She Asked For Space & Says I’m Smothering Her. How Do I Get Her Back?

How to get your ex back after she says she needs space because you’re smothering her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s been following my work for a while. He got dumped almost a year ago after a 5 year relationship with his ex girlfriend. He’s been trying to get her back but is getting nowhere. She says she needs space because he is smothering her. He’s obviously not getting the message and won’t leave her alone. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “She Asked For Space & Says I’m Smothering Her. How Do I Get Her Back?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy. He got dumped almost a year ago from his five year relationship with his ex-girlfriend. He says he’s been trying to get her back, and despite his best efforts, he’s not making any headway. However, when you look at what the girlfriend is saying and doing, she’s constantly like, “I need space, you’re smothering me.” And you can tell this guy’s got the illusion of action going on big time, because rejection breeds obsession. And so, he got dumped almost a year ago and he still is not backing off.

And the funny thing is, or the sad thing is, however you want to look at it, is that he says he’s been following me for a while, but yet when you look at what he’s actually doing and saying, he’s doing the opposite of what I teach, and it seems like he’s kind of perplexed as to why he’s not getting anywhere. And when a woman says, “I need space”, especially when they say, “you’re smothering me”, that means you’re calling too much, you’re texting too much, you’re not giving your time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you.

For those feelings, to start to return because he’s so desperate to get another chance with her. His whole mindset is completely wrong. So he’s got a pretty detailed email here, and he goes through the things that led to him getting dumped, and he’s still exhibiting these behaviors. I don’t know if he’s actually read The Book. Just from the sounds of it, it sounds like he’s probably just a lazy cherry picker, and not really taking it serious. But I mean, can you imagine, ten months trying to get your girlfriend back, you get dumped, and you spend ten months chasing her, calling her, badgering her.

It’s kind of surprising that he hasn’t got a restraining order against him yet. And so, it’s a good email. It just shows what not to do. Because this is what most guys tend to do. They get rejected and think, “I got to fix this.” Or, “there’s something I got to do.” And typically what’s happened is they’ve over pursued to the point where their pursuit, their interest, their efforts are not coming from the place of, “I want to show how much I care about you”, but it’s constantly needing reassurance that she still cares.

And so typically, as the guy notices that she seems to care less and less and she starts to fade away, he starts to pursue more, call more, text more, and all that does is cause him to basically chase her out of his life. So let’s see what we can do to maybe shock this guy and shake him up a little bit and hopefully get him to start reading 3% Man, and start learning the fundamentals so we can turn this around. Because if he doesn’t correct his behavior, next time he meets a girl he really likes, he’s going to turn her off for the same exact reasons. So with that said, let’s go through the email.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

I hope this email finds you well. My name is Bob, and I have been following your work for some time now. Your insights have been incredibly valuable to me as I navigate a challenging situation in my personal life. I am writing to seek your guidance on how to reconnect with someone very special to me, my ex-girlfriend, Jessica. Jessica and I were together for about five years, and our relationship was filled with both beautiful moments and significant challenges. We have been separated since September, and during this period. I have made numerous attempts to reconnect with her, about 15 to 20 times.

Well, you should be following the script. That’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because whoever screws it up is the one that’s got to fix it. And so your girlfriend unilaterally decided she no longer wanted a relationship with you. She wanted space. And so when a woman says, “I need space”, you got to give them space. And you got to give them so much space that if you never hear from them again, well, that tells you everything you need to know. Because you never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you.

And because I’ve been through this guys email, part of his smothering and his needy, neurotic behavior is what turned her off, caused her to lose attraction and respect for him. And despite the fact she keeps telling him she wants space, he doesn’t respect it. He’ll wait for a little bit. And then he keeps pursuing, thinking that they’re going to go from broken up to right back into a relationship. As I said many times, as I discussed in My Book, it takes time for a woman to fall in love.

It takes time for her to fall out of love, and it will take time for her to fall back in love. It’s a multi-month process, and so if you’ve been dumped, if you’ve been rejected like this guy was, what’s going on is your girl doesn’t want to keep you anymore. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. And you never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. Because you can’t fix anything unless the other person wants to fix it. And if she’s pushing you away saying, “leave me alone, you’re smothering me, I want space.”

Then you got to be man enough and have enough self control to do that. To give her the space, move on with your life. You should be reading what’s in 3% Man and applying it, and dating other women and trying to get better. So if she does reach back out in the future, she’s going to find a more confident, more masculine, more centered, more calm dude than the guy that she dumped and rejected for being so needy and neurotic. But if you don’t date, if you just sit around waiting on this girl to give you another chance every time you do interact with her, nothing has changed.

