She Told Me Not To Worry About The Guy From Work. He’s Just A Friend?

What it means when your girl says to not worry about the guy from work because he’s just a friend.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who had been with his fiancee for 3 1/2 years. He thought things were great. Then, one night he saw messages from a male coworker popping up in her phone. He asked her about them and she said that I had nothing to worry about because he was just a friend. A few weeks later he realizes that she is flirting with the guy from work and confronts her.

She says he’s controlling. Now she wants two weeks to think about things and in essence wants a hall pass to explore a relationship with the coworker who she claimed was just a friend. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular guy was with his now ex fiance or ex fiance to be for about three and a half years. He thought things were great like most guys. They think everything is wonderful until they find out that it is not so.

One night he sees her friend, her phone going off, and there’s like messages popping up and he’s like, “Huh?” He looks at them and it’s some male co-worker. He’s like, “Well, that’s interesting. Why is this male?” “Oh, he’s just a friend, honey. You don’t have to worry about him at all. Don’t be silly. Just a friend. No big deal.” A couple of weeks go by and then comes out that there’s some flirting going on with her in the male coworker, and then he confronts her about it and she’s confused. She’s got to work on myself. “I gotta find myself,” she says. “I need two weeks to think.” She’s basically asked him to be her back up plan while she gets a hall pass. In essence, to go date, hook up, whatever with this other guy and see where her feelings go.

The only thing that really matters to women is how they feel about you. So this guy was lazy, he was complacent, thought everything was wonderful, had no idea that his girl was losing attraction. On top of that, it looks like he was engaged to a woman that has no integrity at all. So it’s clear that she was monkey branching and lining up a replacement from work. I mean, they’ve been together three and a half years, they’re engaged to get married, and she’s trying to start another relationship with a new guy, and now he’s found out about it. Obviously his family’s got opinions about it.

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Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I hope you are doing fantastic.

I have a very shocking case of an unfaithful women that actually shattered me to the core. I made a very specific decision in the end and would like to know if you would confront her in my case or not.

Situation as follows:

I have been together with my ex fiancée for 3.5 years and we have been happy. At least I thought we were.

Just keep in mind, what is the number one most important thing to men in a relationship? Loyalty. Trust is the hardest thing to get and it’s the easiest thing to lose. If you’re thinking about spending your life and you’re crazy enough to involve the government in your relationship, it would be smart, especially if you live in one of those states where they typically tend to be blue, where the divorce laws are completely slanted in the woman’s favor and against the men, you really got to pay attention to what you’re doing, because the financial consequences of marrying somebody in a state where the laws are really rigged against you, if you will, it’s too much downside risk.

In this particular case, part of the reason why you date and vet somebody is you’re trying to determine, is she going to be loyal and faithful to me or when she’s unhappy is she’s just going to start talking to some other guy from work or wherever and start a relationship with him? Women who have integrity, they come from a good family, if their relationship is not working, if she’s told the guy countless times that she’s not happy, she’s going to end the relationship, get her life back in order, then when she feels ready, she’ll start dating again.

When women who belong to the streets, women who have low character, they will line up somebody and give the impression to, in this case, the fiance or the boyfriend or the husband, that everything’s great in their relationship while they’re hooking up, or starting to hook up with some guy outside of their marriage or their relationship. Then the guy finds out and he’s devastated. Once a cheater, always a cheater. So what you’re going to see here is this particular woman, she doesn’t share the same value system around loyalty that this particular guy does. Therefore, based on her behavior, this is not wife material.

This is not a woman you want a wife up after what she’s done. If you take her back, if you give her another chance and then you get lazy and you get complacent again, which is going to happen at some point, whether it’s a year or two. I mean, they’ve been together three and a half years and it’s just shockingly happened.

What if you’re great for three years? What if you read the book 15 to 20 times and you’re an awesome boyfriend or husband for the next three and a half years? Then you slack off for six months because you go through a difficult time, or maybe you get a promotion and it requires extra time at work, or you got kids or whatever, then you stop dating and courting her, and you don’t make her feel heard and understood. She’s going to do the same shit all over again. Since you took her back, you taught her that it’s OK and she can get away with it if her needs aren’t being met. “Well, screw you. All’s fair in love and war.” That’s the attitude. “You snooze, you lose.” Some women just have that attitude.

If they were raised in an environment, a broken home, dad’s not the center of the house, he doesn’t rule the roost, if he’s a soy boy, beta male, that the women in the family just dominate his ass and don’t respect him, she ain’t gonna respect you. So you got to pay attention to how is the family.

