Subtle Nuances Between Letting Her Come To You & Pursuing

Understanding the subtle nuances between letting her come to you & pursuing.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who found my work after things went sideways with a girl he was seeing. He says he came off as needy and she went cold. Then she started coming back, but he didn’t set any dates after she had canceled two dates in a row for BS reasons.

I explain when to pursue and when to let women come to him at their pace. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer who found my work after things went sideways. Probably I would say like 70%, 80% of the people that first come to me, they were dating a girl and things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden things go sideways and she doesn’t want to see anymore. She says things that don’t really make sense and it doesn’t help you understand why things change. So he says that when she started backing off, he became needy and she went cold. Then she started coming back, but he didn’t set any more dates because she, I guess, had cancelled two dates in a row for BS reasons, obviously because her interest was low.

It’s like, as I go through his email, pretty much every dude that’s watching this is like, “Oh yeah, I’ve had that stuff happen before.” So this is something we’re all familiar with, but usually when you ask a woman why or what’s changed, they can’t give you a straight answer or they give you an answer that just doesn’t make any sense, because women don’t want to hurt your feelings. They don’t want to tell you the truth that you basically turned them off and dried them up and they’re no longer interested.

It’s a good email to go over when to pursue and when to let women come to you at your own pace.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

First off, thank you for your work. It’s helping me think better about how relationships should be, but I did have some questions about some nuances that I have heard you talk about before on your videos, and yes I know, read the book.

This is why I say read it 10 to 15 times, but he came to me in the middle, or I should say, kind of after the crisis had already happened, trying to figure out what happened and potentially get another chance to turn things around.

I am listening to the book every day on Audible and also listening to your videos, but I did have a question about whether to reach out to her after about 2-3 weeks of not hearing from her. I’ve heard you talk about this before, but I can’t find the concept/answer on how I should handle this scenario.

So one of the reasons why I say read the book 10 to 15 times, because each time you go through it, you’re going to retain maybe 7% to 9% of what you read. So just going through it once or a couple of times or listening to the audio-book like background noise while you’re doing other things is not really being fully focused on it. The best way is to get the audio-book, listen to it on two-speed while you follow along in a digital or a physical copy.

Obviously, if you’re new here, the book is free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter, put your first name your email address, create a password and it’ll open up right in your web browser totally for free. So if you got the audio-book, you can follow along in the digital version that’s on the website. If you also get the Kindle that goes with the Audible, then there is the Whispersync feature. The words get highlighted as they’re being spoken, so it really forces you to look at the words while they’re being said, and you’re hearing them versus working out, driving in your car, or doing things around the house where you’re kind of in and out of paying attention to what’s going on.

Half the time you’re distracted, so you want to be able to focus so you can get the stuff in your brain with as little bit of time as possible. Again, we just listen to the audio-book and you’re doing a bunch of other things, you’re not really paying attention to it. You’re checked out most of the time, so it’s just not the most efficient way to learn it, especially when you’re in a crisis like this guy is trying to turn things around.

In short, we hooked up constantly during August for about three weeks…

Notice that three-week number. So I’ve discussed this with the girls many, many times in the podcasts and the live streams when they’ve been single, same thing. Guys are good right out of the gate and they’re really into them. They’re really hopeful and excited about the new guy. Then usually about two, three weeks in is where the guy just totally comes apart and they get turned off.

So for whatever reason, that just seems to be a common theme between the girls I have in my podcast and dudes that write in, it’s just the average guy gets about two to three weeks in the beginning, and then they pursue too much. They act needy, especially when the woman pulls back a little bit because most guys don’t know how to handle that. They tend to freak out and think there’s something wrong and they got to fix it. They call too much, they text too much, they come off as needy and clingy, which just pushes her away more.

…Before she pulled back hard, and me being baffled did all the wrong things, pursued a little, acted needy, etc. But I did catch myself and backed off hard as well. In September, she would randomly text me things she was doing like where she was going, and I would just kind of say, “Have fun.” It wasn’t until I found your work close to October and finally realized that her reaching out to me was a sign for me to make a date.

So what happens is a guy comes on too strong, he smothers her. She’s like noncommittal, not really excited, enthusiastic about getting together like she had been. So he just backs off and then waits to hear from her. Then when she does reach back out, usually she’s not going to say, “Hey, I miss you. I want to see you. I’m thinking about you. We haven’t been together in a while.” She won’t say anything like that. She’ll send you a meme or she’ll say, “Hey, how are you?” Things like that. The girl’s favorite line is “Heyyy.”