You haven’t become better. You haven’t become more attractive. You haven’t become more confident or competent. You’re still the same guy that she dumped. And so your behavior must change to one of constantly displaying unattractive, unmasculine behavior to a guy that is acting maximally attractive as I detail in The Book. Because if you’re not acting like an attractive male, she’s not going to feel like she wants to see you or spend time with you or give you another chance.

And so your mindset when you’ve been dumped like this is you’re open to giving her another chance, but she’s got to make the effort. And you can’t do that for her. And this guy is for the better part of the last year, has been constantly pursuing a woman that dumped him and rejected him because of his needy, neurotic, uncentered behavior. And yet it’s not clicking with him even though he is watching my videos, that he’s continuing to do the same behavior and exhibit the same behavior that got him rejected in the first place.

I have made numerous attempts to reconnect with her, about 15 to 20 times.

Well, you should have made zero. Because your attitude is you’re in essence, walking away from the negotiating table. You want sex and romance, she says, “I want space.” And then your attitude should be like, “all right, you can have all the space you need. If your feelings change or you want to see me, you want to give it another try. Get in touch. If not, it’s been great. Thanks for all the memories. You’re amazing.”

And then you walk away and you never look back. That’s the masculine thing to do. When you can’t walk away. When you keep pursuing, all you’re communicating is you’re still the same uncentered guy that has zero self control. And men that don’t have self control scare women. They don’t feel safe.

Despite my efforts, I feel like I am not making the progress I hoped for.

Well, you’re doing the opposite of what I teach, so the fact that you’re not getting anywhere. It’s predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. My work is not going to help you. If you’re going to read it, watch the videos and then do the opposite or continue your failed approach. I mean, you’ve been trying to get her back for ten months pursuing and chasing, and all you’re doing is turning her off and making her be disgusted by you. It’s not attractive.

And I am reaching out to you in the hope that your wisdom can help me find the right path forward.

Again, you should be following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Your attitude should be, she needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And you’re still begging and pleading and trying to get her to pay attention to you. That’s really unattractive. A man does not grovel, and that’s what you’re doing. You’re groveling and you’re drooling all over her as if you’re to say, “mommy, mommy, please give me some attention. Pay attention to me. I want an attaboy. Tell me I’m a good boy.”

And typically guys that behave this way just didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. Mom and dad didn’t make them feel loved, and so they never got the love they wanted. And so when they get into a relationship with somebody that doesn’t want to be in a relationship with them anymore, that feels like their relationship with their parents, basically. And so they keep trying to get love from somebody that won’t give it to them, instead of the self loving thing to do, which is, “hey, you don’t try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. She screwed it up. She unilaterally ended it. Therefore she’s got to fix it.”

And if she’s not interested in fixing it, there’s really nothing you can do. You tried begging and pleading for ten months. I mean, as you said, 15, 20 attempts or whatever it was. I’m surprised you haven’t gotten a restraining order against you. You just cannot do that. You cannot keep chasing after a woman, especially when she says, “I need space. You’re smothering me.” To hear that over and over. And then you keep thinking it’s a good idea to pursue, that’s not good. That’s a bad way to go.

Our relationship ended due to a combination of factors, including misunderstandings, emotional reactions.

So that tells me he probably got upset. He got butthurt all the time that she didn’t pay attention to him. She didn’t do what he expected, that kind of thing. And then he blew up. He blew his top. Because again, he’s got no self control. And when she says, “I need space, you’re smothering me.” And yet you keep pursuing her and you don’t give her space. Space means give her all the space she needs and she’ll contact you when and if she ever gets ready.

And you’re not doing that. So, everything you’ve done for the last ten months is to communicate you still have no self control. You’re still freaking her out for the same reasons that led to her dumping you. So your behavior hasn’t changed at all, and her perception of you hasn’t changed at all. And more than likely, with your constant barrage of reaching out and trying to fix things, it has caused her to lose even more respect for you. And further cements in her mind, and in her heart, that she did the right thing by booting you out of her life.

Because if you have no self control, she’s not going to feel safe with you. She’s not going to trust your masculine core if you say one thing and then you do another. If she says, “give me space”, and you say, “sure, I’ll give you space.” Then two weeks later, you reach out. You’re not really giving her space. Because you couldn’t handle not talking to her for a few weeks. And then you’re reaching out, trying to force things. You’re forcing her or trying to force her to pay attention to you.

