She Went From Hot To Cold Behavior Practically Overnight!

Some reasons why women go from hot to cold behavior overnight.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman while he was dining alone at a table in a sports bar. She was at the bar by herself drinking and he invited her to join him. They had a great conversation and he got her number. He texted the next day on Valentine’s Day and she waited 24 hours to reply. He asked her out and when she didn’t reply in 24 hours he called.

Then she texted an hour later passing on his offer and saying take care. He’s confused. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer. He says he’s been a long time watcher, first time emailer. He was hanging out at a sports bar that had a table by himself. He’s eating dinner. He sees this woman at the bar having a drink by herself, so he confidently strode over to her and invited her to sit down and hang out with him, which they did for, I guess, several hours. They exchanged phone numbers. They gave each other a hug and a kiss on the cheek at the end, and he said he’d be in touch. So this was like, I guess, a Friday night. The next day was Valentine’s Day. So even though he’s never been on a date, never kissed her, never had hooked up or anything, hasn’t even taken her out on a date, even though it was kind of like an instant date, he texts her for Valentine’s Day, which any kind of mystery evaporates when you do that.

At the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You’ll see, it’s like he texted her because he felt guilty that he should do something. So he texts her. She waits a full 24 hours to reply, she replies, and then he invites her to meet him for a drink on a Wednesday a few days later, and once again she doesn’t reply. Then it’s getting to be like Monday night and he’s like, “Oh, she’s flaking.” So he calls her and he leaves a message. Kind of a long, drawn out message. It’s kind of begging for her attention. It’s not a very confident message. She texts back within the hour, basically saying she can’t make it and like, “Take care, have a nice life,” basically. He’s going, “What the hell?”

So it looks like this woman, because he did mention there were a couple dead spots in the conversation where they were sitting there, he wasn’t saying anything, she wasn’t saying anything, so it doesn’t look like she had super high interest. This is one of those kind of situations where her interest is low to mediocre at best. The better thing to do is to follow what’s in the book and stick to the principles. If you don’t do that, I mean, he definitely came off as a little needy because he double-texted her. He was impatient, didn’t wait for her to get back. So he calls her and he doesn’t think he came off as like being needy or desperate. If the girl had super high interest, it wouldn’t have been a big deal at all. He could have gotten away with it and they would have gone out on a date, but when you got a woman who’s got a load of mediocre interest and you do that, that’s usually all that it takes to blow your chances, and you got to pay attention to somebody when you text them and they wait a full 24 hours or longer to reply, it shows they’re not really that interesting. You got to pay attention. It looks like he was really only focused on how much he liked her, and was just kind of completely oblivious because he thinks she had super high interest just because she sat down with him, but it was better than sitting at the the bar drinking alone. On top of that, he paid for all of her drinks.

It’s just a good email of just to tighten the game up a little bit, because if he’d actually followed what was in the book, he may have ended up on a date with her, but it’s pretty clear that her interest wasn’t super high and he way overrated her interest, but it is a good email to go through just because we can kind of fine tune his approach.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach,

Longtime 3% Man reader and YouTube video watcher. First time emailer. I had an interesting experience with a woman who seemed to pull a Jekyll/Hyde on me. Wondering if you can share some feedback.

I was dining alone at a busy sports bar on a Friday night and saw an attractive woman sitting alone at the bar. I got bold, went up to her and asked if she’d like to join me at my table. She smiled and agreed immediately.

There was instant chemistry. She works as a professor of nutrition at a local university where I had taught as well (Before her time). She talked a lot (About 70%-80%), laughed and smiled a ton, we have some things in common that fed the conversation. There were just a few moments of silence, which I let sit for some space until the conversation resumed.

Well, that tells me that they’re kind of running out of things to talk about, and they don’t have a ton in common. When you really click with somebody, if you run out of things to say, she’s going to pick the conversation up. She’s just not going to sit there staring at you. So that right there would be pretty obvious that her interest isn’t super high and the conversation’s not going as well as he thought it was. Again, this is what happens when you only focus on your interests and how much you like her, and you have the attitude of, “What can I do to get her to like me?” It’s just you can tell he’s kind of in the approval-seeking mindset and the vibe.

Again, with a woman with real high interest, it’s not going to matter, but with a woman with low to mediocre interest like she had, there’s just a small margin for error. If he’s in that kind of a mindset that led to him double-texting her and calling her when she didn’t reply quick enough, then more than likely when he was sitting there hanging out with her, maybe over-communicated his interest, maybe he was a little dopey, maybe he was a little too enthusiastic, because again, if that’s his mentality, that leads him to double-text, even though it’s against what the book says, despite the fact he’s been following for a while. Then there probably were other things that happened during their conversation that he’s going to need to clean up in the future. Again, with a woman with super high interest, it doesn’t matter, but a girl with low to mediocre interest, you can’t mess up too much before she’s just like “Ehh,” and you’ll see in her final response it’s like basically. “Take care. Have a nice life.”

