Why women sometimes will take too long to reply to messages or even ignore you on purpose, what it means and how you should respond.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss three different emails from three different viewers. The first email is from a viewer in the UK who has been dating a girl for five months, but lately she has been ignoring him and taking too long to reply to his messages. The second email is from a guy who met a woman on Tinder who used to reply right away when he messaged her, but now she takes 7-8 hours to reply.
The third email is from a guy in Gambia, West Africa who made a lot of mistakes with a woman he really likes a few years back and finally walked away after being ignored. Then she reached out after nine months, they started dating, but now she takes forever to reply to his messages and never initiates contact with him anymore. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
If you love and value yourself and somebody doesn’t reciprocate, you’re going to be like, “Hey, it’s their loss. I’m going to find somebody that wants to hang out with me and is excited to see me.” But if you don’t value yourself and you don’t think you have a lot to offer, then you get ignored, that action from the other person matches your belief about yourself. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That’s why a big part of this is all about your mindset and how you look at yourself. And when the other person doesn’t want to play a tennis with you, so to speak, it’s just time to walk off the court and go find a different tennis partner.
You’ve probably heard me say in the past, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. And all three of these guys are inviting more of this kind of behavior through their own actions without realizing it.
First Viewer’s Email:
Your videos have been extremely helpful. I’ve read your “How To Be A 3% Man” book and will be reading it another 14+ times.
So obviously, he’s new and he’s been through it one time. I’d say that’s part of the problem. That’s why I say, read the book 10-15 times, because what you’re doing when you read it 10-15 times is you’re undoing all of that programming we’ve all grown up with from TV, the media and just cultural societal norms that are simply not accurate, especially when it comes to romance and human behavior. So you have, in essence, a computer program running around your mind that’s kind of like a virus. It’s like a mind virus. It’s sandbagging your success, and you don’t even know it’s there.
That’s why reading the book over 10-15 times teaches you a new mindset, a new way to think, so you can spot patterns — patterns in other people, patterns of behavior — and respond appropriately. It makes you intuitive, a little bit psychic, if you will.
So, I’ve been dating this girl for 5 months. We met at University in the UK where I am from in October and spoke for a while. It was ever since that first meeting, she would come to my classroom after lessons and sit with me, talking to me until I went home. I found this bizarre, because this is the first time a girl has ever shown this much interest for me.
So right off the bat, she really likes him. And as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” if a woman likes you, she will help you. This girl liked him, and she just went over and sat down next to him to see what would happen, because obviously it’s up to the man. Women will put themselves into your orbit, but it’s up to the man to progress things from there to the first date, and ultimately to the bedroom. And if you’re looking to get married, to live happily ever after on your wedding.
She did this all the time, until she had to leave during Christmas break to go back home to her country. She broke up with her ex in November, because things weren’t good between the two of them, and she told me that she thought I could give her what she needed.
In other words, hey I think you’re going to be the replacement for my ex.
This sounded nice at the time, but now I’m not so sure.
Well, that’s the important thing, “at the time.” At that particular moment in time, she said exactly what she was feeling. Because at the time, her perception towards you was that you were doing everything right. She was pursuing you, she was putting herself into your orbit, you were reciprocating and you were smart enough to recognize that she was obviously into you.
This happened to me when I was your age, and I had no idea what was going on. I just though, hey, she’s friendly. And my friends would be going, “Come on dude. She fucking likes you. What’s wrong with you?”
It could be perceived like I’m some kind of tool.
I now know, from reading 3% Man, to stay away from the phone during the start of dating, but during the Christmas break we would text back and forth and call once a week.
The idea is, the more time you spend talking, texting and messaging, the less time you’re typically going to spend in person. And if you’re trying to get close physically with somebody and create some romance, you’re not going to do that through a digital device. All you’re going to end up doing is becoming her emotional tampon or plaything — something to keep her amused when she’s not around the guy she’s sleeping with. It’s harsh, but you’ve got to be real.
She would text me and say that she missed seeing me in real life, so when she returned, I suggested going to hers to make dinner and hang out. We were intimate before we even made anything, ha-ha.
After that night, we spent more time together and dated on the weekends, due to school. She was very into me through her actions. We would more often than not call each other most evenings and talk. As it got to March, the lock-down started, and she had to fly back to home. Her communication pretty much dropped.
