How to handle texting, testing and touching to create, grow and maintain attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy whose girlfriend of almost two years gave him the test of no touching her in naughty places for twenty-four hours. The second email is from a guy who is stuck in limbo with his girlfriend of two years after he got overanxious, needy and controlling. He says he became complacent and stopped courting her properly.
Once he realized that she was slipping away, he made a bunch of mistakes that turned her off and caused her to back away. They have not slept together in two months now, even though she still calls and they go out on dates. There is a lot of tension between them, and she says she doesn’t want to talk about what happened, which is causing things to remain in limbo. He asks my opinion on what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
I’ve got two good emails I’m going to go through with you today, and what’s really important about this particular topic is how they set the tone in your home. Because if you’re a man watching this, you are supposed to be the king of your kingdom, and you are the one that decides what things are like in your kingdom.
Gotta have a little sippage on the “No Drama Allowed” mug. Oh, by the way, there is a rumor that there are mugs on Teespring at the Coach Corey Wayne store that have “Hang out, Have fun, Hook up!” on it. That statement is obviously from my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” and that’s a simple formula for guys to get. Hang out, have fun, hook up. And both of these guys are kind of leaving out the fun part and the hook up part.
The idea is, you want to hang out together. In other words, create some kind of a fun date, something you can do together. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. I mean, you can be at McDonald’s and have fun with Happy Meals, for Christ’s sake. It doesn’t matter, as long as you’re having hanging out together, and you’re having fun, and you’re laughing.
Because if your girl is laughing and having fun with you, she’s going to associate those good feelings with being with you, which is going to cause her to feel more attraction for you and get closer to you. And then that’s where the hooking up part comes in. And guys really just need to focus on those three, so they can create a perpetual love story, because women want to be in a love story.
So the first guy’s email is really short, but I thought it was a good topic, because she brought up something about testing.
First Viewer’s Email:
Love your work and I have had great success reading the book. Got an easy 1 for you. My girlfriend of almost 2 years hit me with a “do not touch her boobs and/or butt for 24 hours” test. I obviously said no, because it made no sense and that I will not be controlled like a dog.
Well, did you say that with a smile on your face? Were you playful, or were you pissed off and angry? Remember, hang out, have fun and hook up. Doesn’t really sound like there’s a lot of having fun in that statement. Remember, women bluff to test your strength. And if you’re the king of your kingdom, like the quote says, you’re setting the tone of humor, playfulness, fun. Love is supposed to be playful and fun.
She says that I’m the one overreacting.
One thing that could be possible for her to say that is maybe you’re a little too grabby, and you haven’t been doing the hanging out and having fun part before the hookup. So maybe you’ve just been grabbing her butt in her boobs and going for it too much and not getting her engines warmed up slowly.
If you’re doing everything right that I teach in my book, the woman should be wanting more sex from you than you are interested in having sex with her. And if you’re not used to that, and that’s not what’s happening, you should get back to reading the book. And if you haven’t read it yet, you can go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, subscribe to the email newsletter totally for free, and you can read that and my second book, “Mastering Yourself “ for free.
The second book’s all about how to align your life with your true calling and reach your full potential. It’s a book about self reliance. And yes, there is politics discussed in my second book, which for those overly sensitive dudes, Biden supporters that are following me, it probably will bother you a little bit what’s in there. Because most people just don’t want to be responsible for their own lives. It’s somebody else’s fault. “It’s my chicks fault. She’s crazy. My girl’s crazy. She’s difficult.“
She went to bed with me without a word. I obviously failed her test by not agreeing.
Well, in the spirit of fun, when she says no touching her boobs or her butt for twenty-four hours, I would have said, “Babe, no, no, no. Those are my boobs, and that’s my butt. And I am the king of this beautiful castle that we’re in. And if I decide I want to touch them, I can’t really control my hands. It just kind of happens. So, I’m a victim. I mean, God, have you ever seen yourself naked before? It’s like, what am I supposed to do, just not touch you for twenty-four hours?”
