In this video-coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says that a woman he has been dating for the past six months is jerking him around. She is twenty-nine, divorced for three years and he is twenty-four. They are both dating other people, and she keeps telling him she does not want a relationship. He tells her there is no pressure, and they should go with the flow. She has also told him she wants him all to herself, but then she says she’s not ready for a relationship.
Lately, she has been canceling dates for what seems like BS reasons. He says it’s the best sex he’s ever had, but things are not going the way he wants, even though he says he’s read my book three times already. He asks my opinion on what’s going on and how to turn things around. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve been following you for quite a bit. I’m on my third read so far. Your stuff really works dude! Before I knew your work, I was in this relationship with a girl I knew from college for a couple of years, I knew I wasn’t into it and I completely changed myself to become the guy she wanted. I was so miserable that it led me to your work. (You bent yourself into a pretzel trying to please her, and all that did was make you miserable. I’d say you lost yourself a little bit.)After I broke things off with her, I met this amazing woman that I work with, and things had been going great. In the beginning, she was all over me, we would go on dates, she would do 70 to 80 percent of the initiating and things were great. (As I talk about in my book, the idea is the guy pursues in the beginning, and as the woman starts to take the ball and run with it, she starts to call and text more. That’s why the guy only needs to reach out once a week and set one date. Once the woman starts reaching out in between those dates, then you use those as opportunities to set the next date, instead of talking to her on the phone and becoming her therapist or her gay male girlfriend, and getting yourself stuck in friend zone. It’s a man’s job to create the love story. In other words, it’s his job to create an opportunity for sex to happen.)
She is 29 and I’m 24. The only thing I would say I’ve done wrong is that she tells me that she doesn’t want a relationship, and I would tell her that it’s no pressure and that we should just go with the flow. (The only time a woman ever brings up “I’m not ready for a relationship” is either in the very beginning to say, “don’t smother me,” or if you’ve been dating for awhile, that means you’re pursuing too much, to the point where she feels like she’s losing her freedom. And the fact that she’s mentioned this tells me you’re over-pursuing. She’s feeling smothered, and she’s trying to help you and communicate to you how she needs you to show up.)She has been divorced for the past three years and dates other guys, and I told her that I was dating other women. As we were getting closer, she would say things like, “I want you all to myself,” and I would say, “What do you mean? Does that mean you want me all to yourself?” (You just repeated what she said, but the idea is to say, “Are you saying you want to be in a relationship? Do you want to be my girlfriend? Is that what you want?” You’ve got to be very specific. Make sure she explains it to you so it’s crystal clear.) And she would say, “But I’m not ready for a relationship,” so I’d give her the ‘lets just go with the flow’ speech, and we’d continue to do the three H’s. (Hang out, have fun and hook up.) Man she is drop dead gorgeous, and she is best sex I’ve ever had! This had been going on since October of 2016!
(We’re six months down the road here. At this point, she should have been head over heels in love with you and exclusive. The only thing that gets in the way of that is when there’s not enough time, space or distance, because you’ve pursued her too much. If you’re still pursuing her 20-30% of the time, on an attraction scale, her interest or attraction is never going to go up any more than a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1-10. Women don’t fall in love until they hit 9. In other words, you didn’t back off enough, because you didn’t learn the fundamentals. You don’t know the playbook, and that’s the difference between winning and losing.)As she was starting to feel for me more and more, I caught myself initiating texts more than she was, (You were pursuing more, so it probably flipped at some point and you might have been doing 70-80% of the pursuing. You assumed the woman’s role, approval-seeking type of behavior, trying to force things. If guys don’t learn the book, they don’t learn the transition from dating into relationship), she’d stopped calling and texting often, and yup you guessed it, she started becoming flakey on making dates. In those situations, I would always wait for her to contact me, and I’d make the next date. (That’s the way it should be, but by this point, she should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. The only time you’ll reach out is if you’re with a woman who wants you to do that, and I discussed that in my recent article and video, “She’s Mad Because I Don’t Chase.” For those of you who haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it.)
