Why women lose attraction, interest in sex and then leave their relationships.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following me for over 7 years. Up until a few days ago, he was planning on marrying his now ex-girlfriend. However, due to some problems she had in her life and with her sister being cheated on by her husband, she lost attraction and interest in him, or so he believes. He says his girlfriend lost interest in sex and the more he brought it up and tried to have sex with her, the more repulsed and angry she got. Then she packed her bags and left saying she didn’t think should could ever look at him in the same light again. It’s clear he wasn’t following what I teach, but can’t see it and doesn’t want to admit he was screwing up and turning her off. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, She Lost Interest In Sex & Then Dumped Me.
So, I’ve got an email. This particular guy has been following me for seven years now. And he said up until a few days ago he was planning on marrying his now ex girlfriend. And so, he says everything has been great. And their relationship up until about last two months, when she had some things going on in her personal life or her life that just totally sidetracked her, changed her attitude and what he believes led to the end of the relationship.
But because I’ve already been through his email, there are things that he was doing and saying, I can tell we’re not what’s in The Book, but it’s hard for guys to admit mistakes here. He was focused on sex a lot and asking her for sex and it’s like the way he’s talking about in the conversations he’s having with his girlfriend are not the kind of conversations you have.
If you understand The Book backwards and forwards. So, there’s that. But what was really unusual was that, and unfair to him, was that she wrecked her car, and he said that it set her back and work out. If that meant that she couldn’t get to work for a few days or whatever, but it set her back in work. And so that was upsetting to her.
And then her sister, who she loves and adores and admires and looked up to and always thought what a great marriage and relationship she had come to find out her sister’s husband was cheating on her sister with. I guess he was paying a lot of sex workers to have sex with him. And so it completely changed her perception of man.
So, every time this guy brought up being intimate or sex or the fact that she had been so cold and distant, she got disgusted and mad and basically compared him to her sister’s now ex husband to be, which is totally unfair. To, I mean, to do that to somebody that’s not even related to you, because now what you looked up to and your sister’s relationship was all basically bullshit because the husband was cheating on her with hookers.
So it’s a bad, bad, bad way to go. So, the bottom line is this girl broke up with this guy, packed her bags, got really upset. And then said, I don’t think I can ever look at you the same way again. And then she left. So, we totally can feel bad for this guy because he says, up until a month ago, everything had been great up until she had her accident.
And there’s fuckery with her sister’s husband happened. He says everything had been great. But then again, the reality is women don’t dump men. They’re head over heels in love with.
So, because I’ve been doing this almost 20 years, and I’ve done thousands and thousands of phone sessions over the years with men that are in these situations, and there’s the two biggest things that basically I see over and over end a relationship.
And number one is the guy’s not dating and courting her properly. There is a process to seduction. You hang out, you have fun while you’re hanging out, and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed and touched and seduced, then you hook up. It’s step one, step two, step three. You always follow that process, whether it’s your first date or your ten year anniversary. It’s just the same process.
And I can tell from the things he was saying and doing, he was circumventing that process and going right for the dessert. And the other thing that guys screw up in long term relationships is the woman doesn’t feel heard and understood.
And when that happens, the legs close. And so her legs were obviously closed because I don’t think he was doing a good job of opening her up. And the dating and courting, like I said, if he’s just hey, let’s take her on a date. And he’s like, all right, now it’s time for sexy time.
And then he gets mad. It’s like, when I get emails like that, it’s usually somebody that’s new to my work and doesn’t know it really well, and they’re getting mad and upset that the girl doesn’t want to have sex with him. It’s a process. A woman has to feel heard and understood.
That’s why when you go out on a date, women should be doing 70 to 80% of the talking. You should be pulling things out of her, finding how she’s been, how her life is going, how her day went, what’s going on with her sister or her husband? How did they make you feel? Oh that’s terrible. You got to empathize with her.
And I suspect he probably didn’t do any of that. And because they’d been together for, I don’t know how long, I assume they were together for a few years. If he’s already convinced that he wants to marry this girl, that he got lazy and he got complacent and started short cutting the process and leaving out steps.
And you couple that with the fact that she’s going through a difficult time emotionally because of the accident, because of what happened with the ex-husband to be of her now her sister. And he’s just basically saying, hey, let’s have sex, and she’s getting mad and upset at him. That tells me that she didn’t feel heard and understood. So let’s go through his email.
