What you should do if a woman you have been dating and talking to is slowly ceasing contact, backing away and appears to be losing romantic interest in you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first is an email from a guy who has been on a few dates with a woman he really likes in another city. They mostly have been talking on the phone and texting since they do not live close to one another. However, it’s obvious he is deluding himself and thinks his continued excessive contact is not the cause for the fact she seems bored, takes days to respond to his texts and is backing away and losing interest. It’s the perfect example of a guy who can’t seem to get out of his own way and is literally chasing this woman right out of his life. I tell him how to balance his contact with her responses and what he needs to do to give himself a chance at re-attracting her, so she eventually becomes as highly attracted to him as she was when they first met.
The second email is from a guy who has gone no contact after getting dumped by his girlfriend of six years about three months ago. He still has some things of hers, and he wants to know if it’s okay to break no contact to return them to her. The reality is he’s simply looking for an excuse to start pursuing her. I tell him what to do instead. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been on a couple dates with this girl who is long distance. We met online, exchanged numbers, chatted for a while on text, (the replies were a few days apart), but nevertheless got a date set up.
(If you meet somebody on social media, you’re going to send a few text messages back and forth, and then you should be exchanging phone numbers, because ideally you want to see them and you want them to see you. Then you can read their facial expressions and body language versus texting. As I talk about in my book, it’s much more masculine to pick up the phone and call a woman or do a video date with her versus sending a text. Texting is a low-risk way for a guy to avoid rejection.)
I went down to London to meet her, we went for a dinner and drinks and ended up kissing. Easily the hottest girl I’ve dated so far.
(More than likely, you are putting her on a pedestal and you’re already starting to treat her differently than you do all the other women you’ve been on dates with. The problem is, if you want a romantic interaction with a woman, you’ve got to be romantic. The whole purpose of seduction is to get closer and closer to a woman, until you are inside of her. But when a guy tends to be extra nice to a girl, he gives her too much non-sexual attention, and eventually she thinks he’d be a great friend.)
Knowing what I know now from reading your book, I made a lot of mistakes. I became a pen pal and would also chat on the phone for an hour at a time.
(If you’re talking to her for a half hour, it should be easy to arrange a date to meet up. It’s totally counter productive to talk on the phone. The less time you spend in person, the more you’re going to talk her into friend-zoning you and being less sexually attracted to you.)
But I got the second date. It was better than the last, we were all over each other, but sex didn’t happen.
A little background… we’re both of Indian descent, and it isn’t typical to expect sex to happen after 2 or 3 dates.
(You’re already assuming she’s a certain way. Because you believe that, it causes you to hold back and not escalate things the way I discuss in my book. No matter where you’re from, men and women respond to what they respond to. It’s just the way we’re made.)
Her interest was peaking, and she told me she couldn’t wait to see me again, etc. This despite making errors, including saying on the date “you’ll have to make it up my way next,” basically talking about another date and drowning anticipation.
(If she’s bringing up the next time you’ll see each other again, there’s nothing wrong with saying she has to come to you next time. It’s like the tennis analogy I discuss all the time. Dating is like tennis. You want her to make the same effort to see you as you’re coming to see her, especially if she’s from another town.)
About a week later, we’d talked at length on the phone once, and after that I didn’t hear from her for a few days — unusual.
(If you spoke on the phone for an hour instead of setting the next date, she’s comfortable with you, because you already spent enough time together. The phone is for setting dates. You’re not following instructions, thinking, “Hey, I’m different.” And obviously you’re going to suffer the consequences for that. Men who know what they want and are used to getting what they want reach out and set a second date. You don’t reach out to a woman and become her therapist or emotional tampon on the phone. That’s the quickest way to get right into friend-zone.
It’s your job to be the leader and lead the interaction. As I discuss in the book, it’s usually the second or third date when a woman starts reaching out to you, and at that point, because her attraction level is growing, you can back off and let her start to pursue more. The guy pursues in the beginning, but as the woman starts to pick up the ball and run with it, then you can just let her come to you at her pace. Then everything is her idea. When a woman is chasing you, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected, dumped or friend-zoned.)
