She’s Not Yours, It’s Just Your Turn?

Why some women will never really be yours, because it’s just your turn at dating them, but soon they will be monkey branching to another guy.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating a woman who was part of his friend group. He says that things were great for about the first two or three months. He admits that he became a pushover and she started treating him like a doormat and lost respect and attraction for him. They dated for about eight months total and then broke up. She was on dating apps talking to other men, but occasionally she would still sleep with him.

However, last week he found out that she had also been sleeping with one of his close friends. He confronted them both about it in their friend group. His friend was remorseful, but she was not. He still wants her back but doesn’t know if he should and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

The reality is, and I’ve talked about this for years and see it all the time, guys try to turn a hoe into a housewife. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes, but guys try all the time. They come in like Captain Save-a-Hoe, “I’m going to fix her, I’m going to save her. I’m going to be such a great boyfriend that she’ll never leave me. She’ll treat me great.”

And this is just delusional thinking, because as soon as the interest drops, when you’re in a relationship with somebody that has no integrity and their romantic interest is low, they’ll just start talking to other guys. They’ll go out and have “friendly” cocktail hours with these guys, and then one thing leads to another and oops! It just kind of happens, his dick ends up inside of her. Then, the guys are surprised.

But if you look at their history, and especially their family, the reality is kids are going to emulate whatever they learn from their parents in relationship. Kids that come from a family where there’s lots of cheating, lying and disloyalty are going to be more inclined to cheat and be disloyal in their own relationships, because that’s simply what they learned from their parents. Now, it doesn’t mean that they’re all going to turn out this way, but the majority of them are going to be inclined to be this way, if you look at their actions.

Also, on the flip side of that, just to give you an example, I’ve got friends that like to drink and party a lot, friends going all the way back to high school. And some of them, their kids like to party just like they do. And others’ kids are just like, “I don’t want to be like my parents. I don’t want to party that much.” So, they’re more reserved, and they don’t go full out.

Then you’ve got other people that grow up in crummy, broken homes and they resolved to say, “You know what, when I have a family some day, I’m just not going to present this kind of example. I want to be different. I want to end this dysfunctional cycle that just continuously gets perpetuated from one generation to the next.”

So, you see in this particular woman, despite all the crap that she’s done to this guy, he’s thinking, “I want her back.” And if you, yourself, are thinking you’ve been in situations like this, or maybe you’ve got friends, nine times out of ten, especially when they’re emotions are involved — because we make decisions based on emotions and we use logic and reason to justify it — you’re not going to talk these friends of yours out of this. They’ve got to hit the wall. They’ve got to get burned so bad, so many times that they finally start to recognize, as Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”

This is a good email to learn from, to learn what not to do. But the other thing to consider is, you see this in movies and TV shows all the time, that people in these situations somehow magically have a great relationship come from this. And it may happen occasionally, one of out ten thousand may work out like they do in the movies, but the reality is in the real world, it won’t.

There are certain women that belong to the streets, that are great for fuck buddies, friends with benefits, open relationships, sex playmates, but they’re not ever going to be capable of being exclusive and loyal where you can actually trust them, to talk, to communicate, to work things out like adults, because they never learned it. If they didn’t learn it from their parents, then there’s no way for them to develop this value system. That’s most people. There’s always exceptions to the rules, but for the most part, you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

This girl and I were friends before dating because we are in the same friend group. Fast forward and we start dating. Things were amazing for 2-3 months, (we dated for 8 months total). We got along great and couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and had so much in common.

In this stage, the honeymoon stage, you’re driven by your emotions, you feel good, you make each other feel good, but the red flags are always there. But because the emotions are strong, they totally override your logic and reason, and you just ignore the red flags. Once the honeymoon period goes by, people stop putting their best food forward. Maybe they take the other person for grated. Maybe the red flags have really become obvious. Maybe they’re in a relationship with somebody that’s just a terrible communicator.

And when communication is not possible — because that person just simply refuses to communicate, or is incapable of it, or is passive aggressive, or maybe they’re a narcissistic personality disorder, or maybe they’re just a narcissist — you just can’t fix people like that, especially if they’re unwilling to communicate. As a guy dating a woman, when you ask her what’s going on, what she’s thinking and feeling, what she means when she says something, if it doesn’t just effortlessly flow out of her, you’re going to have a hard time resolving differences and keeping things fun, easy and effortless.

When I look at my life now and the girlfriends that I wrote about in “How To Be A 3% Man” and the close friends that I have, we’re always nice to each other. We get along great, we talk things out, and they all tend to be easygoing and easy to get along with. In life, just dealing with the rest of the world, most people aren’t like that. There’s a lot of feral humans that we all have to deal with in our business, our lives, our careers and our personal life.

So, it’s very important that the people you allow into your inner circle that they share the same goals and values. If you have somebody that’s just difficult, bringing all kinds of drama, it’s just going to make your life way harder. It’ll make you hate your life. And if you hate your life and you start hating yourself, it’s not a good thing. It’ll take you down a dark path.

I was dominant at first, but because she is a very dominant female, I ended up becoming submissive and a pushover who let her walk all over me, and I did everything for her and was at her beck and call.