I’ve been following you since I was in high school for over 7 years now and periodically re-read your book from time to time to refresh myself on my value and worth as a man.
Well, it’s not to refresh yourself on your value and worth as a man so you can pound your chest. It’s so you can properly apply the fundamentals so you can date and seduce your girl at will. And if you’re not able to date and seduce your girl at will, then you are short cutting the process somewhere.
It’s just like when I was in real estate, and I would teach the guys and girls that were working for me. We used to have what was called a buyer’s consultation with our clients. They would come in after we’ve pre-approved them for a loan, and we got all their documentation, and we would make sure that all decision makers were there.
The man and the wife would both be there. The husband, wife, the man and the girlfriend would always be there. The worst thing you could do as a salesperson is bring the wife in, because she’s the one talking to you, and then leave the husband out of the process. Because if you do that, you get to the end where you’re trying to sell and sign on the dotted line, and the husband has no rapport with you, and he’ll just blow the deal up because he doesn’t like you and doesn’t know you, and vice versa.
The woman would do the same thing if the husband’s like, I’m taking care of everything. And then you go through this whole process and then we’re like, hey, you ready to make an offer? He’s like, well, I got to check my wife. Check my wife. I got to check with my wife. And then, of course, because the wife doesn’t know you, then she blows a deal up. Just because she doesn’t like you, because you didn’t take the time.
And so, when I would have sales people that worked for me for a period of time, they would do real well. They’d get in a groove, they’d be real successful. They’d start making a bunch of money. Their pipeline fills up with deals, getting ready to close. They got buyers that are working with to make future deals, and what always happens is they get busy and then they start short-cutting the process.
Instead of taking an hour or an hour and a half to sit down in a buyer’s consultation and really establish rapport, and get the couple (both of them) to like and trust you. They would just go right to meeting them out and showing them properties, trying to shortcut the process.
And then what would happen is their closing ratio would go down, instead of 70% to 80% of the people buying a house with them, then it might only be 30% of the people, or 20% of the people buying a house. So as a business owner, I’m giving them leads and now they’re converting half the leads.
So, the other half of the leads are basically getting wasted, and you’re literally losing tens of thousands of dollars in lost commissions. And so, I would sit down with them because this would happen like clockwork with every single one of my agents. And we would talk about the whole process. They would come to me when they get frustrated, like, “I don’t know, and I have nothing in the pipeline.
Nothing’s going well. I’m showing people properties and they’re not buying.” It’s like, “Well, what about your buyer’s consultations? Are you still spending an hour? An hour and a half?” “Well, I’ve been so busy” and you would always find out that somewhere in the process, they didn’t take the time to create rapport with their clients. And so, the clients had no loyalty to them, the clients didn’t like them.
And the two top stressful things in people’s lives are: A) getting married and B) buying a house. And so, if you’re trying to do one of the top two most stressful things in people’s life, and you don’t have rapport with your clients, you’re going to have a hard time selling them. So, keep that in mind.
So, this guy was successful. People get lazy, they get busy. “I don’t have, I need extra time. I got my job. I’m trying to make this extra money, save up enough money for an engagement ring, or a wedding, or a house or whatever,” and they shortcut the process. They stop dating and courting her when she comes home, because they’re busy and they got extra work to do.
They’re not saying, “Hey babe, how was your day? Tell me about your day.” Instead, they’re busy, and next thing they know, it’s like nine, ten, 11:00 at night. They’re crawling into bed for the next day, and he wants to bust a nut. But he comes home and basically completely neglected his girlfriend or his wife or his Fiancé, whatever it happens to be.
And then, of course, she’s not interested. “All you care out of sex!” He didn’t take the time to open her up, didn’t take the time to go out on a date. Didn’t take the time to create rapport with her, make her feel heard and understood. And it happens slowly over many months. And that’s why most guys don’t recognize when it’s happened.
Just like my salespeople would not recognize that they just stopped doing the things that made them successful. It was the same thing every time. It’s fundamentals, and what I teach is fundamentals. And so, when I see a guy say, “I refresh myself on my value and worth as a man,” it’s like, no, you’re supposed to refresh yourself on the fundamentals, and The Book, so you know how to properly treat your girl, so she’ll be putty in your hands.