Emotional reactions and external influences. Since our separation, I have taken the time to reflect deeply on my actions and have been working diligently on personal growth. I’ve made strides in controlling my emotions and improving my communication skills, inspired by the lessons I’ve learned from your materials.

Again, it’s like you’re doing the opposite of what I teach. I’m surprised you can’t see it, but that just shows you the power of your own emotions and how rejection breeds obsession. And so, you’re stuck in the fantasy of what you want, and you’re completely ignoring the reality that this girl just doesn’t want anything to do with you at this time.

One of the key challenges I face is rebuilding trust and re-establishing a foundation for our relationship.

Well, as I discuss in 3% Man. A man’s job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and seduced to make a move and seduce her. Women are not like light switches.

You’re not going to flip a switch, and she’s going to say she’s in love with you and wants to live happily ever after. It’s not how it works. There is a process to women falling in love for you that is detailed in The Book. They have to go through that period and you’re constantly interrupting it. She’s not even getting off the finish line because you just will not stop badgering her.

Jessica has been clear that she needs space and time, and I respect that.

No you don’t. You haven’t respected it since you got dumped to put that shit in there and say you respect that, but yet, 15 to 20 attempts to get her back, that’s not respecting, “I need space.” That’s holding out for a week or two, and then when you can’t handle it anymore, then you reach out and you try to force things. And you just keep going back to the same place. You keep trying the same strategy over and over. It’s not working.

However, I also want to demonstrate to her that I am committed to making positive changes.

That mindset is, “I got to prove myself.” That’s what you see in movies all the time. But this is not how real men act in the real world. Because when you act like a beta male that thinks he’s got to jump through his butt to get a woman to pay attention to him, you’ve already lost. Women love guys that are confident, and if you’re trying to prove to her how you’ve changed, and you’re a better man, that should be something that’s self-evident, not you chasing.

“Oh, look, honey, I changed. I’m better.” That’s not how it works. It’s unattractive. You’re trying to get her attention like a chick tries to get a guy’s attention. So you’re acting like a woman the whole time, and it’s ruining the sexual polarity. So of course, she’s not going to feel any kind of sexual or romantic attraction towards you.

And that our relationship can be different this time around.

Well, all of your actions are communicating that you have stayed exactly the same. You think, or you delude yourself into thinking, that you’re proving yourself, or you’re proving that things are going to be different.

But quite frankly, when she says she, “needs space” and you don’t respect that, it’s like, nothing’s changed. You said yourself that your emotional outbursts and your lack of emotional self control is what got you dumped. And yet you’re continuing to show and display that you have no control.

I believe that with the right approach, we can find our way back to each other and build a stronger, more resilient bond.

Well, it takes two to tango. And right now your tango partner has no interest in tangoing with you. And so the self-loving thing to do is to go meet a new tango partner and dance with somebody that actually wants to be with you.

In our past conversations, Jessica has expressed that she feels smothered and needs a break.

And you obviously, clearly in the last ten months that you got dumped have refused to give that to her. Probably because you are fearful that you won’t be loved. And deep down you’re afraid that you don’t measure up. The only reason that you’re trying to prove that you’ve changed is because deep down, you don’t feel like you measure up as a man. And she’s telling you what she needs and you’re ignoring it completely. You’re only focused on yourself and your own feelings, and that’s why you’re getting nowhere. You’re just spinning your wheels.

I understand this and have been trying to give her the space she needs.

No, you’re not. You’re not giving her any space.

While also showing my genuine interest in making things right.

All you have to do is tell her one time that you want to work things out. But if somebody doesn’t want to work things out with you, she doesn’t want to tango with you anymore. Then you walk away and go tango with somebody else. And you haven’t done that. You’re just lingering like a stalker in the background that just never goes away.

I’ve attempted to communicate my feelings and the changes I am making, but I fear that my efforts may sometimes come across as desperate or intrusive.

Sometimes? It’s like, how about all the time? When a woman says, “I need space, you’re smothering me.” You don’t keep reaching out and keep pursuing. It’s like, Come on, Man.

Given this, I would greatly appreciate your advice on the following:

Number One: Timing and Patience. How can I balance giving Jessica the space she needs while also expressing my commitment to our relationship?

Um, newsflash. You don’t have a relationship with Jessica anymore. You got dumped. You got dumped in September a year ago. So we’re at ten months, in two more months it’s going to be a full year. And so, the fact that you’ve been unwilling to give her space and be patient, and let her reach out to you, and you honor her wishes.

