A relationship reality check, should you stay together or breakup?
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy who started following my work about six years ago after he came home from work and found his then wife, the woman of his dreams, in bed with another man. That led to a fight and a series of negative consequences that he’s still dealing with in his career to this day. Needless to say, his marriage didn’t last. He shares how my work radically changed his life for the better. However, recently he ran into his ex-wife again, and they started seeing each other. One thing led to another. She wants more, he’s hesitant for obvious reasons, but she’s so hot, he’s considering giving her another chance.
The second email is a follow-up email from the woman whose email I discussed in my newsletter, “Why Women Lose Interest.” She gives an update after she asked her friends with benefits guy to be exclusive. His response left her confused. She asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
Dear Coach Wayne,
It must first be said that you sir have changed my life. Six years ago, my life was headed down the shitter, and then I found your work. I don’t want to make this email too long, but I hope you will read this message, as my story is one hell of a doozy.
First off, I’m a forty five year old man with my occupation being that of a Major in the United States Army specializing in weapons systems on various fighter aircraft. Six years ago, I was married to the woman of my dreams and working in a career field that I loved, that is until everything came crashing down.
One day I came home only to find my wife in bed with another man. As you can imagine I flew into an absolute rage and a vicious fight broke out between myself and the other guy. The fight spilled into the garage, and my wife called the police. Before too long I got the upper hand, and in my anger cracked the other guy in his midsection with a stray two by four.
Unbeknownst to me, I fractured several of his ribs, which resulted in one of his lungs being punctured. Before I could do any more damage, the police arrived and tackled me, while the other guy was rushed to a hospital. The guy eventually recovered, but suffers from several medical side effects due to our fight. I’m not real proud of this, but my anger at the time just took me over. Amazingly he didn’t press charges, he apologized and told me that he deserved what he got.
At least he was fucking man enough to take ownership of the fact that he was banging your wife, and he deserved it.
After the dust settled, the Army took reprimanding action, and I was demoted back down to First Lieutenant and even did a two-month stint in USDB near Leavenworth. After I got out of military jail, my wife hits me with divorce proceedings. Honestly, I genuinely contemplated suicide, as this was the darkest period in my life.
Everything passes eventually, the good times and especially the bad times. Eventually, time just passes. No matter where you are in life, if you’re in a shitty place right now, time is going to pass, and it will get better. No matter how great things are in your life right now, those things will end too. Everything in life is temporary. It’s so fucking fleeting.
That’s when I found Coach Corey Wayne. I watched a few of your videos and immediately downloaded “How To Be A 3% Man.” It opened my eyes and caused so many light bulb moments, I’m sure the next city over must’ve suffered a blackout. I came to realize that I was enabling my wife’s behavior with my weak, beta male tendencies, resulting in her being driven into the arms of another man.
Well, it’s not your fault that she had no integrity and that your vows didn’t mean anything. It’s obvious that by the time the affair was discovered by you finding her in bed with another man in your house that Elvis had pretty much left the building at that point.
During the time we were married, she definitely wore the pants in the relationship, and I was relegated to the dithering pleaser who would’ve done anything to keep her happy and in my life.
Yet she still cheated on you. That’s on her, not you. Granted, you did things that turned her off, but she’s the one who chose to line up a new dude while you guys were still together.
After reading your book once, I was determined to get things turned around. I had read the book five times within the space of two months, got back into the gym and even started exploring spirituality in the form of Zen Buddhism. I also decided that I was going to be the best goddamned soldier I could be, and I was determined to get back my lost commission and rank.
Nice job dude. You went from having suicidal thoughts to thinking, “I’m going to become a better version of myself than I have ever been in my entire life.” That’s fucking awesome.
It was tough, and it took a lot of blood sweat and tears, but within four years I managed to turn things around for myself. I gradually started gaining rank again, and I’m proud to say that I just recently made it back up to Major (O-4) last month. I had tears in my eyes as my C.O. pinned that gold oak leaf back onto my lapels. It felt good.
I had transferred to another base, and thought that I had made a clean break with my past. In the six years since that terrible ordeal, I have read your first book thirteen times and your second book “Mastering Yourself” twice. The second book also motivated me to pursue a long dormant passion of mine, which is fiction writing. I’ve completed a few short stories and hope to get a novel off the ground by the time I retire from the military.
Remember, like I talk about in “Mastering Yourself” and mentioned in many videos over the years, you’ve got to think about it in terms of decades as far as doing things. I like what you’re doing, starting this while you’re still in the military, obviously recognizing, at some point and time you’re going to get out of the military. So in the meantime, while you’re still in the military, and you’ve got a steady paycheck, you’re working on building a new career.
Ideally, in a perfect world, if you continue working on it, writing, doing a blog, writing books, figuring out a way to promote and market them, and continually improve your writing, you can build a decent size audience to the point where you could go right from the military and into working for yourself. And it will be really fucking rewarding.