And she will submit to you and follow your lead. And then any time you’re feeling sexy, you want some sexy time, you can put your hand down her pants. And by the time it gets to the love tunnel, depending on, it’s nice and moist already. Whereas if you if you’re not doing the little things, then you end up with a haunted house in the desert. It’s not good. Not good.
I appreciate your time and consideration more than you know. A few days ago, my girlfriend who I planned to marry and start a life with broke up with me in a rather unexpected manner. For the most part, our relationship has always been healthy, fun, and only added to our lives, not taken away from it (like you emphasize in your book.)
So now he’s building a case. We’re he’s saying, “Hey, I was doing everything. I was following The Book perfectly and just, she dumped me for some strange reason.”
However, things took a turn for the worst when a multitude of unfortunate things ended up happening in her life last month.
Well, the reality. And as it says in The Book, women don’t dump men they’re in love with. They dump men they’ve lost attraction for. And if you’re not doing the fundamentals that are in The Book. And just focusing on my own worth as a man, then. Yeah, your girl doesn’t feel heard and understood.
You’re probably not dating and courting her properly, because you’ve gotten lazy. And you’re short cutting the process. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. The hookup comes at the end. That’s step number three. And you’re going for step number three. That’s fine.
If she feels heard and understood and you’re making her feel open, then she’s going to be open to having sex whenever you want it. But usually if you’re applying what’s in The Book, she’s going to want sex way more than you do. So it’s never an issue. But when you’ve been together for a few years, you get caught up in life. You get busy. It happens.
My girlfriend ended up getting in a car wreck which ultimately caused her to fall very behind in her job, leaving her super stressed to the point where you could visibly see a difference.
That’s why you got to be her escape from her difficult life.
Then to top it off, she found out that her sister who she loves and adores had been cheated on by her husband, who had been paying to have sex with hookers for months on end. This ended up taking a serious toll on our relationship and sex life. She explained to me that the pain she felt for the situation had emotionally impacted her perception on sex, and since then, we’ve experienced a multitude of problems.
Well, as soon as she starts saying my sister’s relationship with her husband and their sex life is now going to affect our sex life. That’s when you need to say, “Hold on, honey, I love you. Wait a minute. This is not going to work. You cannot take what happened and what your sister’s husband did to her, and start pointing the finger at me, and laying blame at me, or saying I’m somehow like the husband.
That is, you need to apologize for that right now. Don’t ever insinuate that again. And I don’t appreciate that. I’m sorry you feel that way. And we can talk about what happened in their relationship. But for you to just say, well, my sex life has been impacted because of my sister’s sex life, that’s ridiculous.” “You’re basically saying, I’m going to let some problem outside of our relationship come in and screw up our relationship, and that doesn’t work for me. You can’t do that. That’s not okay.”
“That’s like me coming to you, going, Yeah, my best friend’s having problems with his wife. And, well, because of that, I’m going to start being a shitty boyfriend now. Because I’m just impacted by; I’m so emotionally distraught over it.” It’s ridiculous. So this is part of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries and communicating.
This is not something you just sweep under the rug and go, “Oh, it’s just fine,” which a lot of guys like to do, especially when conversations get uncomfortable. You have to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations. And your girlfriend needs to recognize in that moment that what she just did, bringing what happened in somebody else’s relationship, is now something that’s going to impact your sex life.
It’s like, “No! No, that is not going to happen, babe. This is you and I. It’s not you and I and your sister’s now ex-husband to be. It has nothing to do with us. Has no bearing on our sex life. We can talk about it and we can go over it. But you can’t be letting your sister’s relationship interfere in ours.” That’s just that dog won’t hunt. That dog can’t hunt, as we say down in the South.
Anytime sex would be brought up from this point forward, it’s as if she would always find a reason against it. While I do believe a lot of her reasons were legit.
It’s obvious that her perception on sex and intimacy with me had ultimately changed, which would leave me feeling unwanted and undesired. This would start arguments and unresolved conflict.
Well, it made it worse. Then, you want to argue with her why you’re not getting laid. But remember, hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, hook up. The hookup comes at the end. And if you don’t make her feel heard and understood, the legs will close even more, which is probably what you did. Because you let that conversation slide without nipping it in the butt.
