How to avoid getting stuck in the middle of a relationship that’s going nowhere, and how to know when it’s time to move on.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose ex-girlfriend of two years moved away, and he has been trying to get her back ever since. They are hooking up again, but he is kind of stuck in the middle and feels like he is an option and not a priority for her. The second email is from a guy who recently broke up with his first real girlfriend of three years after realizing he did not want to marry her. He says a fellow Marine originally turned him on to my book, and what he learned enabled him to get and keep her. He details what led him to decide to end his relationship, instead of getting married.
The two emails contrast with one guy hoping a particular woman will make him happy, and the other one having the confidence to face the unknown, become single and trust that someone better suited to him will come into his life down the road. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s email:
I would like to start by thanking you for helping me through your book and YouTube videos. I’ve grown as a man. I’m not quite an alpha, but am well on my way.
(The goal is to try to get a little better each and every day. That’s all you can really do. It’s all you have control over. You either get up and take action, or you get up and make excuses. Every day, you have a clean slate.)
I am a police officer in New Zealand. My ex and I were together for 2 years before she moved away, because her dad moved for work.
(If she’s head over heels crazy in love with you, she’s not going to leave her man. Her dad moving may have been an excuse. Maybe you guys could have lived together, but the reality is, when it comes to women, they vote with their feet. If they’re with you, guess who they voted for.)
Long story short, I was weak, I hated the distance and I couldn’t stand not talking. Eventually, she said she wanted a break, and I gave her the space she wanted.
(It sounds like you became needy and tried to force things. Why would you do that? Because obviously you were afraid you were going to lose her and you’d never find anybody as good as her. That’s the worst approach you can take.
The right mindset is, “I’d love it if you’d stay, but I’ll understand if you go. I don’t really want to do long-distance, so we should probably see other people, but if you want to continue seeing each other, that would be great.” You’ve got to love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
If you’re feeling needy, you have that urge to control and try to force things, you call them too much and text them too much, you’re literally going to drive them away, because they’re going to feel like they’re losing their freedom. Plus, as a man you’re going to look like a weak bitch, and you’re going to get blown off. That’s reality.)
On two occasions, she came down to where I live.
(As I discuss in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” if you’re the one who gets dumped, in other words, if the other person unilaterally decides, “I don’t want to be with you anymore,” you have to look at it from the perspective, they need to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. They need to come to you for the first three dates in a row. And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three dates in a row, it shows they’re flexible and willing to try and make amends for the fact they did something stupid. Then after the third time, you can meet them out and pick them up.
In this particular case, you pursued too much to the point she wanted space. Therefore, you give her all the space she wants, and that distance is going to be closed by her reaching out to you. Then you set dates when that happens.)
She came to a party of mine the first time, and she ended up in my room without any influence. She went there on her own. We’ve had sex plenty of times. We’ve talked about just having fun and seeing where things lead,
(Well, you have to be congruent with that statement. You can’t just say it because you saw it “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” but deep down you’re really tripping out of your skin because you want to force things. If you’re still trying to force things, it doesn’t sound like you’re really coming from the mindset of you’re a catch and she has to earn you back. It sounds like you’re begging, groveling and pleading for her to spend time with you),
but I can’t help but feel I’m an option and not a priority.
(She has to earn you back, therefore you’re entertaining multiple offers. In other words, you want to see what’s out there as well. She’s the one who said she needed space, so give her all the space she wants. She doesn’t live in your city anymore as well, so she’s a less attractive prospect than she was before, especially if you meet somebody who’s in your city.)
I’ve told her friendship is not an option for me. Is there any way you could help me get her back, because I do love her.
(That’s part of the problem. You’re focused on getting her back, instead of “What is she going to do to earn me back?” It’s a complete night and day difference. That’s where you’re at dude. She needs to earn another chance with you.
Instead of inviting her over for parties and group things, you’re trying to re-establish intimacy and a connection. If she reaches out, assume she wants to see you, and invite her to come hang out and spend the weekend with you. Then you can hang out, have fun and hook up while she’s in town.
Your pursuit of her is over forever. She has to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from this point forward. Then you just simply wait to hear from her, and make dates when you do hear from her.
In the meantime, you’re a free agent dude. You should be out there seeing what else is out there. Entertain multiple offers, and don’t be in such a rush to re-commit your life to this one particular woman, because she treated you like a second class citizen. Therefore, she shouldn’t be a priority in your life either. She has to earn that place. She doesn’t automatically get it.
I can tell from the email that you’ve already made up your mind about this girl. In reality, you should go back to what I talk about in the book, which is kind of being skeptical. You’re a little unsure of her, you want to take your time and see how it goes. It’s got to be the woman’s idea for the relationship to happen.
Your job as a man is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. have fun and hook up. It’s a very simple formula. If you over-complicate it, you’re going to fuck up dude, so do what’s right.)
Thanks heaps. Forever In debt to you sir.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I never thought I’d send you an email like this, because I feel like this is more of a review or even a testimonial rather than a question.