We hung out one last time at her place, when she had reached out for me to come to her place, and fucked each other’s brains out. She had to get surgery done on her knee, and I texted her to see how it went, which I probably shouldn’t have, but I want her to know that I care for her well being. But after that, I DIDN’T HEAR FROM HER IN A WEEK AND A HALF! (It’s good that you reached out because she had an operation. It shows you care, but part of your problem is you’ve been way over-pursuing. It sounds like you became the occasional booty call for her. If this girl made it clear she’s dating other people, she’s definitely got some other options and choices. In other words, you got in the way of her falling in love with you, because you over-pursued.)During that time she would only like my posts on Instagram, and she commented on one of my posts, so I took that as she wanted me to reach out. The rest is self-explanatory. (Well, you don’t know the book well enough. You shouldn’t reach out unless she’s addressing you directly or sending you a message.) I reached out to see how she was doing and tried to make a date for this Wednesday to come over my place to have dinner together. She said, “Sounds good, but I’m meeting up with a friend early that day, and if anything changes I’ll let you know.” (In other words, you’re an option. It wasn’t her idea.) So I withdrew that offer, (Which is the right thing to do, but you shouldn’t have reached out in the first place), and said “It sounds like your going to be busy. I’d love to see you, but only if your definitely free hun. Let me know when you have a day when you have nothing going on, then we can make plans.” Then she says, “Works for me.” This was Friday. I used to let her get away with stuff like that, but no more! (Being treated like a doormat and being a pleaser is part of your own weaknesses that you’re working on. This is what you’re personally trying to overcome. You’re putting your needs last and her needs first, and because of that, you communicated you were not of the same social value that she was. You weren’t on the same level. You kind of treated her like a celebrity and let her get away with bullshit.)
Fast forward to Monday, she calls while I’m at work. I don’t answer, but I replied with, “Hey, sorry I missed your call. What’s up?” She said that she has been thinking about me, so I said, “That’s why you need to come see me, and stop playing around” in a joking manner. (That communicates you saying, ‘you’re jerking me around’ which is not attractive. I would have just said, “I think you need to come over and make dinner. Bring a bottle of wine. We’ll light a fire.” What you basically communicated to her is that not hearing from her is causing you to lose your shit and get upset, and she can tell by your response.)The next morning, she texted saying she can’t put any weight on her leg, so I called her out on her bullshit when she told me she was going to meet a friend on Wednesday when I tried to make plans with her. She says that her mom is going to be with her. I stood up for myself saying, “Obviously I’ve done something to turn you off. (Does that make you look confident, sexy, attractive? You’re communicating, “I’m not good enough for you.”) I thought things were good. I like spending time with you hun, but I don’t like being jerked around. When you really miss me and want to see me, let me know when your feeling better.” Then she said that she was sorry, and that she has to depend on other people, and I just responded with, “I forgive you. Talk to you later. Keep in touch.” (You redeemed yourself by the end of it.)
If I wasn’t crazy, I’d think she would be trying to jerk me around. (Well dude, you invited her to jerk you around. You didn’t know the fundamentals. You need to read my book 10-15 times.) Should I have been more considerate, knowing that she is recovering from her surgery? (You were actually pretty nice, but you displayed weakness.) What would you have done differently? I know this is a long email, but I thought this was a special case, and I wanted to get your perspective. Until then, I’m letting her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. I tried getting together with her twice. Should I give her the ‘Hey its good to hear from you. Gotta run. Keep in touch?’(In this case, if she reaches out to see what you’re up to, then you need to say, “I think you need to come over, make me dinner, bring some wine, and we can catch up. I’d love to see you,” one more time. And if she gives you any kind of flakey bullshit from that point forward, I would tell her “Gotta run. Keep in touch.” At this point, it’s obvious you talked her out of liking you. You said she was all over you in the beginning, and then at some point, the power flipped.)
Thanks for all that you do brother. You changed my life, and you inspire me to do the same. A donation is coming to you shortly! (At the end of the day, it’s a win because this chick is hot, and the sex is amazing, the best you ever had, which is a big improvement from your last relationship. You got better. Even if you never hear from this girl again, it’s still a victory. But the bottom line is, the reason why things are not where you want them to be is you don’t know the fundamentals. You’ve only read the book three times in the last year. If you want to be the best, act like the best. You’ve got to master the fundamentals.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. When a woman senses weakness in her man, she will tend to pull away and test his strength. If he stands up for himself, remains centered and passes her tests of his strength, then she will come back more attracted and affectionate than before. If he displays weakness and indecisiveness, this turns her off even more, and she will usually back away more also. If a man is fearful of losing his woman, he will tend to try and force things by contacting her more, acting dopey, more feminine, seeking her approval and constantly needing to know where he stands with her. The confident, centered, masculine man knows women tend to behave more like cats and come and go as they please, and he is okay with that. Smart men let women come to them at their own pace. Men who don’t know any better will chase women right out of their lives.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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