Why men who are too soft and afraid of upsetting their women give up too much power, causing women to lose attraction and respect.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who just started following my work about 2 months ago. His girlfriend of 3 years is very needy and needs constant attention and validation. She gets mad if he doesn’t constantly text her, reassuring her of his interest and love. The real problem is he is too scared of upsetting her that he has become a pleaser.
After 3 years together, what she is probably really missing is a feeling of deep intimacy and connection. As he has backed off in his texting, she gets upset, and he continues to cater to her neurotic behavior because he has trained her to be this way. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular guy is new to my work. He’s only been following me for about two months, and he’s been with his girlfriend of three years. And when people come to me, it’s not because things are going great in their life or relationship. Obviously, something is not going well. And so part of what he’s talking about, he thinks he’s got a unique case here. Part of his problem is he’s become a pleaser in these last three years, and he’s trained his girlfriend to believe that he’s always available. And if he doesn’t drop what he’s doing, whether he’s at work or he’s away from her, and text her messages reassuring her, she gets mad, butt-hurt and upset.
And I see this a lot, even with married friends of mine, and especially when they’ve been together decades, it’s like, their whole world revolves around, “I don’t want to piss my wife off” or “I don’t want to upset my girlfriend.” And that’s kind of what this guy’s mindset is. And so, he wants to be focused on his mission and purpose. You can tell he doesn’t really want to be doing these things, but when he backs off and he starts applying what’s in my book, he’s getting a lot of pushback, because he’s trained her to be this way.
And it’s not just with this, it’s with other things. He’s like a lot of guys are, “Hey, I’m walking on eggshells. I don’t want to upset my girlfriend” or “I don’t want to upset my wife. I don’t want her getting mad at me. Then, the whole week is going to be ruined.” And part of it is, you have to be more masculine than your girl, and she’s got to respect your time. And if you’re in meetings and you’re busy during the day, if you’ve taught her properly what your schedule is like, as a man, this would drive me absolutely bonkers, being in a relationship with a girl that behaves this way.
And it’s like, if he doesn’t text her ‘good morning’ every morning, she gets upset and takes it as he doesn’t care for her. But after three years of being together, what’s kind of telling is, if you’ve been together that long, you should probably be living together. And even if you’re not living together, you should be at her place every night or she should be at yours. And if you’re sending good morning texts, and after three years, you’re barely seeing each other one time or two times a week after three years together, that tells me there is a lack of intimacy and connection. And that’s probably what’s really upsetting her. And so, if she doesn’t see them very much as it is, and then he’s not texting her every day to reassure her he cares – because she already feels like there’s not a deep connection there – he’s doing this to keep her from getting upset at him.
I have been following your work for about 2 months now. I have read your book, 3% Man, 3 times so far, going to 4 soon. So, in your book, you mentioned that we should do 20-30% of chasing in a relationship.
Well, in the book, it actually says no more than 20% to 30% of the pursuing. Women like you more if they have to do more of it. And the fact that they’re getting upset that you’re not doing enough communicates that they care. But as a man, especially a busy professional, like for me, when I was in the construction industry, when I was in real estate, and even now, I’ve got appointments that I have to keep. I’ve got schedules that I’ve got to keep. And I personally don’t have time to constantly reassure a needy and secure girlfriend.
What I’m used to is women that have a healthy self esteem. I may hear from them throughout the day, a text or two here and there. And then at night, we’re getting together, because she’s usually working, I’m usually working, or we have something that we’re doing. I’ve done long distance as well. But even then, I don’t have time to just drop what I’m doing in the middle of the afternoon and do a 3-hour Skype call because she wants to connect.
You know, if you’re long distance from somebody, maybe you’re traveling for business, or whatever, then one Skype video date per week is sufficient. But in this case, we’re assuming that they live in the city together. But for whatever reason, after three years together, it doesn’t sound like they’re seeing each other very much. Because if you’ve got a deep intimacy and deep connection after three years of being together, you’re almost going to be living together anyway. You’re either at her house, or she’s at yours. And so, all of this distance should not be happening.
And then, part of the problem is, when a guy starts dating a girl and he he starts texting her constantly throughout the day, what always happens – and women complain about this, and even in some of the books that are written by women – one of the big complaints that women have about guys is that they’re romantic at first. In other words, they put in the effort to date and court them properly. But then after they get into a relationship for a while, the guys just stop doing all of those things. They stop dating and courting them.
Kind of like the newsletter that I did yesterday with a guy that planned his first date, probably did several things, followed what was in the book. And then he hooked up with her, and then every other date after that, it was just like, “Hey, come over to my house.” And so, he makes her feel like he really cares about her on the first date and seduces her successfully. And each time they get together, like the second date, they go to dinner and then he’s like, “Let’s go back to my place.” She’s like, “Well, let’s hang out and have another drink.”
Because the formula is hang out, have fun, and hook up. And part of the having fun is the connecting – getting her to talk, getting her to open up. And these are things you want to do in person. But having a girl that you’ve been with for three years and if you don’t send a good morning text to her, she flips out, I would be having a conversation with her. Just say, “Look, I like it to be sporadic, and for me to text you good morning every morning and then you get upset, I feel like a robot. There’s nothing natural about it. I like having time and space away from you to focus on other things, to really start to miss you.”
“And then I can text you when I’m really deeply missing you and wanting to talk to you, not feeling like I’ve got to be a robot or it’s an obligation. It’s just like, if I started buying you a dozen roses and sending them to you, the first couple of days, you’d be like, ‘Oh, it’s really sweet.’ But by day number 30, if you’re getting a dozen roses every day, then you’re like, ‘I’ve got roses everywhere. I’ve been giving them away because I got so many.'” Scarcity creates value, and an overabundance of anything causes people to not appreciate it and take take it for granted.
And so I use the analogy, I had a guy I was in business with for a period of time, and he had a very needy, insecure, neurotic wife who constantly called and texted him throughout the day. And we’re talking like every hour, hour and a half, or whatever, because this guy had cheated on her multiple times. And so, he’s working at the office with us, and we’ve got a bunch of pretty younger women that we work with. And quite frankly, she wasn’t very attractive.
And so, I remember being in a meeting one time, and then the phone just starts ringing. He sends it to voicemail. She calls again, he sends it to voicemail. And like the third or fourth time, he’s like, “Are you okay? Is this an emergency?” and she’s like, “Oh, no. I just wanted to call and see how you were, what you were doing.” And so, she would just keep calling him, and calling him, and calling him, until the middle of the meeting, we’ve got 20 people in a meeting, and he stops what he’s doing, the meeting that he’s running, to deal with his neurotic wife.
And obviously he cheated on her, but the way he made up for that was to always be available, so she could trust him. And that’s why I’m pointing out that, in the beginning, there really seems to be a lack of intimacy after three years together and they’re barely seeing each other. Unless they’re long distance, or they’re in a different city, or whatever, it just gets tiring.
It’s not fun to have to be a robot and go, “Every day, when I get up at 8:00, I better text you.” It’s like, I want to do it to surprise you. And vice versa, I want you to surprise me. And I don’t want to be getting grief. And so, when a woman is giving you grief about these things, you’re like, “Look, you’ve got to be nice to me, easygoing, easy to get along with. If you want to talk more or text more, you can pick up the phone and call me or text me, but I’ve got meetings, I got things to do. But if this guy’s been available 24/7, it’s a nightmare at this point to try to back off, because she’s going to interpret that as, he doesn’t care about her anymore.
The issue I have is that my girlfriend wants me to text or reach out in some form every day.
Because again, if you’re seeing each other every night, you’re either her house or your house, you just left and saw one another. What about her? Does she not have to make any effort? I mean, she needs to make a mutual effort too. And so, if he’s doing most of the texting throughout the day, he should be backing off and saying, “I want to see you make the effort. It needs to be mutual. And, quite frankly, I’ve got meetings and other things to do. And I don’t want to talk to you constantly throughout the day. I love you, but it’s the point now where I’m not texting you because I want to hear from you ,or I want to tell you that I care, or whatever. I’m doing it so you don’t get upset, and that’s not fun.”
“You know, love is giving. And I want to be able to give to you because it’s a gift from my heart, not because I feel I’m obligated, and then you get mad or pissed off at me and take it as a personal rejection. It’s like, if I got a meeting or something to do, I want to be able to go do that without feeling like, ‘Oh, hold on, let me call my girlfriend.’ “Oh, hold on, let me call my wife and reassure her that I still care, even though I talked to her 2 hours ago.”’
You’ve got to have a heart to heart with her and just tell her, “This is not fun.” This causes you to not enjoy being around her or talking to her, because it’s like you can’t give to her in the way you want. You’re giving to her in a way that you’re just hoping not to piss her off. Which, that’s just no way for a man to live.
I tried following your book of not over-pursuing and allowing her to come to me, but if I don’t send a good morning text or I don’t contact her anytime during the day, she gets really upset and mentions that I don’t care about her.
Well, it should be sporadic and fun, but also you need to call her out on it and tell her she should be reaching out to you too. It’s not a one way street, where you’ve got to reach out to her constantly, every day, and she doesn’t have to do anything. And besides, unless she’s got something really important to say, you’ll see her that night.
I noticed that the more I reach out, the happier she seems to become…
You don’t want to be a cold fish, but if you’re having to constantly reach out every single day or she gets butt-hurt, there’s something unbalanced there. She should also be reaching out to you if it’s that important. But like I said, say, “Honey, I’m moving up the corporate ladder, I’ve got meetings. I don’t have time to constantly text you throughout the day. I want it to be a gift from the heart when I have time to do it, and not you getting upset at me. You have to be okay with not hearing from me for a few hours. We’ve been together for three years, and you to act like I don’t care about you.”
But again, it tells me, maybe you’re not really spending a lot of time together. And if you’re having to send her a good morning text, that tells me you’re obviously not waking up together, if you’re sending her good morning texts every time.
…and the more she reaches out. Which completely rejects what you teach. I have to mention that she has always complained about this in the past 3 years we have been together.
So, you’ve got a needy, neurotic, insecure girlfriend, and that’s another conversation you probably need to have with her. You’ve got to say, “Look, you’re very needy, you’re very neurotic, you’re very insecure, and I don’t like you constantly getting pissed off at me because I didn’t text you enough, or I didn’t call you enough, or I didn’t do this, I didn’t do that. If you feel we need to talk, then pick up the phone and call me. Don’t pick up the phone and call me or text me or tell me that you’re pissed off that I didn’t do something.”
“You’re imposing unreasonable expectations on me, and when I reach out to you, it has to be a gift from the heart. Not because I’m trying to soothe your wounds from childhood or make up for the lack of hugs or love that you didn’t get from your parents. It’s like, sometimes it kind of drives me nuts. I’ve got things to do, I have a rough and difficult day, and I come home, and now you’re pissed off, ‘Oh, you didn’t text me today. Oh, you don’t care.'”
It’s like, “Hey, baby, did you have a difficult day? You know, I didn’t hear from you. I was a little worried about you. Tell me what happened.” That’s the kind of thing a woman should say. She should be trying to make your dick hard, not your life hard. And a woman who is behaving this way is making your life hard. And you’re enabling the behavior by not setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.
I’m naturally not a person who chases very often because I am always focused on my goals. This is a unique situation, and I want to hear your perspective on this.
Well, that’s because you trained her to be this way? You taught her to, in essence, be emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive, because she’s complaining about it. Because, really, it’s like these phone calls and the success of texting is soothing and salving her ego, because this is not a recent thing. This is constant, since day one, that she gets pissed off about it.
And obviously, if you’re emailing me this, you’re not happy about the situation. Probably because again, you feel like you’re always worried about upsetting her and soothing her ego, and she needs to deal with that on her own. Maybe she should go see a therapist. But she can’t come completely unglued because you don’t text her. Maybe something came up, but having to send somebody a good morning text every morning, especially after three years, I wouldn’t want to deal with that. I don’t deal with that. To me, texting is just simply making the appointment to get together.
Should I keep doing what I always have been doing, which is texting her good morning every day? Or should I follow what you teach?
Well, I think you should have a heart to heart conversation with her because sending her good morning every day, probably what the real issue is, is a lack of intimacy. If you’re having to text her good morning every day, that tells me you’re not waking up next to her. So, unless you’re in the military, you’re deployed, or you’re a traveling salesperson, you’re always away, or your long distance, maybe you live in different cities, somebody’s going to have to move at some point.
I mean, do you want to spend the rest of your life living in different cities, dealing with this? I wouldn’t. But what the real issue is, it seems like there’s a lack of connection and intimacy between the two of you, and she’s needy and neurotic on top of that. You need to understand how her behavior makes you feel, how it’s unnatural. I wouldn’t want to be having to text somebody every single morning as soon as I get up. Sometimes I want to relax. Like, this morning, I filmed my video later. I decided to get up and have a pot of tea and kind of change up my morning routine a little bit. And I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t want to text with with anybody.
I mean, the reality is, we all know, you’ve got social media apps, you’ve got your Instagram app, you’ve got family on Facebook. There’s constantly messages that people are sending me. And I love everybody, but I’m not going to sit on the phone and text and and instant messenger with people all day long. It gets on my nerves, and people that know me and are involved in my life know that if we’re texting, it’s for a purpose. I don’t have time to text somebody because they’re insecure, they’re needy, they’re neurotic, they need constant reassurance that I love them, even though I might have just talked to them or seen them a couple of hours ago.
But like I said, something is off with this issue. Because he didn’t show up here because things are great in his relationship. He’s not happy. He’s starting to implement some of the things and he’s getting pushback, but as he says, this has always been this way with her. So, he’s enabled this behavior of a neurotic, insecure girlfriend. And that’s the kind of thing that, as a man, after enough time with somebody like this, you’re not going to feel successful. You’re going to feel like, no matter what I do, she’s not happy. No matter what I do, she’s upset.
And as guys, what typically happens over time is we just tend to withdraw and give up, because no matter what you do, she’ll still be butthurt about it. And if somebody is constantly getting on you about things, you got to tell them, “You’ve got to be nice to me. You got to be easygoing, easy to get along with, not try to impose your will on every part of my life, and make unreasonable demands on my time, and expect me to text you or be available 24/7 so you feel good about yourself.” It’s just like, “I’ve got other friends, I’ve got family. I have people to see. I’ve got clients I’ve got to see. I’ve got meetings I’ve got to have. I don’t want to constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells going, ‘Oh, my girlfriend got pissed off because I didn’t text her first thing in the morning.'” It’s llike, “thanks, but no thanks.”
You’ve got to have a conversation with this girl and create some healthy boundaries, and let her understand how her behavior makes you feel and why you don’t want to continue doing these things. Because, obviously, you messaged me about it, and it doesn’t feel natural. Once or twice here and there is great. But for three years, every single day, if I don’t send a text, good morning, you’re getting butt-hurt? Absolutely not. You trained her to be that way, and you need to train her to be a different way.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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