So when you’re in this kind of situation where you’re long distance — with the coronavirus, in some places you’re not allowed to travel from city to city — so, what do you do in that situation? I did a video about the topic of social distancing, “Dating, Relationships & Social Distancing.”
The idea is, you want to limit the chit-chat on the apps, and you want to have a date on video, whether it’s Skype or FaceTime or one of the other video messaging services that you can use, where you can actually have a real date, sit down and talk to one another.
Because in normal times, if she was in your city, you might be texting back and forth or whatever, responding to her texts and letting her do most of that, doing 70, 80, 90% of the initiating, then it’s always her idea. Then you don’t have to worry about overpursuing. So that method applies, and instead of the physical date, you’re doing video dates.
The video dates are just like a normal date, because you see each other, you can react to each other’s body language and tone of voice. It’s going to be the closest you can get to being together with that person. But if you’re constantly on the phone chit-chatting and you’re not really having dates, what happens is the woman starts to back off and then the guy starts to call and text more.
And as she starts to back off more, the guy starts to sense something is wrong. Typically they start confronting her, “Hey, what’s wrong? You seem distant.” And she says, “No, I’m just confused… I’m busy.” You get these BS excuses that don’t really make sense. That gets a lot of guys into trouble, because then they really start pursuing and they literally chase the girl right out of their life to where they just get ghosted.
I would say part of your problem is you were doing too much texting and chit-chatting, and you should have put more emphasis on the weekly date. In other words, she’s got the weekly date to look forward to on video.
She used to be very responsive, but now she would take hours to respond at a time. This may sound petty, but going from her responding from minutes at Christmas being back home, to her now taking hours being back ‘home’ gave me a feeling like something was off.
Yeah, it means her attraction has dropped. That means you’re talking, texting and chit-chatting too much to where she’s basically gotten bored with the conversation. That’s why it’s so much more important to have a date to look forward to.
Like, she wasn’t as into me as she once was. It feels like she is playing games/testing me. We do text during the night, which is nice, and she does miss me and looks forward to seeing me, but even so, things aren’t what they used to be.
That’s where when you notice that, you start backing off a little bit. You kind of want to match and mirror it, because you’ve only been through “How To Be A 3% Man” once so far, so you don’t really understand the basics. What’s going on is that her attraction’s dropping. It goes up and down, because women are kind of like cats. When she backs away, you’ve got to let her be.
And since you don’t know the material that well, she backs away and you don’t know what to do. You’re thinking, there’s something wrong. I’ve got to fix it. Let me call her and text her and see why she’s not as into me as she was, which makes you look weak, and needy, and insecure, and make her back away even more.
We made plans to have a Skype date once a week to spend proper time together. During the day however, she would ignore my messages and I can tell due to her last seen online a while after I had sent the message. I know I sound so fucking butthurt, but surely anyone is going to find it offensive when being ignored intentionally, which as you say is passive aggressive behavior.
You should take it as a sign that you’re talking and texting too much. Again, you’d know that if you read the book 10-15 times, but you’ve been through it once. And now you’re in panic mode, you’re freaking out and you’re chasing her away.
Maybe it’s because of the lockdown. I doubt it.
Could you please give me some advice as to what to do in my instance? Should I call her out for ignoring me on purpose, or just accept the fact that women are emotional creatures and sometimes, they just aren’t in the mood?
I’d say the last sentence is pretty accurate there dude. What you’re doing is getting all wrapped up in your self-perception that you’re not good enough, and what is that causing you to do? You’re scared and worried and fearful. “There’s something wrong. I’ve got to fix it. I’ve got to confront her.” All you’re really doing is confronting her with your insecurities, and women can recognize that, because they’ve been bombarded by them since the time they first got interested in boys. They’re a little ahead of you guys in the game. So if you’re kind of being obnoxious, sometimes they’ll troll you.
Sometimes she just doesn’t want to deal with your BS, especially if you’re going, “What’s going on? Why aren’t you responding more quickly?” Don’t take it personally. Just say, you know what, we were obviously talking and texing too much. Scarcity creates value, so let me give her the gift of missing me. I will wait to hear from her. And when I do hear from her, I will treat her like I always do. I’ll be excited to talk to her, and we’ll progress things from there.
