How to know if your breakup is real and it’s really over, or if it’s a fake breakup and you can still salvage your relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend of one year recently broke up with him. He admits the breakup was his fault, due to his not reaching out enough, being too much of a cold fish, getting too complacent and not being in his masculine center. He’s still in regular contact with his ex-girlfriend and recently went to the movies with her. When he tried to kiss her later in the evening, she gave him the cheek and told him she wasn’t interested in him romantically anymore, but didn’t want to lose him.
She also told him she wants him to prove that he is serious about being in a relationship with her. He wants to know if this is a real breakup or a fake breakup and what he should do now. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
My name is Bob, (age 30). I’ve been following your awesome work for some time now and have recently gone through a breakup with my girlfriend, (age 31), of 1 year. I was initially the cause of the separation, due to not reaching out enough, being too much of a cold fish, getting too complacent, and not being in my masculine, alpha center.
She decided to call things off after I returned home from a 2-week vacation in Canada. She plead her case for why she wasn’t feeling it anymore and stated she had emotionally checked out.
(In other words, “I’m just not attracted to you anymore.” If you look at the things you were doing, obviously you got too complacent. You stopped dating and courting her properly, and you weren’t in your masculine which forces her to be in her masculine energy. When you force her into her masculine because you’re acting too feminine, the sexual polarity just evaporates instantly.
Intellectually she may think, “Hey this is a great guy, but I’m not feeling it.” Remember, women are much more connected and in tune with their emotions than guys are. So in order to get her to feel more attracted, you’ve got to be in your masculine so she feels safe and comfortable being in her feminine. And obviously, this went on for an extended period of time where she just lost all attraction.)
However, she says she doesn’t want to lose me completely and we can still be friends and hang out from time to time.
(Women typically put the guy in friendzone as a backup plan while she looks around for a guy that makes her feel something. The way you were behaving, she was no longer feeling it, because you weren’t exhibiting enough masculine and alpha strength traits.)
I gracefully declined her offer, stating that I wasn’t interested in being friends, her male girlfriend, or emotional tampon. She respected my point of view,
(Well, you’re assuming she respected it, but women are going to test your strength, especially if you’ve been displaying lots of weakness. And if you say you’re not interested in being friends, her male girlfriend or emotional tampon, in a way, you’re daring her to test you),
but made it clear she wasn’t invested in me or us rekindling anything anytime soon,
(I talk about this in my book, “How To Be A 3% Man.” That applies in that moment, just like when she said “I love you” six months ago, it doesn’t apply right now. You have to look at what she’s feeling right now. What she’s saying right now is, she ain’t feeling it. In her mind she thinks it’s not going to happen anytime soon, because once the feelings are gone, they’re gone),
and that if it’s meant to be, we’ll reconvene down the line. I’ve since gone no contact and began dating other women after a movie outing we went on a week after the breakup.
(As I teach in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” she’s the one who unilaterally ended the relationship, therefore she needs to be the one to earn another chance with you. You don’t go to her, you don’t pick her up and you don’t meet her out.
She has to come to your place. The only distance you should be willing to travel to see her is the distance it takes to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in. Your job as a man, as I talk about in the book, is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun and hook up.
Now you’re meeting her out, picking her up and taking her to a movie. You said you weren’t interested in hanging out with her as friends, yet a week later you’re hanging out with her hoping things are going to change. It’s a complete mindset you’ve got to change. In other words, you’re the prize. You’re the gift. She’s the one who foolishly dumped you, and therefore she needs time and space away from you to wonder and think about you.
The only way you’re really going to own a woman’s heart is, she has to know if she pushes you too far, you’re going to walk and never look back. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.)
The date itself served neither of us any justice. I was there to make things right, whereas she was just tolerating my presence.
(Really? She stuck you in friendzone and you said you weren’t interested, so you’re going there with the mindset of “I’ve got to make things right. I’ve got to fix this.” Well, you told her you’re only basically interested in something romantic, so in a way, your mind says “Let me go grovel, beg and plead my case, and hopefully she’ll give me another chance.” That’s a completely different mindset. When you go to her like that, it’s a weak position negotiation-wise. It prevents you from setting the tone. You need to walk away from friendship, but you going to her and going to a movie is basically you acquiescing her demands.)
We got into a discussion about “where do we go from here?” after she declined my kiss.
(Instead of being the leader, you’re being a follower, and that’s the problem. She wants to follow you, whether she realizes it or not. She doesn’t want control. She wants you to be the man. You basically said, “Tell me what to do.” That’s weak.)
She once again stated what she made clear the week and vice versa.
(In other words, “I’m just interested in friendship. Maybe someday in the future we’ll get back together.” Fuck that noise.)
Interesting enough, she wants me show her that I’m serious about being in a relationship with her,
(Well, you’re never going to get to a relationship if she’s giving you the cheek. Every bit of her interaction with you is communicating friendship, and you’re sitting there hoping to change her mind because you met her on her terms instead of her coming to you on your terms. I highly recommend you read Donald Trump’s book, “The Art of the Deal,” because he is the master of negotiation, and you can learn a lot from him),
but declines any action that could be taken to rekindle things.
(That’s why she needs to come back to you. Like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” she should come to your place for three dates in a row, and you hang out, you have fun and you hook up all three times, then you can start picking her up and taking her out.
She’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from that point forward, because what you’re communicating with these actions is you’d love to see her and hang out with her, but you’re not interested in friendship. You basically caved. You were weak. In other words, she sold you on why you should stay in the friendzone, instead of you selling her on why she should be coming over and convincing you why you should give her another chance. You won’t say that to her, but your actions will communicate that. And all your actions have done is continue to communicate weakness. In other words, she doesn’t really believe you mean the things you say.
You’re asking her to be the leader, but a man knows what to do. He knows what he wants, and he goes after it. He extends an invitation, and she can accept it or decline it. In this case, she’s declined it, and therefore you should have declined her counter offer.)
At this point, should I continue no contact or break the ice and take the risk of not getting her back at all?
(You’ve already said friendship’s off the table. You should tell her you’re not interested in being her friend, and be very clear about it. She either goes along with what you want or not. That’s the rub. You risk losing her forever, but remember, the strongest negotiating position is being walk away and mean it.
She’s got to earn another chance with you. And in the meantime, you’re taking any and all offers with other women because you want somebody to have a great relationship with. She basically pulled the plug on what you had and tried to stick you in friendzone, and you’re saying, “Nope. It’s either romance or it’s been great. Nice knowing you.” You’ve got to be strong enough to get what you want, and she’s testing you. She wants to see if you’re man enough to stand up for yourself and walk away forever when she’s trying to offer you friendship.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women are naturally wired to be more emotionally intuitive and more connected to their feelings and emotions than men. This is essential to being great mothers and nurturers. Men are naturally wired to be more stoic and less connected to their emotions and feelings. This is essential to high achievement, taking risks, being in combat and doing things that are dangerous. This doesn’t mean that men and women can’t do the same jobs or tasks; it simply means that men and women are naturally better at doing different things that are essential to the family, society and procreation. The differences between men and women complement each other and make them stronger as a team than they are as individuals. A man who is too feminine and unsure of himself makes a woman feel unsafe and uncomfortable in her feminine essence, which forces her to be more in her masculine essence, while a man who is centered in his masculine essence makes a woman feel safe and comfortable relaxing into her feminine essence.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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