Again, shows you have no self control, no confidence, and you’re not competent as a man. That should be obvious. I mean, you should not be surprised that doing the opposite of what I teach when you’re trying to get an ex back is not working. That’s why I put together the article 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

Number Two: Effective Communication. What are the best strategies for approaching conversations with Jessica in a way that is non-confrontational and respectful of her boundaries?

Well, if you want to respect her boundaries when she says, “I need space, stop smothering me.” It means leave her alone. It means walk away and never look back. And what that means is, if she never reaches out, that means never call or text her again for any reason. Never, ever. She knows you want her back. You’ve been chasing her for ten months, and all she’s doing is trying to push you away. And so you have to do now is you have to disengage permanently. You have to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from here on out.

You cannot badger her or use logic and reason to negotiate interest and cause her feelings to return for you. You have to be a self-evident, confident, competent man. And what that means is, your mission and purpose for your personal life is, you want somebody that wants to be with you. Your ex-girlfriend doesn’t want to be with you anymore. And so what you need to do is live the things that are in My Book.

If you love and value and respect yourself, you’re going to spend your time with women who actually want to be with you, instead of begging somebody to spend time with you, who is clearly making it obvious that she doesn’t want to be around you anymore. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. So respect her boundaries and let her go. Your attitude should be, “I’m never going to contact her again for any reason.” If she does reach out in a couple of months, assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to make dinner at your place. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

Don’t focus on the relationship or getting back together. Just create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Exactly the same things that you did when you first started dating her. All relationships start out as casual. You don’t go out on a first date, and at the end of the first date, you’re in a long term relationship. It’s not how it works, it’s just the first date. And so if you end up having one date a few months down the road after you actually walk away and let her be.

Her attitude will have changed. And plus, since she’s reaching out to you, she’ll agree to come to your place to make dinner together. And if she won’t agree to do that, all of the objections that she could possibly have to that, and how to handle them are detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

Number Three: Building Trust. How can I effectively demonstrate the changes I’ve made and rebuild the trust that was damaged during our relationship?

Display the patterns of behavior that are detailed in The Book. Because right now all you’re doing is completely behaving exactly the same way that you were when you got dumped. Nothing has changed. So you can’t possibly think that she’s going to be attracted to you after all this time. All you’re doing is further cementing in her mind, in her heart, that she made the right decision by dumping your ass.

Number Four: Managing Expectations. How should I manage my expectations and stay motivated during this challenging period of uncertainty?

Well, you should assume that it’s over and you’ll probably never hear from her again. And so you should be applying what’s in The Book so you can get some other choices and get some other options. Because quite frankly, a little bit of strange will help you. If you had 2 or 3 other girls that you were meeting and dating, maybe hooking up with, you’re going to be cockier.

You’re going to have a little bit more swagger. You’re going to be less inclined to badger and chase and pursue. If you got some other options. And that will help put you in the right mindset, which is, “I’m open to giving her another chance to win me back.” Which is the opposite of the way you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “how can I get her to give me another chance?” Your mindset is the opposite of what it should be.

I am determined to work on myself and improve for the sake of our relationship.

Again, dude. You don’t have a relationship. Your relationship ended ten months ago. You’re single. She’s single. You’re a free agent. She’s a free agent. She’s telling you to leave her the fuck alone. So leave her alone. If you won’t show that eventually, what’will happen is she’ll block you, or you’ll get served with a restraining order. That’s not something you want.

Your guidance on these issues would be invaluable to me. I truly believe that with your advice, I can find a way to reconnect with Jessica.

Again, the whole mind says, “how do I get Jessica to pay attention to me?”

In a manner that is healthy and sustainable.

For both of us.

Thank you for taking the time to read my email. I look forward to any advice you can provide.

Warm regards,

Bob

Well, what you’re doing is not healthy and it’s not sustainable. It’s creepy, it’s stalkerish, and you’re acting like a fucking weirdo. This behavior scares women. She’s not going to trust your masculine core at all if you don’t knock it off. Leave her the fuck alone. You don’t need to call her or you don’t need to say, “I’m never going to call you again.” You don’t need to say anything. Just stop moving forward. Focus on The Book. Focus on applying it. Focus on meeting someone new. Spend your time with people who want to be with you, not people who are pushing you away or telling you to get lost. That’s what you need to do, my man.

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If you’ve got a problem or a question or a challenge, or maybe you’re having trouble getting an ex back, you’re trying to fix something that is going sideways in a relationship you’re involved in. Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.