She’s Confused & Asked For A Break & No Contact

What you should do if your girlfriend is confused and asked for a break and no contact.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 31-year-old viewer who went through a difficult time, got off track, and stopped dating, courting and communicating with his woman properly. She asked for a break and 2 weeks of no contact. He said they should talk about this in person.

He seduced her when they got together, and then she wanted to Skype once per week while on break. He told her no and to contact him when she missed him and wanted to see him. It’s been 3 days of no contact and he asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

He got complacent and he stopped doing the two things that most clients that I talk to in long-term relationships have been guilty of that have caused the loss of the attraction of their significant other. And in this particular case, when I do phone sessions with guys that are in long-term relationships or they’re married, they either aren’t communicating with their women properly, so they don’t feel heard and understood, or they stop dating and courting them. And there’s a chapter in my book, 3% Man, that says “The Courtship Never Ends.” It’s always ongoing. If you stop dating and courting your wife or your girlfriend, guess what? Eventually, some other dude will.

And so, he was going through a difficult time. He stopped communicating with her. She even came right out and said she didn’t feel heard and understood anymore. And on top of that, he stopped dating and courting her because he was going through a difficult time. Remember, you can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself. And as a man, if you’re not stable or you’re going through a difficult time, it’s hard to feel like you have enough to give to your significant other. But the whole purpose of all relationships is you go there to give. And so, you have to continually give, because that’s why you’re there. You want to give to them.

Obviously, you want to be with somebody that’s going to reciprocate. That’s common sense. But the reality is, if you get into a relationship and then you stop giving, the other person is not going to feel loved and appreciated, and her feelings are going to drop. And that’s what happened to our emailer here. However, he did a really good job of kind of turning things around when she said that she wanted to end the relationship and not talk for a couple of weeks. He said, “No, we should get together in person.”

So, if you’re in that position, this is a really good email for that – if you’re with somebody that’s trying to break it off or end it. He does a good job. And he writes in saying, “Hey, what now? Do you think she’s going to come back, or not?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach,

I am 31 years old. I’m a pilot and a business owner, and I want to say thank you for your amazing work.

Well, you’re welcome.

My ex-girlfriend before broke up with me. I was needy and weak. I started reading your book and audiobook several times, eating better, working out, re-opening my business, and started dating girls. Now, it’s like magic. I got kisses on the first date, having sex on the second or third date.

She is the best relationship I have had, thanks to your work. I never experienced before having a girlfriend who was so in love with me, and who gave so many gifts, and called me every day. And making love was amazing, hours and hours of indoor Olympics.

Well, that just sounds swell.

She is a hot actress and a single mom of an 8-year-old boy in another city. She told me in these 8 years, she didn’t feel so secure with anyone until she met me. She was so proud of me that she introduced me to all of her friends and family and said that I was the first boyfriend that she introduced to her son.

But I went down. I got heavy personal problems that happened just in weeks. And she was there to support me, but a few weeks later she told me that she didn’t felt listened to weeks before having these personal troubles, but that she loves me too much that she stayed to support me, even though she was feeling that.

So, this was happening before he started having his troubles. And then the troubles obviously just compounded things. Because if he wasn’t doing the right things beforehand, when he felt like he didn’t have enough, he was doing even less. And she felt that too.

Until she asked for 2 weeks of no contact, because she was feeling confused.

I did an email or a video a few few days ago called “Women Only Care How They Feel About You. Not How Much You Like Them.” And so, here, you see this again. It’s all about the feelings. Whatever you cause her to feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. And if you’re not dating and courting her properly, and then on top of that, you go through a rough patch, and then you give even less than you were giving before, it’s not going to be received well.

I took extreme ownership of this. It’s my fault. It’s my responsibility to make her feel that way. I should keep reading the book more times. She became cold and bitchy.

Women become cold and bitchy when they don’t feel loved, heard or understood. And the bitchiness is because of fear. Because behind anger is always fear. And so, if she’s bitchy, it’s because she’s fearful – fearful that she’s not going to get love. All of us have two primary fears: fear that we won’t be loved, and fear that we don’t have what it takes, we’re not enough.

She called me to tell me, “I want to end the relationship.” I replied, “No, this topic should be discussed in person.”

Nice counter. Because if she’s trying to end it or friendzone you, you’re like, “I’m not down with that. Let’s get together and talk about it.” That’s the mature thing to do. Now, if you have a woman that’s a good communicator, she’ll say, “Sure, let’s get together and talk about it.” But if you’ve got a stonewaller or a narcissist, somebody’s gaslighting you, somebody’s passive aggressive, they won’t get together. That’s part of the them controlling the situation. You can’t work things out if you’ve got somebody that is just incapable of communication.

I have one girl from my life that was like that and she was just fucking hell on wheels. You can’t resolve anything when somebody just refuses to talk about it. When they give you the silent treatment for several days, then you just have to wait around like, “Oh, well. Okay. When she’s tired of being pissed off, then she’ll get in touch.” That’s a lot of fun. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of dudes in the world that are having to deal with that, because they married somebody like that or they had kids with somebody like that. I don’t envy them at all.

I went to her city with the mentality of a charming James Bond on a mission, and in the first moment I saw her, we hugged, we kissed. We went to eat, and we told each other, “I love you.” 

Remember as “3% Man” says, a man’s job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen – hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and then hook up when you’re hanging out and having fun together. Simple as that. So, that’s what he focused on. Because if they’re having fun and he makes her feel heard and understood, what does that do to her feelings? She feels good.

We had a great time, held hands in the park. She changed the idea from breaking up to changing to a 2-month break, so she could think out things better. I told her that I would support her. I got prepared in the hotel with a bottle of wine. I invited her there, and she told me, “We are going just to drink one glass of wine, and after that I should return home.” 

In other words, she’s open to being seduced.

But we ended up making love and kissing, and then she asked me if we could make one video call per week in this 2-month break, “I’m afraid of making the wrong decision about the no contact time.”

So, she’s basically is like, “Hey, let’s not talk for two months and see how I feel.” Because the whole issue boils down to she’s not feeling what she should be feeling for her man. And so, women instinctively know, “Oh, I need a break. I need to be away from him,” because absence makes the heart grow fonder. And so, her thinking is that if they’re away from one another, then the feelings will return.

She doesn’t really understand, because most women don’t understand how his actions caused her to lose attraction. But, instinctively, she knows “we need time apart, so my feelings can grow.” And as I talk about in “3% Man,” a woman falls in love slowly, over time. Her feelings grow slowly over time, and you can’t rush it. You can’t get butt hurt, you can’t get perturbed. You can’t get upset that it’s not going as fast as you want. Ideally, you want to go slightly slower than she does.

And so, this is a negotiation, right here, which is what’s happening. They just made love and she’s pushing on him, because, remember, he displayed weakness. She doesn’t think he’s up to the task. Or I should say, she doesn’t ‘feel’ like he’s up to the task. Therefore, she’s trying to get him to agree to something platonic. or keeping him at a distance while she explores her feelings, and quite frankly, potentially, maybe goes and hangs out with another guy.

That’s the other thing you’ve got to consider; maybe there’s another dude in the picture. Maybe there’s an ex in the picture. Maybe there’s a guy she met, and then when he wasn’t reaching out to her or making her feel heard and understood, maybe somebody that she works with, a neighbor, or a family friend, whatever, made her feel heard and understood. That might have been why she asked for two months, because she can potentially explore things with somebody new and see what happens with their feelings. But at the end of day, he wasn’t interested in that.

I’m just saying, potentially, there could be another guy. And that’s why you’ve got to be kind of like Sherlock Holmes. Because, again, they’re a couple of hours away from one another, and so, he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know yet. So, for a long-term prospect, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know if she’s good or not, honorable and loyal and faithful or not. But like I said, just because I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve done tens of thousands of these phone sessions and emails over the last 18 years, you see same patterns over and over and over and over again. So, smart men would go, “Maybe there’s another guy in the picture. Maybe there was another guy that was making her feel heard and understood when I was fucking up.”

Remember, if you don’t date and court your girlfriend, eventually some other guy will. Maybe that started happening. Maybe she was complaining to another guy who always liked her, and he made her feel heard and understood when this guy was not. So, we just have to assume, keep that in the back of our minds, that that potentially, it doesn’t mean it is, but it potentially could be going on.

And remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. He wants to stay together. He wants her to make the effort. Because for her to say, “we’re going to have no contact, but we’re going to talk once a week on the phone,” and then she’s going to control everything, then what? He’s going to sit in the other end of the line with blue balls, waiting for her to say, “Oh, it’s okay to come see me”? I don’t think so.

You’re either in or you’re out. You either want to make the effort, or you don’t want to make the effort. He made the effort to drive to her city to make her feel heard and understood and to make mad, passionate love to her. And you notice, she started changing her mind because of how she felt.

I told her, “No. Don’t reach out to me until you miss me and want to see me in person.”So, she replied saying, “So, we could see each other before the two months?” And I told her, “Yes. You know where to reach me.”  I left her at her house, we kissed and hugged.

Cool. So, he’s saying, “No, I’m not interested in no contact. I’m not interested in only having a phone call with you once a week and putting my personal life on hold while you explore your feelings or potentially explore something with some other dude. If you want to be uncommitted to me, then I’m going to be uncommitted to you, and I’m a free agent, and I’m going to move on.” Because it takes two people to make a relationship work. If she’s basically saying, “Put your life on hold while I see how I feel and maybe entertain other guys in the meantime,” it’s like, no, men don’t agree to that shit.

We have had 3 days of no contact, and I’m going to wait for her to reach me while I pursue my mission in life, reading 3% Man, and becoming a 3% man.

You absolutely must do that, because you’ve got to be congruent with your words. Because she’s sensed a lot of weakness in you, and so you told her,” No, we’re not getting together unless you miss me terribly. And I’d love to see you if you do. Reach out and we’ll get together.” And if she does reach out, he has to assume she wants to see him and make a date. I would have her come to see him next time, since he drove there the last time.

But you absolutely should not reach out at all. You’ve got to be congruent with your words. That’s super important for guys in this situation. I was talking to a guy on a phone session yesterday, and he was fucking vacillating back and forth all over the place. And then he wondered why his girl was unsure of him and was and was entertaining other dudes, potentially. And they weren’t ever really together. They were just kind of dating and hooking up. He was dating and hooking up with the other women, she was dating and hooking up with other guys, or there were ex-boyfriends in the picture. But he was just he was vacillating all over the place. You’ve got to act like a man consistently if you want a woman to consistently be attracted to you.

I don’t know what will happen next, Coach, but even though I knew I was going to her city to hear that she wanted to break up with me, I just went to hang out, have fun, and hook up.

Good job, dude.

I would love to know your opinion about this. Would she come back?

Thanks, Coach! 

Bob

If I was a betting man, I would say, probably, because you stood up to her, you made her feel heard and understood when you were there, you made love. And so, now the ball is in her court, and you’ve got to be congruent with that. If you don’t hear from her for a couple of weeks, I’d be like, “Hey, I’m a free agent.” I’d just get back out there and start dating again. But if I was a betting man, I would say she’s probably going to come back.

But, like I said, you just you have to wait and see. If she disappears, then you know there probably was another dude in the picture. And then you’d have to say, “Well, good riddance. She’s his problem now.” If she’s a good woman, she’ll come back, and if she’s a ratchet, she’ll run off with some other dude and then reach out when it doesn’t work out with that other dude. But at least the ball will be in your court.

So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. And remember, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations – Volume II” is now available everywhere. The audiobook, paperback, digital version, hardcover are all out.