She Was Hot For Me At First, Then Distant & Started Flaking

Why a woman will go from being hot for you to being distant & flaking on dates.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer who was dating a woman for about two months. She was going to temporarily relocate to another state and they agreed to keep things casual until then. A few weeks later she went from being really hot and into him to being distant and flaking on dates.

They were also arguing and bickering with each other. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy’s a new viewer and he was dating a woman for about two months. I guess when they first started, I think he said it was like the fourth date, she’s like, “Oh by the way, I’m gonna move to New York for a few months.” And he’s like, “Hey well, we’ll just take things casually. See what happens,” which is the right approach. It’s kind of being indifferent, take it or leave it, “I’m happy to spend time with you while you’re available and see what happens next.”

So she goes from being like, really hot, he says he was she was super into him. Then she kind of becomes distant, starts getting kind of flaky, jerking him around. On top of that, he was arguing and bickering with her. Even the short period of time they were together it was like an old married couple. We’ve all seen and we’ve probably got people in our family that are like that. The couples are always like sniping at each other, and only two months of dating and they’re like acting like an old married couple.

So one of the things I say in the book, men who understand women don’t argue with them. So obviously that’s a glaring mistake, because whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. If you guys are bickering about little things and arguing and sniping at each other, well that’s the vibe and the energy that she’s going to get when she thinks of you. It’s not the most attractive vibe.

So love is always playful and fun. If you got some differences or you’re bumping heads on things, then you got to talk it out. Get her to explain herself. Ladies first. I mean, just think about it like when you’re trying to figure out why she’s upset, why she’s distant, why she’s a little cold, she’s got to open her up, ask what’s going on now. If she’s normal, healthy woman, she’ll talk and she’ll tell you what’s going on. If she’s a bit of a screwball or a little messed up, getting the truth out of her, just getting her to talk and emote is going to be like pulling teeth. You can’t really solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them. So you need a woman that will talk to you, not somebody that’s going to stonewall you or be difficult.

So let’s go through the email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I am a new fan of yours, just read the book twice, and I would love some input on a recent situation I had.

I recently went out with a girl for two months. She was crazy about me, we were seeing each other 3-4 times per week and she set 80% of the dates.

Well, as I’ve talked about a lot in the podcast with the girls when they’ve been single, the average guy, especially the first week or two, they’re really into them and they think this guy’s great, but by the third or fourth week, the guy is doing and saying, especially when his emotions become engaged and he really starts to care, the guy’s behavior changes. They come off as needy and clingy, sometimes controlling, and they just basically come apart. They can’t handle dating them. Then within three to four weeks they get turned off. So when I see that in an email that the girls is really into him, she obviously started out with super high interest, but instead of it continuing to go up and her falling in love, at some point it started going the other way.

During our fourth date, she tells me she is going to move temporarily to New York in two months. So I tell her that’s great and that I am not interested in a long-distance relationship, so we can just enjoy our time together.

So just from that perspective, he’s basically saying, “Hey, there’s a time limit on my willingness to see you,” which makes him a challenge. Women like a guy that they have to win over. They like a guy that’s a challenge.

Everything was great. By week three, she introduced me to friends and parents. Then, she suddenly went cold. We set a date, and that morning she became hesitant, blaming “stuff to do” and “traffic.”

So that’s like stalling. Something changed. One of the things I talk about in the book is you should be meeting your friends and family after she’s in love with you. I’ve done countless emails over the years, guys go on group dates or they start meeting friends and family only a couple of dates in. Granted, if you’re going to pick a girl up and she lives with her her parents, you’re going to get introduced and you’re going to meet, but you’re probably not going to hang out all evening. I’m talking about where she starts inviting you over to do things with her friends or family as soon as you guys meet. So it’s kind of like a group date or her family or her friends are involved because it doesn’t take much, especially in the very beginning, for somebody to say something or go, “I don’t like that guy.” Or oftentimes what will happen is there will be some guy that’s part of her friend group who’s always been kind of carrying the torch for her and had a crush on her. So he doesn’t like a new guy. You moving in on his would-be girlfriend. So he’s going to start doing things to talk shit, sandbag you and ruin your chances with her.

So again, it’s much better if you start involving each other’s friends and family once she’s in love with you, because if somebody talks shit about you and she’s in love, what’s she going to do? She’s going to defend you because she’s all emotionally invested at that point. Before you’ve gotten to that point, maybe a parent, maybe somebody in her family, maybe you had a little too much to drink. I mean, that often is a is an issue. Guys go on group dates and they drink a little too much, especially when they black out and they don’t remember what happened or grabbing asses and stuff like that, and that goes over like a lead balloon.

I’ve had all kinds of emails over the years from guys that things are going well, and they started doing group dates, and after the group dates, the girl dips. So it’s possible, he said or did something on a group date that was sub-optimal and turned her off because for her to be, like he said, she’s all over him, then all of a sudden she’s, “Oh, I got stuff to do. Oh, look at the time. Oh traffic’s crazy. Oh, I’m just not going to be able to make it today,” if you bottom line her actions, her actions show she’s just got low interest in hanging out, and the question is, why?

