In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work since he was initially trying to get his ex-wife back. He moved on from her, and for the past year has been dating a really hot, strong, confident woman. Lately, she has been backing away, because she says he does not chase her enough and make her feel like a princess. They got into a fight at dinner over a drink straw and are hardly talking after she said she should find herself a new man who will treat her like a princess. He thinks he might have been too cold and distant and taken things such as not pursuing to the extreme, by never calling or texting her, even though she has asked for it several times. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
What’s up Corey!
So I’ve been following your work for a while, and before I was in a different situation trying to get my wife back. I took your advice and moved on, and ended up with an even more successful and hotter chick than my ex-wife. (If you apply the things in my book, you’ll either get the ex back that you want and things will get better, or you’ll get somebody who’s way better than her and have an even better quality relationship, because you attract a better quality person. And the reason you attract a better quality person is because you become better quality.)I’ve been with her now for a year, and she just recently backed away and says she wants space, because I don’t pursue her and reach out to her enough during the day. (As I discuss in my book, you get to the point where women are doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, but sometimes some women are going to put their foot down and say, hey, it’d be nice if you made an effort. If a woman brings up the fact you’re not calling or texting her at all, especially more than once, my standard response to that is not to make excuses. I might tease or play around a bit, or I might tell her I’ll make more of an effort if it’s really important to her.
I will tell her I will surprise her and reach out in ways that are probably unexpected, just to let her know that I care. One week I might call, and another week I may text her. Another week, I might send an email, and another week I might actually write out a card with a thoughtful message. Instead of me just telling her I love her all the time, it shows her through my actions that I care. A great book to read, if you haven’t read it yet, is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.)
I may have gone to the extreme, but I do not contact her unless she contacts me, and when she does contact me, I make it about getting together so we can spend time. (That’s good and everything, but when she keeps bringing it up over and over, you just can’t sweep it under the rug.)
She made a complaint that when we’re not together, she feels like we’re not connected, and that she doesn’t have a boyfriend, because I don’t reach out and the only time she will hear from me is if she reaches out to me. (Then, you went into the logic and reason mode to explain yourself. When a woman says, I want you to show that you care through your actions and reach out to me from time to time, it doesn’t mean you’ve got to do it every day. What I say is, once a week surprise her, but be different about it. Because what she’s really saying is, I want to know that you care, and you’re not showing me enough by taking the initiative to show that you care. The whole purpose of relationships is, you go there to give. You’re there to meet each other’s needs, to help each other grow and become more.)I explained to her that I’m very busy running my business, and that it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just when I get up, I’m focused on my purpose, and I’m really, really busy nowadays around tax season and with everything that’s going on. (What a woman hears is, “I’m not changing anything, and I don’t care enough about you to change my routine.”)
The needing space came from when we were at a restaurant, and I grabbed all of our silverware and napkins, and I asked her if she wanted something to drink before I sat down. She said no, so I sat down and started ordering a part that I needed on my phone for one of my restrooms. We had only a few minutes to eat and get there before they closed. She sat down after she got herself a drink and a few things, and she asked me to get up and get her a straw. I know I shouldn’t have worded things the way I did, but I said, “Babe, get up and get yourself a straw. I need to finish this.”
(What you basically said is, “You’re not important, and I don’t care about you.” That’s what she hears. The reason she asked for the straw is because, in her mind, she’s already upset because you don’t show her enough that you care, so she’s probably picking a fight to see how you’ll respond, because she can tell you’re busy and you’re focused on something, but she’s not getting what she wants from you, which is to show that you care.)
She said, “Dang like that? Fine, I’ll get my own straw. Don’t ask me to get anything for you,” and I said “Hey, don’t you start that princess shit,” sarcastically. (All she’s trying to say is, if you love me, show me. That’s the theme here. She’s in the mindset that you don’t care, so now she’s looking for reasons to test you to prove that you don’t care. To her, you failed that test, and it shows you don’t care.)Then I said, You know what, I’m not going to kiss your ass babe. I’m not sure what you’re used to, but we are both here eating, and I asked you if you needed something and you said no. Now you’re asking me to get you a straw, and that’s not cool.” I hate when girls ask me to do something that they can do for themselves. (That’s not why she was asking you. She was asking you, because she wanted to see that you care.)
Of course, the rest of the night was shot, because I tried to communicate with her as we grabbed the parts I needed, and we went back to the alley. I wanted us to get out of the bullshit mood and just focus on having fun together, but she was stuck in it. (When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. And when she doesn’t, the legs close. You’ve made her feel like you don’t care, and she’s not heard and understood.)
I bowl league, and as the night went on, I tried to make the best of it, making little jokes and trying to tickle her and shit like that. The next morning, she cleaned the whole kitchen, but she was still moody and distant. (You’ve been together a year at this point, so you’re getting to the point where the questions become, can I live with this? Is this a deal breaker? Is there someone out there who will treat me the way I want to be treated? When you have lot of choices and lots of options, you’re more inclined to go find somebody else. When you don’t feel you have options and choices, you’re going to be more inclined to stick around for a bad relationship that you know should end.)As she was about to leave, I said, “Babe, we need to talk, and we should not be like this over a straw.” (Dude, it ain’t over just a straw. That was just metaphorically, the straw that broke the camels back. It was just one more instance of you showing she wasn’t important enough for you to care. That’s the real problem here.) She of course said there was nothing wrong with her and that she was going to go.
Then later on, I got a long email with her expressing how she felt about the situation, and that I was not chasing her enough basically. She says that she’s not a princess. Then, she turned around and said, well actually, she is a princess and that her daddy treats her and caters to her. Her mom and dad have been together for 30-something years, and her dad is like 70-something. She says her dad caters to her mother, and he’s very affectionate. (The fact that she’s mentioning affection, that might be her love language. Or her love language might be you doing things for her. Otherwise, she might not feel like you care. I think “The 5 Love Languages” is a great fucking book.)
I expressed to her that of course, after all those years and the fact that her mom and dad live together in one household, it’s easy for him to be expressive and affectionate. (The reason she’s telling you about her parents is because they have a good relationship, they’ve been together for three decades, her dad dotes on her mom, and that’s how she wants to be treated. It doesn’t mean you turn into her butler and you kiss her fucking ass. What she’s trying to say is, show me that you care.)I told her that I don’t want a phone ship, and that when we’re not together it doesn’t bother me when we don’t speak, as I’m not insecure about our status. (Again, you’re using more logic and reason to justify why you aren’t changing shit.) I told her if we don’t speak, I simply think she’s busy, and that when she has time to, she’ll reach out to me.
Anyway, to cut to the chase, she said she wanted space, and that she’s going to find some guy that’s going to cater to her and treat her like a princess and all of that, yada, yada, yada. I told her that she can do what she has to do, as I am very busy, and I make time for her, and I do cater to her when we together, but I’m not going to chase after her, and to not let the door hit her where the good Lord split her. I told her that if she’s out there bullshittin’ and looking for other men to not come back to me after she’s been testing the waters with other men, because I don’t want that crap back. That same day, I drove for an hour to go get her supplies for her catering company. (It also sounds like you should get some acknowledgement from her for driving for an hour to get supplies for her catering company. And you did it because you care.)
She told me that she knew I would not call her, and that the only way she would hear from me is if she texted me, and she is damn right. I have not contacted her since Friday, and I don’t plan on it. I’m not cocky or think that I’m the best dude on the planet, but I know I have been treating her well, and I just have a thing about letting women walk over me. (Calling or texting her once a week will go a long way.) I know she wants to turn me into a beta male, (No, but she will test you to see if she can), because that’s what her ex-husband was. I’m not down for that bullshit.
I may have been too hard on her, and with all of the crap my ex-wife has put me through, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit. I may have gone to the extreme of not contacting her or reaching out and waiting to hear from her. I know she is doing almost 100% of the reaching out. (You’re not really interacting with her in a way that is consistent with your relationship. It’s really as if she’s your ex-wife.) Should I apologize, or let her come back to me when she has had time to marinate on the situation? I think it’s bullshit about the straw situation, but obviously there was more to it than that, and maybe I have been too much of a cold fish. (Ding, Ding! You already know what the problem is.)I have been trying to move to a new home, because I need to get out of where I’m at, and I asked her if she’s wanted to join our family together. She’s been kind of lagging and saying that she wants more time for me to get to know her children before we move forward. (It’s only been a year dude. Just slow your roll.) Our children are the exact same age and gender. They get along great, and they ask for each other when we’re not together.
I say all this, because she wants my affection and she wants me chasing her, but yet I lay the cards on the table and say okay let’s be a family, and she’s dragging her feet. (The reason is because she doesn’t feel heard, understood and loved. Just reach out once a week and surprise her. Make a big deal out of it and say, I do this because I listen and I heard you baby. This was important to you, and I’m reaching out to let you know.)
We were looking at this big ass house. It’s about 4,000 square feet. She’s in love with the house, but she’s not trying to commit to being there, and I feel like if you’re going to be in a relationship with someone, the only way you really know them is if you’re living together, in my opinion. (It’s only been a year, and where things are right now, get the house that you can afford for you and your kids. Don’t be doing it because of her. If later on she wants to move in, she’ll let you know.)
I know people that dated for years, and then once they get married, they divorce within a year, because once they live together, they uncover a whole lot of crap about each other they didn’t like. (That’s definitely true. Everything that you’re doing, I like. You stand up for yourself, and you won’t put up with any bullshit. The only thing you’re being a stubborn jackass about is the calling and texting. Once or twice a week is all you have to do. Just say, you’re right. I’ve been selfish, and I’ll put forth more of an effort. I would also highly encourage you to look at my article and video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” and you also need to review the communication skills in the back of my book. The relationship skills that are in the latter half of my book really come into play after the ninety-day to six-month mark of a relationship.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Love is about caring. Not only saying you care but also showing you care. Women know that if men really care, they show it in addition to saying it. Men often mistakenly dismiss their women’s need for more affection and caring behavior by using logic and reason to justify their actions as proof they care. This makes women feel like they are not heard or understood. By women understanding that men need direct explicit logical instructions when describing what they need of their men, and men understanding that women tend to use feelings, emotions, examples and inferences, instead of logic and reason to communicate their needs, they both will be able to understand and meet each others needs more effectively.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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