She then started to spiral. Anytime I would try taking her out or showing her how I loved and cared for her, it’s as if she would look right past my efforts with some sort of hidden agenda in the back of my mind for sex, which was not true.
Again, this is what happens when you don’t address and communicate things properly. You let the shit build up. You let her brow beat you with this. And in a way, you basically accepted her premise that you’re just a dirty man, like all men, and all you care about is sex. That’s just basically what she said. And you acquiesced to it. You allowed her to do that to your relationship, and that’s on you.
It’s like no matter what I did or tried, my intentions were never to love or care for her.
Again. You got to say this is not appropriate. Anytime you’re in a relationship with somebody and they start brow beating you with somebody else’s, like in this case, relationship or this person used to treat me better, or this person was better for me, or to me, or whatever. You know, the race is between you and her.
Not you, her and anybody else she wants to throw in there. Nobody and nothing outside of your relationship can impact you, including your kids. Your relationship must come first. Your intimacy between each other must come first.
And if your girlfriend is telling you that she’s going to let her sisters train, wreck marriage, now wreck your sex life. Or have her judge you unfairly and compare you to the ex-husband to be, of her sister. It’s like, no, I would resent the shit out of that. And I would let her know, “That’s not okay.
And don’t you dare ever accuse me or compare me to that fucking piece of shit. I can’t believe you. After all the time we’ve been together, you’re insinuating that I’m somehow like him.” It’s like, “That’s not okay. That’s not okay in the least. And you need to apologize for that right now. And don’t ever do that again.”
After not seeing her for over a week on a business trip, I took her out to the city for dinner, and we honestly had a great time; things were looking hopeful. However, after returning to my place, I tried to initiate sex.
What were the signs there? Was she playing with her hair? Was she touching your arm? Was she standing close? Had you guys been kissing and holding hands? Had you been affectionate on the date? Or as soon as she walked in the door, you just grabbed her by the pussy? There’s a process, dude.
The Book spells that process out. And just the fact that what you said about reviewing the book. Doesn’t sound like you were looking at reviewing The Book to refresh the fundamentals so you don’t screw up and do unattractive things. It looked like you were focused a little bit too much on your own ego, and puffing yourself up.
But she expressed feeling unwell.
Of course she did.
While I regret this now, I kept continually asking her for it, which seriously backfired.
Yeah, men who understand women do not beg them for sex and aren’t going “Why aren’t you having sex with me?” This is the opposite of what The Book teaches.
I guess I was hoping that in the same way I put my best foot forward for her, that she would do the same for me. She explained to me that she did not feel loved or respected by me in that moment, and that I didn’t care about the way she feels and was trying to force sex on her.
So that tells me you’re trying to have sex with her and she’s not open to it. This is explained in The Book. So, you don’t sound like a guy that read The Book 10 to 15 times and really knows this thing backwards and forwards. That’s just a fact of life. And so, she’s telling you right here she doesn’t feel heard and understood.
And so, that tells me you were doing a lousy job of communicating with her and opening her up. She didn’t feel heard and understood. Probably because it was an uncomfortable conversation, and you just wanted to sweep it under the rug, and change the subject. Which a lot of guys tend to do. And she doesn’t feel heard and understood. So, the legs are closed, bro. This is right out of The Book. This is not complicated.
I foolishly tried explaining myself and how I love and care about her and that I was sorry for making her feel that way. As you can probably guess, she explained that it did not change the way she felt at all.
Well, why is that? Why do you feel the way you do? Why are you comparing me to him? Why are you saying let’s go back here. What did she say. “She did not feel loved or respected by me.” Okay, so what have I done to cause you to not feel loved and respected in the moment? What is changed in our relationship that makes you feel that way? What is different?
And get her to explain it and explicit details. And it’s probably an uncomfortable conversation. He doesn’t want to hear it. Because that would admit that he’s been screwing up. And the reality is, most guys don’t like to admit that, especially the dudes when they consume the red pill content. “Gotta hold women accountable. Blame them for everything.”
The next morning, her feelings became worse. She said that she couldn’t even look at me without feeling the way she felt the night before, so she packed her bags up and said she doesn’t know if she can ever see me differently and left.
