She Pulled Away After It Stopped Being Casual. What Do I Do Now?

What to do when a woman pulls away after you start becoming serious.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman that lived three hours away, but visited his city every few weeks. Things started out casual, but as he became overly invested and smothered her, she backed off. He’s having a hard time keeping it together and doesn’t know what to do.

She’s become a little warmer, but is still distant and unwilling to make plans. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So in this particular email, this guy met a woman. She lived about three hours away, but she often would drive to a city like every few weeks because, I think, she’s from there and she’s got family there and she would come and visit. So I think she had just had a breakup or got out of a relationship, and up front, she’s just like, she really wants something casual, hanging out, having fun, hooking up, no pressure for a relationship or nothing, but unfortunately, he became a little overly invested, pursued too much, smothered her. Now she’s kind of backed off and he’s having a hard time keeping together because he really likes her.

It sucks when this happens. We’ve all been there. You really like a girl. Things are going well at first. She’s really into you also. Then a few weeks later, she’s distant, can’t seem to find time in her schedule to fit you in because work is crazy or she’s so busy. So he’s starting to apply what’s in the book and back off, even though it’s really hard. She is starting to come around and become a little warmer, but it’s not happening fast enough and he’s having a hard time with it. So let’s go through his email and see if we can see, because he wants to speed things up, and that’s part of the problem. He’s focused too much on how much time they’re spending together, or in this case, how much time they’re not spending together. He wants to progress. He remembers how it was in the beginning when she was really into him, or much more into him than she is now, and it’s like she just can’t find time in her schedule.

So this is where a man really learns self-control, is when he goes through this, because this is where knowing the book really well helps you from getting totally overwhelmed by your emotions when you’re in something like this, because most guys have never been with somebody that lights them up on the inside the way that this guy’s experiencing, and if you’re not used to it, all your fears, your insecurities, your doubts, you have to deal with them. You have to learn to overcome them, because you’re supposed to be more masculine than she is. Masculinity is calm, and in this guy’s case, he’s having a hard time staying calm because he’s so worried about the future or what may or may not happen, instead of really just letting her come to him at her pace.

Anytime you’re dating somebody that’s right out of a breakup, you got to expect hot and cold behavior. More than likely a 75% chance that she did the dumping. So the ex is probably trying to get her back, and if she was with him for several years, she’s got more time with him than you do. So the other guy has more leverage. So you gotta let women, in these cases, come to you and do most of the pursuing and all of it. Once they really become invested, because as soon as you start to pursue, then it starts to feel too much like a relationship. Again, that’s why the book says just focus on creating the opportunity for sex to happen, and the relationship part, she’ll bring it up. It’s her job to win you over, convince you to be her boyfriend and be exclusive.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work for years. I originally found it whilst…

So I assume he’s either in the UK or Australia.

…Navigating a previous relationship that lasted four years before work commitments eventually guided us down different paths. Great experience. I read the book 2-3x a year but I’d really value your perspective on this one.

I’m 33, she’s 22, both out of long-term relationships (me 18 months, her maybe six).

I mean, she’s pretty young. So young that age, she just wants to have a good time, get used to what life is like being single, especially if the other guy was a lot of drama, he was controlling or they had problems, but you can see it’s like she’s hot, she’s young and he’s really into it. She is his Kryptonite.

We’d known each other for years through our hometown but were never both single until now. I still live in our hometown, she lives three hours away but visits regularly. 

After chatting for a few weeks, we arranged to meet. Following the vibe, I actually messaged beforehand asking whether we were genuinely looking to date or just have some fun.

Well, if you read the book 20 times, why would you even ask something like that? Instead of just, “Hey, I’d love to see you. Let’s get together and hang out, have fun, and hookup.” That already shows me, despite the reading the book 20 times, you’re already focused on a relationship that’s like a, “What are we?” That’s just wrong.

Again, if you’re focusing on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, you’re not going to be asking those kinds of questions. So right there, that gives away what part of the problem is. He’s focused on locking her down and basically taking the woman’s role. She even tells him, women help you when they like you, she tells him like, “Gotta slow your roll. Let me come to you,” as one of my girlfriends and her mother taught me many, many decades ago, but it’s hard when you really like the girl. Especially, you can just imagine, he’s 33. She’s 22, probably smoking, very feminine, gets lots of attention, lots of dudes want her.

She agreed it was the latter but said we could still go for drinks first.

In other words, she was down to hook up.

We did, had a great time, and despite the distance ended up seeing each other once or twice a week over the next month.