If she’s reaching out like the book teaches, just assume she wants to see you and make the next date. That’s usually why that’s about as far as most women will go, is to create an interaction with you so you can advance the ball across the finish line so you don’t wait for her to ask you out in most cases. There are cases where you don’t ask her out, even though when she’s reaching out, that’s discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and in the book and obviously we’ll discuss it as we get further down. Right now where he’s at in the story is he backed off. Then she started coming forward again. That’s the cue to make the date, but obviously he wasn’t familiar with my work yet, so he didn’t do that apparently.

So she was reaching out for a bit and he wasn’t doing anything. Just his inaction actually was attractive. So that probably worked to his favor, at least at that moment in time, because she recognized, “He’s not trying to see me anymore. Why is that?” Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

And so I did, and she was happy to come see me at my place. I hadn’t been through the whole book at this point and expected this to be just how it was in August when we were fucking like rabbits, which was a mistake. Well, I had basically picked her up like she used to love and threw her in my bed, and she stopped me of course after 30 seconds of kissing. My mistake, should of taken it slow but I was used to how it was in August…

So this is a difference. In August, she’s open to you. You can just touch her anywhere you want basically, when she’s fully open to you and things are hot and heavy and you’re not going to get rejected, but when she’s gone cold and she’s backed away, what’s the formula? Hang out, make a date, which she did. She came over. Have fun while you’re hanging out. Talk, get her to open up, let her do 70%, 80%, 90% of the talking. Then when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, she’s playing with her hair, she’s touching your arm, she’s bumping into you. Maybe after a few hours of being together, maybe it’s a half hour, you just go based upon how she’s showing up, but he just was like, “Oh hey, dessert’s here! Let’s go to the bedroom,” and obviously that was a mistake because it’s out of sequence because she hadn’t warmed up enough.

…(I know now that her feelings had changed and I was going too fast for her. Also, she was on her period but that never stopped us before).

Well, the important thing is the legs are closed. She’s not as attracted and open to you as she was. That’s why hang out, have fun and hook up. Get her to open up. Get her to talk. Again, she’ll start showing signs of physical attraction and often initiate touching or just lightly bumping into you or standing too close. That’s her signal to say, “Hey, touching is OK It’s welcomed,” and then you slowly reciprocate and escalate from there. So he recognized he was doing things out of sequence a little too fast.

I think I recovered the date after we ate and went for a walk. Toward the end of the walk she started to grab my hand and kiss me on the neck. And then at my house I wasn’t needy when she announced she was going to leave (She did have to go to work) and she came up to me and started giving me little pecks on the neck, but I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere that day. I joked with her to save some room for the other girls in a joking manner and an inside joke. She responded kind of flirty and said they could have this one spot on my neck.

“Well, if you insist, sweetheart.”

As I saw her out the door and she was about eight feet away on the path, she turned around and looked at me in the eyes while biting her finger and then quickly turned around to go to her car. 

I would have said, “You don’t look like you really want to leave. You look like you want to do some naughty things. I already got my red wings, babe. You should come back in.”

A week later, I sent a voice memo to make a dinner date on the Monday which she said “I’d love to.” Unfortunately, I had to reschedule for lunch instead…

We don’t do lunches. Romantic dates. If you schedule a lunch in a little middle of the day, she’ll usually make plans to do something after lunch.

…Because we both forgot it was Thanksgiving (Dinner with family), but then she canceled that on me to hang out with her friend (I know, never make a lunch date).

Well, the reason why she canceled is her interest was low. “Oh, I want to hang out with my friend instead of you.” So what that tells you is her interest is higher in hanging out with her friend than hanging out with you. So that’s not a good sign. She cancels a date and she doesn’t mention a reschedule, then that is pretty rude. That shows her interest is low. So if that happens and she doesn’t mention a reschedule, I wouldn’t bring up getting together ever again unless she brings it up first.

She did try to reschedule with me for lunch in the middle of the week, to which she canceled again because she had to drive her friend to the bus station to go back to university.

Her friend could have easily gotten a fucking Uber. That’s just bullshit. It just shows again, low interest, low effort.

It was late when she texted me this and I read it early when I got up and replied with, “All good, but you need to give me a better heads-up next time though. Let me know when your schedule frees up.” She said, ” I know. I’m just so scatterbrained lately.” 

