Here are some reasons why a woman’s texts are short and she doesn’t initiate contact with you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a self-professed “advanced” viewer. He’s only read my book a few times and watched some videos, but is obviously cutting corners, being lazy and cherry-picking information. He’s now had four dates with a woman and hooked up with her on the third and fourth dates. However, he says that she doesn’t really initiate contact with him and her texts seem short.
He admits that he is texting more than I recommend this early on but believes the short and flirty nature of them should cause her to be more attracted to him. He asks if he should just hang back and wait to hear from her and if she will do all the pursuing from now on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
It’s obvious he’s over pursuing and he doesn’t think it, and it’s kind of funny in the very beginning of his email, he refers to himself as an “advanced viewer.” And then as you go through the email, you see how much effort he’s actually put in to get to know How To Be A 3% Man. Obviously, I recommend reading it 10 to 15 times, because a lot of what’s in here is doing the opposite of what you’ve been told or programmed to think and feel and how you should interact with women.
When you only read the book a handful of times, you don’t really know it backwards and forwards. And then when your emotions get involved, what happens is you tend to go back to behaving the way you did before you found my work. And obviously, that wasn’t working, because if it was working, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. Because people don’t come to me because everything’s going great in their life, they come to me when shit’s going sideways.
The big difference a lot of guys think is, you see this in movies, you’ve got to go out of your way to let her know how much you care and how much you like her. Women like a guy that’s a challenge, that’s mysterious, a guy that’s also skeptical. Because if a guy has lots of choices and lots of options, he has to be selective and he has to be picky. Typically, high achieving, successful men that have a full life of friends and family they love and enjoy, plus they’ve got a career or a business that they love and enjoy, their dance card’s pretty full.
They’ve got lots of friends and family to spend time with. They’re working out, they’re taking care of themselves, they’re working at their job, they’re working at their business. And so, they value their time and they value themselves. They’re not going to spend their time with people that have low to mediocre interest in them, because, quite frankly, they don’t have to and their standards are high. And so, when they first start dating a woman, they’re going to be skeptical. Just because she looks hot in the outside doesn’t mean that she’s not a total train wreck on the inside.
And the reality is there’s a lot of people who come from broken homes, and most people just simply won’t do the work on themselves to resolve their childhood trauma or overcome their shortcomings or the wounds that their parents had, that they, in essence, whether they realized it or not, imposed and then passed on to their children.
I’m one of your “advanced” viewers.
What’s interesting is when somebody is kind of being a smart ass, like a journalist will put “journalist” in quotes or sometimes when guys are trolling me, they’ll write “coach” in quotes, it’s a way to be kind of a smart ass and saying, oh, you’re not really this, or you’re not really that thing, or you’re not good at that particular thing. And so, this guy, the fact that he put “advanced” in quotes tells me that he didn’t really believe that bullshit himself either. He knows he’s not really advanced.
I’ve seen your videos, engaged on many of them and bought and read your book a few times, (I always did well, but you’ve helped me refine my game a lot, so thanks for that).
So, in the first sentence, “I always did well,” I don’t need to read this book 10 to 15 times. A lot of guys think, “Hey, this doesn’t apply to me. I got pretty good success. I’ll read this book a few times, get a few tips and everything will be amazing.” But the reality is he sent me an email. And obviously, after having going through his email, he’s not following the instructions, he’s not reading the book 10 to 15 times like he should. He feels like it doesn’t apply to him, because he’s better than everybody else, smarter than everybody else, doesn’t need to do the things I say.
And I have these conversations with guys I do phone sessions with all the time, and I’m like, “You’ve been following me for four years, you read the book twice and you’re surprised you’re struggling?” He’s like, “I know. I know.” But you’ve got to break people’s balls, because there’s too many people in their life going, “Oh, it’s fine. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. It’ll work out.” It doesn’t work that way in real life.
Here’s the situation. I met a really nice, educated, fun woman a month ago and we hit it off immediately on the first date. We made out for a long time, and she gave me her number.
So, I assume you probably met her out in public, started talking and you were making out. Pretty good, good job. But a lot of guys focus on the pickup skills and dating and hookup skills, and then they never really go beyond that, because as soon as they start getting laid, “Yeah, I’ve got this. This is a piece of cake. We’re going to live happily ever after. I don’t need to read your damn book 10 to 15 times, because I’m special.”
