What you should do and what it possibly means when she comes back but ghosts you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 26-year-old viewer who started dating a 25-year-old nurse who originally had a boyfriend when they met. Months later, she became single and they started dating. At about week 8, she brought up “what are we?” in conversation, but it went over his head.
She later asked him about his body count and started displaying passive aggressive behavior, jerking him around and then left him on read after she texted him first, but she never responded after he answered. He asks if he should move on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is a good email because it shows what happens as you transition from pickup into dating skills, and then from dating into relationship. And so, in between dating skills and a relationship, he kind of fumbled the football a little bit. I could tell, just from her reaction, that she was expecting or was hoping to be in a relationship with him. He basically gave her the impression he was just sleeping around and she was one of the girls that he was sleeping with. And I don’t think he realized that, or even realizes it now.
And this is the importance of why I say, you’ve got to read 3% Man 10 to 15 times. You’ve got to learn the fundamentals, because otherwise you’re going to miss little cues here. I mean, even the thing that she said to him, it’s right in the book. This is one of the things that women say when they’re thinking about a relationship and they’re trying to figure out where you’re at. But it went right over his head and he missed it. He kept kind of goofing around and and kind of being playful and not really communicating with her in an adult manner, and it just went right over his head.
And so, things look like they have gone sideways, so the only way he’s going to be able to fix this is if he communicates with her effectively. There’s a video I did years ago called “How to Communicate With Women Effectively,” which he should definitely review, because he is missing some things here. So let’s see what we can do to potentially turn things around here. It’s obvious she’s kind of jerking him around now, and she said some something to him that was pretty mean and harsh, so it might not be salvageable.
And you know what, he might not want to salvage it, because what you’re also seeing is her lack of ability to communicate in a mature manner. Instead, she starts displaying passive aggressive behavior. So, it doesn’t mean that she’s the perfect girl, but at the end of the day, the guy is writing me and not the girl. And so, I’m giving critique to the guy, because that’s what he asks for.
I love the book! I am a 26-year-old police officer. I met a nurse who is 25 that I thought was cute at my former job at a hospital, but she had a boyfriend at the time. She became single in August, and we began going on dates once a week for a couple months, hanging out, having fun and hooking up.
Well, there’s two things there. She became single. I don’t know how long she was with her boyfriend, but it sounds like she went from being in a relationship with her boyfriend to hanging out with this guy. And if you’re seeing somebody for two months, yet you’re only seeing each other once per week, it’s either because her emotions are raw from the breakup, or you’re not doing things right.
Typically if you date two months, then usually right around week seven, women are in love. If you’re following what’s in the book, they’ll be in love with you… unless they’re a fruit loop. Again, this always presupposes that you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, not a fruit loop. But the book will bring out the worst in the worst really fast, and bring out the best in the best really fast, as well.
Eventually, we started seeing each other twice per week in October and this girl just blew my socks off. Around week 8, she started bringing up the “what are we?” question.
That is right out of the book. When a woman says, “What are we? Where is this going?” that means she’s fishing around. That means, on her mind is being in a relationship. But you should always ask, “What do you mean? Are you saying you want to be exclusive? You want to be boyfriend and girlfriend? You want to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship?” So, when women hint at things like that, your job as the man is to facilitate the conversation. Because, remember, we speak in different languages. Doc Love used to call it “womanese.” And if you’re a man, you’ve got to learn to speak womanese, or you’re going to have problems.
I told her that I really like spending time with her and that I like where things are going, but she didn’t tell me if she wanted to be exclusive or not, and I wasn’t going to bring it up first and let her bring up the idea.
Well, she did bring it up. That’s why it’s up to you to dig. Women aren’t going to just come right out usually and say, “Let’s be exclusive. Let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend.”
One day she wanted to talk to me about how she isn’t getting drunk and going to bars anymore. (This will continue later on in the email).
In mid-November, I set a date one day and told her, “I’ll see you on Friday at 7:00! Wear something cute, pick up a bottle of wine, and I’ll bring dinner!” We hung out that Friday night and she was looking so hot. We hooked up while making dinner together. After we ate and drank wine, we started getting it on again on the couch. When we were laying on the couch, my phone was sitting on the coffee table when a girl who I am not seeing called me. While we were laying there, watching TV, out of nowhere she says, “So how many other girls are you fucking?”
That’s a pattern interrupt type of question.
I almost spit my drink out, not expecting her blunt question. I asked her if she was jealous in a joking way and she told me that she wasn’t and said that she was “just worried about STDs”
Well, if she saw it, I would have said, “Hey, that’s just a friend of mine. You shouldn’t be jealous of her.”
Then she asked what my body count was.
Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. That is a question you should never, ever answer. I did a video on that, (one of the short form videos on Instagram with Caroline), a couple of months ago. Never, ever answer that question, because it’ll be used against you. Especially when things are going sideways, she’ll throw it in your face. “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. Why do you ask? What are your concerns, my love?” That’s what you should ask. Whoever is asking the questions is the one running the conversation. That’s what you need to remember. But this is why you read the book ten or 15 times, so these things pop right into your mind.
And I laughed and told her that I’m not telling her that. She said that I was being defensive, and she rolled over and went to sleep.
I would have said, “Well, why do you ask?” “Well, I’m worried about STDs.” “Are you saying you want to be exclusive?” You’ve got to ask the right questions. The quality of your relationship is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you ask each other.
I tried to spoon her and she said, “I’m trying to sleep” and sounded angry. She “slept” for 14 hours, which I took it as a sign she wanted me to leave, without directly telling me to, so I got dressed the next morning, kissed her on the head and when I walked out the door she said, “Be good.”
