What you should do if you’re dating a recently single woman who seems to have many other male orbiters in the background, or she found another guy that she seems to like more than you, so she chooses you over all others.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who is twenty-nine who started dating a twenty year old woman literally the same day that she broke up with her boyfriend. He admits he became too attached too soon, and became needy and clingy. By the time he backed off, she had already found another guy. He wants to know what he can do to re-attract her, because he says he’s now in love with her. She tells him she is confused, was in love with him initially, and that he is the perfect guy. She is away for a few months for her career, but he really wants another chance when she comes back home. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
First of all, I want to say thanks for making all those awesome videos you’re making. I have followed you for quite some time now, and I’m trying to follow your advice, but now I really need some help.
I am 29, from Denmark, and she is 20. I have known her for about 3 months, and we’ve dated for almost 2. I know her ex from business relations. (You’ve got to keep in mind that this girl is pretty young and doesn’t have tons of experience, and you really can’t pressure a young, beautiful girl who’s got lots of options, because it’s just too easy to bounce right on to the next guy. When you have lots of choices and options, you basically have the paradox of choice. Where a woman is concerned, if she’s got 10 guys and she likes all of them about the same, she’s going to pull away and test to see who the strong ones are. If you go slow and take your time, the other guys will knock themselves right out of the equation, and she’ll become more curious about you, because you’re not behaving like all the rest of the dudes are.)
The whole situation started when I was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and was on the speaker when she was sitting in his car and heard that I was having a business meeting close to her school the day before the weekend, which is about 4 hours from her home and mine too. I know she has seen pictures of me, but we had never met before, and the day after, her boyfriend told me she wanted him to ask if it was possible for me to take her with me on the drive home after the meeting, which I agreed to, but wasn’t thinking anything more about that.
THEN it came to the day I picked her up, and WOW, she was the most beautiful girl, and I was quite surprised. Anyway, we packed the car and went on the 3-4 hours trip home, and everything just clicked. We had a great time with a lot of laughing, and then it all started. Two weeks after our drive together, we were at the same Christmas party, and I really had a good eye to her, but wasn’t sure what to do since her boyfriend was also there, so I did nothing. (Well that’s the smart thing to do. You don’t want to be ripping off some other dude’s girlfriend. If she’s going to do him in, then step back and let that all happen.)
When it got later into the night, they ended up fighting again. It went so badly that they actually broke up that night, and she was really having a bad time. (The universe brought you two together right when that relationship was coming apart. I will say, you’ve got to be very cautious about this particular girl, because you don’t know what she’s really like. You don’t know if she’s a loyal person. You definitely want to keep your eyes open if you’re dating somebody like this to make sure they’re not still hooking up with and dating the ex in the background.)
When everybody was planning to leave, I asked how she was getting home, which she didn’t know at this point, so I offered to drive her home in the taxi I was waiting for, and she said yes. When we finally got in the cab, I told him to go to her address, but then the surprising thing happened. She suggested to just go home with me. NOTE: we were both a bit drunk at this point, but I said sure, and we ended up having sex that night at my place.
When we woke up the next day, I was really afraid that she would regret what happened, but instead, we were having amazing sex again that morning and ate breakfast before I drove her home to her place.
Here’s where the crazy part started… Of course her ex found out what happened, and he was quite aggressive on messages and the phone to her afterwards, and then she told me we should stop seeing each other while her ex was like this and try to calm him down. (That’s a good sign. What she’s basically saying is, I’m not sure this is going to end, so let’s not see each other for a while. The proper response is, give me a call if it doesn’t work out.) I agreed and told her to get in touch when she was ready. (This is what happens when you’re prepared.)
Four days after, she was writing to me, and we set up a date, which went great. Everything was just as good as first time, and then we started to see each other regularly. When it came close to New Years Eve, I asked if she wanted to spend it with me, and she said yes. I planned a surprise weekend at a wellness/spa hotel with the whole New Year package, we had the most amazing weekend together and the feelings started to grow. (That’s a kind of expensive thing to do for a girl you’re just starting to see, who just broke up with her boyfriend. Don’t empty your bank account on one date like that. It’s not necessary.)
I met her family a couple of times, and she has met mine in the time after. Everything seemed pretty perfect, but then it started. I was getting much too needy and greedy, was starting to talk about us being exclusive/committed. (That’s why I say to read my book 10-15 times, because you start getting some success, and then you revert back to the old behavior. If you start violating principles, you start displaying weakness, neediness, pursuing too much instead of letting her come to you, you actually get in the way of her falling in love with you.)
She told me that she wasn’t sure if she was there and of what she really wanted, because she didn’t have this “break/single time” after her ex, and she felt like she wished she had meet some jerks before she had met the sweet one, her words. (What she’s saying there indirectly is, slow down, back your shit up, let me come to you. You’re guilty of trying to force things.)
Now the problem comes, because she was going on a 2 1/2 months trip to LA for some work to support her education. We talked about how to handle this, and it ended up with a break while she is away and then we would see what happens when she gets back, but she wanted us to keep in touch in the meantime. (In other words, she wanted you to be in backup position. That’s what happens when you over-pursue and start focusing on relationship, and then boom! She bounces on you.)
