What you should do if your woman backs away, is hot and cold and her behavior is driving you nuts.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who recently came across my videos while dating a woman who is going through a divorce. He complains that she’s hot and cold, and it’s driving him nuts because he can’t figure out what’s going on. He says he can’t sleep and it’s interfering with his work.
She made him feel attracted and interested in a way he hasn’t felt in years about anyone else. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
In all fairness, he’s new to my work, so I don’t think he’s even read 3 Man yet. He’s just frantically going through my videos looking for a quick fix that will solve his problem. He’s got all kinds of things going on. He’s become attached to a woman who’s unavailable, she’s going through a divorce, but what would really help him is if he actually started following the instructions that are in most of my videos, where I tell guys you’ve got to read the book 10-15 times. You have to learn the baseline fundamentals.
The videos are a case by case basis of real-world stories that men and women are involved in and how to properly apply what’s in the book. But if you don’t learn the fundamentals in the book, the videos can be confusing. Yeah, there’s a lot of good information, but the videos are based on the premise that you understand the basics of what’s in the book.
I feel for this guy. He’s really suffering and he’s one of those guys that hasn’t woken up yet to what’s really going on. And a big part of it is his behavior. He’s become attached to a woman that’s unavailable. And more than likely, it feels normal to him to want to be loved, but he’s not getting the love that he wants back, probably because that’s similar to what he experienced growing up. He wanted love from his parents and the people close to him growing up, and a lot of times it was either withheld or it was just never freely given. And so, he gets involved with a woman he really cares for and feels something for, and she feels something for him, albeit she’s hot and cold. And then when she disappears, it drives him up a wall.
There’s moments of elation and joy when they’re together, but you can tell he’s pursuing too much and pressuring her, and that’s the worst thing you can do with somebody that’s going through a divorce. I even go into detail about this in 3% Man. If you get involved with somebody that’s in the middle of a divorce and the divorce isn’t finalized yet, or they’re in the middle of a breakup – especially if they were together many years – and they go from being in a multi-year relationship to seeing and dating and hooking up with you – in essence what’s going on is they’ve replaced one intimacy with an intimacy with a different person. They never take time to heal. They never take time to get back to a place where they love themselves, they love their time alone, they enjoy being alone.
If you can’t enjoy being alone, being by yourself, you’re not going to be good company, not only for yourself, but for anybody else for that matter. So, this is a pretty common thing for guys that are new to my work. Again, I feel for this guy, but he’s really doing it to himself. So, let’s see what we can do to get him out of pain and get back to a place where he feels peace and ease and delight. Life is a lot more fun that way.
Hello and good morning. I am going crazy and need your guidance. I came across your videos only recently and I have not read any of your books but your videos “spoke to me”.
Well, if you really want to get past this, you’ve got to read “3% Man.” There’s no shortcuts to success. Trying to cherry-pick quick fix tips from the videos, it’s not going to work. It’s not going to be a long-term sustainable strategy. You might get some attainable success here and there, but you’re still going to be confused, and you’re going to suffer unnecessarily.
I am crazy about this girl who is going thru a divorce. We started seeing each other back in December 2021–January 2022, having great sex but she broke things off in February because she said things were going too fast and she was not ready.
Typically, that’s what you hear when a guy is pursuing too much. He’s making her feel smothered. And as the Thich Nhat Hanh quote says, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” Now, if you were involved with somebody that had a recent breakup or is going through a breakup, or in this case a divorce, you can take that quote and multiply it by ten. You have to let women come to you at their pace, especially when they’re going through a divorce.
I did not contact her at all, and she called me wanting to get back together in March. Things were going well for about two months, (March and April), but she started pulling away again and stopped texting and calling me.
More than likely because, again, he was pursuing more than he should have been.
She seems content on just texting and FaceTime, but that does not work for me.
Yeah, because you probably have turned into her emotional tampon and her therapist on the phone, and you’re pressuring her for a relationship and to spend time with you. And so, she’s getting her needs met, she’s getting the attention and validation from a man that she craves in you, but she doesn’t have to deal with the pressure of a relationship, and that’s why she avoids seeing you.
And as I discussed in “3% Man,” the phone is for setting dates, not giving out information or getting to know somebody. And that’s what’s happened here. You’ve basically put your balls in a box and given them away to this woman, and now she’s controlling everything, including you. You don’t have any self-control. And that’s part of the reason why she’s staying away from you, is that she can tell you’re losing your shit over this. You are not a centered man, therefore, she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable with you, and so she keeps you at arm’s length.
We saw each other a month ago (April) and had great sex. She told me she wanted to take things slow, as she has to deal with her divorce.
Women help you when they like you, and she’s telling him what she needs. But he’s probably needy and neurotic, and he’s not listening, because he’s trying to force things. He’s focused on everything he feels for her and ignoring the fact that her emotions are all over the place like a yo-yo. One day she’s hot, the next day she’s cold. One day she wants to be with him, the next day she can’t handle it.
