She Canceled 2 Dates On Me, But Keeps Contacting Me. What Should I Do?

What you should do if she cancels dates but continues contacting you every few days after.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who made 2 consecutive dates with a former female coworker who recently broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. She canceled 2 dates in a row after their 1^st date. However, she keeps contacting him every few days. He’s unsure of what it means and what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “She Canceled 2 Dates On Me, But Keeps Contacting Me. What Should I Do?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy, he says I guess he started hanging out with a female coworker his that he used to work with, but she always had a boyfriend. He said they kind of stayed in touch on Skype over the years. And then at some point recently, she told him that she was single after breaking up with her boyfriend that she was with for, 4 or 5 years. So they had a first date and you could tell this guy’s not really super familiar with The Book and The Seduction Process.

He encountered a little bit of resistance, and then he went into White Knight, Mr. Respectful mode, and then just took a delay as an outright denial. So he stopped moving forward trying to seduce her. And then he says he made a few mistakes. And then the next two dates he set up with her she cancelled both of them. So now she keeps reaching out every couple of days, sending him memes, and texting him, and stuff like that. But now he’s like, “Well, she cancelled two dates. What the hell do I do?”

And so as I talk about it in 3% Man, if you’re going to get involved with a woman who just had a breakup, you have to understand, especially somebody who’s been with a guy for 5 years, she’s emotionally bonded to that guy, it’s going to take her time to heal and get over it. Typically 6 to 12 months at least. And so you should expect a lot of hot and cold behavior. And then you got to take into consideration it’s 75% of the time the women are the ones doing the breaking up and the dumping.

So there’s a 75% chance this guy got dumped, didn’t see it coming, doesn’t agree with being dumped and is trying to get back in there. And the fact that they got five years together and this guy basically had one date. He should kind of expect this behavior. The late, Great Doc Love said, “One chance, per girl, per lifetime.” Meaning you make a date, she cancels it on you for any reason, doesn’t offer a reschedule.

She’s out forever. Because as he put it, it’s like, well, if she gets away with disrespecting you like that, you should never give her another chance. But this is kind of a muddy situation here because they’ve known each other. She did admit she’s going through difficult times. She’s maybe just kind of suffering from remorse and loss over the breakup of her five year relationship. So let’s go through his email and see what we can see.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been watching your videos and am currently reading your 3% Man book. I wish I had discovered them earlier, as it would have helped me navigate a situation I’m in. Here’s what happened: I worked with a girl for a couple of years, and we were always friendly. She was cute, we had a lot in common, but she had a boyfriend at the time. They were together for about 4 or 5 years. Eventually, she moved to another team, and we stayed in touch occasionally over Skype. One day, I texted her about restaurants.

So you could tell he’s probably doing most of the initiating. Because he liked the girl, he wasn’t trying to be her friend. He’s just hoping to get his shot once she becomes single.

One day, I texted her about restaurants, and she mentioned she was single.

There you go.

I asked her out, and she said yes. We went out, and she invited me up to her place afterward.

And so when a woman invites you up to her place, it means she’s down for hooking up as long as you don’t talk her out of it. So this is where it’s really important to understand, “Two steps forward, one step back.” Most of the time, us guys are trying to go too fast to seduce a girl. And so just because you encounter resistance doesn’t mean you just give up and you don’t try anymore. You should just try and understand that what she’s really saying is that, “hey, you’re moving too fast, and I’m just getting a little uncomfortable.”

So you just pump the brakes, you slow down a little bit, you back off, you talk for 30 minutes or so. Then you start making out. Heavy kissing leads to heavy petting, and then you slowly start to undress her. And what you’ll notice is you take two steps forward, one step back each time you get a little further until she’s completely naked. And then obviously you’re inside her and hopefully you’re practicing safe sex.

At her place, she confided that her breakup had really hurt her, and she was reading self-help books to heal. We sat on the couch, and I initiated kissing her, but then stopped. She then kissed me back but said, “This is dangerous,” implying she wasn’t ready to get intimate.

So if she says something like that, you say, “Well, it’s fun and exciting. Makes life interesting.”

I backed off, and the rest of the night was spent just cuddling and talking.

