Relationships: Regret, Loss & Rejection

The importance of trusting in yourself and what feels right when it comes to your intimate relationships and who you choose to spend your life with.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who is really struggling with his relationship choices. He married a woman he really didn’t want to marry, but due to pressure from his family, he went ahead with the marriage anyway. They had two kids, and his wife had no interest in having any physical intimacy after their second child was born.

He started having an affair; eventually left his wife and was very happy in his new relationship. However, due to continued pressure from his family, he re-married his ex-wife and is now miserable again. His girlfriend, who he continued having an affair with, has now rejected him. He wants to divorce his wife again. He’s distraught on what he should do with his personal life, so he can finally be happy. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi Coach,

I came across your videos while I was soul searching for guidance through Google. I enjoyed watching your videos and suggestions provided. I am from Singapore, and the culture is a bit different and rather conservative. Anyway, my situation is rather complex, and I hope I am able to explain myself clearly. 

I got married in 2006. I was 31. I hooked up with her in 2002 after a breakup from an 8-year relationship. I got married because of my parents pestering me to settle down.

Which is never a good reason to get married.

And also, I know she will be a great wife and mother to my kids.

Well, that’s great that she’d be a great wife and mother, but what about a teammate for you? Because at the end of the day, your kids aren’t going to be little. You’ve got maybe two decades, two and a half decades, before they’re completely on their own and done with college, they’re working for themselves, they’ve got a place to stay, they’re paying their own rent, they’re paying their own car payments, they’re a fully self-sustaining, self-reliant adult.

What happens when the kids leave home? This is a big problem for a lot of people. I know from my own family, when my brother and I were old enough, my mother didn’t really have to do much mothering and taking care of us anymore. She was kind of like, what the hell do I do with my life?

And if you’re with somebody you don’t genuinely enjoy hanging out with, and now the real reason why you’re together, like in this case, you were focusing on the kids and how you would be good parents together, now you’ll be stuck with each other when you get older.

Who wants to be in a relationship with somebody you just don’t jibe with? It’s like having somebody who’s your closest friend who you can’t stand and you don’t want to be around. It just doesn’t make any sense. But millions and millions of people do it all over the world.

A few months before we got married, I felt neglected and lost the sparks in the relationship. I did not want to proceed with the marriage, but I was talked to by the family and eventually I got married.

So, the family pressured you to do what they thought was best, which more than likely was the same thing they all experienced. They all got pressured into it, and “you’ve just got to do the right thing,” even though it might make you miserable.

After marriage, I tried to be positive, had our first kid in 2008 and second one in 2011. But throughout this period, she was not intimate or affectionate in the relationship. I spurred on and tried to be positive.

So he’s basically in a relationship with a wife that has no interest in having sex with him. She got the couple of babies she wanted, and that was it. If I could count all the people I’ve encountered in my life, friends or clients I’ve done coaching sessions with that that was their reality.

It’s just sad man. Guys get married, the marriage isn’t really that great, they have a few kids, and then the wife just cuts off access to the pussy. “Nothing for you.” Then you’re just roommates with somebody that you’re no longer intimate with, and you don’t generally like hanging out.

From 2011 till 2013, I had countless rejections from my own wife when I wanted to be intimate.

Well, obviously you don’t know how attraction works, which you would have learned in “How To Be A 3% Man,” but that was before you found my work.

She either brushed my hands away or pushed me away. I probably had sex less than 10 times in a year. I eventually slowed down my advances with being intimate with her. And by 2016, I totally lost interest looking at her naked or wanting to have sex with her.

At the last quarter of 2016, I started having an affair. I was guilty, and I informed my wife about it. She was distraught. I had a hard time with family. We went for counseling and had a divorce by end 2017.

So you’re thinking that sucks, that was difficult, but eventually you got divorced and you moved on. It takes some guts, especially to get divorced when your family is pressuring you — probably trying to get you to validate their own life choices, because that’s probably what they all did.

In order to validate their life choices, especially the ones that have been going on for decades, if they can get everyone around them to do the same things, they feel like they did the right thing. As the saying goes, misery loves company.

Starting 2018, I was balancing my happiness and my personal life. I got access to kids and visited them frequently.

Notice how he says he “got access” to his kids. The court systems are just fucked up, even in Singapore. That just sucks. It’s like the men are behind the eight-ball, at least in so many states in the United States. A lot of the laws in some of these states, the woman has all the power, and the guy’s got no power at all.