You’ve got to let her do most of the calling, texting and pursuing. That’s where you’re going wrong. You’re mindset’s fucking things up and it’s screwing your actions up. And that, in turn, is pushing her away. You have to let women come to you at their own pace, especially when you’re long distance like this.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Okay coach, I met this chick on Tinder, and I’ve been trying to meet up with her in person, but she said she was scared to meet people from the internet.
Come on man. In other words, she’s just not into you.
So I figured I’m gonna get to know her, comfort her and talk to her. Which I did and we hit it off! After about a week, she complained that I wasn’t talking to her enough, so I talked to her more. I didn’t wanna overpuruse, so I kept a distance.
Again, let her do 70, 80, 90% of the calling, texting and pursuing. That means the contact initiation. That means all conversation threads are closed, you’re not waiting to hear from her, and she’s not waiting to hear from you. Sometimes you’ll go 2-4 days in between hearing from her. And when she says, “How come you’re not talking to me?” it’s like, “Let’s get together for some coffee” or “Let’s get together for a drink.” That’s when you make the effort to try to make a date.
Now you’ve been talking to her for a week. And especially with these dating apps, the longer you text and chit-chat back and forth, the less likely you are to actually meet in person. The goal is to get the number and eventually chit-chat on the phone to see if you like her, see if the conversation flows and you want to meet in person, and then make a date.
If you’ve got somebody that’s skittish and hesitant, you’re doing everything right but they won’t meet you, women go on dating apps just to validate that they have interest. Sometimes it helps them with guys they’re really into that aren’t responding the way they want. They go on the online dating apps just because they get a bunch of dudes throwing their dicks at them, and it makes them feel good. And then they don’t feel so bad if it doesn’t work out with the guy they really like.
So you don’t want to be one of those guys that become her little play thing to give her attention and validation, while she’s waiting to hear back from the guy she really likes.
Though after I put in more effort to talk to her, she started putting in less, which confuses me. I don’t know why or what to do. I’m not constantly nagging her every minute of every day. I typically respond within an hour or 3-4 just because I feel that’s normal. Though she has been not replying for like 7-8 hours when she used to reply super-fast.
Again, that’s where the matching and mirroring that I talk about in my book comes in. You want to make sure she’s doing more of the initiation than you are. If she backs off, you back off. What happened is, she backed off and you kept pursuing.
I don’t know if there’s another guy or she’s testing me to see if she can control me to chase. But I’m being patent and sticking to my plan.
Well, part of the problem is you’re calling and texting too much. And then you’re getting butt-hurt when she disappears.
Actually, she told me jokingly that she was talking to 2 other guys.
It’s probably five or six other guys.
And I told her I didn’t care, not to talk to me about them, as I’m not a second option. She said she was kidding and I’m the only one.
You’ve got to have some kind of playful comeback like, “Yeah, but I’m better than those guys,” or “Yeah, but I’m more handsome than those guys.”
So, I’m confused af on this one chief. do you think she’s waiting on me to ask her for a date?
Come on man. If you read the book 10-15 times… You’ve got to learn the fundamentals dude. You took what she said, “I’m afraid to meet people from the internet,” and you’re just like, oh I should never ask her to meet for a long time. If you get her warmed up enough to where she’s pursuing and texting you, and several days have gone by, then yeah, you go and ask for the date. Don’t keep talking and texting to the point where she’s taking seven to eight hours to reply.
I’d say right now, she’s probably not going to be that excited if you were reaching out to her to make a date. That’s why I would wait to hear from her, see how she is and say “Let’s get together for a drink.” And if she won’t meet up or gives you some BS excuse, then just say “Get in touch with me when your schedule frees up to get together. Then I wouldn’t call her or text her again for any reason.
If she reaches out a day or two later, “Hey, what are you doing?” say, “Hey, did you figure out your schedule? Are you ready to get together?” If she gives you the “Oh, I’m not sure yet,” just go, “Okay. Give me a call when you change your mind” or “Give me a call when you’re available.” It’s just like I talk about in my video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
Then after that, if she keeps calling and texting you, talk for two to three minutes max on the phone, send one or two text replies, maybe three back and forth total, and say, “Hey, I’ve got to run. It’s been great hearing from you. Keep in touch.” And then don’t ever bring up getting together again and don’t talk for very long, and she’s going to notice right away that you’re kind of busy, that you’re not really putting the energy in you were before, almost like somebody else has your attention.
