In this video-coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a beautiful woman who has a bad habit of talking guys right out of liking her and getting involved with guys who are not ready, willing, able and open to dating. She often ignores reality and projects her dating fantasy onto the guys she meets and dates by ignoring the fact they are not the kind of guys she is looking for. She admits she focuses too much on getting into a relationship, and this causes the guys she meets to feel like they are losing their freedom, then they run like hell from her.
It’s a great email that shows how, like men, some women who have everything going for them unconsciously sabotage their own success and keep themselves out of the kinds of relationships they really want and deserve. Men and women are both guilty of this, and it’s a great example to learn from. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
I’m a successful woman, 30 years old, like sports, full of friends and I love my life, but I have always struggled to get into relationships. So more videos about how a woman should handle herself would be really appreciated.
(You should definitely read my book. Even though I wrote it for guys, you can understand it from the woman’s perspective how guys show up, how men turn women on, and how they turn them off, because you’re doing a lot of the same things these guys in my book are doing. It would help you balance out your essence.
Women can over-pursue as well, and you have to be able to notice when you’re spending too much time or you’re becoming emotionally invested, and they’re not reciprocating it. Remember, scarcity creates value. Give them some space and time. Let them reach out. Let them miss you a little bit. Then they’ll start to appreciate you more.)I started following your work after I over pursued this guy I liked and totally turned him off. After that, I started applying the things you teach and my dating life has really improved, but I would love to hear from you how a woman should handle herself and what are the things that can turn off men.
(Again, a good place to start would be to read the book and not try to cherry pick information from the videos.)
So here is my most recent story. I started dating this guy from my Crossfit gym. I let him do all the pursuing and calling, and soon enough he was really into me.
(As I teach in my book, it’s the man’s job to start the courtship, to start pursuing in the beginning. I teach to only reach out once a week and make one date per week. As a woman’s emotions and feelings of attraction become engaged and start to grow, then she’s going to want to reach out or text more. And the guy should use that as an opportunity to set the next date.
Feminine energy is about bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love. Guys need to feel like they’re free. Any time we feel like we’re losing our freedom, we’re going to fucking haul ass. If you’re a woman, you need to be cognisant of that.)
He would come see me every day after work, and we would hang out, he would accompany me to the doctor, even bring me a jacket to the gym, so I would not be cold. We would work out together and spend the night or go to dinner or for a beer every day.
(It sounds like you spent a lot of time together, and that’s okay, but if one or both of the people is a little out of balance, trying a little too hard, they might all of a sudden go cold.)At first, I tried to slow things down, but things were going really well, I ended up getting caught up in the moment, and in a matter of weeks, we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Things where flowing naturally and everything was ridiculously fun, easy and we were having a blast. We even joked about marriage sometimes and being together. I kept things fun and playful at all times, and he would love that. Everything seemed light, and very soon he started meeting some of my friends and family. This happened in a matter of weeks. I knew it was too soon, but he was confident he wanted to be together.
(You kind of knew it was a little soon to be throwing all of that at him, but you did it anyway.)
One night, we had gone out so he would meet my brother, and he just simply got in a weird mood and asked to go home and sleep alone.
(I did a video a few weeks ago called “Time Alone In Your Man-Cave.” Sometimes us guys are like that. We need to go fuck around and tinker in the garage, or go to our favorite watering hole. We’ve got to sit and contemplate the mysteries of life. We’re not like women, where we want to sit down and talk things out and have five different conversations about five different subjects, all at the same time. We like to be alone with our problems, we work out a solution in our head, and once we figure out what that solution is, we figure it out.
A good phrase for you to say to him when he wants to go home and be alone is, “Do you need time in your man cave?” Then tell him to give you a call when he wants to see you again. Tell him to take all the time he needs, and just let it be.)
I felt maybe he needed space, so I made no big deal. From that day on, everything went downhill. He told me he was scared and not sure of what he wanted.
(That sounds like a little, insecure girl to be honest with you. A guy that comes from a good family, who has a healthy self-esteem is not going to say things like that.)
He said he was not ready for a relationship,
(Even though you were girlfriend and boyfriend at this point),
and also that he had a lot of things to figure out in order to be in a healthy relationship,
(Right there he’s telling you he’s fucked up and can’t have a healthy relationship. Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” He just basically told you he was a fruit loop. You can’t gloss over that. It’s not your fault that he’s this way),
that he felt he could not give me what I wanted, though I didn’t push anything, and that he had a lot of issues in his mind to solve.
I was in shock; this was literally the day after he met my family.
(Obviously, things are moving pretty quick, but again, if he was playing with a full deck, this wouldn’t be happening. This is a major red flag. It’s like you were test-driving a car and the wheels just fell off. Your attitude should be that you want to buy a different model.
For the most part, it sounds like you handled yourself pretty well, even though things moved a little quickly. But that’s okay. If you have two healthy people in the same place, it’s okay to move quick. But if the other person slows down, you slow down. You kind of match and mirror their investment in it, and you won’t cause them to feel like they’re losing their freedom by interacting with you. Remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”)
And he had been all over me until that day. At first, I reacted being kind of mad, and I stopped all communication with him and also did he. He shut down, and the few times we spoke, it was awkward and he was evasive.
(It sounds like, instead of giving him his space like you should have done, you didn’t back off, and you were like, “Where are we?”)
After a week, I felt I had communicated poorly with him, so I reached out to him,
(You’re still pursuing),
and told him there was no problem to slow things down, and regardless, I wanted to work things out with him that I would respect any decision he would make. He said he was confused, didn’t know what he wanted and needed time and space. Of course I replied, okay no problem, and let him know I was open to hearing from him, and we haven’t been in touch since.
(At this point, you should employ what I teach in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You just let it go. It’s not your job to be his therapist and fix him. It’s not worth your time.)
Just some insight, he is my age and hadn’t been in a relationship in 8 years, only had been with 2 women before me, and only once with one of those two.
(More red flags there.)
He told me this when we started hanging out, because he had been in a religious family and also studied to be a preacher for 3 years.
(Sometimes strict religion can be really toxic. It’s not your fault he’s this way.)
He is 30, but I kind of saw this as a red flag.
(You noticed it, but you kept going.)
I just don’t understand how he being a man had not tried to have sex with more women, or how he could deal being without sex so many years, even after his years of religion had ended.
(There are a lot of red flags here and you’re going, “I think I can fix it.” It’s not your job. You want a happy, whole complete person whose got their shit together, and he just said, “Hey, I’m all over the ice.” You can’t have an effortless relationship with somebody like this. They’ve got to go figure their shit out.)
When we had sex, we had a lot of problems since he would have a lot of trouble to perform and would tell me this had a lot to do with his religious background,
(Do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy whose a lousy lay? It happens. Some people are not comfortable with their bodies or they’ve got religious beliefs, and they suck in bed. Move on. Trust me),
and subconsciously feeling guilty for pre conceived ideas and of course family issues not solved with his parents. I was willing to work through it, because I really thought he was worth it.(No, not worth it. You’re too good for him. This dude’s got a whole truckload of problems.)
I guess he has many issues to solve, but I was willing to walk by his side, until he walked away all of a sudden leaving me in total shock.
(You shouldn’t be in shock, because quite frankly, this is predictable. Don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. This guy was fucked up before he met you, and he’s going to be fucked up for a long time, unless he figures his shit out.)
Of course I’m going to back away completely and not pursue anything and will follow the principles if he gets in contact again, and will continue circulating. Regardless, I’m mad at the situation,
(It’s a learning experience. What’s good about this? What can I learn from this? How can I use this? How can I be better the next time around? In other words, the next time a guy shows you all these kinds of red flags, you should go, “Check please!” Don’t think you can fix him. Don’t fall in love with a dude’s potential. Find a guy whose got his shit together, whose ready, willing, able and open),
and feel like he just kicked us to the trash.
(He would have done that no matter who it was eventually. It’s all about him. It’s not your fault he’s like this.)
He was not willing to speak to me on the phone when I contacted him,
(Because he’s a pussy. He’s a floppy-cock beta male, and he’s a terrible lay. I don’t see how this adds value to your life by having this guy in your life. You want a teammate, a partner, not a fucking child),
said he couldn’t handle it now and was only willing to talk by text. I’m confused of how a person can be open, communicative, fun and very joyful, and all of a sudden shut down and leave. Why should I let someone in again that does this to me?
(You shouldn’t. Next time when those red flags pop up, you’ll say, “I had somebody like you once. Not again.” Life brings you these situations so you can grow and become stronger, because you need to become stronger for the next dude that comes along.)
I’m still very much into him, but very disappointed in the situation.
(It’s not worth it.)
In order to maintain no contact, do you think I should work out in another gym?
(Absolutely not. Go flirt with other guys at the gym. If you see him, say hey and go talk to some other dude or talk to one of your girlfriends. It’s not your fucking problem.)
Or if I see him at the gym, it might be better to act natural?
(Of course, as if nothing ever happened.)
I always act playfully with everyone.
(Don’t ever stop doing that. That’s beautiful. Us guys, we love women that are like that. Have a good attitude, and good sense of humor, shit doesn’t get under your skin. Don’t stop being that way.)
I don’t know if I should walk away and leave all my friends at the gym that I love, in order to never come across him, or continue with my life working out and hanging out with the same friends from my gym, even if they connect me to him.
(Absolutely not. Why should you modify your life because he’s a bitch? The best thing you can do is talk to the other male possibilities at the gym.)
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Thanks for all the info. You are definitely right!
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Love is freedom. Self-love is loving your time alone, your life, your friends, your family, your life’s work and your lifestyle, without needing the approval or presence of others to “complete” you. People who feel like they don’t measure up will often try to compensate by forcing themselves into the lives of others. Human beings naturally flee from those who make them feel like they are losing their freedom. When you know and believe that you are awesome and worthy, you will give others the space and time to mutually choose you also. Without remorse, you will let go of those who do not treat you right or who don’t reciprocate interest. By giving others the freedom to choose you or someone else, you create the perfect conditions for the right person to show up and willingly stay in your life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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