The way I look at it, why involve the government in your relationship? If it doesn’t work out, and you’re in a state where the government’s going to come down on the side of the woman, it’s like good luck trying to be a part of your kid’s life.

I then met a woman. She was much younger than me. I was 43 and she was 26. I told her about my situation, and she accepted me for who I am. We stayed together and were very passionate and intimate with each other. She was very understanding and gave me space to spend time with my kids. 

At this point, you’re thinking “Wow, this is great. That guy really turned his life around,” right? It gets better.

Starting 2019, I felt sorry for my kids. I sympathized them for being in a broken family. At the same time, my family saw my relationship with ex-wife and kids were better. I brought my ex-wife and kids to my parent’s place during weekends. Things were better. But I didn’t develop any love or interest with my ex-wife. My parents started pleading and begging me to remarry my ex-wife for the sake of the kids. I am not denying, I felt for the kids too. 

You’ve got to ask yourself, if you don’t want to be with your wife, and the only reason you’re thinking about being with her or why you were with her in the first place is because you think you’re saving the kids, a broken family, all you’re really doing is showing your kids a dysfunctional, fucked up household where there’s no love, there’s no sex and no intimacy. How is that good for the children?

Do you want your children to grow up and get in the same kind of loveless, sexless marriage? Does that serve them? Is that something that’s going to make you feel proud as a parent? Or do you think it’s much better to be in a relationship with somebody that you love and have intimacy with, you’re teammates, your goals and values are aligned? The kids at least get to see mom and dad and dad’s new girlfriend in a happy relationship, no matter what happens with their mother.

The best thing you can do is present the best example for your children to emulate, because your kids are going to follow your example. And if you’re just giving them a dysfunctional relationship, you shouldn’t be surprised when they grow up and make the same mistakes. And that’s typically what happens. I don’t see how that’s fucking “saving the kids” or “helping the kids.” That’s just fucking them up and ruining their lives.

It was such a dilemma for me. I told the girl about my situation. There were a few occasions I felt guilty being with her. As she was younger, I told her that she can find someone better than me.

Yeah, if you don’t perceive yourself as bringing much to the table, that kind of a thought sounds totally normal. That’s not the sense of a guy who holds himself in high regard. And if you don’t think very highly of yourself, how are you going to expect your girlfriend or anybody else for that matter to think highly of you?

But deep down inside me, I want to be with her. I also told her about the situation with my family and what my parents requested. It was devastating for her. But we decided to stay on as long as possible.

So it sounds like you two continued dating, even though you were talking about potentially getting back together with your ex-wife for the sake of the kids. And another thing that is helping attraction-wise with your girlfriend is that you’re kind of the unattainable man. On some level, she’s going to be trying to think, “what can I do to get him to stay with me and not go back to his ex-wife who made him miserable anyway?”

By the end of 2019, I remarried the ex-wife. Both families were happy and kids were happy.

Come on man. What about you dude? What about your wife? Was she really happy?

The remarriage was not because I want to rekindle the love with my ex-wife, but more for my kids and parents.

How’s that working out buddy? How do you feel?

And ever since I remarried, I have yet to touch or have sex with my wife.

That’s brutal dude.

I don’t feel the urge, and I feel awkward being close to her. My wife had been trying to be intimate with me.

Isn’t it interesting how that totally flipped? You don’t want to touch your wife, and now she she’s trying to be intimate with you, whereas she rejected you for years and years.

But I am totally shut. I lost it. I don’t even want to hug her when we are sleeping. I don’t feel aroused or the need to be intimate with my wife.

Regarding the girl, I continued seeing her a few times a week after the marriage, (I know it is wrong).

So, at the end of the day, you’re trying to get your parents off your back, and you’re trying to keep the girl that you really care about in your life, and yet you’re married to your ex-wife, who you don’t really want to be with. How does that serve you or anybody? Everything in your life is a lie dude.

But the frequency gets lesser because of the Covid-19 situation. I cannot stay over with her, and just went over to her apartment for our physical moments.

And eventually, the country went into lockdown, and I cannot visit her. We continued communicating with each other, but no physical contact. But I guess that was the final straw for her. We broke up beginning of June. I am feeling devastated.

So you’ve got distance between the two of you, and now you’re no longer physically getting together. You’re living with your wife and your kids, but yet you’re talking with her, and so from her perspective, at that point she no longer has a physical relationship. She has an emotional affair with a married guy.