If you’ve met another girl, and this girl who won’t meet you is still texting you, how are you going to treat her? Think about it from that perspective.
Third Viewer’s Email:
I’m writing from The Gambia, West Africa. I met this girl 2016, and since then I have been following her, and she rejected me couple of times with excuses and freaking out because I was so madly in love. Then I stopped calling her for about nine months, and last year October, 2019, on my birthday, she called and wished me happy birthday, which I was so surprised. A few minutes later, I sent her a thank you message on WhatsApp, and she responded, “can we have a drink one of these days because it’s been a long time,” and immediately I said “yes, sure we can.” Then we went on date following weekend.
He eventually realized this is not going anywhere, and he just walked away. And nine months went by. You never know. Sometimes you’re going to hear from women years later. That’s the power of not staying engaged with somebody that’s either got a boyfriend, not interested or not replying. Just let it be. And if there’s any kind of interest, when they become available and they haven’t heard from you, you’ll probably pop in their mind and you’ll get a message. But again, that assumes that there’s interest.
Two days after our date, she accepted to be my girlfriend since things are so adorable and sweet between us, until after Valentine week.
Dude, you don’t go out on one date and then ask her to be your girlfriend. That’s a bad, bad, bad way to go. It’s too much, too soon. It tells you obviously didn’t read the book. You’ve got to read the book. You’ve got to learn the fundamentals. It’s free to read on my website. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. You basically went right back to everything that turned her off almost a year ago.
We were together on Valentine’s Day, but soon after she left my house, there was no mutual communication between us. I will call and text every now and then, but she’ll never initiate any call or sms for nearly 2 months. I asked her what’s wrong, and she said working is not giving her time to communicate, so I become worried. One thing, she’ll always pick up my call and return my sms, but why is she not initiating any call or sms now is my worry.
Because you’re doing all of the chasing and acting like a woman. She’s doing nothing, and you did not notice that she backed off. You kept pursuing, and it sounds like you became clingy, needy and stalkerish. Now she has the same perception of you that she did in October of 2019.
To be frank, I used to buy her gifts and in fact when corona broke out, I asked her to pick hand sanitizer from the pharmacy, but still she didn’t pick and I paid already. I’m confused.
It just means she’s not that into you bro. That’s just reality. You’re assuming that she likes you, but you’re ignoring the fact that she’s acting like somebody that has no interest, and yet you’re proceeding like normal. That’s what they teach you in the movies. If you get blown off and ignored, you just keep pursuing. It doesn’t work that way in the real world.
June 15th, 2020, I messaged her so that we can have dinner or walk at the beach and she replied, “let me check and get back to you.” Since then, I didn’t hear from her. I have not been calling her too since that reply, so I’m thinking of NO CONTACT again.
What do you think of this her behavior? Please help.
Well, it sounds like when she came back she was into you, and then you quickly exhibited all of the same behaviors that turned her off a year ago. So my suggestion is you read my book “How To Be A 3% Man” 10-15 times. At this point, I would let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Wait to hear from her, and when you do, make a date.
And if you have a date with her again, stop talking about boyfriend-girlfriend, stop trying to lock her down to a commitment or any of that bullshit. Let her bring it up. You’re doing the opposite of what I teach right now, and you’re not going to be successful.
When you did follow the things that I teach, especially walking away after she blew you off a year ago, she came back to you, so there was interest on her part. But you quickly turned her right back off again, and now you’re kind of back where you started, back at square one and nowhere. A lot of guys do this. They back off and go no contact, the girl reaches out, and they go right back to the same needy and insecure behavior that chased her out of their lives the first time around.
So read the book 10-15 times, and let her do most of the calling, texting and pursuing. You’re doing way too much pursuing and ignoring the fact that she had backed off.
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“People who actually care about you will make the effort to make you feel loved, wanted and valued. People who don’t will display flakey and inconsistent behavior and take you for granted. People will treat you in response to your self-perception and what you invite and allow them to get away with. Always go where you are wanted, welcomed and celebrated, not where you are merely tolerated.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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