She Thought We Were Exclusive. I Was Still On Dating Apps & Got Caught

Some things to consider if she thought you were exclusive but you were still on dating apps.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for six years but only read 3% Man twice. He was dating a woman for almost five months and she thought they were exclusive. However, he was still on the hinge dating app and she found out and put him on blast on the Tea app. On top of that, her father just died.

He wonders what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s been following my work for about six years. However, he’s still only read 3% Man about two times. On top of that, he happens to be in law enforcement. Quite frankly, he acted out of integrity. He displayed low character traits. You know what’s interesting, having done this for 20 years, you look at the stats, what you see is like the top five careers where people cheat. Law enforcement, military, nurses, female bartenders, you know, that kind of thing. For whatever reason, I just see this a lot.

So this guy is in law enforcement. He said that he was on the Hinge dating app and they were exclusive, or at least she thought they were exclusive. Yet he still was keeping his options open. So at some point she found out, and then I guess she went on the Tea app and put him on blast. Several other women joined in on the roasting. However, those women that joined in, he was like, “I never even met those girls.” So I assume because he doesn’t really elaborate, he gets really kind of vague, probably because it’s not going to make him look good if he was to put in here what really happened. She goes on the app, says, “Oh, this this guy I thought I was dating. We were exclusive. Yet he was still on the app.” Then you get girls chime in, “Oh yeah, I saw him. I talked to him.” So they all piled on.

So this is kind of like what I’ve talked about. Guys that are in college and they’re in a fraternity. Then they’re hanging out, doing a party with their sister sorority. They end up sleeping with a girl, and then they go back and they talk shit about her. Then it gets back. Then now everybody in the sorority knows that he’s a dickhead and he can’t keep his mouth shut and he was badmouthing the girl. Whereas, if he’d have walked away and she’d be like, “Oh, he’s really great. His dick is really big. It was so good in bed,” and she’s telling her sorority sisters that, well then her sorority sisters are going to want to be hooking up with that guy also, but they go and they take a turd in the punch bowl, basically, and they totally cock-blocked themselves and they cause a bad reputation.

So if you’re doing things like this, you should never lie to a woman and let her think you’re exclusive while you’re still trying to date and screw around on the side. It’s disappointing. This guy’s in law enforcement and behaving this way, but it is what it is. So anyways, on top of this, her father just died. So now it doesn’t seem like he really even knows whether it’s over or not. He kind of alludes to it, but he’s real kind of vague in here, and when he’s being vague, it just tells me there’s details he’s leaving out on purpose because it just doesn’t make him look good, but it’s a good email to learn from because this is not what you want to do.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve read the book twice and been following your work. Also followed your work since COVID.

Well, I say read the book 10 to 15 times for a reason. You’ve read it twice in six years, that tells me you’re not really a serious student. You’re just cherry-picking and looking for quick fixes. It might not be a big deal when you’re just dating and hooking up with random women, but if you want to get serious and have a long-term relationship, you’re going to get some attainable success, which you’re getting, but you’re not going to be able to sustain it. Obviously, you didn’t sustain this because you were still talking to other girls.

I have had a great time with women and have been lucky to experience a lot of women here in Los Angeles. I’m a 31-year-old man, father, work in law enforcement, majored in sociology, I’m very socially, emotionally aware, and streets smart, which has helped me with women as well.

I’m reaching out for your perspective on a dating situation that escalated and ended abruptly.

Well, love cannot exist where there is no trust.

I was exclusively dating a woman for several months (End of August until possibly two days ago). We did talk about exclusivity and operated under that understanding, though we never formally defined a relationship.

Well, if you make a commitment to somebody, you should honor it and keep it. I mean, your job is to hold people accountable and enforce the law when they’re not complying with it, but you made a commitment to her, and your commitment and your word doesn’t mean jack shit.

During that time, I made the decision of occasionally getting back on Hinge despite those conversations…

Come on, man!

…Even as my emotional investment in her was growing. I was present and supportive well before her father passed away, and during that period she trusted me with her home and cats while she traveled to be with family. Her father passed away on Saturday 01/03/26, and she posted on the Tea app that following Monday. I guess in a way to cleanse her life of people that do not need to be in it?

Well, if you’re dating a girl and she thinks you’re her boyfriend, meanwhile you’re still on Hinge talking to and going out on dates with other women and doing who knows what, I mean, what do you expect? You’re lying to her. In essence, you’re cheating. So why would you bullshit her and say, “Oh yeah, we’re exclusive,” let her think that while you continue to date other women? It’s like, come on, dude.

The situation unraveled after she posted about me on the Tea app and later discovered that earlier in the dating phase, I had still been on Hinge. Yes, women were commenting about me.

Dude, you just totally cock-blocked yourself. It’s like, why?

Some women were women I didn’t even meet in person.

Well, the damage was done. Was a pylon.

Despite the trust she had shown me and the intimacy of our communication, this discovery caused her to feel betrayed.

Well, duh!

I was not going to lie.

Well, you kind of did lie. You committed to her when you didn’t have any intention of honoring that. So your word is meaningless.