Initially it was hotel meetups and sex…

Again, a woman in this kind of situation just wants no strings attached, hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. Easy-going, easy to get along with, letting her come and go. Remember, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You got to let women come to you at their pace. So by doing that, just no drama, you gotta assume the other guy is still in the picture, the ex, she probably dumped in most of the time.

So what happens is if that guy’s around, you’re around and there might be a third dude that she knows as well. She’s hot, she’s young, she’s probably got lots of guys that hear that she’s single and want to go out with her. So what she’s going to do is she’s going to test all the guys and whoever is the most masculine, whoever has the tightest game is who she’s going to spend most of her time with, and she’s going to pursue that guy. So less really is more in these instances, especially so with a girl that just had a breakup.

…But it naturally evolved into spending any time together whenever we were in the same city, coffee, pizza, walks, etc.

Hang out, have fun, and hook up. That’s what a date is. You’re maybe going for coffee, maybe you’re going for pizza, maybe it’s just a walk. You don’t have to spend a ton of money. The date is just you and her. She’s on the date because she wants to spend time with you regardless of whatever the activity is. You don’t have to break the bank if you’re on a budget. You’re the main event. Think about it. The master of ceremonies.

Early on we spoke about how we couldn’t just rely on opportunity (distance). Instead of simply finding time, we’d have to make time.

More than likely, he was probably bringing that up, basically prodding her, probably because she felt a little distant and basically him saying, “Hey, you need to make the time to see me” is probably how it came across. Again, remember that earlier statement earlier up in the email? This is not what the 3% Man should be doing. He should be focusing on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up when it works for both of them, and just be happy, enchanted, bewildered, and glad that she’s available and you’re available.

We both agreed, and she later referenced that when arranging another meetup and inviting me to her city.

Everything genuinely felt easy. Great sex, connection, and reciprocal investment. Although we’d labelled it as casual…

Notice how he’s saying “we.” It’s probably her, and he’s going along with it because again, he’s focused on locking her down.

…Our behavior increasingly contradicted that.

I would say his behavior did, and he was focused a little too much on how much he liked her and kind of ignoring that she wasn’t in the same place. He’s not really much of a challenge here, even from the get-go. He made it clear that that’s the vibe he wants, is he wants her, probably liked her for many years, and now he’s got his chance and he can’t really see it. He’s blinded. It’s a scotoma.

We were intentionally making plans, accommodating schedules and behaving far more like two people getting to know each other than simply hooking up.

Well, all relationships start out as casual anyways. When the girl likes you more and you’re just easy-going, you don’t pressure her, she’ll call you and text you more, and she’ll come up with more reasons to come visit family and obviously come visit you. She’d be stuck to you like a sucker-fish, and then she might even move back to her city where you are. If you’re following what’s in the book, that’s eventually what happens, but he started to care too much.

The turning point seemed to come after she invited me down to hers. We acted very couple-like…

Notice how much he’s focused on the relationship. Dude, this is feminine energy. You’re acting too much like a girl and ruining the sexual polarity. You’re like a chick. A chick trying to lock another chick down to a relationship.

…And agreed the connection had naturally grown beyond just sex.

Probably because he was bringing it up and talking about it.

Days after, she began to pull back, still communication, just less, so I mirrored it and gave space.

She was due back in my city two weekends later. We hadn’t arranged to meet, so I invited her over on the Thursday.

Again, it doesn’t sound like he’s letting her come to him. It sounds like he’s worried that she’s distant and worried that it’s possible she comes to visit and doesn’t get in touch and doesn’t even want to see him. So to avoid that, he’s pursuing her a little too much.

She declined and, unlike every other time, gave no alternative.

See what I mean? He could feel her slipping away. So this is the illusion of action. “I got to do something. Well, if I can just get her to agree to a date…” But you see he’s pursuing, so he should have just let her come and go, because she’s not the one reaching out. He is.

I sent a playful tennis ball message saying I’d like to see her and, if she felt the same, to hit it back with an idea of when worked.

Did you actually say that to her? Why would you do that? It’s like he’s trying to copy and paste from the book. You gotta be a little more original.

Again, when a woman is not making herself available, and when you actually ask her out for a date, not only does she decline, she doesn’t offer an alternative, that means, “I don’t really want to see you.” So as soon as you get that, you just stop. That’s it. You don’t move forward, you don’t call, you don’t text, you don’t do nothing. She reaches out, assumes she wants to see you, try to make a date. If she won’t, then you stop asking because then it’s two times you got shot down in a row, and then you wait for her to bring it up. So at this point, he should have completely stopped all forward movement and doing nothing.