I feel lost and would love to get your perspective on this. How did things that were once so good go south so fast?
You got lazy and complacent. She didn’t feel heard and understood. She said it right in the email you sent. That’s it. That’s number one. Now it looks like you were dating and courting her. But if she doesn’t feel heard and understood, the legs are going to close. And that’s what she’s telling you. She didn’t feel heard and understood.
And it looks like you did not take the time to get her to that point. Remember, when women feel heard and understood, and they feel like you really hash things out, they typically do something like this. “I feel so much better. I’m so glad we talked. I love you, you’re the best boyfriend ever.” But he couldn’t tell that she wasn’t in that place.
Then he starts grabbing the box or whatever he was doing, because the signs were definitely not there, that she was ready to be seduced. And all he kept doing was like, “Oh, I’ll take her on a date.” And basically, dinner will be the bribe for sex. But again, this is what happens if you don’t take the time to make a girl feel heard and understood.
This is a behavior you’re going to get. And also, he didn’t enforce a healthy boundary, when she started throwing the relationship of somebody else in your face. It has nothing to do with you guys. So that’s on you for letting that shit slide. And so, what I would do at this point is that, Hey, she left. That’s it. She broke up with you. You’re in No Contact.
That means you’re never, ever going to speak to her as long as you live, unless she reaches out to you first. And if she never reaches out to you, then you’ll never speak again as long as you live. And that’s it. You’re single. You’re a free agent. So, I’d be moving on with my life. I know it sucks. I know it’s not what you want to hear.
But for her to just pack her shit up like that, and take off, and insult you, and compare you to the ex-husband. I mean, basically what she’s telling you is that, “Hey, you didn’t make me feel heard and understood. In other words, you didn’t make me feel like you cared about me. You just made me feel like you just wanted to fuck.
And then as soon as you get your release, then you go back to whatever it is that you’re doing and ignoring me.” That’s what’s going on. And the last time you were together, you further reiterated you kept making the same mistake over and over, and you’re not communicating properly. And you cannot do that with a woman.
But for her to just pack her bags and leave, she left because she’s not feeling it. She fell out of love with you some time ago and you didn’t notice. And this is why I say read The Book 10 to 15 times. It’s not to read The Book and puff yourself up and, “Know my own value.” It’s like, the idea is the fundamentals.
If your girl doesn’t want to have sex with you and you’re begging her to have sex with you, you’re not applying what’s in The Book. That’s what a beta male does that doesn’t understand women. That’s a fact of life. And so, now at this point, you’re following the script right from 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.
She reaches out again, assume she wants to see you, invite her over to make dinner together. But you got to focus on her doing all the talking, and getting her to the point. It may take you 3 or 4 hours. “What else? Tell me more.” Don’t get upset. Don’t argue with her. You got to get her to talk. And occasionally every five, ten minutes.
Just like I talk about in The Book. Just like I talk about in the video. How to communicate with women effectively. You got to repeat some of it back to her. This is how you communicate that you are actually listening and paying attention to what she said.
And it obviously got to the point where her interest was low, her attraction was low, and you kept making the same mistake over and over and not communicating. To eventually she left because her feelings were so low, she didn’t respect you anymore, and she wasn’t attracted to you. And obviously she’s got shit going on in her life. It’s not okay the way she behaved, but she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.
You were trying to make things work and she was working against you. So therefore, she’s got to do a 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from here on out. She’s got to fix it. And when you do get together with her. You’ve got to have that conversation about her throwing her sister’s boyfriend and comparing you to him.
That has to stop. That cannot be allowed to happen. If you guys are going to work and your relationship is going to work, she can’t be throwing other people that you barely know into your relationship and saying, “Oh, you’re just like that dickhead. And that’s why I don’t want to have sex with you.” It was like, “Pfft,” that’s not going to fly. She needs to apologize for that, too.
And she needs to understand why that’s unloving and it’s inappropriate. A woman’s job in a relationship is to make your life hard, not your dick. “FACE PALM!!!” A woman’s job in your life is to make your dick hard, not your life hard. And your girl is making your dick hard (Life Hard.*) Granted, you weren’t communicating with her properly, but this thing spiraled out of control. Sorry for mixing those two up, but hey, it’s Monday!
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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