One morning I woke up early to go to the gym and noticed her work phone. There have been some messages so I have been curious and found out that she was texting regular with a guy that she new from a work trip a couple of month ago.

Well, maybe something happened on the work trip that you didn’t know about.

They work in the same company do have some minor projects but the talk was personal stuff (dark secrets etc., stuff that you would tell somebody to get to know each other).

If you don’t date and court your fiance, eventually some other guy will. The reason she’s conversing with this guy is, for whatever reason, she’s no longer, or maybe never has been able to converse with you in the way that a woman needs to feel heard and understood. Or maybe you used to do that and you got lazy. You got caught up, you got busy, you just didn’t take the time. So you don’t really know what’s going on in your fiance’s life.

You don’t take the time to talk to her, she’s going on business trips, you’re focused on your own life, you’re just assuming that she’s loyal and faithful. Meanwhile, her needs aren’t being met. Then she’s hanging out on this work trip, and they start talking, and this dude’s willing to open her up. He’s willing to listen. He’s doing all the things that you used to do that makes a woman feel attraction and feel a rapport. It makes her feel like he cares. If you stop doing these things well, she feels like you no longer care. If you’re in a relationship with a woman that has no integrity, then the marriage vows, the,”Yes, I’ll marry you till death do us part,” none of that shit fucking matters. Living together, none of that matters.

If you’re with a low character woman, she’ll have no regrets about doing this behind your back. Family oriented girls, firls that respect their fathers, they don’t behave this way. They just end their relationship. Take some time to be single and then get back in the dating world. It’s a good thing that this happened because now you know what you’re dealing with. Now you know that you’re dealing with a disloyal woman. I mean, she committed to you. She said she’s going to be your wife. If she says she’s going to be your wife, meanwhile, she’s trying to start another relationship with a male co-worker, she’s disqualified. She’s not loyal. That’s the number one most important thing to us guys, is loyalty, and you’re not going to fix that. The book, 3% Man, is not going to fix the fact that she’s not loyal. That’s just the way it is.

When I confronted her with this she said that I do not need to worry, it was just a friend.

I had more suspicion so went check again some time later to find out they had made plans to meet one evening.

Yeah, she’s probably already having sex with this guy. Maybe she had sex with him on the business trip.

When I confronted her again she was reacting in a bad way. She stated that I was controlling.

“Babe, it’s not controlling that ring on your finger. It’s an acceptance of a marriage proposal. That means for the rest of our lives, you said, ‘I’m only going to be with you. I’m only going to be loyal to you.’ That’s what you said when you accepted that ring on your finger. That’s what you said. Now you’re hanging out with some other guy agreeing to meet him. That’s not what a loyal woman does. That’s not what a woman who wants to be my wife does. That’s what a whore does. That’s what a girl that wants to cheat on her husband, cheat on her boyfriend does. That’s what a disloyal woman does. That’s a woman who doesn’t share the same value system with me. That’s what she does.” That’s a fact of life.

“No amount of excuse doesn’t matter. Maybe I was a bad boyfriend, bad fiance. I take ownership for that, but it doesn’t give you the right to go out and line up some other guy and then look me right in the eye and go, ‘Oh, he’s just a friend.’ He’s not just a friend. The only reason you say he’s just a friend, he’s just a friend until his dick is up inside you. It’s clear that he’s trying to get his dick inside you. It’s obvious from your actions and your texts that you’re willing to give him the chance. So that doesn’t sound like a woman who wants to be my wife. That sounds like a woman who’s just happy to go and get her strawberry fields plowed by somebody else. Have some other dude mow her front lawn. That’s not what you agreed to. That’s not what I agreed to. That’s not what we signed up for.”

(We had some minor issues with that in the past but last occasion she mentioned this topic was a year ago).

Again, it’s respect. “You’re not going to go make plans with the hot single secretary from the office to go have drinks, or to go on weekend trips together, or to meet up for dinner one-on-one. You wouldn’t like it if you’re expecting me to be the man for the rest of your life, and the father of your children. You’re not going to like me hanging out with the hot younger girl from the office who wants to fuck me. You wouldn’t be cool with it because you’re hanging out with the guy from the office who definitely wants to fuck you, and you’re giving him the opportunity and the green light to try. So it has nothing to do with being controlling. It has to do with respect. If you want to be allowed to do this, that tells me you’re not interested in marriage, you’re not interested in our relationship, you’re not interested in commitment. On top of that, you’re just incapable of loyalty.You belong on the streets. You’re a whore. You’re a cheater. You’re a liar. Three and a half years together, and you’re running around with some dude from work and telling me, ‘You’re just being controlling.’ No, you’re supposed to be loyal. You promised to be loyal, but it’s obvious and it’s clear that you’re not being loyal.”

