Texting & Talking Her Out Of Liking You

How to avoid texting and talking women out of liking you for being too available.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers who have the same problem. They talk and text so much with the women they are romantically interested in, that the women lose their feelings of attraction and romantic interest and don’t want to see them in person.

These emails perfectly illustrate why a man who has no purpose or social life bores women to the point that they lose interest. They literally talked the women out of liking them. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

A lot of guys spend a lot of time talking and texting, but not very much time getting together in person. And the only way things are going to progress romantically is if you’re getting together in person eventually. But you shouldn’t be spending weeks and months talking to somebody and then not getting together in person. Because there are women out there that like the attention, they like the fact that a guy is interested, but they have no intention of meeting him. And so, you’ve got to pay attention, as a man, to what’s coming back. Is she excited to see you? You want somebody that’s excited to spend time with you, not somebody who’s like, “Ehh, I can’t make time with my schedule.”

First Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m a newbie to your work and have read 3% Man twice (back to back). I went two dates with this women who has been divorced for a few years. Leading up to the first date for days, and as she was walking into the date, she was sending me voice messages. The first date was fine, and as soon as she left she was sending me voice notes.

It’s way too much. The phone is for setting dates. This is one of the basic principles in “3% Man.” If you talk too much, text too much in the phone, especially when you just met, she’s going to get bored really quick. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

If a girl’s talking to three different dudes, and two of them are all over her, blowing up her phone, and then the one guy responds intermittently – he seems to be busy a lot, he’s kind of hard to get a hold of – that’s the guy she’s going to be talking about with her girlfriends and wondering what the hell is going on. And who’s going to have a positive effect on her interest. And so, when he is available to go out, that’s why they’ll keep that date. Because they know the other guys will drop what they’re doing at a chance to be with her.

I planned the second date in one week, as I had other dates on the schedule and heeding your advice. Over the week, I was getting dozens of texts, voice notes, links to songs, and some of these voice notes were 6 minutes long.

Yeah. It’s like, you had one date. This tells me he’s encouraged this behavior. He probably got into it with her, “Oh, this is what I need to do to set the date up,” and now she expects it. Then all of a sudden, you’re busy and you’re in a meeting, and then she gets upset, “Where are you? Where were you?” Well, you’ll find out really quick if you have an insecure girlfriend.

Again, this is so important and why you apply what’s in the book. Because when you’re taking your time, and especially if you’ve gone out on one date and this girl sending you six minute long voice notes, if you’re just taking your time, you’re a busy professional, you don’t have time to answer her voice messages and texts constantly. You might be in a few meetings, and then in a few hours you’re going to respond to her.

And if the girl starts getting upset and mad and angry that you haven’t replied right away, well, that’s going to be indicative of somebody that’s insecure. And that’s one of the many, many reasons why you take measured steps, like I talk about in the book. You start to just go out once a week. The phone’s for setting dates, not getting to know somebody. And when you do something like this, constantly texting and being available, then she expects it, and then she gets bored. She’s all over you like white on rice, and then after a few weeks of this, she’ll dip out, which you’ll see.

She even told me how she was telling her friends about me. She did let something slip that she is usually only attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

Imagine that. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. I did a video with Jade and Erica recently that’s been doing pretty well called “Girls Who Say They Want To Be Chased,” and Erica, especially, did not liking hearing that. But reality is reality. It was a kind of a contentious video, but it’s good, because she was believing a lot of BS without realizing how she actually responded.

The day before our second date was the first time in 10-12 days that she wasn’t texting me at 6am, (when she woke up).

Ugh, that’s tiring. That’s a girl who has got no hobbies. Maybe she’s young, I don’t know. It’s like, man, that would just annoy the hell out of me. I wouldn’t want to deal with that.