“I know, maybe I’m being a little unreasonable, and you know, you’re setting some boundaries. And okay, I guess I can agree to not touch you for like twenty-four hours. So, okay, five seconds. I’ll give you five seconds of no touching. One, two, three, four, five.” Then, grab her boobs or butt. Don’t bite her hard, just playfully and be ridiculous about it. That’s the whole point. You’ve got to be playful, you’ve got to be fun.
So, that’s how I personally would have handled that. Or I might have said, “Babe, give me your hand.” [Smacks butt] “I can’t believe you would deny yourself the privilege of these beautiful hands on your booty. I mean, I know how much you love it. You tell me how much you love it. I don’t want to deny you that, because I don’t want you to suffer. I’m just looking out for you, because I care. You know, I love you so much.”
Ridiculousness, love is ridiculous. It’s fun, and it’s ridiculous. That’s the way you want to be. So that’s how I would have handled that, instead of going, “I can’t touch her boobs and butt.” You just can’t be that way, man. More fun, more playfulness, more ridiculousness.
You probably need to do a little bit more courting her properly, and talking to her and getting her to open up, because when a woman feels heard and understood, guess what? The legs open right up. And when she doesn’t, the legs go [close]. So, like I said, you’re probably not dating and courting her properly, or maybe not communicating properly. Take your time. Don’t be in such a rush.
It’s okay to have quickies, but you’ve got to take the time to wind her up. Like I said, if you’ve done everything according to the way I teach in “How To Be A 3% Man,” my first book, then she should be wanting sex more from you more than you are from her. Just slightly more. Because think about it. If a woman’s always chasing you, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Corey,
I have been in a relationship for about 2 years with an amazing girl who is 14 years younger than I. We rarely ever talk about age, (except for when she wants to tease me and call me something like old man river. But it’s all in fun).
Good. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, because you can’t get butt hurt. I only date younger women as well, so I get it. Usually much younger.
We have a great time together, genuinely, and are each other’s best friends.
“Friends”… well, friends. I think you’re kind of pedestalizing a little bit, which you’ll see as we get a little further on down. “She’s amazing, Coach, she’s amazing.” But you’re writing me an email, so if things were so amazing, you wouldn’t be writing an email.
When her and I met, we did fall in love rather quickly. For me, it was easy. For her, it was a leap of faith, as she had never felt anything like this before. She trusted me with her heart.
Yeah, because you were probably acting like a masculine man, so she trusted your masculine core. Obviously, if you’re having problems now, she doesn’t trust your masculine core. So we have to work to re-establish that.
I did virtually everything wrong from what your book teaches. But she was so with it, that we just kept going. Talking about kids, moving in together, etc.
Well, obviously, you were doing enough displays of masculinity, because you probably heard me say it before in “How To Be A 3% Man,” this is not etched in stone, and if you get one thing wrong and you deviate from it, you’re totally screwed. That’s not how it works. It’s a philosophy. It’s a mindset. It’s a set of fundamentals and principles of how you’re supposed to show up as a man.
And if you do that, you can do all kinds of other things that might be contradictory or against the things that I teach. That’s why you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times, because if you just breeze through it a couple of times, you’re just not going to know it well enough to be able to have attainable long term success.
I was open to starting a whole new life with her, even though I have one son who is grown and another who is in the middle of high school. And I am still open to it.
I have had past issues with anxieties, confidence, and self-esteem.
Ahh, so something must have happened that excited those insecurities and doubts, because obviously you weren’t displaying them in the beginning.
When her and I met, she fell in love with the natural confidence I had, (her words).
Well, there you have it. You displayed masculinity and confidence. There’s nothing wrong with talking about the future if the vibe is there. If she’s telling you how much she gushes about you, of course you can talk about those things. But if you’re the only one talking about those things, and you’re on your first date, it’s probably not a good idea.
Everything in time. Just like I said with the first guy’s email, if you do everything right in here, the woman is going be chasing and pursuing you, wanting a relationship, wanting more sex than you want. I know a lot of you are going, “What? Did Corey just say that?” Yeah, that’s what I’m used to. If you do everything right, that’s the way it is. She even sometimes doubts, “Does he care about me? Does he like me?” “Of course, babe. You’re the only one for me. You’re my universe. Are you nuts?“
Although I did not see it, she did. Somewhere along the way in our relationship, I started to lose that. I stopped courting her as often as I used to, and I could feel her slipping away.
That’s typically what happens. When I do phone sessions with guys in long term relationships, and they’re not dating and courting properly, or they’re not communicating and opening her up, in almost a hundred percent of phone sessions I do, it’s one of the two things or a combination of them.
Unbeknownst to me, until I started reading your book and watching your videos, it was me that was allowing this to happen.
Yeah, there’s a chapter in my book called “The Courtship Never Ends.” If you love your girl and she is your universe, of course you’re going to want to continue to date and court her and make her feel special, because you love seeing her smile, and you love turning her on, and you love getting her dripping wet and begging you to do naughty things to her.
Things got to a point where my anxieties took over.
Because you were not in a place of confidence. You were now fearful.
And one night when she was out with friends, they got the best of me. And I all but accused her of cheating on me with absolutely no basis for the claim.
Yeah, you basically made her your therapist and your mommy to deal with your insecurities, and it’s extremely unattractive. That’s not the guy she fell in love with. Obviously, that’s why it really fucking turned her off.
When we discussed it, she said she wanted space, but did not want to stop seeing or talking to each other.
So, obviously she wants space, because she feels like you’re smothering her. She feels like she’s losing her freedom. That’s what happens when you over pursue a woman. She says, “I just need space.” It doesn’t mean a break, a breakup up, it just means stop being so fucking needy and clingy. That’s what she’s really saying. And if you let women come to you at their own pace, these are just things that you never, ever have to worry about. And it sure feels good.
It has been almost 2 months on now, and there is still a sense of tension between us. Yet she still calls, still messages me. We still go on dates and try to be as normal as possible. She says she wants to not talk about it because it hurts her.
Yeah, you’ve got to remember, if a woman says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” and the air hasn’t been cleared, obviously shit still bothers her. And most women when they say, “I don’t want to talk about it,” they do want to talk about it. But if you love them and you care about them, then you’re going to want to find out what’s going on. Because again, if you’re the king of your kingdom, and you’ve got a woman with a sour attitude, and she says, “Oh, I don’t want to talk about it,” it’s like, “Babe, we used to fuck like rabbits. And now you say you don’t want to talk about it. Obviously, it’s bothering you, so let’s get to the bottom of it.”
I am also being hurt by the guilt I have been carrying and her general demeanor toward me.
Dude, let it go. It doesn’t fucking matter. You’re living in the past. You’re not living in the present moment, and that’s why you’re having problems.
I feel it is still causing some tension, and the air needs to be cleared one way or the other.
What’s a simple formula? Hang out, have fun and hook up. Sounds like you’re hanging out, but you’re not having a lot of fun, because you’re stuck in the past feeling guilt. You want her to laugh and feel good, because that’s going to make her more attracted to you.
Even though we still do things together, her walls are completely up. We have not slept with each other since before this happened, and she’s nowhere near as cutesy as she was before.
The next time she comes over and she’s dressed like a bum, it’s like, “You want to go out looking like that? You always used to dress so hot for me. I don’t know if that meets my standard. Maybe you can go out with my big, fat, ugly neighbor Bob that lives next door, because he’s always got his gut hanging out, and he doesn’t really care about his appearance. Maybe I’ll set you guys up. Babe, come on. You still look cute, but come on.“
I have been trying to gently back off, which is hard enough for me period.
“I’ve been trying to back off,” which means “I really haven’t been backing off.” And that’s part of your problem. When a woman says, “I need space,” you need to back the fuck off.
But she keeps contacting me in various ways. And I certainly won’t just ghost her. That’s childish.
Well, if you’re chasing after a woman still, because you’re not exercising emotional self-control after she says she wanted space, that’s another reason why you’re not having sex anymore.