(Everybody that watches or reads this gets to learn from your experiences applying the book.)
For some context, I am a 23-year old United States Marine, and I just broke up with my long-term girlfriend of nearly 3 years.
(Thank you for your service. Semper Fi Marine.)
Before all that, I was pretty much next to useless when it came to anything with women. Long story short, I screwed up big time with a girl that totally knocked my socks off. A good buddy who was also a Marine and also just went through a similar nasty experience told me I really needed to read your book. I took my chances and bought the book and never looked back. I’ve read the “bible” 10 and a half times now, with a goal of a minimum 15 read-throughs.
(Three years? Come on man. You’ve got to step up your game dude.)
I was and still am completely committed to learning the book down to the page fibers. Every time I screwed up with my girlfriend, I went back and would carefully re-read the book, and would have 2 different highlighter colors with me whenever doing so.
(That’s somebody that’s dedicated to learning this shit. My goal is that the information I teach becomes so commonplace, so common sense, so widely known that when you say these things people say, “Yeah, of course. Everybody knows that.” That would mean I accomplished my mission.)
One color would be for info I felt was extremely important or was something that was a major turning point in my understanding of women. The second color would be used for when I actively screwed up a fundamental or a concept I was struggling with currently in my relationship with my girlfriend.
(That’s awesome dude. That’s dedication to fucking detail. Nice job.)
I had to glue a couple pages of the book back in, because I carry this thing with me everywhere. In my unit, I’m always known as the Jarhead with a book in his hands. Your teachings even get me multiple comments of, “You’re only how old? You act some much older then you are.”
(I heard that a lot when I was older. Now people just don’t believe me when I tell them my age.)
I can vividly remember first seeing my now ex-girlfriend. She was absolutely stunning in her black dress and black suede high heels. I was taken aback, because we had met online, and most of her photos didn’t show her smiling. That was the first thing I ever said to her was teasing her on that fact and asking if she knew how to smile.
(That was pretty good dude. Good way to break the ice. Treat her like a bratty little sister.)
I believe I asked her to prove that she could on a date with me, with a specific time and place at the end.
Our first date was great, she touched me multiple times, was laughing nonstop and she even offered to pay at the end of the date! As I walked her back to her car, she gave me a hug and I said, “No honey, give me a kiss,” and we kissed right there in the parking lot. I even got a “I was wondering when you were going to text me again” the following week when I kept my distance and didn’t break down and text her nonstop.
(Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. The fact she was wondering about that means that she liked you.)
Our relationship was effortless, she helped me become a better person both in a caring and a loving sense. She helped me build my inner peace. Though I want to be clear, the breakup was pretty nasty, as most break ups are.
(Not all of them my friend. If you date a normal girl who has her head together, she’s going to get upset, but she’s not going to key your car, toilet paper your house, light a bunch of trash on fire in your front yard or something crazy like that.)
Basically, she straight up said “I never want to see or hear from you again,” which absolutely stings, because just a week ago we were each other’s everything.
(Obviously, she was pretty hurt.)
I just couldn’t bring myself to marry her coach, I wasn’t ready.
(That’s awesome dude. That’s your fucking truth. Good for you.)
The hardest part of the book is, “just because you absolutely love and treasure someone doesn’t mean you’ll spend the rest of your life with them.”
(That is in idea from religion, society and your friends, family or peer group. You should do what makes you happy. Like Steve McQueen said, “I live for myself and I answer to nobody.” It means you’ve got to live for yourself first, find someone who is also living their truth, and together you can share your completeness. It doesn’t mean you’re going to be together forever, but it means you can enjoy each other for however long it lasts.)
However, up to this point, I had only ever kissed a woman twice and was a helpless virgin. As sad as I am for the way things turned out, I’m absolutely thrilled and happy for her, because now she can find someone who’ll love and treasure her the way she deserves, and for myself having removed the massive weight that was sitting on my shoulders for so long.
(Good for you dude. You missed out on all the shit I had to go through.)
There’s so much more I could share with you coach, but this email is long enough as is. All I can say is, thank you Corey. It’s not often you get to witness someone want to change the world and actually do it. For that, I am grateful.
If you want to, put this in a newsletter on your YouTube channel. Keep on being fucking awesome Coach!
(Since you were the one who decided to end the relationship, maybe you’d be cool with being friends with her down the road. It’s totally up to you, but the point is, you have the choice to decide how you want to live your life, and that’s the only thing that really matters.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Contemplating what you could create and the kind of person you can attract in the future, if you knew you could not fail, is the right mindset to have when you are not satisfied with your life the way it is. The average person tends to focus on what they will lose or what probably won’t work out when contemplating going from where they are to where they want to be. This usually causes them to play it safe and be averse to taking any risks to stretch beyond their current comfort zone and circumstances. Exceptional people are simply not willing to settle in any area of their lives that they want to improve. Anything you attempt is not without risks, but isn’t it much more exciting and compelling to take measured risks to reach your full potential, instead of being ordinary and having a life full of regrets?” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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