We met again the following week, (I set up the date), and a similar nice result. A few text messages back and forth after that, (I initiated), and she asked me when I was free again.
It sounds like she was excited. He didn’t say how long he waited. And so, as I teach in the book, if you’re busy and you’re selective and your dance card is pretty full, it doesn’t matter how hot she is, you’re going to be skeptical. Because, you know, you’ve got borderline personality disorder women out there, you’ve got women that are narcissists. You’ve got women that have got body counts probably in the triple digits, women with a truckload of problems.
They look great on the outside, but inside they’re just an absolute mess. They’ve cheated on every guy they’ve ever been with. They came from a broken home, where one or both of their parents cheat on each other, and their subsequent spouses, and boyfriends, and girlfriends, and relationships, they cheated on them. So, that’s all they know. That’s normal to them. You’re not going to fix those women. That’s what they learned. They’re emotionally anchored to that. But there’s always some guy that’s going to think, “I am going to be different. I’m Captain Save-a-Hoe, here to save the day,” and it always ends poorly. You chose poorly.
There’s a part in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” this came on the eighties, and at the end of it, they’re all drinking out of these cups. There’s all these beautiful chalices, and one of them was the one that supposedly caught the blood of Christ when he was crucified on the cross. And so, there’s all of these beautiful ones and this guy picks one out, scoops up the water, and the old knight that’s there says, “The right cup will give you everlasting life, and the wrong one will take it from you.”
And so, this guy finds this really beautiful one, this woman picks it out for him. He drinks it, and then he ages really fast to the point where he literally turns to dust in a matter of thirty seconds, or whatever. And so, Indiana Jones gets this kind of beat up looking chalice, and he’s like “This is the cup of a carpenter.” He scoops it up, drinks it, nothing happens. Then he goes and he heals and saves his dad, the late, great Sean Connery, Mr. James Bond himself, and he escapes in the end.
But the point being is that there was a part, it was kind of funny because the guy dies. His hair starts growing really fast, it gets really grey, he ages and he just basically turns into a skeleton. And he’s holding on to the beautiful woman. Indiana Jones pushes the skeleton that’s just turning to dust away, it hits the wall and it just goes poof! It’s just dust in the night. And the knight looks at him and he goes, “He chose poorly.” And so, a lot of guys choose very poorly when it comes to dating.
Guys who are selective, guys who know what they’re doing, are not going to be wowed by just another pretty face, a nice body and a nice figure. He wants to know, what’s this woman like? Do I like her? Is she good for me? Is she a good person? Does she share the same goals and values, or not? So, he’s not going to be in a rush. But guys that don’t have choice, guys that have no emotional self-control, they bullshit themselves into pursuing too much and they think, “I’m going to be different, because I’m special and I really like this girl. And I’m going to show her how much I really like her. And that’s going to cause her to really like me.” And it doesn’t work that way.
Women have to know that their beauty, them being in your life, is not going to cause you to lose your shit and come unglued and totally go sideways. How could they ever possibly rely on you if they’re going to be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the children if you come unglued if they don’t call you back soon enough, or they’re not spending enough time with you, or in this case, not pursuing and initiating like he wants? This guy is getting perturbed by a woman’s actions and not really looking at his own, the fact that he has no emotional self-control.
The idea is we take measured steps. One day of the week, because you might only have one evening a week open, and you’re not trying to have two or three or four dates in the first week, where you’re the one initiating. You just do it slowly. And the idea is that you go slightly slower than the woman does, so it gives her time to miss you, to think about you, to wonder about you, to talk about you with her mom, her girlfriends or co-workers. Because when they’re away from you, and they’re thinking about you and they’re talking about you, their interest goes up. And you didn’t do anything for that.
But if you’re always in her face and you’re always texting, trying to communicate how much you like her, you’re just coming off as another neurotic, needy, insecure jackass who she’ll quickly friendzone and blow off or ghost altogether because you’re perturbed. They get perturbed at the woman’s behavior too quickly. And you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
So, I suggest a venue and time and we have a great 3rd date too, ending in my bed. The following week, I send some naughty texts and I ask her availability and we meet to have a great PDA-filled 4th date, and she suggests we go to my place and of course we did.
