I would be friends with her, but I have ceased initiating contact with her.
In that particular case, she’s trying to unilaterally change the terms of your relationship. And if you’re going through “How To Be A 3% Man,” the light bulb should be going off in your head, and you should be able to start to see what you were doing wrong and what was causing her to get turned off — from being attracted to you to wanting to stick you back in friendzone.
If you’re interested in sex and romance, you never agree to something platonic. You’re sending me this email, so I already know that you saying “Sure, friendship is great with me” — that’s a lie. You lied to yourself, and you lied to her. And from her perspective, she probably thinks “okay, he accepted friendship. He must be cool with it.” Obviously, you’re not or you wouldn’t have written me an email in the first place.
You did the right thing by initiating. If somebody says “hey, let’s just be friends only,” and you continue to call and text them, that means you accepted friendship, and you’re cool with things the way they are. So from a negotiation perspective, if somebody offers you a price, you don’t like the price and you say, “I’m walking away,” you don’t pick up the phone and call them a few hours later and bitch about the price. You just realize the negotiation’s over.
Maybe at some point they’ll become flexible, but the reality is I’ve got a certain amount of money set aside for whatever it is I’m trying to buy, and I’ve got to find somebody who’s got terms that are more to my liking, and you go seek to make another deal. You don’t go back to the deal where you reach an impasse basically.
When you’ve got a woman trying to stick you in friendzone, and you don’t want to go back to being platonic friends for the next decade of your life, you’re going to have to be honest with yourself and her. You’re going to say, “I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but going back to being just platonic friends? I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that. I like what we shared, and I understand you’ve got to get your life together and all those things. Why don’t you go do that, and then when you feel ready and you want to see me again in a romantic setting, get back in touch. And if I’m still available, maybe we can go out on a date.” You leave it at that, and you walk away completely.
Just like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you assume that a few months later when she reaches out, she’s missing you and she probably wants to see you, so you’re going to make a date at your place to make dinner together. You want her to come to you, because if she unilaterally ended the relationship, she’s got to be the one to fix it. Therefore, she has to come to you. For at least three dates, you’re not going to meet her out or pick her up.
You’re definitely not going to do lunch, because that’s a platonic friendship thing. If you’re interested in sex and romance, only do things where sex and romance are possible. And as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” your job is simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up.
Leave the relationship stuff to the woman, which is probably not something you’re doing. You’re probably thinking, “Hey, we’ve known each other for ten years. She’s gonna be my girlfriend. We should stay together.”
However, she still likes or loves my posts on Facebook and consistently contacts me on Facebook every 2 to 4 days with minor insignificant things like memes or links to things she thinks I could use for work, etc. Basically not really communicating anything with substance. She also adds new music to our mutual Spotify playlist every week or so. (I quit contributing to it since the breakup.)
What should I do?
I would be doing nothing.
Should I respond to her Facebook messages and memes? Should I ignore those until she actually says something with substance?
Maybe once a week you can go in there and if one of them is funny, like it and that’s it. I’m assuming when you guys were dating she was probably texting or calling you, and now she’s limiting it to Facebook. So what typically happens in these situations, and what was also going on with a client of mine is, he gets messages from her through social media. He’s like, “Do I respond to these or not?” I was like, if she was calling and texting you when you were dating and hooking up, I would wait until she gets back in touch with you and addresses you directly, not when she’s acting like a fan on your social media. So it really depends on what the context of direct messages are.
“Hey how have you been? What have you been up to?” — with those kinds of things, typically what she’s trying to do is find out where you’re at. Maybe the attraction is starting to creep back up on her because you kind of disappeared from her life again. Remember, scarcity creates value, and if you were coming on too strong and making her feel smothered, then all of a sudden when you’re distant, those feelings of attraction start to come back. In other words, she starts to feel something for you. And when she feels something for you, she’s going to kind of put her finger in the water.