She replied saying she did want to keep seeing me but wanted to check we were on the same page because she didn’t have the capacity for anything serious after her breakup.

So this is her basically saying she feels him pressuring her. That’s why you gotta let women come to you at their pace. You’re acting like a girl instead of just focusing on hanging out, having fun, beating up her pelvis, and making her cum like a waterfall.

Looking back, I was less casual here. Partly bummed we didn’t see each other but more out of confusion at the change in pattern.

Well bro, you read the books. You didn’t realize that you were over-pursuing. She’s backing away and the illusion of action got you.

I’ve attached the “What are we?” conversation that followed…

Again, more of him focusing on the relationship. Again, this is the opposite of what the book teaches.

…Along with my final message, which she’s yet to reply to (two weeks now, though she’s been on vacation a week).

So let me go through the text exchange. Let me pull that up here. All right. So this is like her response back to him. You could tell he’s like acting a little needy and she’s just irritated with it. This is a 22 year old, remember 22 year old girl.

Jessica: “I genuinely can’t.”

Oh, let me do the girl voice.

“I have a stacked weekend with work, studies, family, friends and commitments.”

Bob: “OK, grump. Look, I want to see you again. So here.”

And he’s got a tennis ball emoji in there, and then he’s got a crying, laughing face.

Bob: “You figure out whether you want the same and hit this back when you have a good idea for how or when we can make it happen.”

Jessica: “Not grumpy, genuinely can’t this week. I like spending time with you, and I do want to keep seeing you, but I also want to make sure we are on the same page because we haven’t exactly been clear on this… I don’t have the capacity into anything serious with anybody still feeling relatively fresh out of the long term relationship, and obviously I thought it was the same vibe from you. So just want to double check you’re good with that.”

And then she has a little tennis ball.

Jessica: “Back over.”

Bob: “Firstly, this is a baseball…”

With a crying laugh emoji. OK, that’s kind of funny, actually. So the little emoji, I thought it was a tennis ball, but actually what he says, it’s a baseball.

So his response to her saying, “I like spending time with you” is…

Bob: “Bottom line, yes, we’re on the same page, but I definitely think it’s worth covering in person. So easy to misconstrue a message. So I make a habit of keeping real conversations real. This week’s been chaos and the weekends now look similar. Not sure on your plans, but if a coffee works Sunday Monday before you head back down, let’s try to do that.”

So she laughs at his joke about that. It’s a baseball and not a tennis ball.

So again, he’s mentioning coffee and she said…

Jessica: “I’ve got a family barbecue thing today. Drinks in town this evening and brunch with the girls tomorrow morning. So I genuinely don’t think this weekend works.”

Notice her replies are short, his are long. So again, this is a guy that’s totally focused on his interests and he’s not reading the room, and he’s basically like, “Hey, why don’t you want to see me?” It’s kind of the whole vibe, and she’s annoyed with it.

Bob: “We said from the start, we be transparent with each other. So I’m cashing that in. It feels like we’ve drifted a bit. We started out feeling really fun and exciting. Now feels like a little disconnected. And if I’m honest, I’m not enjoying this version of it as much. When something feels off, I’ve always thought it’s better to acknowledge it than sit there making assumptions. Maybe you felt it too. Maybe you haven’t, but I’m keen to know your take on it?”

So this is like, him kind of whining about a relationship. He’s just making it clear that he’s upset that she’s not more invested than she is, which again, that doesn’t make a woman like you. It dries her up, and you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches.

So that’s Saturday. So this message that he had sent was on the 31st of May. So she waits until the 6th of June to reply. So almost a week later.

Jessica: “Hello, hello. Sorry it’s taking me ages to reply. Not intentionally ignoring, but probably a reflection of how preoccupied I am with everything else in life right now. Yes, agreed. Vibe is different, but like I said the other day, I don’t have the capacity for anything more (which you seem to agree with), and it’s quite hard to balance that and also continue seeing each other, which effectively becomes dating. Especially with the geographical distance. It’s hard to keep casual. I genuinely have just been busy here and there and everywhere over the past couple of months, so there’s not been a chance really to reach out.”

So again, her just going, “Oh, I’m busy, busy, busy, busy.” At the end of the day, her interest is low and he’s not reading it because again, he’s mad that she doesn’t want to spend time with him, but it’s important. Everything you’re communicating is like, “Why don’t you want to have a relationship with me?” That’s not what the book teaches, but it’s how you’re acting. It’s the vibe you’re giving off, and she’s giving you that feedback. S

he’s also saying she wants to continue seeing you. So you’re still in the game, but you got to fucking stop. Just hit the brakes and stop pursuing. Stop giving her a hard time. This does not make her want you more. It pisses her off and dries her up because you’re getting butt- hurt like a little girl. “Yeah well, you want to see me?”

Bob: “Agreed about the geography when seeing each other is less spontaneous and involves a little planning, the dynamic does become less casual. The Bristol trip probably shifted things too. It showed there was a genuine connection, and now we both enjoyed spending time together beyond just hooking up.”

You know, everything is like we, we, we, we, us, us, like we’re a couple, the way he’s talking about it. He’s talking about it like a girl and she’s very brief. She’s like a small paragraph. She’s not really saying much. So you can tell he cares way more about her than she does about him, and he’s not seeing it. Again, she’s his Kryptonite, and this is what happens.

Bob: “Was it evolving more and perhaps faster than we initially anticipated? Maybe. But attraction, good chat, great sex and a genuine connection will do that. I’ll be honest though, whilst we both don’t want anything heavy or complicated, the way things were evolving didn’t really alarm me.”

It’s like he’s taking this so, love is playful and fun, dude. You’re being all serious. The whole thing is like, “Why don’t you like me? Why won’t you spend time with me?” It’s terrible. Don’t do this. Don’t talk like this.

Bob: “I wasn’t looking to label us as casual dating or anything else. I just knew I enjoyed seeing you and wanted to continue doing so, and that’s still how I feel. I suppose what I’m trying to understand is whether the evolution of things made you less interested in continuing, or whether we’re simply trying to work out what this looks like from here.”

Again, he’s just focused on locking her down. I’ll tell you what, she read that and was just like, “Ugh.” I could just imagine her doing a female eye roll there because again, it’s like he’s still not getting the message. He’s still basically communicating he’s butt-hurt and upset. He’s way more serious about this than she is, and that’s why she just hasn’t responded. She’s just letting him hang.

Interestingly during the last two weeks, she occasionally engaged to Instagram stories, and recently replied warmly to a message.

So if she replies, like you post something and she says, “Oh, this is great,” you can heart that message.

I reached out casually saying the trip looked great and we should catch up when she’s back.

“More. Please pay attention to me. Hey, I want to see you.” It’s like, just chill out dude!

She replied saying it was great and that she was actually meant to be in my city that weekend but stayed home “unfortunately.”

What am I missing? Her actions showed increasing investment, whilst her later words suggested she wasn’t ready for where this seemed to be heading. Have I/we over-complicated this…

You over-complicated it. She just wanted to hang out and get fucked and you’re like, “Stop. Pay attention to me, mommy. Be my mommy. I need an attaboy that you still like me.” Don’t behave this way, dude.

…Or does this genuinely read like someone who recognized the connection was becoming more relationship-shaped than they were emotionally ready for?

Well, it’s because you were focusing on that. Again, the book tells you not to do this for this exact reason. Your job is just to create the opportunity for sex to happen. The rest of the time, she can do whatever she’s going to do. When she misses you, she reaches out and you arrange the next get together. It’s very simple. The more she likes you, the more she’s going to want to call and hang out, or maybe call and connect. You do a video date when she can’t come see you or you can’t come see her.

More importantly, what do you think this situation needs now if there is any chance of reigniting it?

Thanks, Coach.

Bob

You need to stop pursuing her and just let her fucking be. When she’s back in town, if she wants to see you, she’s going to reach out. She’ll let you know that she’s coming to visit or whatever. If she just sends you a meme, you can like it and say, “Hey, what’s new with you? What have you been up to?” And see what she has to say. See if she brings up getting together because there’s so much of nothing happening here, and you asking to see her and bringing it up, and she just kind of sidesteps it, ignores it or tells you how busy she is, I would just wait until she says, “Hey, I’m going to be in town next week” and you got to let her bring up wanting to see you at this point. That’s what I would do.

In other words, let her bring up seeing you or getting together or, “Hey, I’m going to have a weekend open if you’re available” or something like that or “We can grab that coffee,” which I would do dinner or drinks or something like that, or invite her over to make dinner at your place. This girl was very clear she just wanted casual sex, and that’s all you had to do, was provide that. When she reached out, you assume she wants to see you. Make the next get together happen. The more she likes you, the more she calls and texts. Instead, you started acting like the girl too much trying to lock her down, and you’re still doing that. You haven’t blown it completely, but you just gotta hang back, let her be, and stop asking her out. Wait until she’s in town again. When she’s available, she’ll let you know. Your inaction will actually be attractive to her at this point.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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