I also picked up on some subtle flirting. For example, she asked me if I had any tattoos. I replied that since she’s a professor she might have to launch a research project to find out.

That’s actually a pretty good line.

The night felt like a really good first date. We’re both divorced. She’s 49 and I’m 57.

When we traded numbers, she asked for my last name and she immediately added me to her phone contacts (great sign). When I paid and picked up her drink tab (She didn’t eat, being a vegan), the waitress said, “Have a great Valentine’s Day weekend” to us, and the professor smiled broadly, knowing that the waitress could see that I had picked her up and we were having a nice time. When we walked outside, I told her I was glad I had gone out that night, and she said “me too…”

It’s kind of like, “Oh, Your Highness, I’m so glad I went out.” I wouldn’t have said something exactly like that because this should have been something you did regardless. You like your own company and you took yourself out for a drink. It’s just kind of overly communicating, “Wow! I was just expecting to go have dinner tonight and usually I go out and my life sucks, but wow, I met you and my life is so much better now!” Again, if a girl had super high interest, not a big deal, but it’s always better, as the book says, to underrate her interests. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So you got to be a little bit better of a poker player, especially when you’re dealing with a woman whose interest is kind of in the place where she is.

…Opened her arms for a hug and kissed me on the cheek. I returned the kiss and hugged her again and said, “Bye, take care, talk soon.”

So, the next day (Saturday) was Valentine’s Day. I felt obligated to do some kind of text acknowledging the holiday and the nice time we had had the night before.

It’s just too much approval-seeking behavior. Again, it’s Valentine’s Day. If you’re texting her on Valentine’s Day, she basically knows you got nothing else going on in your personal life, and with the comment that you made, how you were so glad that you went out the night before, just when I read it, it comes off as, “Wow! Nothing like this ever happens to me. I never meet anybody. My life is so boring, but now it’s going to be so much better because I met you.” It’s just too much. You’re laying it on a little thick. You’re too excited,

I texted, “Hi. Happy Valentine’s Day. Hope you’re enjoying the warm weather.” She replied about 24 hours later, “Hi! I didn’t venture out really yesterday but I hope to get a walk in today while the sun is out. Thanks again for the drinks on Friday. I hope your weekend’s going well.”

So the important thing to notice is that she was home all day doing nothing. She had his text. She obviously got it. She was being a bum at home, not doing anything, and she purposely just left him hanging for a full 24 hours. She did it on purpose. Why? Because she wasn’t that excited to talk to him. You got to pay attention to these things. You can’t just gloss over it. Again, when you’re only focused on how much you like a girl and your total mindset is, “How do I get her to like me?” You’re just going to miss all these little things, and your game is going to get sloppy. With a girl like this, you just can’t be sloppy and overdo it because she’s going to bounce on you.

I replied about 1.5 hours later: “Hi, the drinks were my pleasure. I’m free this coming Wednesday evening if you would like to have a drink with me.” 

It’s just too much, too soon, dude. I would have waited until probably Tuesday. Especially if I’d have been sitting there and realized that there were some dead spots in the conversation, I’m not going to text her on Valentine’s Day. I’m going to probably text her on Tuesday or Wednesday to see if that helps lift her interest up a little bit.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If Tuesday, Wednesday rolls around and she hasn’t heard from you, she’s going to start to wonder, “Did he not like me? Did I have bad breath? Did he lose my number? Did he meet somebody else?” I mean, there’s a method to the madness. These things work. So if you’re going to watch videos and you’re going to read the book, and then you’re just going to do the opposite, well you’re potentially going to blow chances. Again, the chances that this would have worked out are marginal at best, I would say.

Again, that’s why you want to be a better poker player and not reveal too much, because let’s look at her actions. What has she done? Like, next to nothing. He paid for her drinks. She waited 24 hours to reply. So you got to pay attention to those things. So she’s waiting 24 hours to reply. Then I would have just hearted the message and probably would have reached out maybe Thursday of that week, just to see if she reached out again, but he was just a little overeager to make a date. Again, a woman that’s 47 years old, especially if she’s really attractive, she’s been around the block a few times, and she knows how guys come off that are too overly enthusiastic, maybe she’s had a breakup recently, you just don’t know, and she doesn’t want to deal with a needy guy that’s going to come off and be really clingy. Less really is more.

Then a whole day and a half goes by. No reply. By this time it’s moving into Monday evening and I could feel her flaking out.