I have been considering bringing up the situation and the air of tension that I am still feeling, and maybe suggesting, that we should take some real time apart to evaluate where we truly are and not sourcing something that just might not be there any longer.
So what you’re really telling me is, “Hey Corey, I’m thinking about breaking up with her to teach her a lesson, and then hopefully she’ll come back running and everything will be fine.” Wrong strategy, dude. That’s just not how it works.
What’s more is, I need to let go of the guilt of how I hurt her. I hope you can help.
Well, let it go. Poof! I’m going to wave my magic wand. It’s gone. Poof! Let it go, dude. It’s not going to do anything to help you. Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun and to hook up, not to feel guilty about, “Oh, I hurt her.”
So you acted like a bitch. Get over it. Big fucking deal. It happens. You made a lot of mistakes in the beginning, but because you displayed that masculine, playful confidence, she still fell head over heels in love with you, and it didn’t matter that you’re 14, 15 years older than her, because you acted like a man, and she found you attractive. That’s the guy you need to be.
So what I would do in this particular situation is, I wouldn’t call her or text her for any reason at all. And if she reaches out, just like the book teaches, assume she wants to see you and invite her over to your place to make dinner together in the evening, obviously.
And you’re going to want to hang out and have fun and hook up. Just think about how you were on your first couple of dates. That’s the guy you want to get back to, being fun, playful, ridiculous, like I was saying in the beginning of the video with the first guy. That level of ridiculousness.
And as you get to, “Hey, how’s your day? How’s your week going? How’s this going?” whatever, get her to talk, get her to open up. Look for the signs of attraction. Is she he playing with her hair? Is she leaning in? “Really? Tell me more about that. What else? Wow, that happened? What happened next? How’d that make you feel? Oh.” Really get into it, and get her to talk. Get her open up.
And when you see the signs are there that she’s feeling physical attraction or bumping into you, the seduction process is the same. It’s like, what you’re doing is you’re holding back. And as “The 10 Disciplines of Love” talks about my first book, fear and hurt imprison the heart. That’s where you’re at. You’re too afraid to move forward, because you’re stuck in the past, and you’re not doing the things that you know how to do.
You’re waiting for one big event to clear the air. You just simply need to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. And you have to exercise control and stop chasing and pursuing this woman. It’s not working. You have to let her come to you. If she’s coming to you and making all the effort, you just simply make dates.
What I would do is, for at least the next three dates, don’t take her out, don’t meet her out or pick her up. Just invite her over. Just like out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” If she doesn’t want to come over and do that, and she says, “Hey, let’s meet for lunch or coffee,” just say “Nah, it’s been a long week. I’m just wanting to hang at my place, make some dinner and have a nice, quiet evening and catch up. If you don’t want to do that, then give me a call in a week or so, and we can meet up for coffee then.”
So in other words, you’re going to deny, you’re going to politely decline her request for coffee or friendship type of things, because you’re interested in sex and romance. It’s your fucking kingdom, dude. Be a fucking man about it, and invite her over to your place. And if she doesn’t want to come over, then politely decline. Just tell her you’re tired, it’s been a long week, you just wanted to cook and catch up, and hang out, and look into those pretty eyes of hers and see what she’s been up to.
And if she doesn’t want to do that, “Hey, call me in a week or two and, you know, we can meet up then or whatever, and do something more formal.” But if she comes over for three dates in a row, and then you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times, then you can start meeting out and picking her up. But you’ve got to let her come to you at her pace. You’ve obviously been over pursuing this girl and smothering her. That’s why she asked for space in the first place.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“A man should set the tone in the home. He should be the leader. He should be the king of his castle and the king of his kingdom. He should decide ahead of time that in his kingdom, fun, happiness, good vibes and playfulness are the daily norm. Grouchy, drama inducing and sour attitudes are not allowed. Good, loving, honest and open communication is the standard. It is a privilege, not a right, for all those who enter his happy kingdom to treat the king with kindness, love and respect. Those who refuse to comply will be banished from his kingdom.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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