Telling Women About Your Flaws & Shortcomings Is Unattractive

Why telling women about your flaws & shortcomings is unattractive & what to do instead.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer who is on his 3rd read of 3% Man. He ran into a girl he blew off after 1 date 7 years ago at a music festival a few months back. They started hanging out and going on dates and then he started talking about his attachment issues, shortcomings, flaws and faults as if she were his priest instead of a potential lover. He continued apologizing and calling attention to his issues. She now takes weeks to respond and has basically ghosted him. He asks where he went wrong. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Telling Women About Your Flaws & Shortcomings Is Unattractive.”

In other words, if it’s not positive, if it doesn’t make you look more attractive, more masculine, more sure of yourself, more calm, more well put together, demonstrating your emotional self-control. Keep it to yourself. Well, this particular emailer, he’s new to my work, so we can’t really break his balls too much. But he is now on his third read of 3% Man. And what’s interesting is he ran into a girl, I guess he met her about seven years ago on a dating app.

They were making out heavily. She was really into him and invited him back to her place. But he claims that she was a little too easy and he passed and never spoke to her again. And then fast forward seven years later, he’s at a music festival a few months ago, and he runs into this girl. And he starts hanging out with her, and it’s just a completely different experience.

He starts to act dopey, he cares too much. And then he’s probably seen too many movies where you get all your flaws and your baggage out and tell a woman all your problems and all the things that are wrong with you, and get it out in the open so you can build a relationship on solid ground. So he goes and does this and starts talking about his attachment styles.

He’s got communication issues and he proceeds to completely turn her off. And now when he messages her it takes her weeks to reply. He’s like, “Where did I go wrong?” So this is a good email to learn from of what not to do. I mean, these things are detailed in The Book, but I assume this situation happened before he came across My Book. But for those of you that are new, it’s good.

And those of you who’ve been following me for a while, it’s a good refresher. Because what do you see in the movies and TV all the time? Guys always talking about their flaws, their faults. They treat women like they’re priests. It’s like she doesn’t want to be your priest or your Mommy. She wants to be your lover, potentially.

But if you start telling her that you got all kinds of problems and all the reasons why she shouldn’t like you, you’re going to talk her out of liking you. And if that happens, she’ll friend zone you, and she may allow you to come over and unclog her toilet from time to time or rotate the tires in her car. But you’re not going to get anywhere near the Puswa. So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m a recent student of your work. I’m on my third read of your book after discovering your work about two months ago. I had this situation with a girl I went on a date with about 7 years ago who I met online. We went on one date and she showed extremely high levels of interest.

We kissed a lot and she tried to get me back to hers. To be honest she came on a little strong and I have a habit of losing interest in women I’ve met through the apps. It ruins the romance for me, what can I say.

Okay, whatever stud muffin.

Fast forward to this summer a few months ago, I bumped into this girl again at a music festival and she revealed to me that she had written a poem about me from that night. I’m a poet myself.

Oh, how convenient.

And needless to say, she harpooned me in the chest with her poem.

In other words, he thought, “Oh, this girl likes me. Let me act all dopey and jump through my butt to please her and fall all over myself and fall apart because she is my Kryptonite. Because I can’t handle being with a beautiful woman.” The idea is you’re supposed to be more masculine than she is.

We spent the night together although we didn’t hook up, we both seemed to be showing very high levels of attraction for each other. After that reunion at the festival her communication was patchy.

In other words, “I completely turned her off, communicated I didn’t know what I was doing, and it was probably she realized it was a good thing we hadn’t spoken in seven years.” So she came away from that second meeting less interested. So he probably was reaching out to her.

She would ignore him, leave him hanging, wait a day or two or whatever, maybe a week or two, and then get back to him because her interest was low. She had a completely different opinion. He got dopey, he fell apart, and now she got to see what he was really like.

We started texting initially but she lives about a two hour drive from me.

Remember, the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody.

And immediately after the festival she went to another country for a few weeks and I didn’t hear from her for ten days. I’ve learnt from reading your books since that I may have been a little too eager and showed too much interest.