So again, he’s all up in his head. This is the illusion of action kicking in, as I talk about in the book.

Again, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you got to wait for her to hit it back, and he did not do it. He was too impatient. So that’s his problem. He’s just too impatient. He’s coming off as a little needy, a little desperate. It’s just too much, too soon for a girl that he just had a simple conversation and a couple of drinks with. As the book says, under normal circumstances you’re going to do one date per week. So ideally probably should have waited until like Thursday because that was kind of like an instant date. Again, if we look at her actions and her effort, nothing really went anywhere after that. It’s not like they had a make-out session afterwards. So I would have just let it sit for a while and let her wonder and get to the point where she starts to wonder, “Is that guy going to call me? Is he going to blow me off? Was he just buzzed? Is that why he asked for my number?”

Again, it‘s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So you should be using that to your advantage, and he clearly didn’t do that.

So I called her and left a voicemail saying, “Hey, hope your Monday went well. I had a great time with you on Friday. Would love to see you again if you’re available Wednesday at 7 p.m. at XX bar.”

Man, that’s a long ass, this whole thing was a text. So I’m going to read that again. That’s a really long text: “Hey, what’s your schedule like? I’d love to see you again this week.” Something simple. “Hey, I’d love to get together for a drink. What’s your schedule like?” But he’s trying to nail her down on a Wednesday.

“I figured Wednesday would be a good way to break up a busy week and to have a environment for good conversation since bars are less busy mid-week than on the weekend. Let me know, bye.”  

Well, she’s a professor, isn’t she? Teaching during the week? Because you saw her on the weekend. So if she’s got to get up early and teach class, she’s probably not going to want to go out and have drinks and have a hangover the next day. That’s a really long message. Quite frankly, the tone just looks like you’re apologizing. It’s like you’re apologizing for your interest. You’re apologizing for bothering her. It’s just too much.

She texts me back within the hour. “Hi. Thanks for the invite for Wednesday but I’m going to pass. I hope you have a good week and take care.” I replied, “If you change your mind down the road, let me know. Take care.”

WTF, Coach? She went from seemingly super interested to flaking out, fast! I didn’t think my texts came across rushed or needy.

Yes, they did.

I tried to use the idea of simply texting to set up the next date. Maybe there’s another guy in the background? But she came across very into me when we met, so it’s leaving me confused.

Bob

Well again, because you’re only focused on how much you like her and you’re like, shocked that this happened. If we bottom line her actions, she just didn’t seem like she was that into you, and you were way, way, way overly enthusiastic towards her.

So you gotta you know, the book says you want to match and mirror her level of interest and effort, and judging by her response that you described in your email, I would have waited until probably Thursday of that week and then my attitude would have been, “Well, maybe I’ll see her this weekend or maybe the week after.” Especially in the beginning, if her interest is low, just spreading those things out can help get the interest up. So when you finally do go out and have a second date, it may be a week-and-a-half, two weeks later and her interest will be higher because again, there just wasn’t any evidence that she was really that into you, but because you were blinded by your own interest and only focused on how much you liked her, you just were not able to be objective on the situation. The fact that you were impatient, you tried to set a date really quickly after you had just met and already had a date. It’s just too much, too soon. Then you’re double-texting her, calling her, and leaving a message. A 47-year-old woman has come across guys that have acted needy and overly interested when they first meet. So that’s why she just basically, “Take care, have a nice life.” However, at this point, I’d never call, I’d never text again. You did leave it open. Who knows? Maybe two or three weeks, a month later, she’ll reach back out, but the fact that she took 24 hours to reply, again, you got to pay attention to her actions, because if you don’t pay attention to her actions, if you follow what was in the book, you would have got a better chance of her having a completely different attitude.

Again, if the girl started out and had super high interest, she’d been excited to see you, wouldn’t have been a big deal, but as the weeks went by, if you kept behaving that way, what would have happened? You’d probably get two or three dates, maybe four dates, and then your enthusiasm’s going through the roof and her enthusiasm is going down because you’re doing too much, too soon. Then she would have pulled back on you three, four weeks later, and then you probably would have probably sent you into a tailspin. You would have been double and triple-texting, calling, and leaving these long, drawn out messages. So it’s totally unnecessary. You don’t need to apologize for your interest. You don’t need to apologize for asking her out. Again, the tone of that long text that you sent is just like making excuses for bothering her, so it doesn’t come across as very confident. It just comes across as a guy that doesn’t have any luck with the ladies.

So again, you got to be a better poker player. The good news is you roll the dice, you went for it, you had a nice conversation, even though you kind of fumbled the football on the one-yard line there.

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