She then broke up into tears stating that she can’t go on like this an that she needed time to think.

“What’s there to think about? You’re either in or you’re out. You’re either committed to us or you’re committed to being single again. It’s either him or me. I’m not going to sit around and give you a hall pass for a few weeks while you go fuck some other guy and then think you’re just going to waltz back into our life and go, ‘OK I’m ready to get married now. I sowed my oats.’ No, that’s not happening. If you’re telling me you’re confused and you need to figure things out, then you need to pack your shit and go. You’re not going to sit here. I’m going to put my personal life on hold while my fiance goes out and fucks some other guy to see what her feelings are. That’s just not going to work.”

Obviously I was completely broken by this, acting emotionally and bursting into tears. We stayed together in the flat for one week and everything seemed to be getting normal again (We kissed, cuddled and went shopping)…

No meat missile, apparently.

…But then after a week she stated that she wanted the two weeks time to think as she mentioned.

“No. If you need two weeks to think about it, then that’s all I need to know. That means you need to pack your shit and go and give me my fucking ring back, because that tells me you’re not going to accept the proposal anymore. You have gone back against your word.”

Once again I was emotional (I know, bad). But then gave her the time.

I wouldn’t have done that.

No contact for two weeks and a day. She was staying with one of her friends.

Because she wanted to go out and date and hang out with this other guy and see what her feelings did. That’s why she wanted the time. She wanted to see who she felt more for. She felt more attracted to you or felt more attracted to him, and you gave her the hall pass, which was stupid on your part.

When she came back she cried and said she couldn’t go on and wanted to move out, ending the relationship. I begged for 1-2 days, but then, as we still stay in the same flat focused on turning things around (Making her feel heard and understood. During the break I discovered your work).

Yeah, the damage is done.

That seemed to partially work but she still insisted on the break up and stated things like: “I really love you and I am afraid to lose the man of my life but need to focus on myself first,” in retrospective complete bullshit.

What she’s really saying is, “I want to go fuck somebody else.” She’s saying she does want to be married to you. “Get your fucking ring back, dude.” Say, “Give me my ring back, pack your shit and get out. Don’t ever call me again. We’re done. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”

Once a woman has shown you that she’s not loyal, that’s it. Don’t ever marry a woman that does that. If you take her back, you’re telling her that it’s OK to get away with it. On top of that, next time she’s unhappy, she’ll just go do it again, because you trained her that it was OK. Women like this, the only way they will change their behavior is to lose a guy like you forever. That’s it. Unfortunately, most guys are fucking soy boy beta male simps and they’ll keep giving women like this a chance.

People say, “Well, who’s gonna hold women accountable?” The men are supposed to, but most of you pussies don’t. That’s the reality. The guys are always bitching about, “Hold women accountable. Who’s going to hold women accountable?” Well, as a man, you’re supposed to do that. You’re supposed to set the standard, but this guy needs to set the standard and maintain it because she’s violated it. I would never marry a girl after she’s behaved this way.

We went on like this for couple days until I peaked into her phone again just to find out that she was heavily flirting with the guy I stated earlier (Using the time to think where I was suffering tremendously to do this), essentially hinting on sexual activity and meeting up where he lives (Texts have been a bit cryptic but it was at least heavy flirting but TBH I think they banged).

Yeah, they probably did, and you know why? The reason why, when you first looked at things, well it seemed kind of innocuous, more than likely because she deleted all the bad stuff.

I then turned to some friends an family stating what I found out. They all advised me on not confronting her but rather focusing on getting over her ensuring that she moves out as fast as possible.

Yeah, get her the fuck out. She’s gone dude.

She is now still in the same flat until the end of month and I think about a confrontation…

Just say, “I will pay you to leave today. Here’s $1,000 cash to help you get on your feet,” just so she can give her a deposit back, half the deposit or whatever. Just get her the fuck out.

…But not sure what to do. What do you recommend?

Just say, “Look, it’s clear we’re not getting married. It’s clear loyalty doesn’t mean anything to you. It’s clear we don’t share the same values. I want you to leave as soon as possible. I want you to leave. You’ve already got a new boyfriend. You’re probably already having sex. You’ve been cheating on me. This is irretrievably broken. We can’t fix this. There’s no coming back from this. Sweetheart, I’m sad that you did this, but this is all on you. So I want you to pack your stuff and get out as soon as possible. That would be great. Thank you. I’ll even give you a little bit of cash to help you. You know, maybe you can go live with a friend or whatever, and you can give him some money for deposit.” Just whatever the quickest way to get out.

