What you should do and what it means if your girlfriend, wife or woman you are dating says that she needs space.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer whose girlfriend asked for space two weeks ago. He even moved out of their home, apparently. She’s become even more distant and he is freaking out.
The second email is from a guy whose girlfriend of two months has become distant and when he asked her to come over the other day, she told him she didn’t want to. He can tell her interest has dropped. He also says they are always texting and messaging throughout the day and just thinks it’s something his generation does. He asks my opinion on this all means. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
She needs space? Obviously, that’s not something you want to hear from your girlfriend, or your wife, or a girl maybe you just got serious with or that you’ve been dating. It means things are not moving in the right direction. So I’ve got two emails I’m going to go through with you today. The first one’s from a guy, it sounds like he lives with his girlfriend. She said she needed space, they’ve been together about a year and a half, and he also moved out on top of that.
And then I’ve got a second email here from a guy that’s a little younger. His girl is twenty-four, he’s twenty-six, and they’ve been dating exclusively for two months. And so he asked her to come over the other night, and she’s like, “Yeah, I don’t really want to.” And it’s funny, it includes some of their texting and messaging exchanges here.
One thing he does know is that they like have a constant conversation going through text or messaging apps, and it’s like going on all day and all night. But he thinks that his age group, that this is just what they do and it obviously shouldn’t have any effect on her interest. And I kind of laugh when I see these emails from younger guys going, “Oh Corey, you don’t understand.” I still date women that are in their 20s and I don’t do this shit with them, and they prefer it that way.
I like to date women that have a career, have some goals, have something that they want to accomplish. Typically, they come from good families. They have a dad that is confident and successful, and obviously he teaches all of his kids to have that. Because those kinds of women that grow up in those environments, they work out, they take care of themselves, they have something they want to do.
And because their parents fill their bucket of self-esteem so full, they believe they can go out and do anything that they want. If they want to start a hair salon business, or an online business or some high profile career or whatever, they go out and do it. They say they’re going to do it, and then they actually take action. There’s two types of people in the world: there’s doers and there’s talkers, and I personally prefer doers, women that say what they mean and mean what they say.
But like I said, I date women in this age group. This guy is doing the opposite of what I teach, and he’s surprised he’s getting bad results. And then he tries to use this to go, “Oh Corey, you to understand my generation. This is how we roll.” It’s like, oh, yeah? I’m like, well, if we were dating the same girl dude, I would easily take her from you, because you while you’re texting her and being her gay male girlfriend, she’ll be hanging out with me.
If you want to have a good quality relationship, you want to be with somebody that really wants to be with you. They make a mutual effort. Too many dudes in our society — and I used to be this way when I was younger and I didn’t know any better — have bought into that fantasy that you see in movies that the guy is always chasing. The girl has zero interest in him, and eventually by the end of the movie, he wins her over. If you do that in real life, the girl is going to think you’re a stalker and get a restraining order against you.
If you’re a catch and you’re valuable, and especially if you watch the older movies, the black and white movies 50, 60, 70 years ago, the women were always after the men, always chasing the men, trying to get the best guy that they could get for themselves. But today you see the exact opposite of that. And that’s one of the reasons why people in our society struggle so much with this. And women are like, “Where the hell are the real guys at?”
First Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Corey Wayne,
My girlfriend asked for space almost two weeks ago now, then I started watching your channel and several others on what to do. We’ve been together for over 1.5 years, and things were really rosy and nice until August. She started distancing herself from me, and because I noticed immediately, I started asking her what was wrong. She kept saying nothing was wrong but clearly lying.
Women don’t want to hurt your feelings. And what you’ve got to understand is that she’s processing what she feels. And obviously, you’ve got to call her out. It’s like, “Well, you did this, you did that. Something’s obviously up. You’re not making the same effort, and so obviously you’re either upset about something or something else is going on. So don’t just sit there and go “Nothing. Everything’s fine,” because everything is not fine.”
When a woman says everything’s fine, it means it’s not fine. And “How big are your balls, and how much do you really care to find out what’s really bothering me?” I wrote about this in my first book, “Mastering Yourself.”