I just recently ended a two-year relationship with my girlfriend, as she was being transferred overseas. We both ended it on good terms, and felt we couldn’t carry on a long distance romance. We wished each other well and still remain good friends. It’s at this point that a monkey wrench gets thrown into the works, so to speak.
About three weeks after my girl and I had broken up, I registered for a Yoga class at an arts facility, and of all people, who do you think I run into… my goddamned ex-wife! Coach, believe me when I tell you, I was floored. I mean, what are the fucking odds?
Until you overcome something in your life, whether it’s a flaw that you have or maybe toxic people, or bad habits or things you maybe shouldn’t do anymore, the universe tends to keep bringing you circumstances in those people or similar people, until you can fully transcend them.
She noticed me right away and I was cordial to her. She complimented me on numerous things and even remarked that I looked ten years younger from when she last saw me. She requested me on Facebook a short time later and even asked me if I minded exchanging numbers. She began reaching out to me regularly, and on one occasion asked me if I wanted to see a movie. I figured what the hell and invited her over to my place to watch a movie there, as I wasn’t lifting a finger to meet her anywhere.
Well Coach, I hate to be cliché, but to use the old adage, one thing led to another and before I knew it, we were having sex.
Come on man! You know better.
Over the past few weeks we have hooked up numerous times, always at my place mind you. She has pleaded with me to take her back more than once, but I’ve been very hesitant to tread that ground again for obvious reasons.
Here’s the reality. Your ex-wife doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy and exclusivity. If she ain’t happy… I mean, she fucked another guy in your bed. The thing you have to understand is, if you’re going to be involved with somebody like this, if your game is tight and you’re doing everything right, she’ll probably be faithful. But if you slip up, things happen in life, you already know how the movie ends. She betrayed you once, she’ll betray you again.
And if you take her back and you get back together with her, you’re telling her, “It’s totally okay to fuck me over. I forgive you, and I’ll give you another chance to do it again.” With that said, it’s your fucking life dude. You do whatever you want. It’s just the reality is, she doesn’t value monogamy.
But here’s the thing Coach, as much as I have tried to keep her as just a friends with benefits type thing, I think I may be falling for her like I did the first time. I know I can’t trust her, but this woman is one of those knock your socks off type chicks you talk about, and the sex is the eyes rolling back in your head variety.
Dude, trust me, I know. As somebody who has girlfriends from the past still in his life, and sees them from time to time, the passion is still there, the sex is amazing, the fun and the chemistry is still there, even if I go years without seeing some of these girls. When we get back together, even though they’re older and they’re not as pretty as they were when we were younger, it’s like nothing changed. It’s like putting on an old, comfortable pair of shoes. However, I’m under no illusions that things would change if I were to get back together and be exclusive with any of them. As awesome as they are, and as much as I love them, I’m still not going to go back into an exclusive relationship with them, because I have my wits about me and I practice self-control, as hard as it is.
She’s just as fun, clever and giving as I remember, and hanging out with her is a blast. But then there’s the other side of the coin where she’s obviously devious, manipulating and lacking in integrity because of her past cheating ways.
Coach…what’s a guy to do? I need advice man.
Well, the reality is, you see her for what she is. And now she’s chasing you, she’s coming after you. Remember, rejection breeds obsession. She left you. She divorced you after all that shit that happened, and now she’s chasing you, which has got to feel great for your fucking ego. It’s going to make you feel good that after all these years, your wife cheated on you with another guy, in your fucking marital bedroom, and you had to come home and see this and get into a big fight that totally set your career back many years, and now the roles are reversed.
The thing you’ve got to recognize is, dude, you’re holding all the cards. You have all the keys to the kingdom. The important thing is to exercise emotional control. I would just have an open relationship. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Make dates. No matter how much she protests or wants you back, say, “Look, I love you, but I’m not getting back together with you.”
Eventually you want to settle down, have kids, or whatever it is you’re looking for, and you’ve got to hold to the vision of your life. This is how the universe tests you. It’s like, how badly do you want to move on from everything that happened six years ago? I mean, you have choice. You have abundance with women. What would be different? Things would probably be great for a long time, but eventually, after the infatuation and the newness wore off, what do you think would happen? I mean, we already know how that movie ends.
It’s your life, so I would have fun with her. Be honest and just say, I’m not getting into an exclusive relationship. I’m looking for a girlfriend, or a future wife, or somebody I can trust. Whatever that happens to be. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, make dates, always tell her where you stand with her, and keep looking.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Thank you so much for answering my email in a video newsletter! This is Jessica, the 26-year-old blonde who was trying to make her Latin lover her boyfriend. I thought you’d like an update on my situation. Well, I sat Bob down and had a long talk. I explained that I would like to become exclusive and that I had genuine feelings for him, that I saw him as more than just a fuck buddy. I also expressed my concerns over his family not accepting me because of the whole race issue.