It has been a crazy journey in my life. I learnt a few things: I love my wife because she’s the mother of my kids. Ever since I got my second kid, I can’t relate much with wife. And the reason why I got married with her the first time was pretty much because I know she’ll make a good mother and wife.

A wife who doesn’t want to have sex with you, I wouldn’t call that being a good wife.

Our character and interests differ a lot. I regretted marrying again. I totally regret it.

Well, that was as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west, dude. I mean, you had already tried that for the better part of a decade, and then you went back to the same strategy that made you miserable. And now you’re miserable again. So you shouldn’t be surprised.

I reflected and learnt that the girl that I lost did a lot for me. She cared and loved me unconditionally.  We were well connected emotionally and physically. We shared a lot of common interests. I wish I could be back with her again. I totally miss her, and I love her a lot. I went crazy over her, and now she is rejecting me.

At the end of the day, your parents are going to die, you’re going to die, your wife’s going to die, this girlfriend is going to die and your kids are going to die eventually. The question is, how do you want to spend your life? Do you want to be miserable so you don’t upset your aging parents? Or do you want to be happy, so you can be a good boyfriend, a good husband to your girlfriend or some future woman, and be a good dad to your kids? What’s important to you?

Everything has consequences dude. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

I am at the lowest point in my life. I want to divorce my wife again. I feel that it is not healthy for me being in this marriage.

I really want to end my marriage. But I am worried my aging parents will be upset.

Please guide me Coach! Please tell me what I should do.

Yours sincerely,

Bob

Quite frankly, you already know what you should do. You’ve tried it. You’ve tried making your parents happy for the better part of what, 12-15 years now? And what has it done to you? What has it cost you? Are you satisfied with that?

Based on what you shared, what made you happy was being with this girl. Now, it might be beyond repair at this point, but if you’re not happy with your wife, and you know you don’t want to stay with her, it’s selfish and it’s weak to stay in that marriage. It’s not fair to your wife, it’s not fair to your kids, and it’s not fair to you. And it’s not fair to your parents and the rest of your family to live a lie.

Maybe you are the guy who’s brave enough and courageous enough to finally break this pattern in the family. “Mom and Dad, I love you guys, but I’m not going to be fucking miserable. And if that pisses you off, well that’s your fucking problem. If you’re not going to accept my choices in my personal life, that’s fine, but obviously I’m going to have to moderate the amount of time that I spend with you, because although I love you, because you’re my parents, I’m not interested in being miserable. And having a relationship with you guys shouldn’t mean that every time I come around, you make me feel guilty. I want you to be happy for me. And if you don’t have something positive to say, then you need to keep those opinions to yourself.”

You’ve got to set some healthy boundaries in your life and let your parents know that you’re an adult now. You’re a 43-year old fucking man, and you’re going to make your own decisions that are going to make you happy and are going to be in the best interest of your children. That’s what fucking matters.

All you can really do with this other girl is, if you decide to leave your wife, say, “I’m leaving her. This was a mistake. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I went back to my wife. I listened to my parents, that was weak. I shouldn’t have done it, but I’d like the chance to see you again and rekindle what we had. And if you don’t want to, that’s fine. Call me if you change your mind, but if you don’t want to get back together, if you don’t want to date, if you don’t want to see where it goes romantically, then I’m going to find somebody else.”

You’ve got to learn the fundamentals in “How To Be A 3% Man.” You didn’t say much about reading the book. It sounds like you’re just kind of cherry-picking videos, and that’s just not going to give you sustainable success. Because the things that you’re doing, not only with your wife, but what you’re doing with your girlfriend, you’re doing a lot of unattractive things, and that’s a big part of your problem — displaying unattractive behavior that leads to rejection. So, read the book 10-15 times and apply it. I would also study my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”

Life is just too fucking short to try and live it according to the expectations of another. I mean, this is a prime example. This guy has made himself miserable on two occasions with the same person, going completely against his gut, because he’s trying to please his parents. And all he did was make himself miserable. And that’s a tragedy. Hopefully he’ll be strong enough to do what’s right for him.

“You will never be happy if you live your life according to the expectations of others. When you are so worried about what others think about you that you make decisions to please them instead of doing what makes you happy, you will only make yourself miserable and resentful. You can only be at your best personally when you are happy and in a peaceful and relaxed state. Cultivate a personal and professional life that brings you peace, happiness, joy and that facilitates your personal growth.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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