So she suddenly went cold. Then obviously something happened that turned her off because she lost interest. If she really likes you and you’re a challenge and she’s trying to win you over, she’s not going to all of a sudden become cold. The only reason again, she becomes cold is her attraction dropped for some reason.

I called her out on her lack of excitement and suggested rescheduling. She called me “dramatic” and was wishy-washy all day about meeting.

So that tells me then you took like a maybe date. So you’re three weeks in. When you’re doing maybe dates, you’re basically communicating that your time isn’t very valuable. Especially when you’re sitting around all day and you’re supposed to meet and she’s putting you off going, “Oh, I don’t know. I gotta do this. I gotta do that. Maybe later I can come by,” that kind of shit. That’s when you go, “Well, it sounds like you’re just busy today, so I’m going to make plans to do something else. Hit me up when you’re schedule frees up and you want to get together,” and then you just you let it go at that point, but when you allow her just to keep stringing you along throughout the day like that and wasting your time, and then you call her out on it and then she says, “Oh, you’re being dramatic,” she’s kind of minimizing where you’re coming from.

Three weeks in and she says, “Oh, you’re dramatic.” Does that sound like she respects him? That’s not what she’s going to say to Chad Thundercock. If she’s dating Brad Pitt, you think she’s going to say that to Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt would be like, “There’s a hundred other women lining up behind her. It’s like you blow him off and he’s on to the next. He’s not going to wait around on you. If she feels like she’s got the power, he’s given away his leverage, and he communicated that he was way more into her than she was into him, that’s why she’s kind of disrespecting him because clearly she’s lost attraction and respect for some reason.

So that’s why she’s kind of trolling him and saying he’s dramatic, when in reality she’s wasting his time and being a jerk to him. So that’s why you don’t allow somebody to waste your time. Things are laid out in the book the way they’re laid out in the book because if a girl’s not super into you and you got a limited number of days, you’re a busy professional, you got maybe one or two evenings a week that you can get together for a date, you’re not going to let somebody like this just sit around with your thumb up your butt all day, wondering when you’re going to meet. What ends up happening is usually you don’t get together.

Days later, she was coming to my apartment before a trip. She canceled last minute, saying she was “a little drunk” and to meet at her place instead.

Again, blowing him off because she knows he’ll be jumping through his butt to go to her.

So if you got a date and she’s like, “Oh, I’m a little drunk,” then probably to check her on her behavior, under normal circumstances, “Hey, you’re supposed to come.” “Oh, I’m a little drunk. Come over here.” It’s like, “You know what? We were supposed to get together for a date. You were supposed to come over here and you went and got drunk. So how about you go sober up and hit me up when you’re sober? We can plan something then.”

What’s happening is once again, he’s allowing her to jerk him around and show that he’s basically an afterthought and he’s OK with it because he puts up with it because again, he goes to her. Again, these are little ways that the guy gives up his leverage, and she realizes that she’s kind of got him wrapped around her finger and he’s like a dancing monkey for her at this point.

When I got there, she was cold and immediately started packing.

So he gets there and she’s ignoring him. More disrespect. Why? Because her interest and her attraction is low.

I ignored it, but after 10 minutes, I asked if she had to pack right now. She said yes. She kept asking me “What’s wrong?” And after the third time, I told her I felt ignored. She called me dramatic, and we argued.

Again, more trolling.

This is part of the problem. She disrespects your time. You drive to her and you get over there instead. Remember, she’s too drunk, so that’s why you have to go to her. You go there and she’s just ignoring you, packing. It just shows again, she doesn’t give a shit.

So if I go and I was like, “Hey, let’s go do something. I didn’t come over here to watch you pack,” and if she says, “No, I got to do this. This is important,” it’s like, “Well, we had a date planned. So if you’d rather pack than hang out with me and go on a date, then I’m going to leave. So what do you want to do? You want to stay and pack, or I’m going to go?” “Oh, I really need to pack.” He’s like, “Alright well, I’ll see you later then. I’m going to take off,” because a man who respects himself is not going to stand around and let a girl jerk around, especially when he drives to her because she’s a little drunk and then she just ignores him.

This pattern repeated at least three times. She’d be distant or disrespectful, I’d pull back, and she would start a fight, blaming me.

Well, she’s picking fights because her interest is low. When a woman picks fights, especially when their interest has dropped, what they initially try to do is to make you so miserable and unhappy that you’ll dump them because they don’t really want to be with you anymore. When that doesn’t happen and they just keep disrespecting you, then they continue to lose more respect, eventually they’ll dump you, which is basically what happened. So pay attention to that. If nothing’s wrong and she’s just picking fights, she’s either trying to make things interesting, or she’s picking fights because she’s trying to make you miserable so you leave.