I finally caved mid-afternoon and texted her about a music festival we both were going to attend, separately. We had some back and forth that day, without the pre-planned second date happening the next day. That night I didn’t hear from her, (which never happened), and the day of our date I didn’t hear from her. She resurfaced around 3 pm for a 7 pm date and told me how excited she was.

That’s good.

After the second date…

So, I don’t know what happened on the date. Did they kiss? Did they hold hands? Like, nothing. He just says it went great. But listen to what he says to her…

…I told her from here on out I’ll pick her up for our dates and let’s plan for next week, (set the time and date).

So, he’s on a second date and he’s already set the third date, going, “I’m going to pick you up from now on.” Why would you say something like that? I don’t know. I mean, it’d be one thing if you had gone over to her house and she invited you in. But to declare “Okay, from now on, since we know each other, I’m going to pick you up. I’m not going to take no for an answer. I’m going to pick you up.” I wouldn’t say that. I don’t know what possessed you to say something like that, but I would not have done that.

Well, I screwed up! We texted each other the following day throughout the day.

So, basically, from the time they met he’s encouraged this behavior. He’s available 24/7. He’s like, “Oh, she likes me. Let me stop what I’m doing. I don’t want her to get mad that I’m not available.”

I was going to go on a date with a dud and cancelled with her to not waste my time. I texted her that afternoon and let her know that my scheduled opened up that night and I got the “I’m tired I’m going to bed early.”

Remember, this was the girl that was just constantly texting, and now, “Oh, I’m tired. I’m going to bed early.” So, this guy is like, “Oh, this is going great. Let me clear my schedule and try to see her tonight.” So, now he’s communicating he’s clearing his schedule in hopes that she’ll see him, and she’s like, “I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Aw, shucks, your schedule opened up? Oh, darn. If I had more energy.”

Then what happened a few hours later is the this text exchange I have attached, and as you can see, she went from excited to see me next week, to telling me she is confused and isn’t feeling this.

Doh! It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Remember what she said, she’s “usually only attracted to emotionally available men.” In other words, men that she has a hard time getting a hold of, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. I’m just telling you this. I didn’t make them this way, I’m just telling you. Because if a man has got his act together and has a busy life, full of friends and family, he’s not texting all day long and all night, especially with somebody he just met.

I haven’t talked to her since the text exchange, friends are telling me to text her for her birthday…

“Let her know how you really care!” So, whoever those friends are, they’re idiots and you shouldn’t listen to them. They don’t know what they’re talking about. But I’ll get to the text exchange.

…but I feel like I should just wait for her to come back, (as your book teaches).

Bob

Remember, this is the girl who’s constantly available. And so, he’s texting her, “Hey my schedule opened up. Let’s get together.” Here is the text exchange:

HER: “I’ve got plans with my girlfriends, my sis and church the next few days… but next week!”

Because she’s a good, church-going girl, of course.

HIM: “Okay. Looking forward to it.”

HER: “Bob, I disappeared on my phone this afternoon to think. Like I mentioned, these dating situations get confusing for me, because I’m worried I’m attracted to the wrong type, yada-yada. I think you are a godly man with a lot of love to give. I see that.”

“A lot of love to give,” in other words, “you’re way more into me than I am to you.” Women don’t care how much you like them, they only care about how they feel.

HER: “I’m just not getting that feeling I think I should be getting. But I have enjoyed our time together and yes, you have left me better than I was before. I imagine we’ll see each other around. And please say hi if we do!”

HIM: “I understand completely. And, of course I’ll say hi.”

HER: “Thank you for your understanding.”

HIM: “Of course.”

So, down in flames he goes. You’ve got to follow what’s in the book, dude. Don’t be available 24/7. It’s one of the first things you learn in the book. I know he’s a newbie to the work, so that’s what happens, kids. That’s why you don’t do it.

But wait, there’s more. We’ve got one more email. So this one’s a little different. He’s known this girl for years, off and on. He probably had the same problem. So, let’s go through it.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach, 

I have been in a relationship with this woman for about 4 years on and off. The only reason she kept coming back to me was that I didn’t pursue her, but things I said turned her off as they showed low confidence.

