What you should do if a woman you are dating is losing interest and she says something is missing.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been getting some mixed signals from a woman he has been dating for about two months. In the past two weeks she has come over to his house to supposedly end things for good on two occasions.
She says something is missing and she is unsure if he is the one for her. He walked away, but after three days he reached out to her again. He’s unsure if he handled it right and what he should do going forward so she falls for him and wants to be together. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve got an email here from a guy who’s been dating a woman for about two months, and in the last couple of weeks, she’s come over on two different occasions to basically end things. The first time she came over to end things, they ended up hanging out, having fun and hooking up, and the last time came over kind of the same thing.
So, this guy obviously admits he’s made a few mistakes, but he’s trying to figure out, did I play this right or not? Because he kind of went no contact with her, and then he only held out for a few days and then reached out. And you can kind of see the effect of doing that, of saying one thing, setting and enforcing your healthy boundary and then walking away, but then going back on your word.
Because you have to say what you mean and mean what you say, especially when it comes to women, because if you tell a woman something like, “Hey, get in touch with me when you figure out your schedule,” and then a day or two later you call her up, “Hey, did you figure out your schedule?” it shows that you’re not comfortable enough in yourself to wait for her to reach out — that you’re bothered, that you’re needy — and that has a negative effect on her attraction.
But if you love and you value and you respect yourself, you want to make sure that the other person is going to make the mutual effort. And if they don’t, you’ll just let the whole thing dissolve, because you want to be wanted as well. You deserve to have somebody that wants to be with you. But the most important thing is that they’ll make the effort to be with you. And that’s something that you just can’t force.
And a lot of guys that are in that fearful state and they really like a woman that they’re dating and they’re unsure, when they can also feel that she’s not feeling the same thing they are, they try to force it. They try to force more interactions through phone calls, through texting, through spending more, trying to spend more time together than she’s ready for, because the last thing they want to find out is that she’s not into them, are not that into him, or that she’s lost interest in them. And so, their fear of trying to avoid that event causes them to behave in unattractive ways that actually make that event happen.
I know a lot of people when they first come to me, these are the kinds of things that the women they’re interacting with, they’re confusing to them. And then obviously they’re overwhelmed with their emotions, because a lot of times the guys are in the weaker position of leverage, meaning they’re way more into her than she is into them. And obviously, from a leverage perspective, that’s just not a good place to be. And on top of that, if you’re in a fearful state, you’re going to tend to do things that are going to end up manifesting more of what you fear.
Most guys are not used to bouncing, especially women, out of their lives and walking away from them permanently when they’re not getting treated the way they want or getting the reciprocal interest. It’s really hard when you’re into somebody emotionally and you’re kind of letting your emotions get the best of you and cause you to get carried away.
I have to say, I think that I messed up a little bit. I’ve been seeing this girl for two months, and last night she came over for the second time to “end things.” She did the same thing about two weeks ago, but then after a quick 3-day break of no contact, I broke the no contact rule, (my bad I know), and she came over for dinner and we had a little indoor aerobics session.
Guys will do that and they will hold out for a few days, and then they can’t take it anymore. And so, what’s happened is, her interest was going down, and then you go no contact and it starts to go up a little bit. And it’s like you’re not waiting for it to really go back up and start to peak. The idea is, she says, “Hey, you know,” — like obviously in this case, she’s not feeling it — “Something doesn’t feel right. There’s something missing, there’s no spark,” those kinds of things.
And so, you have to let her be, because she’s basically coming to you saying, “Hey, I don’t really think you’re that great of a dude and you’re really not making my pussy wet. It’s actually dryer than a bucket of sand, and I’m not really that turned on by you. And I don’t think you’re that great.” That’s not the words that she’s saying, but in essence, she’s basically saying, “Ehh, you suck, I’m not interested in you, and I think I’m going to go find some other dude.”