I kept asking her to explain herself because she was not doing any of the sweet things she used to, to the point of not returning “I love you” back most of the time.
Well, those are the kinds of things, like obviously he hasn’t read my books, and is not familiar with the work. Now he’s just looking for the quick fix, which you’re not going to succeed attracting your girlfriend back if you’re just cherry picking and watching a ton of different videos from a bunch of different people, just looking for the magic line. That’s just not how this works.
If you’re serious and you want to save it, or have the best chance of saving it, you’ve got to read “How To Be A 3% Man” and start to understand the fundamentals. If you’re just trying to cherry pick videos from me and other people, you’re just going to get confused and screw it up. And it’s like, it’s your life, you can do whatever you want, but if you want to give yourself the best possible chance for success, then you’ll read the book.
Or you can continue to listen to, more than likely, people that have learned stuff from me second hand and don’t have the experience and haven’t done thousands and thousands of phone sessions over the years with guys in these kinds of situations and help them turn it around. I’m often imitated, but never duplicated.
She kicked me out about 2 weeks ago, (late October).
If you guys are living together and you’re paying rent, I’d be like, “I live here, too.” When I do phone sessions with guys that are married or living together and the woman wants them the move out, it’s like no, you don’t move out. If she wants to go stay with her mother or her girlfriend or leave, then she can leave and then explain to all the children why she’s not going to stay in the house. Because if you just up and leave, then she can tell your your kids whatever you want. “Oh, Daddy left. It’s all Daddy’s fault.”
But if she’s wanting space, then great. She can explain to the kids and the rest of the family why she’s leaving the house. And just that in and of itself sometimes will cause her to reconsider it. Because, a lot of women don’t want to take responsibility for that. And part of it is also standing up for yourself is like, “This is our family home. We live here. I pay rent. All my stuff is here. I’m not moving out. If you want some space, go hang out your girlfriend, go stay at your mom’s.” You don’t move out of your house, dude. So I would have never done that. That is just stupid.
And she finally told me everything that was wrong, including how I kept pressuring her to talk when she just wanted to relax.
I don’t really know, because you’re not really specific. It seems like this was something that was going on for a while, almost to the point where you probably noticed her interest dropped, and you probably became needy, and possessive and smothering, which caused her to lose even more interest and back away even more.
Then she asked for space. Obviously, I am devastated because I feel like I have the information to make things right, yet might not have a chance to prove it.
Well, that’s a big part of your problem. You think you have to prove your worth to your girlfriend. And you moved out. You’re moving out acts like you’re not worthy and not deserving of her, when the reality is you guys live together, and you’re both in the lease, and she says she wants space. It’s like, “Go stay with your mom, go stay with one of your girlfriends.”
And if she says, “I want you to move out,” you’re like, “I’m not moving out. I’m on the lease. If you want some space, go take some space. Call me when you miss me, and you can’t take it anymore, and you’re having all kinds of impure thoughts and you want to tear my clothes off. And until then, I’m going to be here having a good time. I’m waiting on you boo-boo.”
I watched your videos saying to just “hang out, have fun, and relax; be her escape.” The space has given me some time to try to regain my confidence, and not demand explanations or validation for when we get back together, if we get back together.
Yeah, like I said, if she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and make a date, hang out, have fun and hook up. But when a woman asks for space, you don’t keep calling, you don’t keep texting, you you don’t keep trying to find out what’s wrong. But obviously, you’ve already moved out, which I already explained was a stupid move on your part, but you probably didn’t know any better.
Part of the problem is that you’re your girlfriend has all the power in the relationship. That’s what’s really going on here. You’re acting like a fucking beta male, and she’s just leading you around by the nose and you’re doing whatever she asks. So it’s like, you’re not helping yourself.
She’s texted me once ever since asking for space, but it was a sparse “Hi, how are you?” I wanted to know everything about her life, but other channels have suggested I “take an inch, give an inch,” so I said, “I’m good, how is work?” I did not get a response back after 1-2 more exchanges which really hurts me, but I cannot react and show neediness again.