That’s typically what you see with these Facebook comments and posts. As you’re kind of indifferent to that and you don’t give her anywhere to go with it, if you’re busy dating other women, you’re not going to really want to interact with a woman who has stuck you in friendzone. You’re bored with that. Go on there once a week, and if you see one that’s funny like it, but I wouldn’t write her back.
She’s going to notice that something’s different. You’re not really participating and communicating. What that typically does is it forces her to become even bolder, and that’s when you get the text and the phone call. And that’s what you’re looking for. That’s the purpose of the no contact.
No contact is just disappearing, and then if she starts contacting you directly, assume she wants to see you and try to make a date at your place to make dinner together. If she won’t come over or tries to get you to meet her for coffee or lunch, you’re going to turn those requests down. Again, I address how to handle those rejections in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
The idea is, if she’s messaging and texting you, you’re going to assume she wants to see you, make a date, and turn down any requests for anything that can be platonic like lunches, meeting for coffee or going to her place. She’s got to come to you. She’s got to earn you back, not the other way around.
Should I tell her to forget about our 10 year friendship and get lost?
I wouldn’t do that. That’s just kind of butt-hurt and needing to resolve something right now. Remember, women take time for their feelings to develop, and you getting butt-hurt and saying “fuck you, I don’t want to ever hear from you again,” that’s not going to help you get what you want. Again, if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have written me an email, so obviously you’re not interested in telling her to get lost. What you really want is for her to come back over and start sleeping with you again.
She is a good person and I really care for her, but it pains me to still be so close, yet so emotionally far away from her.
Thank you for all your help.
Well, like I said, stop all the friendship stuff. As a man, if this was a girl you had just met and wanted to date, you’d be using the phone to set dates and that would be it. If you don’t want to set dates, you don’t have time to participate in BS. So, if you handle the social media stuff that way — I like that you’re not adding to your Spotify playlist — she’s going to see that. She’s going to notice that.
Like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And you’ve done that for the most part. The only thing I would change is just the Facebook messages and memes. Maybe just go on there once a week, and if she says “Hey, what took you so long to respond?” just say, “Oh, I’ve been really busy, I’ve been dating a lot, and just haven’t had time for social media. If you’ve got something important to say, just call me or text me,” and leave it at that.
Just keep doing the same thing. Even if you start dating and hooking up again, don’t go back to dropping what you’re doing to respond to social media messages.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I just want to express to you how much you’ve helped me by sharing my story. I know you enjoy success stories, and I hope you will share it with your audience as well for some inspiration.
I’ve been following your work for about 2 years, in which in the first year I’ve read your book about 13 times and supplemented with videos nonstop. I felt I have to master the stuff you teach, because I saw it works, and it got me to a beautiful place of inner peace both with women and myself.
Well, like I say all the time, even if you think I’m full of shit, if you just apply the things that I teach in “How To Be A 3% Man” and my second book “Mastering Yourself,” you’ll see that it works. That’s the beauty of it. I don’t have to be a salesman. I don’t have to justify anything. If you just apply it, you’ll see that this stuff works for you. It’s going to work way better than what you were doing on your own.
I learned how to not only handle women and own my masculinity, but also how to connect with women on an intimate, emotional level, something that helped me both in my relationships and with my clients. (I’m also a coach by the way.)
To make a long story short… I was single for the past 2 years. Have been dating, and having some fun with ladies, but none of them struck me a huge catch.
Well, I have found — because I’ve been a professional unicorn hunter off and on over my life — that you get about two to three of these a decade, depending on how long you stay together and that kind of thing. So it behooves you to get prepared for the unicorn, because when they come along and you screw those up, it really fucking sucks because you know you’re probably not going to see another one that knocks your socks off and that you jive with that well for probably another three to five years on average.
The ones who did but weren’t interested in me as much, I simply let go of, which helped me in not wasting my energy on women, and in turn use it to invest in my own self-development, personal and business wise. I’ve grown my business and learned to love myself in all ways and situations.
That’s what I was talking about earlier in the video. He’s looking and he’s seeing how much is reciprocated from the other person, and when it’s not sufficient, he’s out. But again, if you grew up in a family like mine, that feels normal to you. What do you do? You keep pursuing somebody that’s really not making much of an effort, which can cause you to waste a shit-ton of time on people you’ve got no chance with, no chemistry with and aren’t compatible with anyway.
You want somebody who’s like, “Fuck yeah, I’d love to see you. I’d love to go out with you. I’d love to spend time with you. That would be wonderful. It’d be great to go to dinner.” People who just can’t seem to make the time, “Oh, my schedule’s just so busy,” fuck you. They’re not interested. Let them go and search until you find somebody who’s excited. Everybody else can pound sand.
About 2 months ago, I met a girl that was 100% all the qualities in my list. When I made the move, I knew exactly what to say and what to do, how to read her attraction level, (which was about a 7 to begin with), and how to pivot the interaction to a way that will keep it somewhat mysterious as well as promote interest.
Less is more. But this is what happens. You spent two years practicing being able to tell when a woman was into you and when one wasn’t, and when you found one who really was — where you really liked her and she really liked you — because you had practiced, you were ready for it.
Man, this girl is amazing. Not only is she smoking hot, she’s an amazing communicator, intelligent, sassy, funny, sexy – the total package.
First night we met, I escorted her to the train station, and she couldn’t help it – she had to kiss me.
Of course. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. If you look at the older movies from the 40s, 50s, 60s, that’s typically what you see, the woman coming on to the man and kissing the man. And he kisses her back, knowing all along she was going to kiss him.
She showed all the signs and I was seriously loving it, because I felt the same way.
I didn’t let it throw me off my center though, and when she tested me a little bit, I stood my ground, made sure to explain to her that I have my mission in mind, and even though I appreciate her and want to see her, I have priorities.
Women, no matter how much they like you, are going to test you to see if they can jerk you around. That’s why you’ve got to be firm and say no sometimes when you really don’t want to do something.
She wasn’t happy with it in the beginning, and bluffed to test by telling ‘em she doesn’t know if that’s something she needs in her life – but I knew it’s all good.
Another way women test you is they feign as if they’re really not happy with your behavior. But if you’re congruent with what you say, what you mean and what you feel, even if she protests, you’re like, this is what I am, this is what I have to do, these are my responsibilities. And she will respect you because you stood up to her, versus being a pleaser and changing your schedule or your opinion to match hers, which is totally beta male.
She’ll lose respect for you if you have no respect for yourself and you’re not even convinced of your own opinions. That’s not attractive. She wants a man she can respect, learn from, look up to and admire who’s consistent. He says what he means and he means what he says.
The same day, she called me and said she’s cool with that, and later she even stated she respects me a lot for it, and that it actually turns her on that I’m focusing on my purpose.
Anyway, she’s my girlfriend now for the past month, and things are amazing. We are communicating, and when she is upset I know how to handle it and open her up to talk to me, just like you explain it. And it fkin works man, it’s amazing. Every time she’s upset, I open her up and talk to her, and she feels more and more close to me every time this happens, (not that it happens too often). She tells me that as well.
Anyway man, you’re amazing coach. Thanks to you, I’ve met the girl of my dreams, and it was the easiest thing ever.
This is all about effortless, ease and delight. No drama. Just like Rumi said, “Take time like the river that never grows stale. Keep going and steady. No hurry, no rush.” Move like a turtle. Move at your own pace. You’re going to do what you want, when you want and with whom you want at your own pace.
“If you value yourself and what you bring to your relationships, you won’t allow people to mistreat you or take you for granted. You’ll only invest your time and energy into people who show they care through their actions by reciprocating interest. Only give your attention and energy to people who value and appreciate it and remove your attention from those who don’t. Those who care will notice your absence and increase their efforts to make you feel wanted. Those who don’t will let you disappear forever. That will tell you everything you need to know.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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