But that’s not how it comes out. How it comes out is in a way to try to shield your feelings and not hurt you emotionally. And so, at the end of the day, it’s still a rejection. And obviously it’s much better to be the dumper than to dumpee. It’s much better to be doing the rejecting than being the one who gets rejected. It just feels better that way.
Because from a guy’s perspective, we’re driven by purpose, drive, mission, succeeded and accomplishing. We’re driven to succeed and make things happen. But when it comes to how a woman feels about you, we don’t really have any control over that and how she feels other than how we show up. And so, if we show up in unattractive ways, she’s going to get turned off and back away.
And if you try to force that, she just runs away harder, just like chasing the cat that’s jumped out of your lap because it doesn’t want to be petted anymore. And then you run after it and grab it, put it back in your lap and stop petting, the cat will start to get pissed off after a little while. It doesn’t like that. Your attitude should be, “Hey, see you later cat. There’ll be another cat in five minutes that wants to sit in my lap, and I don’t really care. I want a cat that wants to be here more than it wants to be away from me.“
And so, you have to have the strength to just say, hey, if she’s not going to reciprocate the interest, then it is what it is. Because the other downside to that is that, everybody has this experience, it’s really tough to find friends that you really like, you want to hang out with, that are good for you, good to you, good for your soul.
The same thing with women — women that you really like, who turn you on, who make your dick hard, who make you excited to hear from her. When you see her name in your phone, it makes you light up on the inside. When you get together, the conversation seems easy and effortless, and she seems to really like you and reciprocate that. It’s extremely rare for that to happen.
And so, when it happens and then it starts to wane, and then you think about, “Man, how long is it going to be until I meet another woman that I make feel that way about me and who makes me feel that way about her?” If you think about that time, it could be months, it could be years, you just don’t know. And so that thought of, “Oh, not again. Oh, now I’ve got to wait and wade through all these average people again to find a bright spot in the world,” if you will. That’s tough.
That’s why most people settle, because they can’t take waiting and holding out. Just like when it comes to achieving your dreams in life, getting the promotion you want, the job you want, building your business to a certain degree. There’s so much time that goes by and there’s so much rejection and failure that you have to go through, and you just have to keep grinding through it. And oftentimes, it just seems like, I’m going through the motions, but I’m not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.
And it’s never an instant thing. It’s always gradual, slow success, and it takes years and years. It’s like I talked about in my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” you really have to look at major goals and objectives in the timeline of a minimum of a decade, because that’s how long it takes for most things to really start to manifest and move in your direction.
And most people, they don’t have the balls to wait it out. They don’t have the guts to keep going in year two, year three, year four, year five, year ten, year fifteen. They want to get to a place, because remember, people will do more to avoid pain than they’ll do to gain pleasure, and most people just simply don’t want to do that. They don’t want to hold out for that long. And they’re looking for some peace, some certainty, to feel good, to feel that inner peace inside.
But at the end of the day, they’re settling. And then what happens is two, three years go by or whatever, and then they meet somebody that they really click with, but they can’t do anything about it, because they’re in a relationship with somebody else. Or a business opportunity comes along, and because of how they structured and built their life at that point, they have so many commitments, they can’t take advantage of that opportunity, because they gave up on their dreams and the things that they wanted. And when you lose hope, that’s when you’ve got one foot in the grave. It typically happens for most people right around 55.
Fast forward to yesterday and she hits me with a “there’s something in the back of my mind telling me that this isn’t right.”
It’s not in her mind. It’s what she’s feeling emotionally in her heart.
She came over, and we “talked.”
You know, probably because she said, “Hey, we need to talk.” Obviously, that’s something else, you know. Anybody, a man or woman hears, “Hey, we need to talk,” it’s like, “Oh, shit, you’re going to break up with me. Oh, no. What do I do? I’ve got to stop this.”
She kept repeating herself that she was having doubts, which I know means she was doubting my masculine core.