If she reached out, just like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you should see if she wants to see you and make a date. If she doesn’t make the date, then you just withdraw the offer, tell her to call you and get in touch when she misses you, and then just let it be. And then if she reaches out again, you try to set a date. And say she won’t make a date, then then stop asking her. And then let her ask for the date. You’ve got to let her do one hundred percent of the calling, texting and pursuing at this point. She asked for space, she fucked up the relationship, she has to fix it. You trying to force yourself back into her life at this point is not going to help matters.
The worst thing you do when a woman says she needs space is to keep contacting her, because that just validates her decision that you’re a needy, insecure jackass and she’s going to continue to lose attraction to the point where she doesn’t care for you. And the next thing you’re going to find out is she’s got some other dude coming over fucking in your bed. And obviously, that’s not something that you want to happen, but it’s pretty common.
So you from a leverage perspective, you put yourself in a really weak position. The only thing you can really do now at at this point is wait to hear from her, and then make a date. Follow what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” And if you want further help with this situation, you can tell me more of the details, I’d say book a coaching session. Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab and book a coaching session. But just keep in mind, I’m usually at least one or two weeks away before I can get you in my schedule.
We still follow each other on social media, and the pictures of us are still up. I hope this is a good sign, but today she didn’t give me a like on my new picture. This brought me to panic mode, and it almost made me want to text her, but I did not.
Well, good for you. That’s the right move.
I’m hoping this is the right decision. Before she kicked me out, we tentatively decided for me to return around Thanksgiving.
So there’s obviously some stuff here, some details, you’re leaving out because it sounds like you were living together, she asked for space, but you kept being obnoxious and needy. And then she’s like, “Move out,” and you went ahead and moved out.
I hope that our situation can still recover. If you have any advice I’d appreciate it.
Well, the first thing’s first is you should be reading my book.
This is a very new situation to me, (my 1st relationship).
Well again, you can read “How To Be A 3% Man” totally for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. And I also recommend you probably should read “Mastering Yourself,” so you can get focused more on your mission and your purpose and things that you need to be focusing on as a man to create attraction, or in this case, recreate attraction.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been dating this girl exclusively for around 2 months now, and we have had a few hiccups here and there, but overall we are in a good place.
More than likely, that good place that you think you’re in is probably not so good, but just keep that in mind. You’re probably overstating her attraction and interest in you at this point.
I’ll be honest with you coach and tell you that we always text back and forth. I will never initiate contact. She is always doing it. I’m 26, she is 24, so I feel this is something that our age group does.
Come on man. If I had a dollar for every time some dude your age emailed me that and said that same bullshit line. That’s the “I want to keep doing it. I want to keep texting.” This is part of the problem is that you started out in the beginning this way, being available 24/7 and chit chatting through the phone, so now she got used to it, so she’s trained. And obviously you’re writing this email because you can tell she’s losing interest.
What ends up happening these situations, and I wrote about this in “How To Be A 3% Man”, is that you get to the point where you’re spending more time chit chatting and you’re telling her everything that’s going on in your life. So what’s the point of getting together in person? She already knows all of your updates. She already knows everything that’s been going on. So therefore, why get together? And then you literally you do this, you just kind of end up becoming her emotional tampon, her little validation, her electronic digital validation machine. And that’s just something, as a man, you shouldn’t be participating in.
The phone is for setting dates, not giving out information and not having a relationship. And I haven’t got to the end of the email yet, but obviously I’ve already read it. And what’s happened here is, you haven’t realized it, but you kept going more and more towards talking on the phone and less spending time in person.
I respond to texts within a couple hours, I’m never glued to my phone, but we have a constant chat going on.
That’s normal in longer term relationships that, I wouldn’t call it a constant chat, but there’s constant back and forth messages. It’s good that she’s doing all of it, but it’s just too much of it. You know, especially when you asked her to get together and she doesn’t want to, if she texts you after six or seven o’clock at night, I would wait till the next morning to text her back.