I figured a month has passed since we last saw each other, and that for me was “slow enough,” so I started pressing to see her. Lo and behold, she stopped communicating with me.
You can tell this guy is just constantly chasing after her. Every time he talks to her, he’s trying to convince her to spend more time together, and she goes, “Oh, I’m not ready. I need time. Let’s just talk some more on the phone.” And so, she’s basically in control of the relationship, because he’s not in control of his own emotions.
If she reaches out, he should chat for a few minutes and say, “Hey, I’d love to see you,” and ask her no more than two different times total. One time he asks her, and if she says “no” or “I don’t know. I’ll check my schedule,” then you say, “Hey, figure it out and get back to me,” just like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” The next time she reached out, same thing. And after that, after two times you’ve tried to get together and she won’t get together with you, then don’t bring it up anymore. Talk to her for a few minutes, say, “Hey, it’s great hearing your voice again. Glad to hear you doing well, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch. I’ll talk to you later.” And then you get off the phone.
The same thing with texting – a few texts back and forth, “Hey it’s great hearing from you. I’ve got to run. Talk to you later.” Or, “Hey, I’ve got an appointment I’ve got to head to. Have a great night,” “Have a great day,” whatever it happens to be, and never bring up getting together. And one of two things will happen; she’ll either bring up getting together and then you set a date, or she’ll stop contacting you.
But you have to recognize, if you’re going to get involved with somebody that’s going through a divorce – especially if it’s not an amicable divorce, it can drag on for years – emotions are going to be all over the place. You have to let women come to you at their pace. And especially when somebody stops communicating with you, they in essence have stopped because dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and they just stopped hitting it back. They stopped playing. They stopped participating in the game, if you will – the mating game, the dance of life, the salsa, whatever you want to call it.
The bottom line is, she’s no longer playing. So, if somebody doesn’t want to play with you anymore, guess what? You pack your shit and you go find somebody else to play with. And maybe she gets in touch with you in the future, maybe she doesn’t. The bottom line is you’re interested in playing tennis with somebody that will reciprocate. She stopped reciprocating, therefore, you walk away. You don’t call her or text her again for any reason. And so, because of that, and especially because she’s going through a divorce, 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing should be done by her.
As I talk about in the book, your job as a man in the courtship is to simply create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s it. Nothing about locking her down, or a relationship, or anything in there. That’s all you’ve got to do as the man. You can be the escape from her unpleasant divorce. So, any time she calls you, she gets great sex and romance and an escape from this horrible divorce, instead of you giving her grief about not spending enough time with you because you’re like a needy little boy.
I am dying here not knowing if we are still together or not.
Well, dude, you’re not together and you’re not in a relationship. You’re thinking like a chick. Again, hang out, have fun, hook up. It doesn’t say anything on there about “are we together, or not?” It’s not your job. That’s feminine energy. That’s the feminine imperative, if you will – bonding, nesting, all about opening up to receive love, commitments, dating, relationship labels. Your job is to just create the next opportunity for sex to happen.
Is she down to get together, or not? And if she’s not, “Alright. Call me if you change your mind. Call me when you figure out your schedule.” But again, you ask her no more than two times in a row when she reaches out. And if she won’t make plans, then you never bring it up again unless she brings it up first. And then you limit your contact on the phone. Part of the problem is you trained this girl that you’re basically available 24/7 to be the emotional tampon, to be her therapist, and that’s why you’re not seeing her.
I really like this girl, but the roller coaster of emotions is too much for me.
That’s another reason why she doesn’t want to see you. You can’t handle it. You don’t have any emotional self-control.
I do not like the hot and cold she is putting me through.
It’s not that she’s putting you through it. You’re an uncentered man who’s getting wrapped up in her emotions. I mean, how much sense does it make to go out and yell at the weather every day because you’re not happy with the weather? It’s completely pointless. You’re just going to wear yourself out. Love is allowing. If you hear from her, “Amazing to hear from you, babe,” and if you don’t, “Hey, I’m glad to have some peace and quiet in my life, for a change.” You’ve got to be okay with being alone. You’ve got to be okay with not hearing from her.
I have not dated for several years, as I focused on my kids (2 daughters) and my work. I have not been interested in any girl until I found out she was going through a divorce.
Plus, she’s unavailable. And, like I said, more than likely you should look inward and think about what your own upbringing was like. Did you get enough strokes as a kid, or were you constantly not getting enough love and attention, attaboys, “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” from your parents. And if you wanted love as a child and you didn’t get it, you tend to seek out and gravitate towards women who treat you the same way.
You want love, and they seem like they care about you, but something’s getting in the way. Obviously, in this case, a divorce. One of the things that Edgar Cayce said in his readings is, “you’re always meeting yourself.” It’s like, you have the chance to deal with your weaknesses and overcome them. And if you overcome them, you’ll be the kind of man you need to be, not only for her, but maybe somebody else.
