What you should do and what it means if someone you are exclusively dating fools around, kisses or hooks up with someone else when you are not around, or when they are on a trip away from you, and says it didn’t mean anything.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email update from a viewer whose email I discussed in my recent video coaching newsletter titled, “True Love Is Freedom.” The thing that makes this situation hard and difficult for him to make the right decision is because they have known each other since they were eleven years old and are now currently twenty-two and in college. In his first email they had broken up since he became jealous and insecure of other guys who were hitting on her while she was away for several months on a ski trip. She ended up hooking up with one of the guys who was hitting on her after they broke up. Once she got back to town, they resolved things and got back together.
In his email update, she recently went away on a trip and kissed another guy, but said it did not mean anything. Now he wonders if he should continue dating her or ditch her for good, since she obviously does not value loyalty or her commitments. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I sent you an email a month ago about my girlfriend going returning Canada to ski, after already having done a season which broke us up. You gave me great advice on loving in a way that makes a person feel free, which I have followed. Here’s the latest development…
My girlfriend wanted to go to an inter-university sport competition, which is run over a weeklong period and has the reputation for being like schoolies, as we have in Australia, or like spring break in America. Essentially, everyone goes to get drunk and hook up. I told her I did not feel comfortable as an entire week of clubbing and partying around drunk guys is not something someone in a relationship should really do, (Yeah, why isn’t she inviting you to go with her? She doesn’t behave like somebody who thinks the relationship is important), and I knew guys would be hitting on her all time, as she is very attractive, but if she really wants to go I will support her. (At the end of the day, if she’s going to cheat, there’s nothing you can do about it.) The entire week I supported her, didn’t blow up her phone and only replied with positive messages when she called or texted. She told me of all the guys that were hitting on her, and I acted indifferent and did not get jealous or clingy, as per your advice. (All you can do is trust her and hope that she honors her commitment.) However, she admitted to me on the last night she hooked up with another guy — not sex, just a hook up. She was even sober at the time. (If her faculties were not impaired, she knew what she was doing wasn’t right.) She said she was sorry, (She wasn’t sorry. She was just saying what she needed to say to get what she wanted), and it didn’t mean anything, but now I feel like I cannot trust her. (You can’t trust her. She’s not trustworthy. Loyalty and commitment mean nothing to her. She’s good for an open relationship, but she’s not girlfriend material.)
We had decided that we would split when she went back to Canada, but wanted to remain exclusive until she left so that the distance from each other and different social circles would make it easier. (She wants you to be exclusive, but she obviously has zero intention of honoring that.) However, she violated that agreement, and now I don’t know what to do, as we have an overseas holiday we planned before she left, and now I don’t know if I should be going with her anymore. (She’s not going to be loyal if you’re interested in keeping her around as a girlfriend. People who tend to act this way tend to be narcissistic, insecure, selfish and have no empathy for other people, so they really don’t give a fuck about your feelings. Saying sorry is just a platitude, because they just want you to keep doing what they want.) It’s obvious to me now that we have to break up when she goes back to Canada, (You don’t really have a committed relationship. Even though you’re being faithful to her, she’s not being faithful to you), because if she can’t go a week without hooking up with another guy, she will never go 5 months. If she truly wanted to be in a relationship with me, I could forgive a kiss, (You should never forgive that. It’s indicative of her integrity, and she has zero), but she has made it clear that she wants to be single when she goes overseas again, and then wants to get back together with we me later in life, possibly for marriage. (Absolutely not. Marriage is out of the question with this woman unless you’re going to have an open marriage. People can become a better version of themselves, but they don’t change who they are. If she’s cheating now, she will still cheat if the opportunity arises in the future. That’s just the way she is, and it’s not your job to fix her.) Remember from my last email, we had been together for 5 years since grade 11, and she is at a stage where she feels she needs to experience life outside of our relationship and recommence it at a point in time where she is more ready for marriage. (Loyalty and commitments don’t mean anything to her, and she has destroyed the trust you had for her. You’d be foolish and delusional to think otherwise.)
Do I break things off now and say, “You clearly do not respect my wishes or this relationship,” and cancel the holiday, or do I forgive the kiss, she was very sorry, stick to the original plan, and split up when she goes back to Canada? (Dude, you’re not together. You may be honoring your side of the bargain, but she’s not. Your girlfriend is incapable of being faithful. You should proceed with her with that in mind. If she’s ever unhappy in your relationship, she will feel no remorse for screwing around.)
Thanks Coach. You’re a lifesaver.
“Sometimes in life, you just need to let people go and remove them from your inner circle once you realize your goals and values are not aligned, or when they consistently prove that they are incapable of acting with integrity and respect in how they treat you. A true test of the quality of your relationships is how people honor their commitments to you when you are not around. It is foolish to expect people who lack integrity will change and become honorable, just because you want them to or because they say they will. When you bottom line a person’s actions towards you and make your decisions based upon them exclusively, you will never again be shocked or surprised when they do not live up to your expectations or their commitments. Honorable people consistently do the right thing when no one is paying attention. Dishonest people only do the right thing when it’s convenient for them.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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