So he took a delay as an outright denial. Because as I talk about in The Book, sex has got to be the guys fault. And if she’s still not over the ex and you’re hanging out and you’re having fun and you hook up with her, she can just say, “Oh, well, it just kind of happened. I couldn’t say no to him.” But if you just give up, well, then oftentimes you misinterpret a delay as an outright denial. A woman doesn’t want you to just give up trying to seduce her.

But if she’s not comfortable and not ready, she wants you to stop or slow down and back off and be cool with it and not get upset, or not get mad or butthurt, or pack your shit up and go home. But obviously he’s new to my work and it looks like all of this happened before he came across my Book, and now that he’s reading it, he’s starting to realize that if his game was a little tighter, he probably would have got to the promised Land.

Here’s where I think I messed up. I immediately started planning our next dates. She was on board, but when I texted her Sunday with small talk, she didn’t seem very responsive.

Well, the phone is for setting dates, so he probably just hadn’t spent enough time. Let’s see, what day was it? He doesn’t say when it was, but all we know is it was a couple days later, so maybe it was a Friday. Saturday night went out with her, so within a day or two he’s trying to set up the next date. It’s also possible that there is probably things he said and did that made himself look unattractive. Maybe a little weak, maybe a little dopey.

He’s probably carrying the torch for this girl for several years. That’s why he always stayed in touch. And if she’s thinking about the ex and you’re kind of dopey, and she can tell that you’re dopey about her, that usually will cause her to back off a little bit. So you should expect these things and not get upset, just recognize you got to slow your roll a little bit, not be in such a rush.

The next day, she sent me a “Happy Monday” text, but when I mentioned our date, she told me that she was attracted and interested in me, but closed off emotionally, but needed to work on her self esteem and depression due to her breakup. I told her I understood and suggested we take things slow.

He can say, “Well, hey, you know what? Let’s go out and have some fun and I can help you with your grief therapy. And if you play your cards right, maybe I’ll help you out with some rebound sex.” That’s something I would say in person to a girl like this. Not over text. It’s not a good idea to be trying to crack jokes over text with a girl that doesn’t get your sense of humor. Because if her interest isn’t super high and you put your foot in your mouth, that can be all it takes just to cause her to ghost and disappear and roll her eyes at you. So it’s better to say something like that in person. Plus it’s funny.

She agreed to a pizza and movie at my place date but mentioned again that it felt “dangerous.” The night before the date, she canceled the date, saying she wasn’t in a good mental space, but still sent me a “Happy Friday” text the next morning, followed by some really dumb small talk from her.

I would have just said, “Hey, no problem. Well, you know, reach out when you feel up to getting together, and then the next time she reaches out, you could try to set one more date. But you got to take into consideration the fact that she cancelled a date and just said, “Hey, I’m fucked up.” And so if she cancels date says she’s fucked up, she needs some time, then normally what you should do is just be responsive. Reply back. But if she’s texting you, maybe you send 2 or 3 replies Max, and you just say, “Hey, I got to run. I’ll talk to you later.” And just don’t ever bring up getting together again.

Because Doc Love’s contention was, that when a woman ditches you like this, and then you keep trying to go out with her, she’ll probably do it to you again, which is basically what happens here. So when a woman cancels a date and doesn’t try to reschedule, she just says basically she’s depressed she’s not in a good mental space, and then she keeps reaching out. I would let her, because again, she canceled a date and didn’t offer a reschedule. So in that case, what you should do is just never bring up getting together again until she brings it up first. And then if she calls you talk for 2 or 3 minutes, say, “Hey, it was nice hearing from you, but I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.”

And then just get off the phone, because one of two things will happen. She’ll either bring up getting together or she’ll stop contacting you. Because if she cancels a date, and then she reaches out a few days later, and then you immediately try to set another one. There’s a good chance she’ll cancel that date, too. So this way, if you wait for her to bring it up, that’s her noticing that you’re no longer moving forward. Your inaction is actually attractive to her, and then she’ll bring it up. But if you let her cancel a date without a reschedule, and then you’re immediately trying to set another one, you’re now inviting her to basically waste your time again.

Because if you don’t value your time, nobody else will either. And so your attitude should be kind of like what Doc Love’s attitude was, hey, “One chance per girl, per lifetime”, right? Well, the only way you’ll ask her out again is if she brings it up first. And at that point forward, when somebody cancels a date like that, you don’t keep texting them. You don’t keep reaching out.