I told her I did talk to other women, I didn’t hook up with them, and had to figure out what I felt and once I realized she is the woman I wanna settle down with, I chose that route.

As I was cat-sitting/ home-sitting, I took care of my duties. I left groceries, flowers for her, and took her scrubs to be dry cleaned.

So I assume she’s a nurse. Well, she’s also in a field where a lot of lying and cheating happens. So who knows? Maybe she’s a liar and a cheater as well, and you just didn’t date her long enough to have her cheat on you back.

Essentially, I had planned to do that before all this to create a safe space for her to grieve. So I kept my word.

Yesterday before she got back home from the trip/her father’s death, I left my cologne in the dresser where I kept my stuff, along with clothes that I had from before.

So you had an assigned dresser drawer in her place that had your stuff in it.

She texted when she got home, “Thank you. My mom is coming home with me, so I can’t have any drama.” I replied with, “I’ve always respected your time and especially with your family in town. Nothing changes.”

Around midnight she texted me, “You forgot your cologne. I can leave it outside for you to pick it up.”

That’s pretty cold… So I assume that he got dumped and he’s kind of leaving that part out or I don’t know, he doesn’t really say here…

I replied, “I got that cologne to wear for you, so it doesn’t really interest me to pick it up.” She replied, “OK.”

I had that cologne with other belongings and she didn’t tell me to pick my stuff up. Only my cologne (We’ve had convos on how I like of wear cologne to the gym and when I’m at work in my sheriff uniform).

Well, an Italian shower is always better than being stinky. You got to emanate the proper air.

A couple weeks ago, she told me she can see I’m more in tune with my emotions. Our sex was great, I could tell she was possibly in love with me. I would have made it official as I’m ready for that, but she was going through a lot emotionally.

Well, at the end of the day, dude, you said you guys had a commitment and she was proceeding under the assumption you were exclusive. So you said one thing and you did another. Love cannot exist where there is no trust.

I’m trying to understand where I failed in leadership?

Really? You didn’t keep your word. You cheated on her. Like, how was that hard and difficult to to get?

Whether I allowed ambiguity to exist too long, didn’t fully align my actions with exclusivity once it was discussed, or underestimated how deeply exclusivity is felt emotionally even without a formal label.

Well again, you said in your email that you guys were exclusive, or at least she thought you were exclusive. Again, you said that was the assumption that you guys proceeded, even though you weren’t officially boyfriend/girlfriend. The other thing that is obvious is he was seeing this girl for four months. Remember, he’s been following me for six years, but he’s only read the book twice, so that tells me there’s still a lot of things he’s got to learn. He’s making mistakes. If he was really, truly following what was in the book, she would have been head over heels in love with him by the second month of dating. They were four months down the road and they were exclusive, but it doesn’t appear she was head over heels in love with him. So I say, you got to read the book 10 to 15 times because there’s things that you’re missing.

So what I see most guys do is they’ll read it a couple of times and they’ll learn some pickup and some casual dating, hookup stuff and seduction techniques, but they don’t pay any attention to transitioning through regular casual dating into a relationship and maintaining a relationship. So when it gets to that level, that’s usually where things get really squirrely and go sideways just because they didn’t take the time to learn that information. Then when things are going sideways, then they go in panic mode trying to cram it all in a short period of time when they’re emotionally hijacked, which makes it really hard to do more things right than wrong.

I want to take accountability where it’s mine, learn from this, and avoid repeating this dynamic in the future.

Well, don’t tell a woman that you agree to be exclusive and then continue dating other women. I mean, that should be common sense. I’m just surprised that you don’t see what the issue is.

I obviously am open to a future with her, but I’m not pushing it, letting her grieve and come back to me.

Bob

So at this point, when she reaches out, “Hey babe, I want to see you. What’s your schedule like?” Then invite her over to make dinner at your place. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. Keep it pretty simple. You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and I highly recommend you watch that video and article that’s on my website, because there are objections in there that she might try to balk at that. She might try to get you to meet her for coffee, lunch or meet on neutral ground or whatever. At the end of the day, if she’s dumped you, which it kind of looks like she has, then invite her over, hang out, have fun, and hook up. If she wants to talk, I wouldn’t talk about the what you did in the past. I would just focus on living in the moment and hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, and letting her talk about whatever she wants to talk about. If she wants to rehash those things, I mean, you’ve already apologized to her, but keep it fun, keep it light, because again, as the book says, your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen.

So again, it looks like he did apologize, but it looks like the damage was done, and that’s why she was like- It’s weird though. She would say, “Hey, pick up your cologne,” but not the other things. Maybe she was just saying she was planning on putting a box out there with your cologne and everything else in it. That’s possible too, but at the end of the day, I’d stay in no-contact. I wouldn’t reach out to her. Let her reach out to you. Then say, a month or two goes by and there’s clothes and stuff that you want, just say, “Hey, it’d be great if you could send me my stuff back.” Or she’ll probably say, “I’ll leave it outside for you.” Then you can pick it up when you know she’s not there, but follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and dude, you got to keep your word. You can’t be telling a woman that you’re exclusive with her while you’re still dating other women. It’s like, that’s just common sense. Your word is your bond as a man. It used to mean something back in the day.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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