How to know if you should burn the bridge, wait it out or ghost a woman who you are stuck in friend zone with.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has read 3% Man 16 times so far. He spent a year and a half stuck in friend zone with a woman he obviously wanted to date. When he tried to convert her to a romantic prospect, she only offered friendship. He declined and told her to get in touch if she changed her mind.
She got in touch and has made dates but broken all of them, yet she still contacts him with random questions 4 months later, but still no romance. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is what happens. I did this when I was young, in my teenage years and early twenties. You wasted an incredible amount of your time. Attraction’s not a choice. And even if there was attraction in the beginning, when you spend that much time with somebody and you just don’t go for it, they recognize that you just don’t have the confidence, and then they just see you as a platonic friend.
A lot of guys get into the platonic friendship type of zone thinking, “I’ll convert her later. She’ll see what a great guy I am, then she’ll really like me.” But if she wasn’t even attracted to you, if you didn’t pass her minimum standards of attraction that I talk about in 3% Man, it doesn’t matter. It’s totally irrelevant. You’re just going to waste a lot of time, energy, effort, and money if you’re spending money on her. This is a good email of what not to do.
I am a loyal fan who has read your book 16 times now and in the middle of another round. I think I need to read it at least once a month, as I always seem to slip up.
Well, the way you get better is through successful repetitions. If you just read the book 16 times, but you don’t go out on any dates, and you don’t talk to any women or try to get any numbers, you’re not going to get any better. Your skills aren’t changing. Repetition is the mother of skill, after all.
Anyway, my question is regarding if there is ever a time to potentially burn a bridge. A girl in my neighborhood I was in what was a platonic friendship with for a good half year…
I mean, just the phrasing of that, to him, it’s like a “relationship.” It was a friendship. So, more than likely, he became a friend thinking, “Well, eventually when she gets to know me, then she’ll want to start sleeping with me.”
…where we would talk nearly daily, and go for walks, hang out at each other’s places, etc., but there was no romance. I decided to ask her out. She asked if it was as friends, I said no and I was interested in more. She said she was not in a place to be dating.
That may be true, but more than likely she’s just saying, “I’m just not in a place to be dating you.” It’s harsh, but you’ve got to bottom line the actions, because the actions tell you everything.
I took that as low interest and told her to get in touch with me if she changed her mind. She tried to change my mind, but I held firm. After a couple weeks of no contact, she reached out to me and asked if I would like to go out for a drink.
So, if we’ve been studying “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” if you spend a year and a half with somebody every day, they know what you’re like. And she’s tried to friendzone you. So, you don’t go for coffee, you don’t go to lunch. You don’t meet her out, you don’t go to her place. If she wants another chance with you, then she’s got to earn it. And that’s why you make a date in the evening at your place to make dinner together. Because when you’re making dinner in the evening at your place, sex and romance is on the table.
That’s why women that are trying to jerk you around, that get you to agree to friendzone, will not agree to come to your house to make dinner. They’ll try to get you to meet them out. And that’s why you politely decline and you just give the excuse that, “Eh, it’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner, then give me a call in a couple of weeks, and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then.” She’s got to earn another chance with you is the way you need to look at it.
And that’s why the furthest distance that you’re going to be willing to travel to see her is the distance that it takes to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in when she comes over. Simple as that. If she doesn’t want to come over and make dinner, you’re not interested. This forces women that are trying to jerk you around or trying to, in a roundabout way, get you to agree to something platonic, in essence, it makes them shit or get off the pot.
And so, that’s why women that aren’t seriously interested in romance and haven’t changed their mind won’t agree to come over and make dinner together. But this guy didn’t do that, even though he claims he’s read the book 16 times.
I said sure and made a definite date.
So, again, he’s doing the opposite of what “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” says. He’s doing everything on her terms. Once again, he’s giving all of his power and his leverage away. Because, basically, he’s a dancing seal. He’s willing to jump up, jump through his butt, jump through hoops. Whatever she wants, he’ll drop what he’s doing to be at her beck and call.
The night of, she cancelled claiming her sister came into town unexpectedly.
“Unexpectedly!” The media uses that word, unexpectedly. “The economy unexpectedly contracted.” “Russia unexpectedly invaded Ukraine.”
She did not offer to reschedule.
That’s not a good sign.
I responded simply with, “okay.” A couple weeks later she again reached out to go for a drink and I made another definite date.
Again, doing the opposite of what “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” says.
Again, the night of, she cancelled claiming she had a rough day at work and had to run errands for her parents.
“Aw shucks! I was really looking forward to going out and having a drink with you, but gosh darn it, I had a rough day at work. I have to run errands for my parents.” Does that sound like somebody that’s excited to see you? No, that’s somebody that’s like, “Eh, I’m not really into this.”
I said okay, and she said sorry, (yes, I am sure she was real sorry).
She was really sorry, buddy. Sure.
That was 4 months ago. Since then, I have heard from her every week or two, but all she does is ask me a question such as if I know any good back exercises.
You could have said, “Well, I know the indoor Olympics. Come on over, and I’ll be happy to demonstrate with you.”
I will answer with one message and she replies “thanks” and to have a good day.
Well, you’ve already asked her out twice and she’s broken both dates. At this point, and four months since the last time she brought it up, she’s just stirring the pot. She likes the attention and validation that you gave her, and that’s what she really wants. It’s not that she wants your sexy body. She wants your attention and validation so she can feel better about herself.
She set the date, she knows you want to go out with her, but she doesn’t really want to go out with you, so she cancels it at the last minute for some made up bullshit reason. And she’s really sorry about that. She’s so sorry that four months have gone by, and all she’s done is waste more of your time and give you blue balls. So, every time he hears that, he’s like, “I’ve got a chance. This is it! Oh, she just wants to know about back exercises. Damn!”
My question is it seems apparent to me her interest must be low, or we would have went out by now.
Yes. You’ve got to bottom line the actions. It doesn’t matter what she says. You told her what you wanted. She even brought up going out on two different dates, which she cancelled at the last minute, wasting more of your time, because she didn’t care. It doesn’t matter what comes out of her mouth. She says she’s sorry. If she was sorry, she would have made it up to you with a quickness. But now, it’s been four months, so you have to be honest and say, “She doesn’t give a shit.”
And when you don’t talk to her anymore, the only thing she’s going to miss is the attention, the validation. And I know it stings and it sucks, but you did it to yourself, dude. You spent a year and a half trying to fly under the radar and be her friend, when you really wanted to bump uglies with her.
But I also recall you saying to never ignore someone, and that they will just go away if you stop asking them to go out and they don’t ask you out.
Well, in this case, because it’s been four months and she hasn’t brought anything up, what would you do? Let’s get to that.
Well, months have went by and she hasn’t went away but isn’t asking to do anything either. Do I just ghost her?
I like that option. Why not? A year and a half – well, actually, I guess it’s a year and ten months now if you add in the four months – that it’s just gone nowhere. So, you gave her enough time. You know what she’s like, she knows what you’re like. If she’s not excited about spending time with you romantically, it doesn’t matter. Her actions tell you that she doesn’t give a shit. So, yeah, I would absolutely ghost her at this point. I just wouldn’t even reply.
Think about it from this perspective; if you met somebody else and she was all over you like white on rice, and she’s coming over, tearing your clothes off, “I miss you. I can’t wait to see you,” and then you’ve got this chick texting you, you’re going to look at that and go, “Delete.” Maybe even delete and block. It’s like, don’t waste my time, bitch. Not that you’re going to say that, but I’m just saying, look at her actions.
She doesn’t care. It’d be nice if she did, but we’ve seen no evidence of that. She knows where you live. If you ghost her and you ignore her, she might show up, she might send you a long text, but you’re never going to leave your house. She’s got to come over to make dinner together. It’s got to be her idea. She’s got to bring it up. But like I said, I would just ghost and ignore her. Don’t reply to any of these bullshit texts. It’s a waste of your time, so don’t give her the attention and validation that she’s looking for when she’s a little lonely.
I was considering reiterating to only get in touch with me if she wants to pursue something romantically, but considering the low interest displayed, I’m not sure she is even worth giving that message to. Any help is appreciated.
Yeah, that would have been something to do the second or third time. She just reached out and asked you stupid things but didn’t bring up getting together. But what you really should have done is, when she canceled those two dates in a row at the last minute, wasting your time and disrespecting your time because she didn’t value it – and, quite frankly, you don’t value it either, because that’s why you let her waste it – you should have stopped responding to her, months ago. And who knows, maybe she would show up like, “Oh, I’ve had a change of heart. I didn’t think my feelings would go anywhere other than platonic for you, but I really feel something now.” That could have happened. It probably wouldn’t have, but it’s possible.
So, I would just ghost her. She’s wasting your time. If she really has a change of heart, she knows where you live. She’ll come find you. She’ll make more of an effort. And what she’s doing now is making no effort. So, now that you’ve wasted almost two years of your life, you’ve read this book all this time, you need to practice what’s in this book on other women, so you can get better, because you’re not getting any practice with this girl. And plus, you’re not even doing what I teach anyway. You’re doing the opposite of it. So, there’s that.
But the good news is “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations – Volume II” is out, so it’s available on Audible, iTunes, Amazon, paperback, hardcover, Kindle, digital, iBook, the whole nine yards. It’s available everywhere. Your support is appreciated.
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