You don’t keep trying to stay in touch. But again, this guy is brand new to my work. But this is a common kind of scenario here that guys come across. And they’re you’re going, “Well, she’s canceling dates, but yet she keeps reaching out. I was like, what the hell does this mean? Why is she doing that? It’s like she’s interested. But every time you try to set a date, she doesn’t want to get together.”

That Saturday night, she texted to say she was thinking about me, which confused me.

Well, if she texts you on Saturday night and says, “Hey, I’m thinking about you.” If it’s after 7:00 at night, then text her back the next day, and I would just “heart” that message. But he didn’t know any better,

I then suggested we go on activity date (indoor rock climbing) instead of the pizza and movie plan. She enthusiastically agreed but canceled again the night before, citing her mental health.

Again, that’s why you don’t, unless if she cancels a date but offers a reschedule, then that’s fine. But when she just cancels a date and says, “I’m not in the right headspace”, then you don’t keep asking her to make dates. Because you’re communicating it’s okay to waste your time and blow you off, and therefore you’re inviting her to do it to you again. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Because you want her to get to the point where she notices you’re kind of busy. You’re not as willing to and you’re taking longer to reply to her messages. Your messages are shorter. You spend less time on the phone, and it’s almost like you’re trying to get away from her at this point.

And usually if you’re doing that, you’re trying to be polite, but you met somebody else, and so she can feel that, and there’s still actually some interest on her part, she’ll bring up getting together or she’ll just disappear altogether. But when you immediately ask her out again, then she just knows she can basically jerk you around, treat you like a doormat and you’ll keep coming back for a second, third, fourth and fifth helping of cancelled dates at the last minute. Again, the last one was the night before. She just said the same thing, “I’m not in the right headspace.” Again, that’s exactly why you don’t keep asking her out.

After that, I stopped asking her out and texting, but she kept texting me occasionally, often sending random, odd things like a video of her noisy blender or a pot of soup she made, with a strange comment about it being good for making you shit (her words). I replied sarcastically to her soup text with, “That is the hottest thing I’ve read all day.”

So he’s still showing a little too much eagerness to engage with her and send bullshit texts again. If she’s just sending you a comment or “hey”, here’s my blender or whatever, I would just “heart” the message. Because when you do that, that just basically says, I acknowledge your message, but I’m not going to really do anything with that. Because again, this woman’s canceled twice, so why would you want to jump through your butt to get a third helping of a canceled date?

She replied, “Glad I could do that for you, have a great night.” I replied with “Yeah thanks for that sexy image, have a great night as well.” She hasn’t texted me since, and it’s been a week. So, I’m left wondering: Is she done? I am definitely not texting her again.

Well, the fact that she’s still reaching out, she’s stirring the pot, trying to see that you’re still on the hook. There’s also a good chance the ex is in the background, and that may have been the real reason why she cancelled the date, is because maybe she got together for a booty call with the ex. That’s why you got to stop moving forward when, he should have stopped moving forward after the first cancelled date, but obviously he didn’t know any better.

So he sends an update, which this particular email came in about two weeks after the first.

Update 2 weeks later.

Hey Coach,

I wanted to follow up on this. I went no contact after the events of my last email. She texted me almost 3 weeks later on a Friday morning. It was some silly funny meme. I just laughed and said those are good. I still followed what teach and didn’t reach out to her. She just texted me again today (Tuesday) and said, “Today is taco Tuesday!”. I replied that I got some good tacos last week at a place we both like. She said, “I am considering going there”. I thought this was her way of getting me to invite her out.

Again. You should not be inviting her out. You should be looking at what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Again she’s got to bring it up at this point because she’s cancelled two dates on you.

Our very first date, she kind of teed up me asking her out, which she said yes to, so I thought that’s what she was doing again.

Nope. You misread the situation.

So when she said that, I replied, “well I know it’s not a Tuesday, but we can go Thursday night”. She just replied with, “I am going to get it today”, and she made a laughing emoji. Then she started talking about Government return to work mandates. Why is she texting me?

Well, because you’re kind of a sucker and you don’t know any better. And she likes the attention. But you definitely should not have brought up, you should never bring up getting together. She must bring it up first. And I’m not talking about a, “Hey, I’m going to go get tacos.” She’s got to say, “Hey, we should get together. Hey, we should get tacos together.” Or, “Hey, let’s get together and watch that movie.” Or, “Hey, I’d love to see you.” You got to let her bring up getting together. Not her just saying, “Oh, hey, I’m going to go get tacos”, and then you just assume that that means that she wants you to go along with her.