Yeah, one of the things I talk about in the book is you’ve got to think about what you’re going to say, especially in the beginning. It’s like, is this going to make me look more attractive in her eyes, or is this going to make me look like a weakling? It’s a simple thing. If you’re not sure of yourself, go talk to your friends. Don’t be making your girl your mommy or your therapist, “Oh, life’s so hard for me. I don’t think I can get through it.”

Things were going well two months ago, and she told me that she loved me more than ever. I figured this was because I focused more towards paying attention to her actions and complimented her more for the small things like trying out a different look. She told me she wanted to marry me and told me about her future dreams involving me.

Well, you’ve got to remember, just like the weather, there’s a time limit on that. The weather is always changing, and so are her feelings. So, when she said that, that’s what she was feeling in the moment. But guys say, “But you told me several months ago…” And the woman is like, “Yeah, but that was then. That’s what I was feeling then.”

However, I think my mistake was that I did the same, saying too much about my dreams involving her.

So, he just drooled all over her.

I would love to know what could have been the right thing to say in such a situation.

Well, you’re in luck. You can read the book. That’ll help you out.

I am involved in online marketing, and therefore am constantly online on social media. This led to her texting me more and more on Facebook and me being too available.

If you violate the rules, what do you expect? It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And if you’re constantly, all day long, available online and she can interrupt you whenever, I mean, you’ve got four years of training her to be this way. It’s really hard to undo at this point.

I failed to pay attention to it until she stopped calling me altogether, focused entirely on texting and cancelled our plans for dates with excuses like she has to go out with her family that day.

She’s canceling dates because she doesn’t want to see you, because you have become her emotional tampon online. So, whenever she needs attention and validation, she calls and texts you. You drop what you’re doing to be with her. You’ll fix her flat tire on her car. If her car is broken down, you go pick her up to drive her around and be her chauffeur.

She does offer a different time frame for us to meet, but the time she suggests just doesn’t work for me.

She obviously knows the schedule, so she’s suggesting getting together on days when she knows he’s not available. And then she’s like, “Aw, shucks. Gosh darn it, our schedules don’t line up. Oh, that’s just a tragedy. Gosh, I really wanted to see you, Bob. Darn schedules!” So, it tells me he was constantly setting dates, getting rejected, and then asking her for new dates.

You’ve got to pay attention to that. If the girl won’t see you, it means she ain’t interested. And if she’s not interested, and she’s constantly canceling, as the book talks about, if she cancels without suggesting an alternative, it shows she really doesn’t care about getting together. And you never try to keep someone in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. So, this guy is not paying attention to her interest dropping, and he keeps pursuing because that’s what the movies and the TV told him to do.

Recently, she seemed more shut down, and I asked her what was going on.

It’s amazing. It doesn’t matter what country I’m getting an email from, it’s like, women say the same exact thing.

She explained that she wants this relationship and wants to try, but she is not feeling it.

Ha, wonder why.

She says that she has exams coming soon and wants to meet me after that.

The reason being, she’s hoping her feelings come back.

I didn’t try to reason with her and focused on improving myself, and it was at this point I started seeing your videos and found your book.

Yeah, when you get that kind of an attitude, she’s not excited to see you and you’re constantly texting her, trying to get her to go out, you’re only going to ask twice. And even if she’s reaching out to you, and you’ve asked two consecutive times and she won’t make dates, don’t ask anymore unless she brings it up first. And then, when she does reach out, keep the text exchange to 2 to 3 texts, and a phone call, maybe 3 minutes, 2 minutes, 4 minutes max. Then go, “Hey, it was really great hearing from you. I’ve got to run. Talk to you later. I’ve got an appointment to get to.” “Oh, Where are you going?” “Oh, I’ve got a meeting in about 5 minutes. I’ve got to go, babe. Talk to you later.”

I kept reading page after page and applying the principles in the book. She initiates contact 2-3 times every single day through text but doesn’t call or want to make plans for a date.

So, you should be taking your time to respond to her. Like the book says, if she reaches out at 6:00 or 7:00 at night, I’d respond the next day. And since you’ve already asked her out a gazillion times and she cancels, you’ve got to go, “Hmm… she doesn’t want to see me.” She’s just stirring the pot to make sure you’re still interested.

So, you should be looking at “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and that would tell you, don’t bring up getting together anymore, at all. Make her do all of the pursuing at this point, 100% of the reaching out. And like I said, don’t try to make a date unless she brings it up first. And keep your conversation short, take your time getting back to her, don’t be in a rush. And like I said, at night after 7:00, you should be out doing other things, and you can text her back the next morning at 10:00 or 11:00 am, when you wake up.

However, I am not sure how to go about decreasing texting since I am online on social media almost all the time…

That doesn’t mean that you have to answer her, and you can set your status to offline. You don’t have to let her know when you’re online. Let her go, “Oh wow, he’s not online today. I wonder why that is.” “Hey, I didn’t see you online.” You can be like, “Oh yeah, I had meetings. Sorry, I’ve been busy.”

…and ignoring her causes her to back off even more.

“Oh, I’m afraid.” Okay, so how’s the over pursuing working, dude? She won’t even see you. “But if I back off more, then she’s not going to want to see me. She’ll back off more.” It’s like, that’s the point. She doesn’t want to see you now. It’s like, you’ve already tried your failed approach. But hey, if you want to keep doing the same thing, then hey, if that’s working for you, bro, have at it. Just blow her phone up, Keep calling and texting her, or begging her to spend time with you. See how that works.

A few days ago she texted me, and I was playful with her and having fun. She sent me her pictures and asked me which was best to add as a profile photo for her Facebook.

That’s just attention seeking, right there. “Which picture do you like the best?”

I complimented her.

Which is what she was looking for, attention and validation.

We were having fun, and I playfully told her she should come here and kiss me.

Again, you’re asking her to come over and see you when she’s been blowing you off. You’re continuing to do the same thing over and over and over again, and you’re ignoring she doesn’t want to spend time with you, so you stop asking. “But I’m afraid she’ll back off more.” It’s like, bro, she won’t even see you. She’s using you for attention right now. That’s it. She feels nothing for you.

It doesn’t matter what she said a couple of months ago about your future and being married and all of that stuff. Right now, she doesn’t even want to see you. So, that’s the only thing that matters. What are her feelings today?

She said that I should talk normally, but I felt it was a test, (could also be my sudden change in behavior), and I told her that I am not here to be a friend and I need to be able to share what’s on my mind or how I feel.

You’ve got to read the book, dude.

She sent me a message saying ‘continue’ along with a smile emoji. Since then, she still initiates contact by text as usual and nothing changed. Was she testing me, or am I doing something wrong?

You’re pursuing a girl that doesn’t want to be with you, and you’re ignoring that. You’re living in the past and the way she was in the past.

Based on this situation, what should my actions be to increase her attraction? 

Hoping to hear from you soon. Would be grateful if you could make a video about it.

Thank You,

Bob

I would do nothing at this point. You’ve been overpursuing for months, or actually four years, and how are the blue balls working out for you? Are you liking that? Because if you want more of that, then yeah, keep doing what you’re doing. But if I was in this situation, I would not call or text her again for any reason.

And like I said, three texts max back and forth, and “Hey, I’ve got to run. Talk to you later.” If she’s calling you, “Hey, it was great hearing your voice. I’ve got to run. Talk to you later.” You’re not going to bring up getting together unless she does. And then, you’ll set a date and make her come to you. Make a date in the evening to make dinner together. Follow the script that’s right in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” because your approach ain’t working.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, go to my website at UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.