What it means and what you should do when a woman you’re dating is pursing more, but still doesn’t want to be exclusive.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email update from the viewer whose email I answered in my previous newsletter titled, “How Often Should You Contact Women To Make Them Chase You?” The girl in question wasn’t initiating contact back then, but she’s starting to now. However, she still doesn’t want to be exclusive and it’s clear she’s dating and probably sleeping with other men. She tells him that he should be seeing other women.
They’ve been seeing each other for several months, and he’s obviously wanting exclusivity, but since he is projecting his fantasy of who he wants her to be and ignoring reality, he’s having a hard time dating other women and focusing on his outcome of finding the right girl for him as he waits for the booty call girl to choose him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
You can tell this guy really likes her. He’s kind of pedestalized her a little bit, and that’s probably part of his problem. And if I was a betting man, I would bet he probably hasn’t really read 3% Man 10 to 15 times, so he’s still making mistakes and doing and saying unattractive things when he’s on a date. And keep in mind, this is the second email he’s written where he’s focused on, “How do I get this girl to like me? How do I lock her down? How do I get her to want to commit to me?” Instead of having the attitude of taking a step back, bottom lining her actions, looking at what she’s doing and not what she’s saying.
You want women that want to be with you, that are enthusiastic to spend time with you, that are excited when you contact them, and they make a mutual effort. And when you have women that kind of behave this way, what happens is, is all of us do this – men and women both do this – we tend to project our fantasy of what we want onto that person, and then we ignore the reality of what they’re actually doing and the fact they’re not reciprocating very much. So, from going through the first email newsletter and this one, it’s obvious that he’s way more into her than she is into him.
And if I was a betting man, she probably can feel that, and that’s part of what’s getting in the way of her becoming more attracted to him. And so, because he’s got super high interest in her, what’s happening is he’s calling too much, he’s probably texting too much, or he’s saying things on the dates that are making him look unattractive. Maybe he’s getting perturbed, maybe he’s getting butt-hurt. We don’t really know. But when I just look at what the girl is doing and saying – and this is assuming that she’s a normal, healthy woman and not some kind of fruit loop – her actions are the actions of a woman that is just still not that attracted. But her interest has gone up since the last email.
So, this is a good one to fine tune your approach, especially if you’re new to my work, or you were dating a woman that you really liked and things started going sideways, where she’s backing away or she’s not initiating. And then you start reading the book, and you’re trying to overcome unattractive behaviors in the middle of the process of you dating somebody you’re super into, when you’re way more into her than she’s into you. It’s really hard. And I wrote about my own experiences trying to learn this stuff. It’s really hard to make a course correction when you’re in the middle of the storm, so to speak.
It’s much easier to avoid the hurricane by planning ahead, versus finding yourself in the middle of a hurricane and going, “Oh yeah, I need this book, and I think I’m going to start reading it now to try to turn things around.” Because by then you’re emotionally invested. And as we know, we make our decisions based upon our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify those decisions. And since I’ve been doing this for so long, I see that a lot in the emails, and especially in the phone sessions where guys just do not want to admit that the way they’re showing up and the vibe they’re giving off is totally turning the woman off, because that means accepting personal responsibility.
I had a phone session last week with a guy. He was going through a difficult time in his life professionally, and he made the mistake of trying to turn his girlfriend into his mommy and his therapist. And he didn’t like it when I was pointing that out to him, how unattractive it is, and his argument is, “Hey, aren’t we supposed to be able to lean on our girl?” Well, yeah, you can do it for a short period of time, but when it goes on for six months, or a year, or longer and you just can’t pull yourself out of the funk, you’re supposed to be the man in the relationship.
I’ve done countless phone sessions over the years with guys that are very successful, high achieving alpha males, fit and in shape. The wives are very successful as well. They have a great relationship, and then the guy goes through a difficult time. Maybe he has a business issue that comes up because the economy, or in other cases they go through periods of time where they have some kind of debilitating illness. And what happens is they want to lean too much on their wives. And this may have been wives that they’ve been with for multiple decades. They’ve raised their kids. The kids have gone off and gone to college, graduated, become very successful, yet they try to turn their wives of multi-decades into their mommy and their therapist for six months, a year, or more, and then they’re shocked that she’s lost all attraction and respect for them.
Sometimes the women move out. Sometimes the women want divorce. These guys are trying to turn it around, and they get really pissed off and upset when I point this out. And I often joke about it. It’s like, “Hey, if you don’t like it, if you want a partner, that’s going to be your mommy and your therapist – these are things that you share with your guy friends – maybe you should date dudes. Because women are not wired to be your mommy and therapists. You’re supposed to be the strong one. You’re supposed to be the rock. You’re supposed to be the mountain. And people don’t really react too well when their preconceived ideas of how women are supposed to be in a relationship don’t match up to reality and what they actually respond to.
So, that’s part of the challenge of being a coach is when I’m reading emails like this or I’m on a phone session with somebody, and you’re dealing with somebody that’s bullshitting themselves, they’re emotionally wrapped up in their unattractive behaviors, and they don’t want to stop them, because stopping them means that you’re doing things wrong. And especially when it comes to intimate relationships, us guys, we tend to be very egocentric, and we don’t want to admit when we’re making mistakes. And so, they try to avoid it at all costs.
And so that’s why I say, what’s beautiful about what I do, the understanding I have is I can go through this and I can just look at what the woman is doing. And based on what she’s doing, what she’s saying, and how she’s showing up, I can tell what this guy is actually doing right and wrong, even though he might be bullshitting himself, bullshitting me in the email, or if it’s a phone session, trying to bullshit me and make it out to be like, “Hey, I’m really following the book. I’m doing everything you taught me.” And then, when I look at what the girl is actually doing, I can cut right through the bullshit and call the guy out. Oftentimes, they don’t like it because it means looking inward and addressing things they don’t really want to address.
A month ago you made a video answering my question in “How Often Should You Contact Women To Make Them Chase You?” (My original question is included below.) I have an update on that situation, after following your advice, and a follow-up question.
The last time I wrote in, the girl I was seeing never texted me in between dates, even though she was very interested in person. Since then, I have stuck to only reaching out once a week and the three H’s.
A man’s job in the courtship is to just simply create the next opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up when you’re hanging out when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, then you take things through to the conclusion of seduction in the bedroom.
It’s not about locking her down or getting her to commit to a relationship, even though a lot of guys do that, because quite frankly, that’s what we see in movies and TV all the time. The guy is supposed to be the pursuer, which is true, but the reality is the guy starts the courtship off. And once the woman’s emotions become engaged, she starts to pursue more and more. But most guys that don’t know any better, that have seen all the same movies and TV shows that we’ve seen, are inclined to call the text more and try to force things, which ends up causing a woman to lose attraction.
And as she starts to back off, the guy starts to pursue more, where she gets to the point where she’s confused, there’s no spark, there’s no chemistry. “I’m unsure where I’m able to be at this point in my life. I’m not ready for a relationship.” You get those kinds of things. And so, you’ll see, part of that is this girl is even encouraging this guy to date other women and reminding him of that.
The only reason a woman is going to remind a guy that they should be dating other women is because they’re feeling smothered. Because they could tell the guy’s getting attached, and he’s way more into her than she is into him. In other words, she’s not emotionally there yet. And it’s hard for these guys to course correct when they’re in the middle of it, when they’re in the middle of the hurricane, so to speak. And this guy is obviously struggling with that.
She has now started reaching out more during the week.
That’s a good sign. That tells me that he backed off enough and calmed down enough to where he gave her the space to where she started to miss him. She started to wonder where she stood with him, and therefore, she started to reach out. And this is one of the things he was not doing before, even though he originally believed he was following the book to a T.
She texts me now once or twice in between dates and has been much more affectionate. She says she’s told her friends about me too and is showing more signs of being invested/into me.
However, two months have gone by now since we started dating…
So, you see he’s still focused on the time frame. “It’s been two months and she still doesn’t want to be my girlfriend.”
…and she is still showing several signs that she doesn’t want to be exclusive. I’m trying to figure out what might be going wrong in this situation.
Well, number one, you’re focusing on that. You’re focusing on the fact that she doesn’t want to be exclusive and hasn’t brought it up yet. And as a man, that should not be your focus. Your focus should just be creating the next opportunity for sex to happen when she does reach out.
We only see each other once a week, and not due to a lack of me trying. I only initiate dates once a week. But if she texts me in between dates, I use it as an opportunity to set the next date.
Well, as the book talks about, the idea is you start pursuing in the beginning. You call or you text once a week, message her on a messaging app, whatever, and you make one date per week. And then what happens, as her interest goes up, she’ll typically, within a day or two of your last date, text you and say, “Hey, I had a really great time the other night. Last night was so much fun,” or whatever it happens to be. And then, you can just use that as an opportunity to set the next date.
And if she’s texting you two times a week, then at that point you shouldn’t have to be texting her at all. And it doesn’t look like he stopped that because in his mind he’s like, “How do I get her there quicker? How do I get her to like me more?” Again, that’s the wrong mindset, and that’s part of his problem here. He’s trying to rush things along, instead of being patient and going slightly slower than she is.
However, when I ask when she’s free, she always chooses the next weekend, as opposed to mid-week. Even when she’s texting me flirty things during the week, I’ll invite her to just come over, but she can’t because of work or social things.
That just shows that he’s not much of a priority to her. You can tell he’s just dying inside to see this girl more, and she’s not having it. And so, what I would do, if she’s texting you twice a week, I wouldn’t text her at all. If you go out with her and you have a good date, you hang out, you have fun, you hook up, and normally 4 or 5 days later you text her, don’t text her. See what happens. Wait two weeks. More than likely, she’ll reach out to you, and then you set the next date when she does.
You want to get in the place where you’re right there in that transition, where you can just stop movement altogether and wait to hear from her. And it may be a week. A week may go by, and that’s the thing that he’s too scared to do, because he’s too focused on trying to lock her down. And the reason he’s trying to lock her down is, deep down, he’s afraid she’s not going to like him. And because of that fear, look how she’s showing up. She’s not showing up in a way that communicates she’s really that into him, and so he’s trying to force things. And that is the opposite of confidence. A confident guy knows that she’s going to come to him at her pace when she’s ready.
She’s mentioned a few times in conversation that we only see each other once a week. When I asked what she means and if that means she wanted more than that, she said no, she was just stating it as a fact.
The reason that she keeps bringing this up is she can tell he’s hanging on her every word and he’s focused on locking her down. Because most attractive women have been through this dozens and dozens of times with guys. And what she’s trying to do is she’s trying to help you. She’s trying to say, “Slow down. We’re only seeing each other once a week.” She could tell this guy is way more into her than she is into him. He’s trying to force things, and she can feel that. That’s why she’s mentioning, “Hey, we’re only seeing each other once a week.”
And more than likely, he’s probably hinting around like, “Hey, where is this going? Where are we at? Where are you at?” And she’s like, “Hey, we only see each other once a week.” In other words, it’s not a big deal to her, but it’s a really big deal to him, and he makes a big deal out of it when he’s with her. And I know that because of what she just said here. These are the subtle nuances. When you’ve been doing this shit for 20 years, you’re able to zero in and see what’s going on, even though this guy thinks that he’s following what the book teaches. it’s the vibe that he’s giving off and the things he’s doing and saying, and she’s constantly feeling like she has to say, “Slow down. I’m not there yet.” And so, he gets in the way.
It’s like the analogy that I’ve used of trying to bake a cake. He’s the guy opening the oven every couple of minutes, “Is it ready yet? Is she ready to be in a relationship yet?” Obviously, she’s just not there, and he’s still trying to force it. But in his mind, he can’t see that, because he’s driven by his fears of losing her, fear that she’s not going to love him, fear that she’s not going to choose him. And so, he’s constantly trying to force things and move things along faster than she’s ready for, instead of just letting her come to him.
I noticed she’s still on the dating apps.
Again, this is more evidence that she’s not that into it. But again, “How do I lock her down?” She’s on the dating apps, dude. I mean, seriously, she’s not that into you. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but if we look at her actions and bottom line her actions, it shows that she’s keeping her options open because you are communicating and giving off the vibe that you just can’t handle it. You’re getting perturbed, and she can sense it, she can feel it. And, typically, guys like you tend to get angrier and more upset. You get more controlling as time goes on. You get butt-hurt, you get perturbed, you cause fights over it, because she’s not wanting to spend as much time with you as you do her.
It also kind of makes me uncomfortable when she talks about her social life, because she is out with her single friends 3-4x a week drinking until late at night, often around other single guys.
You can tell this guy is just sitting home stewing and waiting on her. And even when she reaches out, he tries to set a date, but her busy social life gets in the way. So, really, all this guy really is is an occasional booty call and she’s kind of keeping him at arm’s length, because he’s basically coming off as needy, and insecure, and a little controlling.
Last time she brought up that some guy aggressively forced a kiss on her in her group…
That’s her way of communicating, “Hey, I’m not that serious about you. Other guys are kissing me.” Even though it was “forced on her,” she probably kissed him back.
…so I know she’s probably often in situations where guys are hitting on her, and maybe she’s hooking up with them too – it’s hard to know.
If I was a betting man, and she’s on the dating apps, and she’s acting single, it’s obvious, in her mind, she’s still single, and she’s not in any place remotely close to wanting to spend more time with you. You’re basically a once a week booty call for her. I know you don’t want to hear it. I know you’re probably telling all your friends and family how special this girl is to you, but you’re just a booty call.
But it honestly bothers me…
It shouldn’t be. Your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. You should be glad that you got a booty call. The problem is you’re not backing off enough. If she’s texting you twice a week, you shouldn’t be calling or texting her at all. But obviously, he’s too scared to do that, because he’s afraid of losing her. Even though it’s obvious that she’s dating and kissing and probably sleeping with other guys, because you haven’t demonstrated enough value to her and enough attractive qualities to her to where she’s considering you as a potential boyfriend.
She’s having fun with you, obviously. The sex must be good, because she keeps hooking up with you, but she’s really not putting in much of an effort, because you’re just still not backing off enough, because you’re trying to force yourself into her life. You’re trying to force things along faster than she’s ready for it, and she can feel it. That’s why it’s not really going anywhere and her interest isn’t really going up very much. And you’re impatient, you’re looking at the time frame, but I’m here pointing out, I can tell that you’re not following the book. Even though you may think you are, you’re not actually following what it teaches.
…if we’re hooking up every time we’re together, and there’s a possibility she’s also hooking up with others two months in.
Again, you’re focused on the time that you’ve been together, but you’re ignoring how she is. You’re just a once a week booty call. And if I were you, I’d be wearing a raincoat with this girl. It sounds like she’s a party girl, she’s having a good time. She’s been clear that she’s not looking to get locked down. You should be dating other women and focusing on your outcome, which is finding a really great girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, and who has enthusiasm for you. Not a woman who you’re, in essence, kind of begging to spend time with you. That’s your whole vibe and your mindset. This is the opposite of what it takes to be successful.
I am dating other girls right now, but none of them have really knocked my socks off like her.
Well, that’s part of the problem. You’ve got her on a pedestal, and she doesn’t deserve to be there. She hasn’t earned that.
I really don’t want to be in a friends with benefits situation for too long, (just personal preference)…
Again, you’re impatient, and you’re focused on locking her down. This is the opposite of the mindset that is taught in my book. So, you shouldn’t be surprised that over two months later you’re basically still spinning your wheels, always fretting over, when are you going to be able to lock her down? When is she going to want to be exclusive? And again, this is all feminine energy. You’re acting like a chick, so it wrecks the sexual polarity, and it’s going to turn her off. She can literally feel this when she’s with you.
…so I’m wondering if her behavior is generally a sign of a lack of interest…
…or what else might be going on.
It’s obvious she’s acting like she’s single, and you’re just one of the dudes that she’s hooking up with.
My plan is to just keep asking her out once a week and seeing other people, but at some point, I’m going to get tired of investing time in someone who is showing no progression for my ultimate desire of being in a relationship / getting married and having a family.
So, you can already tell he’s made up his mind that he’s already considering having a family with this girl, yet he’s ignoring the reality of the fact that he’s a once a week booty call, because he cannot exercise any emotional self-control.
Do you have any advice on how to think about this situation, Coach?
Well, it’d be helpful to use the mindset that’s in the book, which is, “Do I like this girl? Is she good enough for me? Is she a good match? Would she be a good, loyal and faithful girlfriend?” From everything you shared, it looks like she’s a party girl, and you’re just one of the guys that she’s fucking. You’ve got her all up on a pedestal, thinking about when you’re going to get married and have a family with her. And in reality, she’s still on the dating apps, interviewing other guys, and probably dating and sleeping with who knows how many of them. She has not done anything to earn you putting her on a pedestal and considering her for marriage and a family. You don’t know the girl well enough yet. Not even close.
So, you should have the attitude of, if you’re just a once a week booty call, she shouldn’t be a priority. And if she’s texting you once or twice a week like you say, you shouldn’t be texting her or calling her at all. But you’re doing that because you’re trying to move things along quicker. The idea with the book is that you do once a week, and then once the woman starts calling and texting you in between dates, then you can slowly back off to where you’re not doing any calling or texting or initiating.
And then what happens is, once you finally get to the point where you have the balls to do this, you’ll notice 3 or 4 weeks from that point, when you haven’t initiated any contact, she’ll be contacting you 3 or 4 times a week. And then, when you ask her to come over in the middle of the week, even if she has plans with her friends to go out to the club, or whatever, she’s going to blow her friends off and come over and hang out with you, and have a bottle of wine, and have sex, Netflix and chill, or whatever, and spend the night.
But it’s not progressing to that point, because you’re so needy, and neurotic, and overpursuing her, and giving off the vibe that you want a relationship, and you want to lock her down to a commitment. And this girl is just saying, “slow your roll,” so stop pursuing her. That’s what I would do. You’ve done enough to get her to the point, even though it took you two months, at least she’s now finally initiating contact. Because, again, you’ve got this chick on a pedestal, and you’re treating her like a celebrity, so she’s treating you like a fan – or in this case, a once a week booty call, a once a week friends with benefits. You should be okay with that. Why buy the milk when you can get it for free?
You should be entertaining any and all offers, looking for the best woman that you can find, because it’s obvious that’s what she is doing with men. It’s a simple case, but again, this guy’s mindset and his fears are what’s driving him to continue pursuing, even though now, she’s reaching out to him once or twice a week. Because his pursuit should be over by now. If he actually knew the book, he would have understood that. But, again, this is another guy that hasn’t read it the 10 to 15 times that I explained to him he needs to do and why he needs to do it. And yet, he’s still spinning his wheels and he’s still not really progressing really far.
You cannot cherry pick things from the book and the videos without really getting to know it backwards and forwards, to the point where you could teach a class on it, and expect to have sustainable success. You’ll get some attainable success, which he has been, but it’s not progressing to the next level, because again, his mindset is wrong. He’s pursuing too much. He’s focused on locking her down. He’s basically acting like the chick in the relationship and is begging her for attention and validation. And that is just simply unattractive to women in general.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur