She Doesn’t Know If I’m The One & Might Move Away

What it means when your girl says she doesn’t know if you are “the one” and might move away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter titled, “When She’s Unsure Of Your Interest or Fears You Don’t Care”. His girlfriend recently broke down and started crying that she is not sure he is the one for her. She also might move away and he is foolishly considering moving with her, despite her low interest and the fact he’s more into her than she is into him.

It’s obvious that he has given his power away and is making her the leader in the relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who I did a email in the past from him called,”When She’s Unsure Of Your Interest or Fears You Don’t Care.” After that, things got a little better for a while. Recently, she broke down and started crying, says she’s not sure he’s the one for her. Even some of her family remarked that, “Yeah, you guys don’t really seem like you’re that in love with each other.” There’s like, no deep passion for one another. She also might move away, and this guy’s actually considering it.

It’s pretty clear that he’s giving all of his power away and the relationship, and no fear of losing him. She’s not super into this guy, probably because he’s still not applying what’s in the book properly, because if he’s thinking about uprooting his life and moving to another state for a girl, I’m not sure that you’re the one.

It’s clear he’s worried about losing her. He’s coming from a place of fear, and that’s not where you want it to be. I’ve done countless emails and especially phone sessions over the years, I’ve had dudes that have moved countries to be with women. They met and started dating and worked at the same company. After like a two year ordeal, to sell their houses and liquidate their assets and then transfer, they get all the way to the new country and they’re there for like a week or two. Then the girl dumps them and then immediately starts sleeping with some other guy in the office.

Can you imagine that? You sell your house, you sell your most of your possessions, your art, things you don’t need. You move continents to be with a girl, and you’re there for two weeks and she’s like, “Yeah, I’m just not feeling it,” and then breaks up and then starts fucking somebody else from the same office. That’s not good.

So I got an email from a guy. It’s clear that the girl knows that he’s way more into her than she is into him, and you can’t negotiate interest. You have to display attractive qualities and give women the space to fall in love with you, to pursue you, and to try to convince you to be their boyfriend. When you don’t do that, you end up like this guy.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

Sending a follow-up from last year called “When She’s Unsure Of Your Interest or Fears You Don’t Care.”

I wrote before about my younger girlfriend who was upset about me not saying, “I love you,” enough and not initiating sex enough. She wanted to move to the east coast to be closer to family. Things progressed positively at first but quickly went sideways.

Well, the only reason you should be considering moving with her anywhere is because you really want to live in that city, not because you’re afraid of losing your girlfriend. So you’re like, “Well, I better go with her because I don’t want to lose her.”

Like I said, if you’re you’re pursuing her and chasing after her like that, what happens when she moves back home is then she dumps your ass, and now you’re in a city and you don’t know anybody but her. Then what happens is the guys move back and try to pick up their life again.

First, we introduced each other to our families like we agreed and both experiences went very positively. Her mother especially liked me. Her lease was up in April which was fast approaching so one day she started crying about leaving me and she revealed that moving in April wasn’t necessary anymore and there was no rush to go to the east coast.

Obviously, she wasn’t really ready to let you go.

Soon after that she brought up moving in together, so we started looking for a rental house. Everything seemed to be heading in the right direction…

I continued to date her once a week but with moving into a house meant some monotony got in the way sometimes and less mystery.

Well, if you’re dating somebody for that long and you’re still only getting together once, once a week, it’s clear she’s not that into you. So I would say this guy is projecting his high interest onto her and ignoring the fact that she’s just not into it, not feeling that. Obviously, as we get further in the email, there’s other people that know her and know him and can tell that there’s there’s a lack of fire and passion there.

Within only a few months, she was crying after going to a friend’s wedding saying, “She doesn’t know if I’m the one,” and that there, “Is no spark between us…”

Not good.

…And, “Sometimes she thinks it would be fun to be single again.”

Yeah, there’s a definite lack of interest. I would say there are things in the book that he’s not doing and not following, because when you spend this much time with a girl, you can’t project your high interest onto another girl and violate all the principles in the book and then be shocked that her pussy’s drier in a haunted house in the Sahara Desert.

I took this to mean I wasn’t dating her enough, so I calmed her down and I set up the next date immediately and she calmed down.

I started being introduced to her friends, but they typically want to party and play beer pong. I would join the parties but frankly I didn’t like some of her friends or that lifestyle so I’d half ass it. Or if it were her girlfriends, I’d stay in my man cave. She would get upset that I seem grumpy and wouldn’t interact with them.

Yeah, her friends are kind of douche bags. Do you really want to hang out with a bunch of douche canoes? Probably not.

So, I’d do my best to talk with them more during other opportunities and she noticed, but sometimes I just wouldn’t be into it and would fall back into my “grumpy” ways.

Yeah, he should be going and doing things that you don’t really want it to do because your girlfriend can tell, so you’re just being a pleaser at this point.