Yeah, I’d say more than likely he got dopey, started caring too much. Because when he first met her, he says he blew her off. At least that’s what he claims. But the second time around, the poem just did it for him and he couldn’t handle it. He decided this was the one. I mean, he doesn’t say that, but he might as well have because he behaves like somebody that’s seen too many Disney movies.

We did meet up for her birthday and although I wasn’t exactly the fun-loving guy I can be.

So in other words, he was so overwhelmed with his feelings and his emotions he couldn’t handle it. So he became emotionally hijacked. And something that’s really good for people that become emotionally hijacked is to go to Orlando and go get worked on by Doctor Dominick D’Anna for about two weeks. You can go to BeSimplyWell.com tell him you’re one of my viewers. And I would highly recommend you go see him for two weeks.

Get worked on Monday, Wednesday and Friday twice a day, once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and then obviously once on Saturday mornings as well. And over the course of two weeks, that will really help you loosen up. It’ll get you out of the fight or flight response, which this guy is clearly stuck in because he’s in a constant state of fear. So his reality filter, he’s emotionally hijacked.

So he already always presupposes the worst is going to happen and he acts from there. So his emotion, his nervous system is just totally emotionally hijacked. So it’s going to be hard for him. Or at the very least, you should go to my YouTube Channel Coach Corey Wayne, and scroll to the bottom or the Playlist that has all The Consciousness Exercises with Doctor D’Anna and Gracie.

There’s Stages 1 through 12. And clear some space in front of your TV at home and do all 12 of those Consciousness Exercises. I would recommend at least three times a week to go through all 12 stages. That will really help you. If you can’t afford to go see Dominick, at least do The Consciousness Exercises. For those of you that are emotionally hijacked, full of fear.

And plus, if you’re going to go out for the evening with the boys, it’s great, especially stage four for helping you take your power back, and just feel more confident. So that will really help you out. In addition to obviously reading The Book, and cleaning up your unattractive behavior. Because this guy basically did most things wrong the second time, or his second chance with this girl.

I wasn’t exactly the fun-loving guy I can be because I was trying to keep my feelings in check around her and overcompensating we did have a good time.

At least he assumes that she had a good time.

But her communication became patchy and distant again.

So they spent time together. He did and said more things that turned her off, and her interest. That’s why her communication became patchy.

She did eventually come up the next weekend but we never slept together and I felt myself falling foul of my strong feelings for her. 

So in other words, he became even more dopey. He probably didn’t understand. “Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.” Didn’t understand “Seduction.” And you know, as I was reading this email earlier this morning when I was looking through the emails to just decide to pick one to do for this video newsletter, it reminded me of a time when I was 21, maybe 22. I was tending bar and somehow I ran into this girl that I had gone to school with, and we were friends and she had a boyfriend and she was always gushing about her boyfriend.

But unbeknownst to me, I think it was like a year or two later, I ran into another friend. She was like, “Oh my God, she was so in love with you.” I was like, “Really?” I was like, “She had a boyfriend the whole time.” I just, I had no idea. And so I remember we went out on a few dates and she really liked me, but I didn’t know what the hell I was doing back then. Even had her back at my place and her contacts were a little messed up. I think I helped her unfold one of her contacts, but she was like, right there.

If I could go back in time and talk to myself, I would have been like, Dude, just kiss her, kiss her and hang out, have fun and hook up. I mean, she was ready to go. But afterwards, after that moment, she became kind of distant and a little squirrely and hard to pin down for a date, and it was clear that I had talked her out of liking me as much as it stung. I was like, this girl was totally into me. And then when I started to become into her, it’s like, “pfft” the image that she had of me just totally “poof” it evaporated.

Needless to say, I never, ever saw or spoke to her again after that. She ended up getting serious with some guy that she was working with, and she said she was going to give that a run. And then she tried to friend zone me. I was like, yeah, I’m not looking for friendship. She got a little upset with that. And then we never spoke again. I have no idea what happened to her. That was 30 something, 35 years ago, I think. Yeah, 30. It was like 90, yeah, about 32 years ago. I guess. 32, 33. It’s a long time ago. Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. But hey, you gotta learn.

At the end of the last time we spent together I told her that I have an anxious attachment style and that I was finding it difficult to communicate with her.

So saying something like that to a girl, the number one strength characteristic that women love in men is confidence. And when you start going, “Oh, I got anxious attachment style. I’m finding it difficult to communicate with you.” She already knows you’re acting weird and awkward, and now you’re going, “I’m messed up.” She doesn’t want to be your Mommy. She doesn’t want to hold your hand. Just like the girl from high school.

She was definitely more experienced than I was at that time, and she quickly realized I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. And she’s like, “I don’t want to teach this dude how to be a man.” And so that’s basically what happened with her. She didn’t want to teach you how to be a man. She’s probably like, “He doesn’t have a clue.” And she got upset. She was turned off and she was like, “Adios, Chico.”

She seemed to be understanding of what I was saying but then went cold on me again.

I’m sure she was understanding, but that’s not something that makes you look attractive. It doesn’t make you look confident. It makes you look like you’re messed up. And so you basically said, “I can’t handle interacting with you because I’m so overwhelmed. It freaks me out.” And that’s just not a good thing to say to a girl if you’re trying to attract her.

It then transpired that her father passed away the next day.

Well that sucks.

I went to the funeral and although we kissed goodbye in front of her friends and were somewhat close at the funeral, again I felt myself being awkward and not my fun self around her.

So he has a hard time just being normal around her, because he clearly hasn’t spent that much time around women and gotten comfortable. Again, The Consciousness Exercises would really help you out, Dude. And to practice what’s in The Book.

Communication with her since has been very patchy. I’ve sent her condolences and tried to check in on her, but she takes weeks to respond if at all.

So that tells me he’s probably double and triple texting her and she’s just completely ignoring him. And at this point, you’d never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. You got to recognize that your game was, like, nonexistent. It sucked. It was kind of like if anyone watched football this weekend, some of the offenses and some of the NFL teams was anemic. They didn’t get anywhere. They had no offense.

Which is totally understandable but leaves me with little left to do but walk away.

Yeah, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you got to wait for her to hit it back. You don’t just keep sending messages when somebody’s ignoring you. It just makes you look needy and desperate. And you already told her that you got attachment issues and that you’re messed up. Again, these are not things that a woman wants to hear.

She may be nice and sympathetic, but it doesn’t make you look attractive. It makes you look unattractive. Keep it to yourself. Keep it to you and your therapist and your beer drinking buddies. Don’t ever fucking talk like that to a girl that you want to sleep with. It’s going to turn her off.

I had to take the tough decision to remove her from my social media as I was beginning to stress about seeing if she saw my stories and whether or not I should respond to her.

Well, just if she saw your stories, it doesn’t matter. Then, you know, she’s still paying attention.

I have a bad history of limerence and obsessing about women and was starting a new job this week and could not afford to have those old ghosts coming back.

That’s why it’s helpful to have other women that you’re talking to, because until you really get this stuff, until you have experience with multiple women, seeing what’s in The Book, showing up in your life, it’s just a mental concept. And on top of that, you’re clearly emotionally hijacked. So what happens when you like a girl, you fear losing her and you don’t know what to do. You jump through your butt, you’re not relaxed. Masculinity is calm after all, and she could tell you’re just not relaxed.

And besides that, every time you get around her, you end up apologizing and telling her how unworthy you are and how unworthy you feel. You’ve got to be more confident than she is. You got to be more masculine than she is. And all this stuff that you’re sharing with her, you know, it’s cute in a Disney movie, but when you do that to a woman in real life, you could be her friend. You can rotate the tires on her car, or change your battery, or mow her lawn, but not her actual lawn. Her lawn in her front yard. Trim her hedges. But you’ll never get to know whether or not the carpet matches the drapes.

I sent her one final heartfelt.

So again, he just continued sending messages.

And lighthearted message saying I could.

So he thought, “Hey, I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?” From The Beck Song “Hey, I’m a loser baby.”

I sent her one final heartfelt and lighthearted message saying I couldn’t handle being friends on social media without closure on our little connection.

Again, masculinity is calm and you’re like, “I can’t handle it. Ahhh. Mommy.”

I joked about the impact her poem had on me and how I would have one prepared for her if we ever crossed paths again.

It’s like, bro, this is just terrible.

I’m hoping you can give me some post-mortem reflections on where I went wrong.

Well, if you’ve been through The Book three times already, it should be pretty obvious, but definitely it’s some good roast worthy material. And there’s going to come a point in time where you’ll laugh at yourself, just like I did when I think back to, when I had that girl back at my place. She’s in my bedroom.

She was definitely down to hook up, but I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. My game was terrible and I was nervous, and I was scared and I was afraid. I didn’t want to get rejected. And she’s just right there. My face is like this far from her. It’s like, Bro. But hey, you live and learn.

And what I could have handled better in this situation to help me learn for the next girl?

Thanks Coach

Well, like I said, the biggest thing is that you turned her into your Mommy and your therapist, and you thought it was a good idea to vomit your feelings all over her and tell her how you just couldn’t handle being around her. You basically acted weird when you were with her, and you told her the reason why you acted weird is because you were weird and you’re messed up and you can’t handle it. “Oh, I had to remove myself on social media because I just can’t handle seeing you like that.” Women like confidence.

You’re communicating the opposite of confidence. You’re saying, “I have zero confidence.” And you’re supposed to be more masculine than she is. That’s just it’s not going to work when you do that. It’s just a bad way to go, my man. But you chalk it up to learning experience. The good news is you’re on your third read of 3% Man, and I hope the dots are starting to connect, because I’m sure this is not the first girl that this has happened with. But you need some more reps.

You need to get back on the dating apps. You need to get back out there and start talking to the ladies. If you had 3 or 4 other women you were talking to, you wouldn’t care so much about this one you hadn’t seen in seven years. Because at the end of the day, you blew her off seven years ago, and now you couldn’t handle it. Like in my case in high school, I seem to have confidence and swagger because I wasn’t interested in this girl. I was interested in somebody else. And plus, she had a boyfriend.

We used to hang out and have lunch together every single day, just about. Me and a couple of the other girls, and I was totally okay with platonic friends. I always thought she was cute, but I was like, she had a boyfriend. I knew her boyfriend, and I was like, hey, you don’t hit on your buddy’s girl, but I didn’t remember seeing any signs. I just know that she loved hanging out and we had a couple classes together. And then after we graduated, I assume she rode off into the sunset with her boyfriend. And then our paths crossed once again when I was 21. Like I said, I think we went out 2 or 3 times.

She came in to see me at the bar a few times when I was working. But I didn’t have any game back then. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. I talked her out of liking me when she got to see what I was really like, and I didn’t know what I was doing, she dipped and then started hooking up with a guy from work who definitely knew what he was doing. And then I don’t know what happened to her. Never, ever saw or spoke to her again. But it’s one of those things you remember, like I said, as I was going through this, I was like, “Oh yeah!” Reminded me of that completely, because I know what it’s like to feel like this guy did because I was like that.

But I certainly didn’t say shit like this to her. But she could tell from my actions that I didn’t know what I was doing. She was waiting for me to make a move and I just didn’t. And women don’t want to teach you how to be a man. They want you to go for it because they’d rather reject you after you go for it. But when you don’t even make a move, and then you say all these things about how undesirable and unattractive you are and how you don’t have any confidence and you’re apologizing for yourself and your weaknesses, it’s just going to have the opposite effect that it does in the movies and the real world.

She’s going to flee from you. So all you can do at this point is say, a couple of weeks or a couple of months go by and she reaches out, assumes she wants to see you, invite her over to make dinner at your place in the evening, hang out, have fun, hook up. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and let her do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing from now on. It seems like at some point while you were still interacting with her, you came across my work. But the barrages of texts and two double and triple texting or quadruple texting her and not waiting for her to get back.

Then on top of that, continuing to tell her about all your shortcomings, flaws and faults, you still continued behaving the same unattractive way that you did before you found out about The Book. So if you do the opposite of what The Book says, it clearly is not going to work. Because you really haven’t changed anything. And if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page of my website.

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