You, in essence, changed. If I was talking to her and asking her questions, that’s probably one of the things she would say, that you were so different in the beginning, and then you changed. And that’s part of the problem. Most guys don’t understand how to be a man. You fear losing a woman and then you start becoming a pleaser, because you do things she says she wants, even though internally you might be feeling like, “I don’t really want to do this, but I want to make her happy. I don’t want to rock the boat.”

Things then changed. She told me she lost her attraction for me.

Yeah, you stopped acting like the guy that she was attracted to in the beginning.

And that it’s because she is graysexual.

Okay, I looked up “graysexual,” and it’s kind of like a mixture of asexual and not really that interested or that attracted. I know it’s a term, you can look it up, but it sounds like a lot of fucking bullshit to me and an excuse. The reality was, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other in the beginning. Now that she doesn’t want to have sex with him, he’s noticed a difference, and so he asked her about it, and she just says, “Oh, I’m graysexual, by the way.” A few months ago, she couldn’t keep her hands off of you, but she’s graysexual. Okay.

So, for the average guy, they hear that and go, “Oh, well that sounds logical. Let’s see if we can fix that.” What it really is is an excuse because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, and it doesn’t sound like you were really open to what she had to say anyway.

And she was confused about what she wanted in a relationship.

When a woman says she’s confused, she’s not confused. She just doesn’t want to admit to the fact that she doesn’t really want to be in a relationship with you.

We continued our relationship, sex was very few and far in between, and I continued to be a pushover thinking that if I was, she would become attracted to me again.

Well, that’s what you see on TV all the time, especially the sitcoms. The men are absolutely terrified of their wives or their girlfriends. It’s just absolutely disgusting, but obviously on TV, being terrified of your wife or girlfriend and complying with her unreasonable demands means that she’ll love you and you’ll be a great boyfriend and husband. But if you do that in the real world, this is what happens.

We finally called it quits.

I love how he says “we.” Yeah, I’d say she probably dumped you finally.

And she really wanted to stay friends and that maybe down the road we could get back together.

So, she’s just letting you down easy.

I still continued to be submissive and do everything she asked, bought things for her and told her how much I loved her.

Dude, you’ve got to have some self respect.

I was barely getting anything back in return.

Well, you want to match and mirror the other person.

We would have sex here and there, but it was more because she had an itch to do so than actually wanting to have sex with me.

So, you got a few mercy fucks. That’s really emasculating, but for some guys the thirst is real.

She was on Tinder and always talking to these other guys while telling me we could hopefully work another time.

Okay. What she’s really saying is, “Thanks for the free dick until I find your replacement.” This is really more ideally suited for what she’s ideally suited for, which is kind of a casual hookup, friends with benefits. Make sure you wear a raincoat with a woman like this, because you ain’t the only one she’s hooking up with.

Last week I found out she slept with one of my closest friends a couple of days prior.

She belongs to the streets! If it’s not obvious by now, come on.

I confronted them in front of the whole friend group. My buddy owned up to what happened and sincerely apologized to me, while making it clear that it meant nothing to him and that he regrets and wished it never happened.

What a load of bullshit. If you believe that, I’ve got a bridge I can sell you. Your friend’s probably, just like you, hoping that he’s going to get her. Just like the title says, in this case it totally applies, she’s not yours, it’s just your turn. With these kinds of women, this is totally accurate.

The problem the red pill community has is that these guys hear that, and that shit becomes their religion. Then they paint all women with the broad brush that “They’re all the same. She’s not yours, it’s just your turn. Pump and dump. Women are horrible.” And they’re not, but when you believe that, when you think that way, you’re going to continue to attract the same kind of women into your life. So, from their perspective, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’m all about self-reliance, being man enough to admit that, in this particular case, hey, you screwed it up. You tried turning a hoe into a housewife. But it is what it is. These are the kinds of things that you learn from, and that’s why the vetting process is so important.

The reality is most of us don’t meet people that we really like, we really connect with and that feel the same way, and so when it does happen, we want to admit that finally, the waiting is over. The right person has finally walked into our lives. God has finally smiled on us today, and everything is going to be rainbows and unicorns and babies for the rest of our lives. And the reality is, that’s just simply not accurate.

But people want the fantasy. They want it to be true, and so they look past all of these things, and you’ll see despite all of this shit, this guy is still thinking, “I still want to get back together with her.”

My ex on the other hand told me she doesn’t regret it and isn’t sorry about it.

Well, in this case, she’s trying to get the point across to you like, “Dude, you need to move on.”

Since I found out, she has been a complete bitch to me.

She doesn’t respect you. Women can’t love men they can’t respect. You didn’t stand up for yourself. You allowed her to walk all over you, so she completely lost all respect for you as a man and lost attraction.

And told me to grow up and move on.

That’s the first time she’s really been honest and trying to tell you what’s really going on.

This is what I told her, “Then we can no longer be friends. I’m not going to be put on the sideline and watch someone else play the game I want to play.”