Become a little more unpredictable, because if you ask a woman to spend time with you and she’s like, “Ehh,” think about it. It’s six, seven o’clock at night and you’re hanging out with your buddies, because she didn’t want to spend time with you, and then she messages you. Remember, you wanted to get together, and she’s like, “Ehh.” Well, if you’re out having fun with other people, your attitude should be, “Ehh.” Match and mirror that back to her.
I have a solid job, hobbies and interests, and am always on my purpose. I will never let texting get in the way of my life, but I do feel this is important to tell you.
Well, obviously, you know that it’s not helping your relationship. And then you just saying “It’s something people our age do,” — it’s like like I said in the beginning of the video, it’s like I don’t do this stuff with women that are your age that I date, and it works quite well. And it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You’ve trained this woman improperly from the get go, and that’s really hard to undo.
But you’ve got to match and mirror her behavior. If she’s being distant, then don’t ask her out for a week, be kind of busy, take extra long to return her texts. If they’re after six or seven o’clock at night, text her the next morning, and then see what she has to say. And if she mentions anything about getting together, then make a date. It’s like she’s become distant, so you become distant. Match and mirror that.
I’m setting dates each week, sometimes we see each other two times a week, sometimes we see each other once. Anyway, the other day she texted me and I wanted to see her, so I called her and asked her what she was doing, she replied with “nothing.” I then asked her if she wanted to come over to my place.
What you should have said is “We should get together. Get your cute little ass over here. Let’s go have some fun.” But instead you’re like, “Hey, would you like to come over and hang out with me?”
She flat out said “to be honest, not really.” This has never happened to me before with her, so I was taken back a bit.
Come on man. That’s not surprising at all. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.
I just said “Look, no problem.” She then says, “Oh did you want to see me?”
Now, she’s kind of trolling you. Just from that kind of a response and the tone of that, “Oh, did you want to see me?” She knows that you wanted to see her. She’s just kind of acting like she doesn’t give a shit, because she understands that she’s got all the power and you don’t, because you gave it to her.
I said, “Yeah of course.” She then says “Ohh, sorry. Well I haven’t shaved,” blah blah blah.
I would have said, “You haven’t shaved? Well, you should definitely get your cute little ass over here, and I will shave your legs and your other naughty parts for you. And maybe a few other things.“
I then say, “Look, don’t worry. If you aren’t up for it, it’s fine.”
That sounds like you’re a little butt-hurt. Always go with the flow and use humor, it’s so helpful.
She then apologizes but still said she doesn’t want to. I end up saying, “I’m going for a run. That’s all I wanted, speak soon,” and had left it at that. To me this is a bit of a sign of disinterest.
You think? She knows that you’re more into her than she is into you. Women don’t want the power, and you’ve given her all the power. And so, obviously she knows she’s in a pretty good place. She doesn’t fear losing you. She knows she has you. And that’s what women do. They create a little bit of drama when they’re a little too sure of themselves, just to see what happens and how you react.
I didn’t make them that way. It’s just, you know, God’s got a sense of humor and he likes to fuck with us guys through the women in our lives. It is what it is. If you don’t like it, you can talk to the big man upstairs. I had nothing to do with it. I’m just the messenger, just telling you. I’m just interpolating for you.
She may have gotten a little too familiar with me and my feelings might not be so unclear to her. In times like this, what’s the best thing to do? I understand women can be hot and cold. But yeah, I just want your input.
Well, you’ve got to match and mirror her actions I wouldn’t ask her out for a week. Obviously, she’s going to probably continue to text you. But I would wait a week, and maybe a week and a half, before you ask her out again. So, just see what happens. Your responses and your text exchanges — think about it from this perspective — if your attraction for her had dropped and you became kind of bored with her and you were tired of fucking her, because no matter how hot the girl is, somewhere there’s a dude that is tired of fucking her and wants nothing to do with her. That’s the truth. That’s the reality.