I’ll give you an example. When I used to be in the rental business and when I used to be in the real estate business, sometimes we would buy foreclosure properties and the tenant wasn’t paying the landlord and therefore the landlord couldn’t pay their mortgage. Therefore, the landlord lost the house in foreclosure. The house would get foreclosed upon, the bank owns it, and then we want to buy it, but here’s a tenant in there that’s not paying, and why are they not paying? Because they’re usually broke. What we do, we were very nice, we would go knock on the door and we’d say, “Hey, we’re looking to buy this property, we’re going to buy this property, but, we need to clean it up because we’re going to fix it up. We’re going to put new carpet and paint it and fix the lawn, new roof,” whatever. “We’d be happy to give you guys some money to pay for you to move and to help you with deposits.”

Oftentimes what we would do is sometimes it was a thousand, $2,000, maybe $3,000, we would give these people and they thought we were like the second coming of Christ, because here we are. We’re these guys that are buying this property and they’re in essence, squatting in it. So what we would say is, we would give them a date, like when can you guys be out and just say, “We want the house cleaned. No trash, vacuum the carpets. So when you guys are ready, when the U-Haul is all all loaded up, the house is clean, just let us know and we’ll come over and we’ll give you the cash.

They would call us. I’d be hanging. Usually it was like my business partner, we would hang out and have some beers, have some pizza or whatever they would call us, and we’d go over there might be like a Friday night somewhere around 8:00 p.m., “Hey, we got everything all loaded. The house is spotless.” They cleaned everything out of the house. All their shit’s in the moving truck. We give them two, three grand, whatever it happened to be, and they’re hugging us. They love us like family, because they took the cash and they were able to use the cash to go and move to a new place and help them get back on their feet. We got the place back quickly without having to go through the eviction process and pay a bunch of attorney’s fees and court fees and drag it out for six, seven, eight months and then continue having to pay mortgages and everything else on the property. So it was a win-win for everybody.

So that kind of philosophy is like what you got, in essence, is a squatter. So just say, “I’m happy to give some cash as soon as you have all your stuff packed and ready to go. I’ll give you $1,000 cash, a hug and I wish all the best and good luck on all your future endeavors.” She’s got to give you your fucking ring back, dude. First and foremost, you got to get your ring back and then tell her you give her cash to get out of your flat.

I also see merit in being nice and if she eventually comes back letting her fall because I don’t get back with liars and cheaters.

Yeah, you just need to get her out and get her gone. Whatever it takes. You need to give her some cash again. Once she’s got everything ready to go, just say, “Hey, let me know. I’ll come over. I’ll give you $1,000, $500, $2,000,” I don’t know, whatever. It’s on you. You can negotiate that. Whatever she needs to get on her feet and get the fuck out of your life.

I plan on following 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back once she’s gone but with the clear intention to not get her back in the end.

Yeah, you should be reading 3% Man to find a good woman. This woman is disqualified forever.

She still, to this day, states that she loves and misses me and that she is unsure of her decision (Obviously because she can’t decide between two men).

I’ll tell you, when she really starts to care is when she’s moved out and she no longer has the key to your place and you’re fucking somebody else, then she’ll care. Especially when you don’t take her back, because you’ll probably be the only guy that will ever do that to her. Then 10, 15, 20 years from now, she’ll be still thinking about the dude that kicked her out and wouldn’t put up with their shit because every other guy since then probably will, but she’ll always think about you. That’s the power of walking away and ditching somebody when they do you dirty.

We are both 29 years old. It was my first relationship where I stayed together with a girl.

Would love to hear your opinion, Coach. Thanks to your work, I am now on my second read of the book and am planning to do at least 10 rounds. I am also grateful that I found out she is cheating now rather than when being married or worse when having kids (Obviously I am fucking hurt though).

All the best,

Bob

I feel for you, dude. I really do. Man, it’s like you’ve been following me for a while. There’s plenty of videos for guys that were married and were found out that some of their kids weren’t even their own because they married a chick that was just a hoe bag. So you definitely dodged a bullet, but get her out of your place as quickly as possible, even if it takes some cash. Make sure you get your ring back. Do the things we talked about and find a better woman. The best revenge is going to be dating a hotter, younger chick with a better attitude who comes from a good family, who will be loyal to you. Not a lying, cheating hoe.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.