Dude, come on, man. Have some self-respect. You’re still seeking her attention and validation. She just totally burned you in your friend group, and yet you’re still begging for her approval.

“Plus, for my emotional and mental health, I cannot be friends with you. If our paths cross again and you end up wanting to try again between us, then great.”

Come on, man. She fucking belongs to the streets.

“But other than that, I’m not going to be a part of your life. I hope you have an amazing life and do something special with it. I’m still always here for you if you seriously need someone.”

Come on, man. Look at all of the contradictory statements here. This is why she’s absolutely repulsed by you. She’s a hoe anyway, but you’re not doing yourself any favors. “Please pay attention to me your highness and give me another shot! But I’m not going to friends with you anymore. But call me if you need anything!”

Since then, it’s been a couple of days since I’ve spoken to her, and I haven’t tried to reach out.

I would never call or text her again for any reason.

A friend suggested your videos after this happened, and I’ve been binge watching them since.

Well, how about you start reading the book? It’s free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. You’ve got to learn the fundamentals. If you you’re cherry picking, not much is really going to help you, because the videos are based on the assumption that you actually know the fundamentals in the book.

You’re half-assing it. You’re being lazy, and that is not going to help you have sustainable success. But you’ve got to have good grapes. You cannot make good wine from these bad grapes. Why? Because she belongs to the streets! You’re fishing out of the sewer, my man.

And obviously, you need to look at your peer group because you’re, in essence, sharing women in your peer group with other dudes, whether you realize it or not. If you stay involved in this friend group, you’re inviting more of it, because these kinds of women are part of your friend group. If you stay involved with them you’re telling the universe, “Thanks, may I have another? Please send me more women like this.”

Reflecting on the relationship, I can see that I was being tested by her and that I didn’t stand up for myself and assert my dominance.

Yeah, but it really didn’t matter, because she belongs to the streets. She’s a whore anyway.

She continued to test me after she lost her attraction in hopes that I would finally stand up for myself and be the man she wanted me to be.

Best,

Bob

Well, if you marry a woman like this, if you get in a relationship with her, you might find out ten, twenty years down the road that half your kids aren’t even yours. Because any time you’re acting like a bitch, she just goes and fucks somebody else. And whoops! Slips one past the goalie. I’ve had lots of phone sessions over the years with guys that have had that unfortunate experience.

And the way the laws are in some states, down the road if you find out the kid’s not even yours, the state doesn’t care. You’ve got to pay that alimony and child support for a child that wasn’t yours. That’s why it’s so important to vet your dating prospects properly, but unfortunately, most people don’t. They think crying that all women are the same and saying all women are like this absolves yourself from any personal responsibility for your own shitty vetting procedures and your failure to properly pre-qualify the women, and obviously in this case, the peer group that you spend your time with.

You’re obviously hanging out with people that have zero integrity. You attract how you act. And so, if I were you, I would be doing some real self-examination on the people that you’re spending your time with. Like I said, I would be reading “How To Be A 3% Man” backwards and forwards to learn the fundamentals. Get back out there, start dating and meeting other women, and you’ve got to find out what their backgrounds are like.

When you go out with enough women, you’ll see that at some point, they’re going to tell you about their past. Let them tell you, because that’s what you’re going to need to know in order to vet them. Women just volunteer this. If you’re doing what’s in “3% Man,” you will be told everything you need to know, assuming she’s a normal, happy, healthy woman. Bad women, my book brings out the best and the worst really fast. And it brings out the best in the best women really fast as well, so that you know what you’re dealing with.

That’s why you’ve got to read the book. There’s no shortcuts to success. I wish there was. You retain 8-10% of what you watch and read and see, each time you watch, read and see it. That’s why you’ve got to go through it 10-15 times and know it backwards and forwards, so you don’t make these colossal mistakes and waste eight months of your life getting burned by a woman who belongs to the streets who you should have just casually hooked up with and never had anything to do with.

Now, if you’re a lunatic and you still want to heat up these leftovers, you’re never going to call or text her again for any reason. And if she does reach out, invite her over. Hang out, have fun and hook up at your house. Make some dinner together, invite her over for drinks, but I would never take her out on dates. Treat her like a fuck buddy. Fuck buddies don’t get dates and you don’t spend money on them.

And if she doesn’t like that say, “Yeah, give me a call in a couple of weeks, and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then.” I’d be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” But again, she’s a fuck buddy, nothing more. If you think you’re going to fix her, change her or save her, you are in for a lot of pain down the road. Ignore that advice at your own peril.

If you’ve got a question or a challenge in your personal or professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“If you are seeking a long term monogamous, exclusive relationship, you must properly vet your dating prospects to make sure they actually share the same goals and values and most importantly, that they have the background and upbringing that instilled these values. You must also make sure their actions and past behavior match their values. Why? People from broken homes may wish to be exclusive and monogamous and aspire to this ideal, but their actions are simply not consistent with these values. Way too many people are driven by and only pay attention to their emotions. Because of this, they fail to properly vet their romantic prospects with disastrous consequences. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. Naïve and delusional people will try, but smart and enlightened people will simply judge others by their actions, see reality as it is and act accordingly.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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