So far, so good. Obviously, this girl likes you. But if you look at her actions and you look at her behavior, and this is where he says things are troubling him.
Here’s something that’s troubling me a bit… It feels at this point, (4 dates in), she should be opening up and communicating proactively… maybe even chasing me a bit.
Well, you might potentially be dealing with a structured woman. This is why you go slowly. You’re trying to see how she behaves, because it’s obvious in your mind that you’ve already convinced yourself, “This going to be my future girlfriend. It’s going to be amazing,” but you don’t know her well enough yet. Maybe she’s following a set of rules, maybe she’s familiar with my work, or maybe you’re just pursuing too much.
Because when you pursue too much, you get in the way of her being present with her emotions, away from you and wondering about you. Because just the act of calling and texting too much communicates that you really like her, and women can sense that within a very short period of time when you’re way more into her than she is into you. And when that happens, they tend to think, “Wow, he doesn’t know me that well. How can he be so excited and so into me?” And then they pretend to back away and the guy tends to pursue more, which eventually results in him chasing her out of his life.
I am used to that from girls that I’ve seen more than a couple of times.
Well, obviously you probably weren’t as into those women as you are into this one, because the reality is you’re writing me an email about this one, so I know you like her more than these other girls. And on top of that, you said you were an “advanced viewer,” meaning you didn’t really believe it yourself.
With this one, her texts are short, and usually in response to mine.
So, you’ve got to pay attention to that. That’s why I said in the quote, match and mirror.
She doesn’t really initiate but is otherwise prompt in responding to mine.
So, there’s definitely interest there. And obviously, she slept with you the last two dates.
There’s just more palpable energy in my texts.
If you had read the book 10 to 15 times, what would that mean? In other words, you’re communicating that you’re way more into her than she is into you. Obviously, she has high interest, because she’s sleeping with you and she’s prompt to respond.
And she hasn’t said proactively she had a great time but definitely agrees when I say it. I’ll confess I may have texted just a little bit more than you teach, but they were all flirty/fun and usually moving towards setting the next date quickly, so I don’t look robotic.
Come on, man. This is the part where we find out you are bullshitting yourself. But the very first line of your email, I could tell when you said “advanced.” So, we realize when we’re self-bullshitting, but like I said, because I’ve done this for so long and I don’t have to think about this stuff, it’s just obvious to me. I see the same patterns over and over and over again. But that’s why I get paid the big bucks, to point these things out to you guys.
See, the problem is you’re focused on your interest in her, and you’re ignoring her lack of enthusiasm and interest in you and the fact that you’re trying to make her like you more with fun and flirty texts. And you’re obviously texting and trying to get together more frequently, because you’ve got to look at that overall. You want her to miss you and to think about you, and that’s why you stretch it out. You only go out no more than once a week, where you’re initiating it.
Now, like I talked about in the video the other day, where the woman’s doing all of the initiating, it’s like, yeah, it’s her idea. Of course, you can set dates and hang out, have fun and hook up, and you’ll spend a lot more time together. But that woman was really into that guy. This woman is not as into him, but it’s also possible she’s just structured and really does like him. But the fact that there’s no enthusiasm, you can’t just look at one thing and go, okay, this is everything. “The fact that she slept with me, oh, she definitely loves me.” Maybe she was just horny. Maybe she belongs to the streets and you don’t even know it. Maybe she’s got a high body count. You don’t know what you don’t know yet.
But the fact that her texts are short, she doesn’t initiate, that’s pretty obvious. And plus, on top of this, because you’re pursuing too much, you’re communicating that you really, really, really like her and so she knows that. What’s happening is you’re not giving enough time for the cake to bake in the oven, for the sexual anticipation to happen. I mean, there’s nothing wrong if, say you go out on a Wednesday, and then maybe Wednesday or Thursday of the following week you get in touch with her and find out, “Hey, when are you free?” And then you don’t actually go out until the following week on maybe Tuesday or Wednesday. So, by the time you actually see her, it might have been two weeks since the last time you were together. This is a good thing. This is what you want.