Well obviously, you had displayed too many unattractive behaviors that caused her to feel ambivalent, unsure, confused, whatever you want to call it. In other words, her interest was going down instead of up. And the reality is, she knows if you’re the right guy, her emotions should be going up or mostly on an upward trajectory. But most women have no idea, they don’t understand why they feel the way they feel, and I extensively go through this in “How To Be A 3% Man.”
I told her, “If you can’t put your finger on this, there’s nothing I can say or do. I know who I am, and I know what a catch I am, so I’m not going to sit and wait for you to figure this out. I’m just going to keep doing what makes me happy, which is working out, working hard in the Army and coaching a local kids Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class.”
She was super emotional and on the verge of tears the entire time she was over. She kept trying to caress my hand the entire time and hug and kiss on me. When I mentioned she still can’t keep her hands off of me, she rolled her eyes, and I smirked. She kept repeating the same thing that “something didn’t feel right.”
“Well, you know what? When I’m deep inside you, I bet that’ll feel right.”
And that she was having doubts that I was “the one.”
Remember, hang out, have fun, hook up. She’s over at your place, so I assume this particular time you did wait, and she came over to end things. Or who knows, maybe the reason she came over again the second time is you broke no contact. No contact is not a technique, and too many guys think, “I’ll just use this as a technique for a few days, I’ll abstain from contacting her for a few days, and that will solve everything.”
It’s a negotiation. You’re looking at the deal at the table, and you flip through it, you look through the paperwork and you’re like, “This sucks. Platonic friendship, not feeling it, not being excited about seeing me, that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for somebody who’s really into me, that’s really going to make an effort to make me feel wanted and desired. When you act like I’m just an afterthought, or you want to accessorize your life with me, or you want me to be one of your male orbiters, you can fuck off.” She belongs in the streets, fuckers! (I couldn’t help that.)
The conversation wasn’t going anywhere, and she told me not to wait for her, to which I responded, “I’m not the kind to wait around.”
Women help you when they like you, so there obviously is some interest. What’s going on is she’s frustrated that she doesn’t feel something or doesn’t feel enough, or strong enough, feelings for you. And so therefore, that’s when you give her the gift of missing you permanently. And she’s even telling you, basically, “don’t wait on me.” Because that’s what she really needs to know.
She needs to feel that if she doesn’t do anything to keep you from leaving forever, she’s not going to really feel what her life is going to be like without you in it. And so, if her interest is dropping, and yet you continue breaking no contact and reaching out and trying to force things, her interest gets to the point where she gets one hundred percent certain she’s not into it. And so, therefore, she’s telling you exactly what to do — don’t wait for me. In other words, go ahead, move on with your life, because deep down, she knows that’s what she needs.
She needs to know that she’s pushed you too far, and you’ll walk and never look back. It’s the only way that she’ll respect you, because if women don’t respect you — in other words, if they mistreat you to the point and they take you for granted the point where you’re just disgusted with her and disgusted with her behavior — not that you’re upset or you’re overly emotional or pissed off about it, you’re just like, “I deserve better than this fucking bitch. She belongs to the streets, fucker.” You’ve got to have that attitude.
Not that you’re going to say, “Bitch, you belong to the streets, get the fuck out!” That’s not what you’re thinking or how are you going to show up. You’re just like, you’re trying to sell me a shit sandwich and you’re putting some Tabasco sauce on it, or some special sauce on it, and I’m supposed to be like “Mmm, that tastes great.” I don’t think so.
You just love yourself and you value yourself enough to say, “This is not a match. This is not what I’m after. I want a woman who is really excited to see me and be with me, you’re not displaying any of those behaviors, and you’re wasting my time.” You’re not going to say that, but that’s the reality. I’m not going to waste my time with tire kickers and time wasters. I’d rather you just go on down the road and fuck around with some other guy.
Her comment made me think that she’s probably seeing someone else, but I had no way of confirming it.