And how would you act if you were kind of tired of fucking her, and you’re kind of bored talking to her, and on top of that she’s acting like she doesn’t care, she’s taking you for granted? And then you’ve got your friends, your boys, going, “Hey, dude, let’s go out. We haven’t been out in a few weeks. You’ve been hanging out with your girlfriend all the time.” You’d be like, “I want to go throw some darts with the boys, or have some beers, or play some pool, or go to the gun range, or do something fun and masculine, or go off-roading somewhere, or mudding or whatever. Or go paragliding, or hang gliding, or jump out of an airplane and skydiving, or go do some fun stuff with the guys, because it’s more fun to hang out with them.
Because you’ve got your girlfriends going, “Ehh, yeah, I really don’t want to see you.” My friends are going, “Please come out with us because we haven’t hung out in a while.” Go hang out with them, go where the fun is. Go where you’re celebrated, go where you’re wanted, go where you’re valued. Go where people really want you to be there. That’s the way you should approach this.
So your attitude should be like, you know what, I wouldn’t ask her out for a week and a half, because if you guys see each other once or twice a week and then you just stop asking her out, even though she’s still texting you, she’s going to notice that you stopped moving forward. Your replies will have a little less enthusiasm. There won’t be as many.
Also notice, how many words are in your text message versus hers? Make sure your words, your responses, are a little shorter than hers. It’s little subtle things, but it makes a big difference. Then if she keeps texting you and then you’re like, “Oh, hey, great hearing from you, babe. I’ve got to run. I’m going to go out with the guys,” or “I’m going to see my parents,” or whatever. Go do something fun and just don’t ask her to join or anything.
So unless she brings up getting together for the next, I would say, week and a half, then don’t bring it up. And then wait until a week and a half from now to ask her to do something and see how she is. Because if she’s used to seeing you once or twice a week and then a week and a half goes by and you haven’t asked her out once and yet, she’s contacting you every day and your responses are slower, and they’re shorter, and they seem to have less enthusiasm — because again, how would you act if you were slightly bored or less interested?
And I know you’re in a relationship with her, but if another girl was blowing up your phone with, “I want to see you,” how would you act? You’re going to go where you’re celebrated, not where you’re kind of tolerated, or with a girl like, “Ehh. Yeah, I really don’t want to see you. I’m not feeling it.” You’re not going to validate that. You’re not you’re not going to go after somebody that’s treating you that way.
So like I said, wait a week and a half before you ask her out again, maybe even two weeks, maybe give it two weeks before you ask her out. Just see what she does. Because then, she’s going to start wondering, “Why is she not asking me out? We usually see each other once or twice a week. Did I piss him off? Did he meet somebody else? Is he not interested? He is taking a little longer to respond. And I texted him the other night at eight o’clock, and he usually replies within an hour or two, and I didn’t hear from him until the next morning. And he was out with friends. Were there other girls there? What was going on?”
This is the kind of shit that goes through their minds. And what does that do? If they’re thinking about you? It makes them like you more. It makes their interest go up, and that’s what you want.
So, again, I highly recommend, you’ve got to read “How To Be A 3% Man.” You’ve got to learn the fundamentals. I say 10 to 15 times because you have to read it 10 to 15 times until you get to know it so well, you don’t have to think about it anymore. And this second guy hasn’t read the book enough, and the first guy hasn’t even read it.
And also, I would suggest getting into “Mastering Yourself” because there’s a lot of stuff about purpose and mission in here. It’s a book of self reliance. If you’re worried about what your girl is doing, get busy reading a book on self-reliance and implementing the things that are in there.
And if you feel like you’d like to get my help personally with your particular situation and you’re just kind of confused, you want to make sure you get the right analysis from somebody that actually knows what they’re talking about, and has a track record, the reviews and the books to back it up. Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women ask for space when they feel smothered and like they are losing their freedom. This is usually the result of men being too aggressive and pushy to spend time together due to insecurity and neediness or their need for constant validation on where they stand with women. Women’s feelings are like Mother Nature’s unpredictable weather patterns. They ebb and flow. Men should not take this personally, but instead just focus on themselves, their purpose and mission in life and leave women alone when they become distant. They should have the attitude that if they’re really a good match, the women will return and if they don’t it just means that eventually they will find and attract women who are better looking and better for them. Time and space away from each other always reveals true interest and passion, or lack thereof.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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