You want to stretch it out, because when you stretch it out you’re causing her to not be so sure of herself. And it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. When you’re calling and texting a lot in the beginning, you’re doing something that scientifically causes women to be less attracted to you. And the idea is to get them attracted and obsessed, where they’re blowing your phone up like the woman was in the email I read the other day, where she was all over this guy and they were spending a lot of time together. So, you’re doing too much, too soon and you’re rushing it.
When you notice after the third date she still hasn’t reached out, that’s why I said four or five days later, you see how she is. Because if you wait four or five days and then you reach out and she’s pissed, “Hey, we slept together. We had sex and you didn’t call me or text me the next day.” You could say, “Was your phone broken? Why don’t you call or text me? Because if you missed me so much, we could have gotten together. I would have been happy to see you again. But I’ve been busy this last week, and I haven’t heard from you and I’m calling you.” Instead of, “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. I miss you. I wondered what happened,” you get an attitude.
And that’s why you do this, because you want a woman who is easygoing, easy to get along with, not a chick to get pissed off at you after the fact. Maybe she hasn’t heard from you in a few days after you slept together for the first time. You want a girl that’s chill. You want a girl that’s just happy to hear from you, that’s glad you called. She has emotional self-control as well. A chick that’s a lunatic or a control freak or insecure or needy is going to get pissed off if you sleep together and she doesn’t hear from you after four or five days. Do you really want to continue forward with a woman that’s getting mad and angry because you didn’t call her or text her after four or five days? Did she tell you she expected this?
I mean, this is 2021 and women can call and text guys now when they’re interested. And the fact she’s mad that you didn’t do something, she had unreasonable expectations, this is the kind of thing that reveals the drama, that reveals the undesirability of this dating prospect. And that’s the kind of thing that should cause you to pause and go, “Do I really want to go out with this chick again? Do I really want to deal with this?” I think not. I personally wouldn’t. But again, that’s why you apply what’s in the book, so you can tell what you’re dealing with.
But this guy is all focused on his interests and trying to get this girl to like him, and he’s not really paying attention to, “What is she really like?” He doesn’t know, because he’s so focused on, “How do I get this girl to like me?” and seeking your attention and validation, he’s blind. This is how guys make mistakes and get involved in relationships with women and knock women up that potentially are just not good matches for them.
And then they end up in the toxic part of the red pill community complaining about how all women suck, or single moms suck, whatever it happens to be. It’s like, you’ve got to participate in your own rescue. There’s always been toxic women out there. Obviously, with the Internet, we hear more about it, but the more you date, the more you’re going to see these patterns, and you have to get good at recognizing them and spotting them.
Should I just hang back now? I think it should be on HER to reach out and do a bit of chasing. Am I just letting my ego dictate that? I don’t want to plan more. She’s an independent woman and should be bold enough to do that without being the man in the relationship.
Let me know what you think!
So, like I said, if you’re not seeing any enthusiasm and you normally are texting her after three or four dates, I say wait until the following week. Wait four or five or six days to reach out. Just stretch it out to see if she reaches out to you. And then when you do call or text, see how she is. Does she have a good attitude? Is she glad to hear from you, or is she pissed off? Well, if she’s pissed off, I’d be going, “Check, please. Thank you for revealing that you’re a lunatic. And hey, thanks for the free pussy.” And then you move on to the next, because she probably belongs to the streets.
You want a woman who is easygoing, easy to get along with, and when she hears from you, she’s excited. She’s really glad that you got in touch and she missed you. That’s what you want. You want a woman who misses you and is excited to hear from you, not a chick who’s already pissed off after three or four dates in. It’s like, I don’t think so. I’m not dealing with that shit, and you shouldn’t either.
So, if you would like to talk to me, you’ve got a question or a challenge in your personal or professional life, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“When a woman has really high romantic interest in you, she will call and text you with enthusiasm. When her interest is low, texts will be short and she’ll be slow to respond. It’s a good rule of thumb to match and mirror a woman’s level of enthusiasm and effort. Women love men who are a challenge and that they have to work for to earn their attention and validation, versus men who over pursue and go out of their way to communicate how much they really like them. Women don’t care about how much you like them. It has no effect on their attraction towards you. They only care about how much they like you, and most importantly, how they feel about you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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