He assured me that his family’s opinion on who he dated didn’t matter to him at all, and that he would date whomever he pleased. However, he kind of danced around the question of us being exclusive. He didn’t give me a straight answer and told me quote, “Sigma men like him don’t like labels” and that “we should just continue to have fun together and not over complicate things.” Not sure what a Sigma man is, but I didn’t question it. I was afraid to push the issue and didn’t want to seem like a nag, so I left it at that.
This is the middle of a negotiation. You say, “I want to be exclusive,” he says, “I’m a sigma man, and I don’t want any labels. I want to do my own thing.” So in other words, he wants to continue to date, and see and sleep with other women. This is the gut check for you. How important is it for you to be exclusive with this man, and what are your goals for your life and your personal life?
You have a child. Obviously, at some point you’d like to find a good stepfather to help co-parent your child, or maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re cool with things being this way. But the downside risk is that he may eventually find a woman that he likes more, has more chemistry with, spend more time with her, and eventually say, “Hey, I’m with somebody else, and I can’t see you anymore.” That’s reality.
You want something serious, and he doesn’t. So the question is, how bad do you really want an exclusive relationship? Is it a deal-breaker? Are you willing to walk away from what you have with this guy right now in order to seek out something that’s better, as hard as it is?
After we had our talk, I started to notice that he has become more attentive and affectionate towards me. Whenever we are out together, he frequently comments how he still thinks I am one of the most beautiful girls he’s ever been with and how he is so lucky to have found me. I also notice that he always updates his Facebook status and writes that he’s out with his little “Ghost Rider,” which is apparently a little pet name he’s assigned me. (I think that’s a comic book character, but I’m not sure…I think it’s also a playful way to allude to my paleness, Lol.) But he’ll never tag me directly, even though we’ve been friends on Facebook for a while. This is super confusing to me, and I’m not used to a man making me feel like this, since I’m the one who has always given mixed signals to guys.
The problem is that I just don’t know where I stand. I’m very unsure of things, which makes me call and pursue him even more. I don’t know whether he is just afraid of true commitment, is really not that into me or is just that focused on his career goals at the moment.
Remember, you’ve got to look at what people do, not what they say. You wanted exclusivity, he said no. The question for you is, how important is being exclusive with him to you? Because if you continue in the relationship the way it is now, you’re leaving yourself open to the possibility that he goes, “Hey, I met somebody else.” And it’s also possible that he goes, “You know what, let’s be exclusive,” but you just don’t know. How much time do you give it? Well, that’s up to you. That’s when we put on our big boy and girl pants and figure these things out for ourselves.
He has a few new screenplays he’s working on which has taken up a lot of his time. There’s also the added fact that I suspect that there might be another chick or two in the picture. I’m not surprised as Bob is a handsome and confident man and has his choice of women. He’s always posting pictures on Facebook with several girl “friends” he hangs out with, which I’m cool with, but at the same time, not. I think you’ve taught your student a little too well Coach, Lol.
Any advice? Should I keep on nagging him with wanting to be exclusive, or just accept the fact that he might never be that type of guy? BTW, I’ve just started my third round of your book.
Thanks for your time,
You need to see reality for what it is, not better than it is or worse than it is. The reality is, you wanted exclusivity, and he said no. Are you at the point right now where that’s a deal-breaker? Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You wanted exclusivity, he turned you down. At this present moment, you lost the negotiation, because you told him, okay, I’ll still stay with you, even though you’re dating and sleeping with other women, and may replace me with one of them eventually. So you’ve got to put your big girl pants on and decide what you can and can’t live with.
If you stay with him under these terms, you may get replaced by somebody else. And it’s also possible that he makes you his down the road, but right now, he said no. The question is, how long are you willing to wait, if at all? Or just say, “Fuck it. I’m hot, I’m young, I’m going to go find some other dude.”
P.S. I don’t know if he saw your video response to my previous email, but if he did, he hasn’t brought it up.
P.P.S. I included another picture of me and my friend Jessica. She was the one in the reddish dress from the previous email and she thinks you’re cute, lol.
Well, maybe you should have her send her phone number in.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When it comes to love and romance, we tend to project the fantasy of what we want onto others, while ignoring the reality that they’re not a match and cannot offer what we’re looking for. Since we tend to make our decisions based upon emotion and use logic and reason to justify our decisions, we talk ourselves into making bad choices in our personal lives that lead to unnecessary heartache and heartbreak. This can lead to enormous personal, professional and financial setbacks. Not to mention the loss of time, our most precious, perishable and shrinking resource. When you consider that it takes the average person one and a half years to recover from the breakup of a long-term relationship, it’s never a good idea to ignore your intuition, reality and allow yourself to get carried away by the emotions of our projected romantic fantasies. It’s always better to judge people by what they do, not what they say and certainly not their potential.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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