You got to make her work for it. Especially when she’s dicked you around and cancelled two dates on you and wasted your time. In that case, you should take a step back and look at the totality of the situation, which is she just had a breakup. She’s reiterated it multiple times. She’s not a good head space. She’s got depression. She’s basically told you she’s not a good person to date right now. And on top of that, she’s canceled the last two dates you tried to set. And then when you try to set a third one, she didn’t bite. So stop fucking asking her out, dude. It’s totally counterproductive. Makes you look like a chump and makes you look like you don’t value your time at all.

Women like a guy that’s a challenge. And if you love and value yourself and you have plenty of choices and plenty of options, you’re not going to keep trying to make dates with a girl that constantly cancels on you. You’re going to be nice. You’re going to be polite. You’ll respond when it’s convenient, but if she sends you a meme, you’ll heart it. If she sends you a text but is not indicating she wants to get together or anything, just heart the message. Don’t get involved in a back and forth. It’s just not even worth it. You want her to feel like, “he doesn’t seem to be as interested. He’s not asking me out anymore.

It almost seems like he’s trying to leave the conversation as soon as I try to start one with him.” That’s the kind of thing that causes her to become unsure of where she stands with you, and to be a little more bold, and to be a little more aggressive, and to make more of an effort to get your attention. And that’s what you want. Because if she brings up to getting together and then you make a date and you should be inviting her over to make dinner at your place, and you shouldn’t be willing to go anywhere, you shouldn’t be inviting her to go out for Taco Tuesday or Taco Thursday or whatever at all.

As 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says she’s got to come to you. She has to come to your place to make dinner at least three dates in a row. And as long as you hook up all three dates, then you can meet her out and pick her up after that. But you got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. This guy is kind of slowed down a little bit, but he’s still he’s looking for any little indication that she’s interested so he can try to make another date and then get jerked around.

So stop asking her out, dude. You got to let her bring it up and let her bring it up specifically, explicitly have some self-respect, dude. She wasted two evenings of yours, canceling dates at the last minute, so don’t be jumping through your butt to try to give an opportunity to somebody that is treating you this way.

Why is she texting me? I am definitely not asking her out again after this. Also, I know for a fact she isn’t dating anyone else or trying to. In my previous email I explained how she is trying to fix her self esteem and depression after getting dumped and trying to “find herself”. Could she really be telling the truth about all that and it’s really not anything I did wrong?

Bob

Well, your game is kind of sloppy and I pointed that out. You’re doing things. Because you’re not valuing your time, which is a big part of it. You’re just desperate to get her attention and desperate to get her to spend time with you. And you’re completely ignoring the fact that she’s blown you off twice at the last minute. So at this point, stop asking her out and don’t be using her indirect talking about things she’s doing, and assume that she wants to do them with you because you tried that and she just blew it off. So make her ask you out. And again, one of two things will happen.

She’ll either stop messaging you or she’ll bring it up, and then you’ll get together at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up. The Book is only going to help you if you actually do the things that it suggests, and also following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Because you keep claiming you’re going to disengage, but yet you’re still not disengaging. You’re still looking for any excuse because it’s like you’re desperate to get her out on a date. Don’t go take her out. Don’t meet her out. Don’t go to her place. She must come to your place.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you guys haven’t already signed up for our Paying Exclusive Members Only Content in the video description of this video, there are links where you can join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or the Website. UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. The link is also in the video description. And on our Website you’ll also get the Email Analysis that goes along with these Video Coaching Newsletters.

Plus, you can do a seven day free trial and check out what kind of content you get for your money. And at the end of the seven day free trial, if you choose an annual plan, you get a 25% discount for paying the whole year’s premium up front. There’s hundreds and hundreds of Video Newsletters and classes on 3% Man and Mastering Yourself. And Viewer Questions Podcasts. There’s a lot of Members Only Content that you’ll instantly get access to. If you guys haven’t started reading 3% Man first, I highly suggest that you start with that.

You can go to UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the free email newsletter and The Book (link for 3% Man is Free to Read here) will open up right in your web browser. And if you’re ready to sign up and do a free trial on the Paying Members Only Content, you can do that as well. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. After you’ve done your created your free account and do a seven day free trial. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.