That’s a BS excuse. So at that point, she’s cancelled two dates in a row, and the second one she didn’t mention a reschedule. So at this point, you’re never, ever going to ask her out again as long as you live, unless she says, “I want to see you. I want to come by. We haven’t gotten together in a long time. When are we going to go out?” In other words, unless she brings up getting together, you’ll never bring it up again. For as long as you live.

So at this point, if she texts you, you’ll send two or three text replies back and forth and just say, “Hey, great to hear from you. I gotta run,” or “Hey, I got to step into a meeting. Talk to you later,” or “Hey, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later,” or something like that. “Hey, it’s been great hearing your voice. Keep in touch.” Things like that.

If she calls you. Same thing. Talk two or three minutes. She FaceTimes you, talk for a few minutes, “Hey, I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later,” and one of two things will happen: She’ll either bring up getting together, and then you make a date, or she’ll just stop reaching out, but at this point, his pursuit should stop because the canceled dates, especially canceling two dates in a row, and then not mentioning a reschedule, especially when she’s like, “I got to take my friend to the bus. Oh, shucks. Darn it, I won’t be able to see you.” Well, it’s like you’re just going to go drop your friend off. It’s like, why does that have to take all day, all evening? It just shows she doesn’t care to see him because her interest is super low. The damage has been pretty done at this point.

Anyways, long story, but here is the good part. That day I wound up out and about doing some errands for my business, just returning some things and getting ready for the next day, when all of a sudden I’m turning through an intersection, windows down and everything and as I round the corner I hear my name get shout out loud by two females. Well it was this girl I was talking about and her friend in her car, and I as I looked in the mirror she is basically out the window waving at me. So I gave a few honks, then she calls me on the phone and she’s wondering what I’m doing and where I’m going. I didn’t have a witty reply ready unfortunately, I just said I was heading back to my place, but that was the last interaction I had with her and all I said at the end was, “Alright well, have fun.”

Yeah. So you did the right thing. I wouldn’t reach out. I wouldn’t do anything.

Since then, I haven’t heard anything from her and it’s been three weeks. I did hear through her brother whom comes and works for me from time to time (But doesn’t know about us) that her car had broken down I guess shortly after all these events transpired. 

The important thing is, we take a step back and we bottom line her actions. Her interest is she may be hooking up with somebody else at this point, but the two cancelled dates make it a little bit more sense. The big scheme of things, because it’s been three weeks and he hasn’t heard a peep, there may be another guy in the picture at this point because again, they were really only hooking up for two or three weeks, he screwed it up by over-pursuing and acting needy, as he said, and now she’s distant. He hasn’t heard anything in three weeks, so maybe she’s probably hooking up with Chad Thundercock. So we just assume it’s over and there’s a good chance you may never, ever hear from her again as long as you live.

Again, if she does text you or she does reach out, you’re not going to invite her out. The only way you’ll invite her over to make dinner at your place is if she brings up not having seen you in a while, and then you just follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Don’t meet her out. Don’t go pick her up. Don’t agree to lunches. None of that shit. If she wants to see you, she can come to your house to make dinner in the evening. If she doesn’t want to do that, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, “Hey, it’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over, make dinner, give me a call in a couple of weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then,” but obviously you’re never going to go meet her out.

My real question is, given all this and not hearing from her at all, should I contact her…

Absolutely not.

…And ask her when she would be free to join me for dinner…

No. Absolutely not.

…Or just wait it the fuck out until she contacts me? 

Bob

You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back because again, she wasted your time two times in a row when you had lunches set up. So what it really looks like is that she just met somebody else and is probably hooking up with them, and you won’t hear from her unless that goes sideways. So chalk it up to experience. Keep reading the book, keep applying it, go get some other ladies for your rotation so you can get some experience, and then if she does reach out in a few months, or maybe in a few weeks, you’ve got more experience, you got more reads with the book, your game is tighter and you won’t get jerked around and make all the same mistakes you did initially.

Every guy does this. We’ve all been through it. Again, a lot of guys, that’s why they’re here, is because they had the same experience as you. Things are great for about two or three weeks, and then they went sideways, they don’t know why, and what the woman said was the reason why didn’t make any sense. So that’s what’s going on. She lost interest. She lost her respect and now it looks like she’s onto another guy. So you should be on to another girl.

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