She made me feel things I have not felt in a long time. My issue is she’s made me feel so happy, but she is also making me feel so depressed during times like this when she does not communicate.
She’s not making you feel anything. You’re choosing to assign negative meanings to what’s going on. Again, you’re getting wrapped up and upset about the weather when you really have no control over it, any more than you have any control over her own emotions. So, if she’s available and she wants to see you, that’s wonderful. And if she’s too busy, she’s got things going on, that’s okay too. Because you’re a free agent, and you should be meeting and dating other women.
Now, I know it only comes along every few years, when you meet somebody that pushes your buttons this way. And I believe that the reason for that is, I mean, if you fell in love with somebody new every day, we wouldn’t have any deep connections or deep relationships with anybody. And that’s why when somebody comes along that we really click with, we really want to invest the time, because it’s very rare when it does happen. But if you don’t chill out, you’re going to chase her right out of your life or get yourself perpetually friend zoned and blue balls.
I can’t sleep and it is impacting my work. I don’t know what to do.
Don’t do anything. You should be reading my book and meeting and dating other women, so you can practice meeting and dating other women. And if you have other options in your life, then when this woman disappears from your life, you’re going to be excited about the new possibilities. Because, at the end of the day, you need somebody who’s ready, willing, able and open to dating you. And she’s not. She’s going through a divorce. She’s still somebody else’s wife, in essence. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to be divorced any time soon, and it’s emotionally overwhelming. So, quite frankly, she’s not the greatest candidate.
You’re a good dude and you’re willing to give her a chance to win you over, but you’ve got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from here on out. You should never reach out first to her, ever. Let her come to you at her pace. And when she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and make a date. Don’t sit there spending two or three hours on the phone being her emotional tampon and then be shocked that she never wants to get together in person. Just don’t do it. Phones are for setting dates, not for getting to know somebody.
Should I just move on with my life and forget about her?
I wouldn’t say forget about her, but yeah, you should focus on your outcome. Your outcome is to find somebody who’s ready, willing, able and open to dating you, and this woman is not. She could be down the road, but you’re giving her the benefit of the doubt. At the end of the day, you want somebody that you can spend time with now.
And that’s why you should be doing everything you can to read the book, and get out there and get back in the game, and meet other women, so you can improve your skills. Because that’ll make you cockier, it’ll give you a little bit more swagger, and it’ll make you less inclined to sit on the phone forever being her emotional tampon and doing nothing but giving yourself blue balls. If she’s not willing to spend time with you, then you’re going to go spend your time with some other fair maiden. And then let her feel that, “Ooh, if I don’t do something, I’m going to lose this guy.”
I want to make things work…
Well, it takes two, and she’s not making the effort. And you smothering her is going to do nothing except drive her away and cause her to judge you as a needy, insecure, neurotic jackass.
…but I don’t know how and I am so confused.
Well, when you’re confused, it means you’re about to learn something. You’ve got to read the book, dude. There’s no way to get around it.
She told me she loves me but is treating me like shit. I don’t deserve this.
Again, you’re getting wrapped up in her emotions. You’re seeing the situation as better than it is. Ideally, you want to see things as they are, not better than they are or worse than they are. But in this case, you’re seeing the conditions of this interaction with this woman as way better than it is, instead of as it is. Really, she’s just kind of an occasional booty call. When she really misses you and is dying to see you, she’ll make time to get together, and you’ll hang out, you’ll have fun and you’ll hook up, just like the mug says.
I know you’re going to chew my ass out for things I am doing wrong. Can you help me?
Well, you’ve got to participate in your own rescue. I’m not coming to save you, your mommy’s not coming to save you, you’ve got to save yourself. You’ve got to take a step back, you’ve got to fill in your knowledge gap, and you’ve got to start acting like a man consistently. Because, as you said, you’ve got two little baby girls at home, and the last thing your little girls need is for their daddy to be acting like a big, giant fucking pussy and a mangina. They need to see you happy, and in love, and dating healthy women, not women that are an emotional roller coaster because they’re in the middle of a messy divorce.
You’ve got to think about your job as a man, and you’re not being the best dad and father that you can be if you’re losing your shit over some chick that’s, quite frankly, not available. She’s just an occasional booty call. And it’s nice of you to take her up, because why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
The reality is you’re kind of in control of this situation. But you’ve got to fill in your knowledge gaps, and you’ve got to get out there and get some other choices and some other options, so you can smooth out your neuroticism. Your daughters need that, because otherwise, your daughters are going to grow up and they’re going to go date a man that’s acting just like you. And I’m sure you don’t want that for your daughters, because it’ll drive them nuts.
If you can get your act together and be calm, cool, collected, like James Bond, they’re going to feel like Daddy’s got everything handled, always. And then when you finally bring a woman home to meet your girls, they can see what balanced, and healthy, and loving looks like. Because that’s what they need from you. And you’re totally capable of that, but you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. Nobody’s going to fix it for you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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