She’s maybe, probably talking to another guy. Maybe she’s got three or four guys that are all kind of doing the same thing that you’re doing, and she can’t make up her mind. Who’s the most masculine? Who’s the most dominant? And that’s what she does, she pushes you away. Because a masculine guy is like, “I’m out of here.” He’d be like, “Hit the bricks, babe. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out,” or “You’ll be back.” And you just have that attitude that it’s like, if you ever hear from her again, “Hey, thanks. You did me a favor, because then I’m not wasting my time with somebody who’s not going to reciprocate.”
You’ve got to be strong enough to do that. Women have to know, no matter who you’re dating, there’s always going to come a point when you’re dating where, just like children, she’s going to violate those boundaries to see if you’ll stand up to her. Women have to know that if they push you too far, if they misbehave too much, they take you for granted, that you will walk and never look back. Meaning never, they’ll never hear from you again, ever and ever.
One of my girlfriends that I wrote about in my book, I mean, we were having this conversation after a few weeks where I had literally walked away. And maybe a couple of months later we were in bed, and I remember we were having a conversation, and she was just like, “So, if I hadn’t have called you or come over, we would have never spoken again?” I was like, “No.” And she’s like, “That’s so harsh.”
I was like “You weren’t treating me the way I want to be treated. I was done with your bullshit. I adore you, but I deserve better than this. Guys like me don’t fucking grow on trees. You know, there’s lots of average dudes. There’s lots of guys that are better looking than me, that aren’t as successful, and aren’t as cool as me. And if you want to date average dudes, go date average dudes. I’m exceptional, and I want an exceptional woman who treats me exceptional. And you weren’t doing that, so I was like, why do I want to waste my time with you?”
And then a little while later, we were hooking up. That’s what you want. You have to be this way. This is what shows that you love and value yourself and you’re a true equal and a true teammate. And you’re not going to put up with B.S. or half assed effort. No way. Take it on down the road. Go mess with some other guys, go mess with some other beta male dude that doesn’t have a clue.
I walked her to her car, where she kept hugging and kissing me, and I kept grabbing her butt. I told her to take the time and text me if she misses me and wants to get together. I made it clear I wasn’t interested in the friend zone, because that’s a beta male move and she needs to figure herself out.
Did I play it right? The mixed signals really confused me, but it also told me that there was a significantly high level of attraction, despite her doubts. I’m not contacting her though, and I’m going to keep focusing on my mission. I’m sorry for the long email.
Best of Wishes,
So, you did everything right, other than treating no contact like it’s a tool to use. Because the only reason you broke it is you couldn’t take the thought of never speaking to her again. You’ve got to have some self-respect and look at the fact that she belongs to the streets! No, I mean, seriously.
Right now, at the present moment in time, she ain’t making the kind of effort that she needs to make in order to be in your life, to have the gift of your time. And so, therefore, you’ve told her where you’re at. Like you said, go figure it out and then get back to me. So if she gets back to you, probably she’ll text you something like, “Hey, how you doing?” or “Hey, Bob, how are you?” Some cheesy ass one liner like that is typically the response that you’ll see after you’ve walked away.
I’d be like, “Hey babe, what are you up to? Are you thinking about me? You miss me? You want to come over and do impure things to me that you don’t want to tell your parents about?” Make a date. Hang out, have fun and hook up. So, if she reaches out, assume she wants you and invite her over. You should be following what “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” says and also reading “How To Be A 3% Man” 10 to 15 times.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s also true that you have to go for what you want in life and take relentless action to make it happen. However, when it comes to intimate, personal and professional negotiations, the person who has the most to lose is in the weaker position of leverage. By knowing what you want and loving and valuing yourself, you can set and enforce healthy boundaries to make sure everyone in your life belongs there because they have proven through their actions that they deserve the gift of your time. This ensures that you never settle for less than what you are capable of having and creating in your life, because those that are not a match simply get bounced out of your life permanently.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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