This resulted in a few fights, and I always opened her up, but she felt like she had to “prepare me” before I met her friends because I was inconsistent.

Yeah, if you’re not really down with those things and let her go do those things with her friends…

When we moved in, she said she was only staying in Minnesota for a year and would occasionally insist this was still the case.

Yeah, when her interest is low, she’s like, “Hey, I want you to know I’m out of here. I’m not that into it.”

I wouldn’t get upset by this however, but I started noticing she wouldn’t include me in those plans. It was always “I” or “me” instead of “we.” I would ignore this at first, but she started looking for a new job in New York and got to the last interview with a company with positive feedback.

I made it very clear that I was open to moving to the east coast but not NY. So, at this point I felt like I had to ask about it. I told her she’s knowingly going where she knows I didn’t want to live and that that would mean a breakup.

Well, at least you’re standing up for yourself.

She told me again that she doesn’t feel like there’s a spark so I told her I loved her a lot and she felt like the first girl I could be with long term, but whatever she chooses I won’t stop her from being with her family, I’ll be fine if she moves on. A week later she casually brings up that she took herself out of the running for that job and stopped looking all together.

Look at that. Look what happens when you act like a man. You say, “Yeah, I’m not down with moving to New York.” So what happened? She stayed.

She asked me this Thanksgiving to go home to meet the rest of her family. The trip went very well. I got along with everyone, kept chipper and inquisitive but apparently afterwards her brother and sister told her that I was a great guy, but it didn’t seem like we were in love. She didn’t like PDA in general…

She just doesn’t like PDA from you.

…Sometimes even would tell me to stop so I kept my distance during this trip, but she would often hug and kiss me around the corner or say “I love you”, never in front of her family. She was always very cuddly and sweet when we were alone.

Yeah, that’s because more than likely, what she’s telling her family is different than how she’s behaving. Maybe she’s been telling them all along that she’s not that into you. Yet, when you told her you’re not interested in moving to New York, she respected you because you stood up to her and acted like a man and said, “I’m not going to New York. If you’re going to go, then you’re going to go without me, and that would mean the end of our relationship.”

Yesterday she brought up how to bring your dog on a plane but again made it sound like it was only her moving. I said, “If we’re going to the east coast in five months, we really need to start planning this now.”

Do you really want to live in the east coast, dude? Or are you just doing it to please her? If I was a betting man, I’m in Las Vegas, black or red, he’s just going along with it because he’s afraid of losing her. Do you like where you live? Then that’s where you should stay. If you don’t, then be open to moving somewhere else, but don’t just move somewhere because she wants to go there and you’re afraid of losing her.

She said she didn’t want to pressure me into going to the east coast so she should go alone. So I said, “If you’re planning to go to the east coast alone, that means you’re saying you want to break up.”

Pretty obvious.

She started crying saying more of the same things like “I don’t say I love you enough”, “She doesn’t think there’s a spark like her siblings”, she also has had an increase in anxiety and panic attacks since moving in and being alone would help because she feels too dependent on me.

It means she has low interest in you, dude. That’s what it means. There is a chapter in the book, it says it’s all in numbers. It goes right through all of the attraction level and how to tell where she’s at and when everybody around her is going, yeah, there’s no fire between you guys.

She’s even telling you, “Yeah, there’s something missing. There’s no spark,” that means she’s not that into you. You’re delusional for it. Yeah, it sounds like she’s just going along with it because she’d rather have you in her life than be single, but she’s not super into you. That’s the reality.

She insisted there was nothing I was doing “wrong” and that she was happy with me; she just needs to be alone for a while.

Yeah, this is a woman that doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

I remained calm and rational but insisted she can’t lead me on for five months.

Well, you’re kind of being a bitch and going along with it because you don’t really want to move there. The only reason you’re even considering it, because you’re afraid of losing this girl who’s obviously not that into you.

I brought up we have two beds, and I wouldn’t be a dick to her. We can co-habitate until she leaves but it didn’t make sense to me to pretend to be together for five months. At this point, she was very upset. I left for the gym to clear my head but after 45 minutes she wanted me to come home. 

I went back and she was affectionate and had called her mom. Her mom said we shouldn’t make any brash decisions and my girlfriend said she didn’t want to break up “now” she wanted to wait until February to decide.

Because it’s all based on how she feels. Women don’t care what a great guy you are, they only care about how they feel about you. If you notice when you act like a man and you’re like, “Well, if you’re not feeling it and you should go.” Then she changes her attitude. You see how that works?

Women have to know that if they push you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. That’s why when you’re willing to let her go, her attitude changes. See how attraction works.

She also said maybe we could get separate apartments at first in Boston.

Dude, if you’re going to move to Boston, Massachusetts, and then get separate apartments, what she’s really saying is, “I want a monkey branch. I want to hold on to you while I look for other men.” Then meanwhile, you’re in a city that you don’t know anybody and you don’t want to be there, but yet you’re going along with it to please her. Boston’s cold. Colder than a witch’s titty.