The 2 first weeks went all right, we talked every day and even had Skype sex, yes a bit weird, but it worked. Then suddenly the contact changed. We could easily go days before contact, and often I was the one who started. (Now you’re driving her away. You’re acting like a needy and insecure little girl. You were this confident, mysterious guy that she had to work for in the beginning, and now you’re literally throwing yourself at her.)
Then I got suspicious and tried your advice about the waiting game. (It’s not the waiting game. This tells me you don’t know the fundamentals in the book well enough. You studied it, got a little cocky and got a little full of yourself.)
Finally after 7 days, I heard from her on a text, BUT it was because she felt she wanted to tell me that she had meet a guy she liked. (Women in a position like this have emotions all over the place. What happened is, you displayed too much weakness and beta male tendencies and were too insecure. She’s looking for a man. She’s looking for a guy who’s the rock, who’s the fucking mountain, who is unshakable, and you became a big floppy cock my friend.)
I told her that it really makes me sad, but I kind of felt that there was something happening. (Now you’re being a little too sappy. I would have just said, “Cool. Well, give me a call if it doesn’t work out. Give me a call when you’re back to town.”) I told her that she knew that I was in love with her, and if she ended up changing her mind, then I hoped she would give me a call.(That’s what you say to your girlfriend, or after she says she’s in love with you. Her feelings are just not there because you’re trying to force it. What’s driving you to force it is, you’re afraid she’s not going to like you or want to be with you. You’re acting in a way that’s subconsciously communicating to her, “You’re not going to like me. I’m not good for you.”)
She asked if I wanted to talk it, and I said yes, sure. (I would have said, “No, it’s okay. You’re dating somebody else. Good luck with it. If it doesn’t work out, give me a call when you get back in town. That shows strength and non-attachment. You’ve got to love in such a way that the other person feels free, like Thich Nhat Hanh said. What you’re doing is smothering this girl, and you’re literally driving her into the arms of another guy.)
We talked about 1 hour, and I was really struggling about being positive and not crying in front of her on the phone, but I told her I wasn’t surprised that some other guy was interested in her, because she was absolutely beautiful and had a great personality, so of course this happened.
She told me she also was in love with me when we were seeing each other and of course was missing me, and I could still text her and maybe we could meet when she came home again. (You’re not establishing yourself as a high-value male. You’re establishing yourself as this guy who’s desperate. It’s not attractive. People value what they have to work for, and you’re making it too easy.)
I told her that I didn’t know about the texting, she could always give me a call if she changed her mind, but if she wanted to see me again, then she knew where I stand, and I couldn’t be her friend, so if she wanted to see me again, then it was because we should see where things could lead us. (That was smart. You did the right thing. This tells me you were probably reviewing my article and video “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” but if you were prepared, you would have read my book 10-15 times.)
I know she is having a hard time with the family she is living with in LA, (It’s not your job to be her therapist. You want a girl who’s happy, whole, complete and has her shit together), so here comes my question… Is she dumping me for good, or is this guy a way to feel less alone and her way to handle this situation while we are having a break? (She’s definitely on the rebound, but what really happened is, you talked her out of liking you. You literally chased her right out of your life and into the arms of another guy. If you had been letting her come to you, if she’s pursing you, it’s her idea to talk and to reach out. She talks and reaches out when she misses you, but you never gave her a chance to miss you, because you were throwing yourself at her.)
Is there any change for me to get her back? (Flip a coin. It could go either way.) My plan is just to wait and see if she contacts me again, maybe when we get closer to the arrival day on the 28th of March, 2017. (It’s not to see if she contacts you again. It’s to focus on your life, to read the book 10-15 times and keep trying to improve your skills. If she gets in touch, great. It’s an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up.)
I really don’t know how to handle this situation in the best way. (The best way to handle it is to do absolutely nothing. This girl needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. When she comes back, invite her over to your place to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun, hook up. She’s got to come to your place at least three dates in a row, and have fun and hook up. If she does that, then you can start picking her up. From this point forward, 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing must be done by her. There’s no reason, when a woman is starting to pursue you like she was, to continue calling and texting. It actually gets in the way of her developing feelings for you. When she’s away from you, she starts to wonder about you, think about you and feels your strength and your ability to live your life, regardless of what she’s doing or not doing.)
I’ve been with plenty girls before her, but she is really something special, and I hope I can do things right and hopefully get her back. (She was so ‘special’ that she went from her boyfriend, to you, to some other dude. Come on. You’ve got to look at the way she’s treating you. She treated you like a second class citizen. If she wants to see you again, because you’re special and awesome and amazing, she’s going to have to reach out to you.)
Thanks a lot!
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Scarcity creates value. Anything that is rare is more coveted than something that is abundant. Your time is the greatest gift that you can give anyone. Never give away or offer your time to those who do not appreciate, cherish and value it. Let go of those who are indecisive or unenthusiastic about spending time with you. Go where you are wanted, invited and welcomed. If you can’t find what you are looking for, then create the right circumstances so those who are like minded will be drawn to the space you make to co-create with you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Click Anywhere on Today's Instagram Image Below & You'll Be Taken To My Instagram Page. When you get to my Instagram page, click the "Follow" Button so you can follow me on Instagram. I upload several new Instagram photos per week.
Photo by iStock.com/valentinrussanov