She Asked Me To Commit. Then She Said We Moved Too Fast & I Walked Away. Right Move?

What you should do after a woman asks you to commit and then says things are moving too fast.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was friends with a woman for about 10 years. He finally made a move, and they were all over each other for about 4 & 1/2 weeks. They had a conversation on Saturday about not wanting to see other people. However, a few days later she says that she is scared that they are moving too fast. He told her he wouldn’t invest his time in someone who questioned how they felt about him, put his foot down and walked away. Now he asks if he made the right move. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter in the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, She Asked Me To Commit. Then She Said We Moved Too Fast & I Walked Away. Right Move?

Well, this particular email is actually a pretty short one. And this is interesting. He’s been in the friend zone with this particular girl for a decade. Ten years. Ten. Ten years of his life. So he says he finally made a move after all his time. And then for about four and a half weeks, they were all over each other. And then they had a conversation on a Saturday. This is like Saturday a couple of weeks ago.

About not wanting to date or see other people. I’m assuming, he didn’t say it, but I’m assuming he’s probably the one that brought it up. And so, it seems like they agreed between the two of them, okay, they’re going to be together now. And so, I assume this guy’s brand new to my work. Hasn’t read 3% Man yet, but it’s a really good email, because so many guys have this problem.

They start dating girl and it’s going great. They’re all over each other. And what happens? The girl backs off. In this case they talk about being exclusive. And then a few days go by and she’s like, “Ah, the exclusive thing. Uh, I’m not sure, I’m confused right now. We moved a little too fast.” And so, he got kind of butter and says, “Well, I’m not going to invest my time just for the hell of it. And I walked away.” So obviously his behavior is response was not appropriate.

But it’s a short email. So we’ll go through it because this is an issue that a lot of guys suffer from, and don’t know any better about. Because feminine energy is about opening up to receive love. It’s bonding, connecting, boyfriend/girlfriend labels. Relationships. Nesting. Family. Children. Being nurturing. That’s what feminine energy is all about.

And so, for a man to start trying to lock a woman down to a relationship before she feels emotionally ready, typically 99% of the guys are trying to do too much too soon. Because, again, what kind of movies have we seen? Better put a ring on that girl’s finger or else some other guy is going to steal her, right? Better tell that girl how serious you are about her and how much you like her before some other guy does that. You do that in the real world and she dips on you.

So you have to create the conditions where I mean, this is the the reality a lot of women would say, “That’s not true, it’s gotta be 50/50.” But it’s always better if the woman thinks that she likes you more than you like her. The video newsletter that I did yesterday is the exact opposite. The girl knows that the guy likes her way more than she likes him. She’s waiting 24 hours to reply to his text. She’s blowing him off. Plus, on top of that, she’s being really nasty to him when he tries to set a date with her.

And, you know, he’s doing a lot of really unattractive behavior. Instead of letting the woman come to him, he’s trying to force things. And so, in the courtship, you have to go slightly slower than the woman does, because what this does is it causes her romantic interest in you to go up faster than yours. And then when that happens, she calls you more, she texts you more, she pursues you more, and she starts to get to the point where she falls in love.

And if you’re following what’s in The Book to a T, typically week six or week seven, the woman is going to be asking to be in a relationship. But if you’re not, like, more than likely what this guy did, is that he tried to lock her down. She initially said “Yes,” but after she thought about it for a few days, she realized she just wasn’t there yet. Because instead of it being her idea, it was actually his idea.

He was acting like the girl. She was acting like the man. And then he didn’t know any better, and he got butthurt and took it personally, he took it as a rejection, and then just dipped out in the whole thing. Instead of handling it in a way that I will explain as I go through is email, how he should have handled it. And then obviously what he should do now going forward.

Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

I have been seeing a girl for about four and a half weeks, but I’ve been friends with her for about 10 years. I finally made a move, and we haven’t been able to keep our hands off each other since. We had a conversation last Saturday night about not wanting to see other people and what the future holds.

Well, who brought that up? Probably you. Because if you’re the one that brought it up and then three days later she wants to go back on that, then that tells me it was probably you that brought it up. It was probably you that was trying to lock her down. Because, why? His feelings and his emotions are getting engaged, and he’s really starting to like this girl.

And he could tell she’s not in the same place. And so what does that do? The Illusion Of Action kicks in and he feels like he’s got to do something or say something to get her to commit, to get her to be with him. Because he’s trying to deal with his feelings of constantly needing to know where he stands with her. Because the bottom line is, he can tell that he likes her way more than she likes him. And that’s not the place you want to be as a man.

I felt the conversation went well, and then…

And then.

After a few days she became nervous and said that things have moved too fast and was scared.