So, you’re laying there and you know she’s upset and you didn’t try to open her up. This is where the relationship part of the book comes in. But, again, I can understand your thinking like a robot, because that’s what guys do that only read the book once or twice and try to cherry pick videos. They’re like, “We’re not in a relationship, so those skills don’t apply.” But, obviously, she’s upset because she cares. She brought up the relationship thing, and he just kind of blew it off like he was still a free agent.
Two nights later she called me, we got to talking and she told me that she went to the bar and got really fucked up a few weeks back. I was confused because she told me that she didn’t want to get drunk anymore a few weeks prior, so I brought that up.
I’d be like, “So you fell off the wagon? What’s up with that? You told me you quit.” I would have said it in a joking way.
She told me that we’re not in a relationship and called me controlling.
I’m assuming, more than likely, he got a little angry and he wasn’t playful, just by her reaction. Because you mock the people you love, especially women, lovingly. You mock them lovingly. When she says she got drunk, it’s like, “Babe, what happened? Did you fall off the wagon? What’s up with that? You said you stopped. Controlling? I’m your Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor, babe. Just because I care about you. I’m here to hold you accountable.”
I told her, that I never said she can’t go to the bars, I just didn’t appreciate that she told me one thing, but her actions did another.
Yeah, it’s not a time to get angry. Love is playful and fun, not butt-hurt and serious.
Then, she brought up again about when she asked if I was fucking other girls. I replied with, “Well, usually when girls ask that, it means they want to be exclusive.” She goes, “With you? Oh god, honey, no. No offense, but I do NOT like you in a relationship way. We’re just fucking.”
That’s pretty harsh. She’s pissed, she’s angry, she’s hurt. I don’t know that she really means it that way. In other words, in her mind, she’s like, “Oh, you didn’t want to be exclusive with me, so we’re just fucking.”
I did not show it over the phone, but what she said really hurt like a motherfucker. I told her, “Well, let me know if you change your mind,” and we hung up the phone.
I wouldn’t have answered like that, dude. Again, this is where the communication skills come in, and I can tell that you didn’t read the book 10 to 15 times. And you’re not very familiar with “How to Communicate With Women Effectively.” There’s a video on it and an article. Look it up.
Two weeks passed of no contact and she reached out saying “Hey” out of nowhere one night.
A woman’s favorite pickup line, “Hey.” So much stock goes into that.
I was in the gym, so I replied an hour later after I was done, and then she left me on read. The next day, she posted on social media selfies and going out. Is she playing games with me by reaching out, then ghosting?
She’s big mad. She’s mad at you. Because women don’t get upset when they don’t care. When they do get upset, it means they do care. So, my impression based on what she brought up is she was hoping to be exclusive and you basically acted like you’re a fuckboy. You’re just there for the chocha. You’re not there for her.
Was I in the wrong for telling her I didn’t appreciate her lying to me about not wanting to get drunk anymore?
I would not have handled it that way. I wouldn’t have gotten angry.
Should I just move on?
Well, she left you on read, so what I would do is I would plan a date and I would say, “You know what you said the other night about ‘Oh, God, honey, no offense, but I do not like you in a relationship way. We’re just fucking.’ Do you really mean that? Do you really think that? Because a few months ago, you brought up ‘where is this going?’ And maybe I missed the cues, but it seems to me that you wanted something more than just fucking. But if you want to just fuck and you want to be fuckbuddies, we can talk about that, too.”
You’ve got to open her up, you’ve got to get her to tell you. Because right now, she’s pissed off and she’s hurt, so she’s kind of trying to needle you in ways to see if it bothers you, ways to see if you care. Because it seems like she cares, but she thinks you don’t care. This is what happens, man. I’ve said this countless times over the years; if you just focus on pickup and dating skills, when you get into situations like this and you’re trying to transition dating into a relationship, it’s like an absolute train wreck. It’s not a good way to go.
But if I were you, I would definitely get together. When she reaches out next, make another date, make dinner together. Bring up these conversations, bring up what she said in the past and feel her out. Just be honest, and you’ll be able to tell by her body language and physiology. You are in law enforcement, by the way, and you should have learned some of the basics about being able to tell when somebody’s bullshitting you or not, and see what she says.
Get her to open up, but do it with a smile on your face. Love is playful and fun. It’s not about being a dick. Don’t interrogate her like a criminal, but be playful and fun about it, so she feels safe and comfortable. Because it seems like what you’ve got here is kind of a big misunderstanding, because you missed the cues and then she’s mad and she’s hurt. But then again, it’s not loving to be passive aggressive, in all fairness here. The way she’s handling it, obviously, is not appropriate. But at the end of the day, she’s 25, you’re 26. You guys aren’t super experienced at communicating.
But, like I said, this email, one of the things I liked about it is you can see it’s failure to communicate, man. It’s like, you’re thinking one thing, she’s thinking something else, and you’re missing some cues. Because, at the end of the day, you’re the leader. You’re the guy that wrote me the email. You’re the only guy I can influence. Because, as far as I know, she ain’t watching these videos. So this video ain’t gonna do anything for her. But if I’m able to help you with it, then maybe you can patch things up.
But if I were you, you’ve got to read the book 10 to 15 times. There are no shortcuts to success. I see it in the phone sessions, too. I’ve done tens of thousands of phone sessions over the last 20 years I’ve been doing this, and I see the same patterns over and over and over and over again. Guys that struggle, they’re not reading the book. They read it once or twice a couple of years ago. And you wonder why you’re having trouble now. And then I listen to them, and they’re telling me all these things that are the opposite of what the book teaches. I point it out, and they’re like, “Oh, I forgot about that.” You’ve got to do “betterer.”
So, if you have a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Give women the freedom to follow through on plans and commitments with you, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne