She Said It Wasn’t A Good Idea To See Each Other Again

What it means when she says she doesn’t think it’s a good idea to see each other.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who only read the book once. He made a lot a mistakes and broke up with his ex when she moved away for a year. Once she moved back he invited her to get together for drinks. She said she didn’t think that was a good idea.

He wonders if she’s just testing him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Usually when women say things like that, it’s kind of like a test. In other words, their interest is kind of low, but your response to it and being direct and decisive and coming back with something like, “Well, I think it’s a great idea to get together,” especially when it’s an ex or somebody you used to date. “I don’t think it’s a good idea that we get together.” “We haven’t seen each other in forever and we always have fun with your schedule.” Like you just go right into being direct and decisive. That could be enough from a woman who’s hesitant to like, “OK.” Then she goes out and she has a really good time with you, and then you end up hooking up again. Then her attitude changes, her vibe changes. So it’s important to respond the right way to give yourself the best possible chance to get together, but the flip side is you don’t want to go trying to twist the girl’s arm if she really doesn’t want to see you.

So like in this case, this guy, he only read the book once. Started doing well with this girl that he met right around that time or right after. Never went back to the book. They dated. Things were a little rocky because he didn’t really know the book. Then she moved away for a year, which it seems like he kind of encouraged her to do. Then recently, she just moved back to town. He’s like in college, and I think she moved away for a job or something like that. He said, “We should get together for drinks and catch up.” She says, “Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” So he sends us a play-by-play and asks what he should do and what it means. He’s wondering, “Is she just testing me?” I mean, it clearly means her interest isn’t super high. She’s not like, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you,” but it’s more of she dated him for a while. Her feelings, because again, it was like a year ago, have leveled off. She hasn’t outright reject him, and that’s typically when women do, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to get together.”

So let’s go through it because he kind of does go into detail on some of the mistakes he made. I think he said he was dealing with some mental health issues, which again, those things are not going to make you look attractive. If you got mental health issues and you’re dumping them in her lap and making her deal with them, it’s harder to repair things or re-attract a woman when you display a lot of unattractive behavior.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Love the videos. I have read the book twice now. The first time I read the book I was about halfway through and found a very nice woman.

So I guess he didn’t even actually read it the whole way through.

I set dates over text (mistakenly) and we got together. We had great fun, we talked, laughed, drank, etc. The next day she messaged me saying that she had a great night and wanted to meet up the next day. She had realized that we lived closer than we originally thought so the next day we got together and spent the day together and ended up having a great time that night.

So I’m assuming that means the indoor Olympics happened.

This continued for another three-ish months and I was wondering why she didn’t ask me to be in a relationship.

Well, you never really finished reading the book, number one. So you clearly were still doing and saying things that were unattractive that kept her from falling deeply head over heels in love with you and wanting, or I should say, feeling most importantly, that she wanted to have a relationship with you.

I ended up eventually asking her and from that point we had agreed.

More than likely, she probably just went along with it.

I drove to hers most weekends whilst also being in and out of work, I applied the principles which I had known from the book.

Or at least the ones that he kind of remembered.

A few months had passed and I had further mental health issues which then caused me to do something devastating which was I created a dating account to fill my attention span whilst not being around her. To this day I look back and still wonder why I did that.

Well, because you’re probably frustrated that she’s not more into you than she should be. At the end of the day, dude, you didn’t take me seriously when I told you to read the book 10 to 15 times. You weren’t a very good student.

So like I said, from what you said, it looks like you just finished reading the book halfway and then stopped when you started getting your noodle wet. A lot of guys do that, and that’s where they really screw up because they’re like, “Man, I’m getting laid. This girl is really into me. This is so easy.” Then they never go back to the book. They think they got it down pat, and then when they don’t learn the relationship skills and later need them, like in this guy’s case, he still is oblivious to the fact that she didn’t want to get serious because he never got her attraction level to that point, because he was still doing too many unattractive things.

Obviously this did not go down well with her and someway we managed to work through it and we stayed together but the relationship felt slightly off since that point happened.

Well again, because he didn’t really feel like she was 100% in, he’s not really feeling the commitment. There’s probably times he wanted to see her where she was unwilling to see him or had low interest. So instead of blowing it up, he just thought, “You know what? I’ll just see what else is out there.”

We went on holiday together a month later and had a great time and I had encouraged her to go away and do extra work for a year whilst I had to return to my further studies. When the time came where I had to go back to studying and she had to go away it was quite a sad moment because I had been improving my health and getting back on track and we both cried knowing that we would be split for a year.

Well, what’s meant for you won’t miss you.

We had both said when she was to return that either myself or her would get in contact with each other. We never did say to break up but it was a mutual thought between us that the relationship had ended.

Well I mean, it sounds like she’s in another country. I mean, the bottom line is neither one of you, even just looking at your actions, considered doing long-distance or even tried to do long-distance.

Throughout the year she enjoyed herself and I focused on my studies, we kept in contact once every month maybe sometimes more for the regular checkup. Now she has returned after a year and I am finishing my studies. She seems to be keeping in contact with me and being friendly, perhaps I had overdone it when I was the one contacting her instead of her contacting me.

Well, you don’t know the book, so you probably over-pursuing this whole time and communicating that you’re way more into her than she’s into you, and women like it when it’s the other way around. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you overdid it, as you said, you over-validate, there’s nothing that’s really a challenge. She doesn’t have to work to get you. So her interest stays low. Especially if you’re doing all the pursuing, you’re basically acting like the woman.

Again, this the reason why you don’t realize this or understand it because you didn’t take me seriously when I said read the book 10 to 15 times. You’re still making lots of mistakes, and you were oblivious that they were mistakes.

We talked about DJ stuff and miscellaneous items for no more than five back and forth things on text. 

So I assume he means five messages.

The other day I messaged her and said when I get back I would like to meet up for some drinks, what’s your availability at blah blah and at blah blah. She said I would like to go to dinner at 3 a.m. with some kisses, etc. I automatically knew she was drunk from the way she was texting.

The next morning I thought all was well until she said that she didn’t think it would be a good idea to go out for dinner anymore. So I flipped the script and said, “That’s fine. Let’s do drinks instead.” She then proceeded to say that she didn’t think it would be a good idea if we saw each other at all.

So a response to that, again, because you’re trying to set the appointment, it’s kind of like any of you guys that are in sales, you got a client that’s waffling a little bit. They’re not completely sold. So you want to apply a little direct pressure. Like in this case, if your prospect is waffling, you say, “Well, I haven’t seen you in a year. I’d love to catch up and hear what your year’s been like and obviously see your cute face. What’s your schedule like?” So you don’t want to be deterred. You don’t want to be bothered by that because oftentimes, especially when she may have felt like you didn’t care at times or her interest is low, that’s when she’s gonna say, in other words, “Do I really want to see this guy again? He was kind of a bitch.” In other words, she’s like, “I’m not really feeling it.” She’s not super into it because again, if he’s over-pursuing her, her feelings aren’t there. That’s the most important thing.

Women don’t care about what a great guy you are. They don’t care about the fun you had a year-and-a-half, two years ago. They only care about how they feel about you today. So the bottom line is, that he didn’t keep her interest high, her interest dropped. So that’s why she’s saying she doesn’t think it’s a good idea to get together or see each other at all making it easy for him just to get demotivated and go away, but as a man, you’re supposed to be direct and decisive and hold their feet to the fire, because we know that he did a lot of unattractive things. Especially with the mental health stuff, going online, those kinds of things. Especially if she’s had a long time away and he over-pursued, you know, she looks at the way he treated her is like, “Eh, I’m not really feeling it. It’s not really worth it.”

My instinct is telling me that she is testing me here because of my past mistakes.

Yep. I would say that’s accurate.

I kept it light and cheerful by making a joke, “You don’t think, that seems a bit uncertain” and then proceeding to reiterate, “I would like to meet up for some drinks and so-and-so” and at the end of the message I said, “If you change your mind, get in touch,” and left it at that. She reiterated the fact again and said: “Ummm OK, I don’t think we should see each other.” 

Again, a woman’s emotions and feelings, we know that they change like the weather. Therefore, that’s why you don’t burn a bridge and say, “Hey, well hit me up if you change your mind, I’d love to see you,” and you just leave it at that. Maybe a week later she goes out and has a terrible first date with a new guy and she thinks, “Hey, maybe I was a little harsh on Bob. Maybe I should see what he’s been up to.” Then she reaches back out and then you set the date.

Again reiterating ” I don’t think.” I am 99.9% sure she is testing me again, but my valiant choice at this point is just to turn around and not look back.

Well, that’s pretty much all you can do, because the one thing she’s not doing is going, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you!” She’s like, “Eh, I don’t think we should see each other” because again, her interest is low. Then again, remember when she had a buzz on the night before, she’s like, “Hey, let’s get together.” So she has a couple drinks in her a few days or a week or so later, she went like, “Hey, you! What are you doing?” If it’s like nine, 10:00 at night and she’s like, “Hey, what are you doing?” Just say, “Come over.” Give her your address. Especially if you’re not living where you used to live before, tell her to come over and she probably will.

Only ever if she gets in contact with me again then we should set a date, but yeah I am a bit confused on what to do next.

Bob

Well, in this case, I wouldn’t even take her out on a date. I would invite her over to make dinner together. So she reaches back out, say, “Hey, let’s get together at my place. We’ll make some drinks and cook some food and catch up.” So I would be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because I wouldn’t even, her behavior doesn’t warrant a date, but you’re open to being convinced that her enthusiasm is starting to return. Therefore, you’re happy to have a nice, quiet evening at your place, making dinner and having some drinks together. If you hang out, have fun, and hook up three dates in a row when she comes over three times, I would let her do all the reaching out from this point forward. No more contact initiation from you.

If she does that, if she comes over, but be prepared, she might try to waffle on coming over for drinks and try to get you to meet for lunch or something like that, or in a group setting, don’t agree to any of that, because you want to keep things romantic, because it’s clear her interest is low. So she’s going to test you and push back, which is what she’s doing. Again, the reason why you’re not getting enthusiasm to get together is because her interest is low. So she doesn’t say, “No, I never want to see you again.” She just says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” So that what that means is that statement could go either way. It’s like a gut check. It’s like, “Hey, let me tweak your balls a little bit to see if you’re man enough to stand up to me and not let me waste your time.”

So you’ve done the right things at this point, and now the ball’s in your court. One of two things are going to happen: She’ll reach out, you’ll try to set the next date, which is inviting her over to make dinner. Then she may try to balk at that. She might try to get you meet for coffee or some kind of platonic thing. Just say, “Nah, it’s just been a long week. I’m just the mood to hang out at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner and have drinks, well give me a call in a couple weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then.”

So you want her to do things on your terms, and just standing up to her like that is often enough for her to go from, “Well, I remember how things were” to “He seems a little different. I can’t believe he said no to me. I can’t believe he didn’t want to meet me for coffee. He only wants to do dinner at his place.” Then she’s got to see what has changed about you, and then she’ll agree to it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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