So I messaged a huge pen pal text, replying to the chain preceding it.
(You spoke on the phone and then the next time you sent a text You’re being inconsistently masculine. You already made a mistake by not making a date.)
She got back to me eventually. She’d been going through a hard time at work and she’d decided to quit.
(The reality is her attraction level for you is going down. If she was really into you and going through a hard time at work, she’s going to call or text you. She’s going to want to talk to you, but obviously you’re turning her off, so she’s backing away.)
I knew she was dealing with this before. She asked me for advice about it, and she did some of what I told her, since I had experience with this sort of thing in my line of work.
(It’s fine to do those things in person, but now you’re doing it on the phone. You’re acting like a non-sexual friend at this point.)
It’s been nearly three weeks since she walked out of her job, and I’ve barely heard from her.
(Obviously, you’ve done a lot of damage at this point. Remember before, she couldn’t wait to hear from you again. Now you barely hear from her over the course of three weeks.)
After she replied to my last long text, I switched things up and just replied very short and punchy replies, focusing on flirting, etc.
(If she’s reaching out, you should assume she wants to see you, and make a fucking date.)
However, she dodged them, so I knew things were going south.
I focused on setting up dates, so after not hearing from her for a few days, I asked how she was with heights but kept it at that, wanting to surprise her about the next date.
(It was a missed opportunity. This is what the nice guys do when they’re too afraid to ask for the date.)
She didn’t say yes/no/when she was available, so I left it at that.
(It’s your job to be the leader — to be direct, decisive, get to the fucking point and make a date. But you didn’t do that. If you let her take control of the conversation, you’re not being direct, you’re not being decisive and you’re not getting to the point. You’re acting like the nice-guy friend, the emotional tampon. Women want you to be the leader.)
Since then, I had to go to London for an interview. She realized off social that I was in London, got so excited and really wanted to meet up, but I couldn’t because of this interview. I asked her to come to me, but we both knew it was rush hour and would have taken too long, as she had things to do late, and I had to catch a train. I said I’d make plans with her she would still need to say if she was up for this adventure. I know now I should have just said when are you available for it.
Four days went by, and she finally messaged back, but she just said, “Hey you okay? Sorry, I’ve kinda been all over the place recently. Had so much crap to think about,” with sad emojis, etc., ignoring the date request altogether.
(Yeah, because now you’re the emotional tampon. She knows you’re interested, but now you’ve really steered this thing from the romantic zone over to friend-zone, so she’s starting to treat you like a friend. When she has a problem, she wants to call and connect like she would with one of her girlfriends. Then she just ignores the date request.)
I replied back a day later saying, “Hey, hope you’re okay. Give me a call when you’re free, and we can catch up then.”
(You should have said, “Hey, give me a call. Let’s get dinner.”)
It’s been four days, and I haven’t heard anything. I can’t tell if I’m screwing up,
(Yes, you’re screwing up),
because I should talk to her more, or get on the phone and just sort out a date.
(No that’s the problem. You’re talking too much and you’re not getting together. You started out okay, but you basically talked this girl out of liking you. You need to make a fucking date.
If you value yourself and you have self-respect, you’ll be spending time with somebody who’s excited to be with you, not somebody that just blows it off. You’re putting this girl on a pedestal, treating her like she’s the most valuable woman in the world, yet you’re just like a second thought to her. She’s put you in backup position and keeping you there for awhile while she spends time with or fucks the guy she’s actually hooking up with. She does just enough to stir the pot to keep you interested, so she can get some validation and attention from you.)
I knew I was coming across as needy initially, and that is why I changed my behavior and stopped the pen pal stuff, etc., and I’m focusing on dates.
(I don’t see where your behavior has changed at all. You’ve been consistently doing things wrong. As I discuss in my book, if you ask the woman out twice on two separate occasions when she reaches out to you first, and she won’t make a date, then you just stop asking. She’ll either bring it up when she reaches out, or she’ll disappear forever.)
Obviously, she’s been on WhatsApp a lot all day, and all over social. She’s just ignoring my text.
(So you’re stalking her on all social media, trying to figure out what’s going on.)
In the meantime, I’ve been busy doing a lot of things myself, and now and again I’ll stick something on social media like meal prep or about the business I’m building, and I know she’s seen them.
I think I may have blown it. She’s smoking hot, and there’s no doubt she’ll have all these local guys vying for her attention.
(Yeah, she’s probably fucking somebody else at this point, because you talked her out of liking you.)
My plan is to call her to arrange a date.
(Well, you’re still waiting to hear from her at this point, and she ignored your request for a date last time. I wouldn’t call or text her at all at this point. I’d wait to hear from her, and then make a definite date. Get right to the point. And if she texts you, say, “Hey, I’m going to call you.”)
If she doesn’t answer, I’ll leave her a voicemail and see what happens.
(I wouldn’t do anything. I would just wait to hear from her, and try to set a date if you can. If you go out on a date, see how things progress. The idea is to hang out, have fun and hook up.
You should also be dating other women, because if this girl is as hot as you say she is, she’s got plenty of other attention from guys. And guys that know what they’re doing are probably making dates and hooking up with her, and you’re kind of like the backup guy, stuck in friendzone. But you don’t want to be anybody’s backup plan. You want to be a priority.)
Please share your thoughts, wisdom and expertise!
Second Viewer’s Email:
I really dig your work. After a 6-year relationship, I was dumped and I have maintained complete no-contact for 3 months, despite hoping she would reconsider, but I have hung in there.
(Well, she unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship, so there’s not a lot you can do about that at this point.)
While doing some spring cleaning, I found her dog crate in my garage. I had borrowed it when I watched her dogs last summer. It’s not something she needs back right away, and she may not be even thinking about it. It is not a major inconvenience for me to hang on to it for a while, but eventually, she should get it back. It’s a nice one.
(If she really wants to get it back, she’ll get in touch with you. She dumped you. The reality is, you think going back and pursuing is going to somehow help things, but obviously, she doesn’t give a fuck right now.)
Do I just drop it off in her driveway on some Tuesday afternoon – saying nothing at all?
(You only want to drop the cage off because you’re hoping she’ll contact you. You need to take it apart, throw it in the back of your attic and forget about it. Women will often leave things at a guy’s house because it gives them an excuse to reach out in the future.)
That would continue “No Contact,” but is that kind of jerky – like we cannot talk like normal people would in this ordinary situation?
(No contact means no contact. That means, if she doesn’t reach out to you, you’re never, ever going to speak again. She’s the one who dumped you. In other words, she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. You should definitely read my article, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you also need to read the book. She ended things, therefore it’s her responsibility to rekindle them. If she wants her crate, she can contact you.)
Or do I text her and say I have it, asking if she will pick it up, or I drop it off?
(Again, you’re looking for a reason to break no contact because it’s been three months, and you’re worried you’re never going to hear from her again. The whole point is, you should assume you’re never going to hear from her again. You should assume it’s over forever. If she wants it back, she’ll get in touch.
You having it gives her a reason to reach out. If she says, “Do you still have that dog cage?” Say, “Yeah. Why don’t you come on over, bring a bottle of wine, we’ll make dinner together and you can pick it up.” Then if she says, “I just want my dog crate back,” then say, “No problem. I’ll leave it on the front porch.” You’re not going to go drop it off to her. Come on. She dumped you after six years. Have some self-respect.
You definitely need to read the book, and you need to get focused on your mission and purpose in life, start dating other women and move on with your life. It’s the best thing to help you get back on the horse and move forward, because obviously she’s out dating, having a good time and enjoying her life, because she knows she can call you and you’ll drop whatever you’re doing to spend time with her. She’s got to come back to you.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Men who are not 100% focused on their purpose and mission in life tend to think a woman is the solution to their happiness, boredom and the fact they are not really that excited about their own lives. This often causes them to try too hard to the point they smother, over-pursue and come off as needy and clingy. They also mistakenly try to substitute controlling their women for their lack of personal self-control and the fact they feel totally out of control in their own lives, because they are not doing anything to shape, change and control their own destiny. Men must get their professional lives in order first, before they can reach their full potential in their personal lives. Having an unbalanced and unfocused professional life leads to turmoil and inconsistent success in your personal life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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