I asked her if she’s just saying this to avoid an awkward five months because it just sounded like asking me to willingly be led on.

Well dude, if you’re not interested in moving to Boston, grow a set of balls and just say, “I’m not moving to Boston.”

You need to live as a man where you want to live, and right now you’re jumping through your butt trying to please this girl because you’re afraid of losing her. That’s pathetic and weak, and that’s why it has a negative effect on our attraction, because deep down, she can feel that you’re not into it.

She said no and grabbed my hand saying she wasn’t in a good headspace because her period was late for a few days and felt like she shouldn’t make big decisions with all the anxiety. We kissed and I think she felt like everything was back to normal, but I had to process everything, so I went back to the gym.

When I came back, I said, “I can’t put my life on hold after the earlier conversation” at this point I want to be with her but if she plans to move to Boston without me then I have to take it at face value and prepare to go separate ways once the lease is up, as far as I’m concerned I’m staying in Minnesota.

Well, as a man, if that’s where you really want to live, then you need to stay there. You only leave Minnesota because there’s a better place to live, not because you’re hoping to keep your girlfriend with low interest in your life.

I told her before I wanted to look for a house but the move sort of put that on hold. After our talk I’m going to start looking now in Minnesota.

Now you’re talking. This is what a man does. He does his own thing.

I’ll still take her on dates to be cordial and because I love her but at this point, she’ll have to show me she wants to be together with actions, as far as I’m concerned if she takes more steps towards Boston, I’ll take more steps towards moving on.

Well, you should do what you want to do instead of always reacting to how your girlfriend shows up. That’s your problem. You keep putting her in charge of your relationship and that’s why she doesn’t respect you.

Today she’s acting like everything is as it was, bubbly and was excited when I mentioned I had the dates wrong on a prior engagement and was able to have dinner on our actual anniversary (December 1st). She literally gasped and smiled. Giving me more attention than usual and has said, “I love you,” three times already.

I genuinely don’t understand what to think of this.

Well, this is all laid out in the book, dude. When you act like a man, your girl feels attractive. When you act like a bitch and you make her the man, she gets turned off tells me you need to refresh in the book because you don’t get it. You’re not able to see what’s going on.

This is so obvious to see here, but if you’re constantly putting her in charge and making her the man in the relationship, that’s why she vacillates. That’s why she says, “Oh, I’m going to potentially move to New York,” when you’re like, “I’m staying here.” She’s like, “OK, I’m staying here.” You need to be the leader consistently, dude. Instead of vacillating back and forth between being a floppy, floppy cock and being a man. Simple as that.

I feel like she doesn’t want to grow up…

No, you need to grow up and be a man consistently. That’s what’s going on here.

…Or has a fear of rejection because I don’t say, “I love you,” enough.

What’s really going on dude, is she’s losing attraction for you. When you act like a man, she’s really attracted, so it’s pretty clear, but you can’t see it because I don’t think you know the book very well, because these things are obvious and I’m sure they’re obvious to the people watching the video.

You act like a man. All of a sudden she becomes attracted, submits to you, and is super excited when you act like a bitch and you put her in charge of the relationship, then she gets turned off like, “Well, we need to decide this move now.” Dude, you shouldn’t be considering moving because it’s obvious you’re not excited about any of the places she’s suggesting.

Every time we move in the direction of settling down even when it’s her decision she gets freaked out and after we talk, she acts bubbly and adorable again.

No, it has to do with you acting like a man and standing up for yourself. That’s what turns a woman on and makes her feel safe. When you act like a bitch and you put her in charge, you’re like, “OK mommy, I will follow you at the bottom because I’m a good little boy. I want to treat now.“

If she did leave for Boston, I feel like she’d be crying the very first night she was alone missing me. Any insights would be helpful.

Love what you’re doing.

Act like a man consistently. Love what you’re doing.

Keep on keeping on Corey,

Bob

Well, the book is not going to help you if you don’t apply it properly, and he didn’t say anything about reading the book 10 to 15 times. So that tells me he’s probably just cherry picking in videos and half assing it. That’s why he’s getting half ass attraction from his girlfriend. I see it all the time.

You got to read the book 10 to 15 times, so it becomes instinctual. You’re not listening. It’s like when things go sideways, you’re looking for the perfect video so you can copy and paste a line that you hear in it to her, and you’re getting bamboozled.

It’s so obvious what’s going on here, but what you need to do is you need to act consistently like a man and like the leader in the relationship. So her attraction to you becomes consistent and it actually goes up. The reason it’s just flat lining between, “I’m going to leave you and move away,” and “Oh, I’m going to stay,” is because you’re vacillating back and forth between being a man and being a bitch, and you’re unable to recognize it because quite frankly, after reading your email, you don’t know what to look for because you don’t know the book. Maybe you never even read it.

You know, these questions that you’re asking, the way you’re behaving, you cannot make your woman your mommy or put her in charge of the relationship. It will turn her off.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.