The week before she left, she offered Wednesday breakfast. I tried to negotiate for dinner or spending the night. She got angry, saying she was already prioritizing me over her parents. I then suggested she come over in the evening then we do breakfast. She refused, using an excuse about “skincare products.”

What?

I messed up by pushing, reminding her she had stuff at my place. She lashed out, and we argued. She said if I was “going to be sad,” she didn’t want to see me. However, we did meet for dinner the next day.

She’s just trolling this guy hard. She clearly doesn’t respect him at all at this point.

At dinner, she said she liked me but called me “needy” and “emotionally immature…”

I would say probably there is some neediness and clinginess because when she disrespects him, he’s like, “Hey, I’ll take another helping of that, please.” In other words, he’s not withdrawing his attention when she disrespects him, he’s just like, “You go pack or do whatever and hit me up when you get freed up. If I’m available, we can get together then.”

Things are already really going sideways here, and it seems to have started happening after he started hanging out with her friends and family. So there’s a good chance he did something that somebody didn’t like and they said something to her. Then she starts trolling, disrespecting him and jerking his time around and he puts up with it. That’s the problem. So he tolerated it and therefore invited more of it because he put up with it.

…Saying I should have “let it go” about the skincare. A friend of mine passed a year ago, which has affected me, and when I told her I have been a bit more emotional lately because of it, she said “It’s been one year,” and I should just let it go, suggesting I go to therapy.

So again, she just thinks he’s a bitch. The fact that you’re saying, “Oh, I’m all emotional about my friend,” she’s already disrespecting you because she doesn’t like your behavior, probably because you’re complaining instead of just dipping, going and doing something else without her. You’re allowing her to waste your time and jerk you around. You’re not standing up to her and giving her any push-back. Yeah, you called her out on it, but she gives you disrespect and then you just sit around tolerating it. Then you go over to her house and you’re just watching her pack instead of saying, “Hey, let’s go hang out and do something. I didn’t come over to watch you pack. You can do that tonight or something.” If she insists on doing that, it’s like, “Alright, well, if you’d rather pack than hang out with me, then I’m gonna go.”

At the end she said, “You can message me anytime.” I told her I wasn’t going to message her and preferred a clean break. She replied, “We didn’t even date that long. I’m just saying you can message me anytime.” I tell her, “You can message me too if it’s important, but I’m not going to chat with you.”

Well, I don’t teach you that you should ignore women.

When I got home, she texted, “Thanks for dinner!” I ignored it. She texted again the next day, complaining I hadn’t replied. I ignored that too.

So she says, “Thanks for dinner,” I would just heart it because again, she’s leaving. At the end of the day, based on her behavior, why give her more of your attention? She’s just kind of being an ass.

Four days later she calls, says she got me a gift, and is outside my apartment. I tell her I’m not home and to leave it at reception. I get home and see a teddy bear and a letter. The next day I text her “Got the gift. Have a great time in New York,” to which she reacted with a heart.

What do you think I should do?

Bob

Nothing. I wouldn’t have done anything. If she reaches out, she reaches out. Invite her to hang out next time she’s in town. If her interest and her respect goes back up, she’ll reach out. She did buy you a gift, but at the end of day, she’s gone. She went to New York, so there’s not a lot you can do. She’s there and quite frankly, based on her behavior, if it was me, I would spend time with women that aren’t going to treat me this way. Granted, it looks like he probably did things to invite it. He’s new, he hasn’t gone through the book enough times. I pointed out a few things that were obvious mistakes. Number one, he’s arguing with her, bickering with her. He’s allowing her to waste his time. He’s doing group dates before she’s in love, but again, he’s brand new, so he can clean up those mistakes for the next girl.

If she does come back in town and she reaches out, then make a date. If she texts you in a few weeks, invite her to FaceTime for a bit or have a FaceTime date to catch up, and then ask her when she’s coming back and tell her to hit you up when she’s back in town. Then when she does get back in town, if she hits you up, invite her over to your place to make dinner. Don’t go pick her up. Don’t go meet her out. She needs to come to you, because after all this disrespect and jerking you around, she needs to come back with a better attitude. If she doesn’t, if she’s kind of nasty because you noticed, the fact that she bought you a gift, she knew she was being a bitch, so that was a nice thing of her to do. So you dipped on her and showed it gave her an attitude adjustment.

In other words, the takeaway is if she treats you properly, she gets the gift of your time. That’s the greatest gift you can give anybody. If she treats you like this, well then she can get the gift of missing you. You’re going to withdraw and give your attention to somebody else who appreciates it. Besides, she’s in New York now, and she’s going to be there for a few months. So I wouldn’t reach out. I wouldn’t pursue, because all that would be doing is rewarding the bad behavior. Plus, she’s not around.

So if she likes you, she’ll reach out. If she comes back in town, invite her over. I would just employ what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. So if she does come back, invite her over to make dinner. As long as she comes over three days in a row and you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out, pick her up and go on normal dates after that, but I would let her do 100% of the reaching out going forward because again, because the way she treated you, she was an ass.

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