Well, she says that I was like, “Well, what do you mean? What? What are you saying? What do you mean it moved too fast? We’ve known each other for ten years. I would say we were probably moving slower than anybody. But if you think we need to slow things down a little bit more. Hey, you know, we know each other a decade. What’s a few more days? A few more weeks. A few more months. I’m in no rush. I’m really having a good time. And last weekend was a blast. I’d love to see you again. We can, we can talk about it some more. And, you know, I can, you know, let’s, we’ll address your concerns.”

And then make a date to get together, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. Because what is happening here is she’s feeling smothered. She’s feeling locked down to something that you’re obviously ready for, but she’s not. And so, “You have to love in such a way that the person you love feels free” as Thích Nhất Hạnh used to say.

And so, what’s happening is she doesn’t feel free. She feels smothered. She feels locked down to a commitment that she made because you pressured her, not because it was her idea and she was ready. And so, this is where he screws up. Masculinity is calm. Does this sound like the response of a guy who’s calm? Or does this sound like the response of a guy who’s pissed off and butthurt?

I told her I wasn’t going to invest my time with someone that questioned how they felt about me, so I put my foot down and told her that I was walking away from the situation.

How dare you reject me? Instead; it’s like women are like cats. You know, you tried locking her down before she was ready. She agreed to it. And a few days later, she’s like, “Ah!” She’s freaking out about it. So just say, “Hey, what do you mean?” Get her to talk to you. Open her up on a date in person. Because what she’s really feeling is that you’re way more into her than she’s into you.

And so, you need to let her know that, hey, if she wants a few days or she wants to wait to see you or she wants space, it’s like, either way, you’re okay. Either way, you’re cool either way. You should be the one that she’s trying to lock down to a commitment, not the other way around. Even though the movies and the TV shows are displaying that all the time, that’s not how it works in the real world.

Did I make the right move or was it too much of an emotional move?

Definitely too much of an emotional move. And you shouldn’t be trying to lock girls down. That’s, you know, the opposite of what The Book teaches. But I assume you’re new.

How can I recover from this and potentially restart the casual relationship we had?

Bob

Well, if you told her you were walking away, then I would give it a couple of weeks, maybe hear from her. Maybe you don’t. If you hear from her, make the next date. And if you don’t, I’d wait two weeks, and then text her or call her, and try to get her to go out on a date with you. And hang out, have fun, hook up. You just blew the whole thing out of the water instead of just recognizing that you’re moving faster than she is and you need to slow down.

If she says, “Oh, hey, we’re moving too fast.” And she was scared. You just got to say, “Babe, we’ve known each other for ten years. Anybody in their right mind looking at our situation from the outside in is like; you guys are like taking forever in your romance. So a few extra days, a few extra weeks, a few extra months is. Honey, I’m in no rush. If you feel like we moved a little too fast and you want a few days to be alone to think about or whatever, it’s like, hey, I’m fine with that. Just call me when you miss me or whatever. And I’d love to see you then.”

It’s not a big deal. Because what’s happening is she’s becoming overwhelmed with her emotions and she’s going, “Ah!” That’s what women do. It’s over exaggeration of emotions and feelings. And what you did was like, “Ah, man, fuck you. Up yours. You bitch. You slut. You whore. I hate you! You can’t do this to me. Don’t you know who I am? I’m important.” It’s not a good way to react. So don’t do anything for a couple of weeks.

And if you don’t hear from her, call her, try to get her out on a date. And when you’re together in person, you can say, “Yeah, it was a little harsh. Yeah, I got a little emotional. I was kind of mad. It’s like shit, we’ve know each other for ten years.” “We’re moving a little fast.” It’s like, “Eh, it’s been ten years since we’ve known each other.”

So you can make light of it and act like it’s not a big deal. You’re not perturbed. It’s not the end of the world. “We’ll just go a little slower. It’s not a big deal.” But in the meantime, you should be reading The Book and filling in your knowledge gap because you are making a lot of unnecessary, stupid mistakes. It’s like the way you reacted was totally inappropriate and wrong for the situation, and you blew the whole thing up when all you really needed to do was get her to talk, lay your concerns.

Tell her you’re happy to slow things down, spend a little less time together until she feels comfortable. It’s not a big deal. You don’t just blow the whole thing up. And go “Ah, I’m taking my toys and going home. I’m gonna tell my mommy you don’t want to spend time with me. I’m so mad.” It’s just a bad way to go, dude. It’s like an eight year old.

Have you ever seen a mom at the grocery store, and her eight year old keeps putting stuff in the shopping cart. And she keeps putting it back, and says, “No, no more candy.” And he goes, “Arhh” and he’s like, banging his fist on the ground and kicking his feet and crying and throwing a temper tantrum. That’s basically what you did here as an adult. It’s extremely unattractive.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.